the 411.pt.3.

*This article has been updated and “re-worked” (October 7, 2009)

Ex-gay: yay or nay?

If a person hears the words “ex-gay” or “freedom from homosexuality”, 9 times out of 10 they will most likely think of one word: Exodus.  Exodus International is the world’s largest ex-gay ministry.  There slogan is “freedom from Homosexuality”.  Their policies and teachings are biblical, and yet highly controversial.

There is a lot of debate today surrounding every known ex-gay ministry, but especially the infamous Exodus International.  I am not going to bash or expose the faults of Exodus (that is not the aim of this site or ministry).  Regardless of the other sides opposition against Exodus, the ministry has done some great things for those who are looking for a way out of their “gay life”.  This is not to say that they don’t have any faults.  At the end of the day, we are mere humans trying to help each other follow God as best as we can.  At the end of the day, Exodus is accountable to God for what they do or don’t do; just as we all are held accountable in the same manner.  At the end of the day, God is still greatly working through ministries like Exodus – despite faults and oppositions from either side.

In looking at the other side of this debate, there has been a growth of “ministries” that have been voicing their opinions about ex-gay ministries and how harmful they are to gay people.  Seemingly, they are known as ex-ex-gay “ministries”/organizations.  Three of the more popular ones are Beyond Ex-Gay, Truth Wins Out (TWO), and Soulforce.  I honestly have no beef with either organization, though we may both disagree with each others stance, we have the same goal in mind: reaching out to people in the gay community who have been damaged by the Church and religion.  I feel that a lot of their arguments are flawed and they misquote scripture (just as they claim ministries like mine do).  In saying that though, I also believe we have something to learn from ministries like theirs: one important lesson being how to truly love someone for who they are.

The Church (overall) seems to have lost its ability to love people with the same love and mercy Christ afforded them at the cross (Jude 20-23, James 2:13).  As our relationship with God should challenge us, the Church must love regardless – even if the other side doesn’t love back.  Lest we Christians forget, God’s people rejected Him to His face, and yet He still died for them – for us all – because of His deep love for His people.  He set the standard of love by which we all are challenged to live up to.

What follows is my experience with ex-gay ministries.

I started my journey with ex-gay ministries back in 1998, about a year and half after becoming a Christian and still finding myself struggling with sexual attraction to men. Through a friend I started going to Harvest USA, in Philly, which offered a program called “Living Waters”. It was a great program, and I quickly realized that I was not alone in my struggles. In fact there were tons of other Christian men who struggled with what I did; and believe me, that feeling of not being alone anymore was exhilarating and freeing. Through that year long bible study, I put my heart into it but I wouldn’t always put into practice what I was learning. In fact, to my shame, I ended up having a couple of flings with men during my time in Living Waters (only one man belonged to the group, the other men had no affiliation with the bible study). I had finished the group and thought even though I felt a bit closer to God and understood more about being a man, I still saw myself as a lost cause. Maybe I wasn’t meant to be straight. Maybe I really was born this way.

Over the next couple of years (1998-2000) I would sign back up for Living Waters and for more counseling. I was determined to become straight. I didn’t want to be gay anymore; and I certainly was tired of sleeping around. I had met a lot of great friends who were sincere men running after Jesus with a passion and were able to walk away from their same-sex struggles. I envied them greatly. During this time I also started private counseling with a great man from Care Counseling, Barney, who began taking the time to love on me through grace and truth. In addition to seeking counseling and going through Living Waters, I began to read every book that I could find on “coming out of homosexuality” and how to beat the sexual struggles that accompanied it. I was determined to be straight. I was determined to prove wrong the objectors against me, including myself.

But in the end, that determination was exactly the thing that kept me from attaining true wholeness. I was so focused on ending my gay thoughts and struggles that I forgot the true purpose of my journey. My journey out of my gay identity wasn’t about becoming straight, getting married, or to even stop having same-sex desires; rather the point of my journey was to find true wholeness in Jesus Christ – to find my true identity in Christ and not in my struggle. When I finally realized this truth and understood that my position in Christ meant more than my position in life, I started seeing victory in my same-sex struggles. My journey wasn’t about becoming ex-gay, rather it was about becoming Jesus’.

To me, this is what every ministry to GLBT people should be about. The reason for men and women to walk away from their gay identity, just like every other sin, isn’t for any other reason but to truly find themselves in the identity of Christ alone.

(To me, this is what I take “freedom from homosexuality” to mean.  Freedom to choose an identity in Christ over what my struggles (temptations, sexual nature) try to label me as: a man with same-sex attractions.  In Christ, I fully believe He gives us the freedom to make such a choice, through the power of His Holy Spirit – as 1 Corinthians 6:11 greatly alludes to.)

I highlighted the above paragraph because I believe in this message and thought very deeply. Honestly, this is what really helped me walk away from my gay identity. As soon as I got the focus off of myself and onto pursuing God’s heart, freedom started rushing in. So what does this say about ex-gay ministries?  (Actually, before I answer this question, lets not use the ‘ex-gay’ term anymore, instead lets use the word “wholeness”, because that’s the heart of six11 ministries: people seeking wholeness in Christ. And it should be the heart of all ministries.  Back to our discussion.)

So what does this say about wholeness ministries? Are they all good, do they all work, are they all bad? I could honestly say “yes” to all three questions, just like I can say “no” too.

Wholeness ministries are only going to work (give positive results) for people as much as they allow it to work. In other words, if a person is deeply committed to finding themselves in Christ and not in their struggle, then yes, the ministry and journey will prove to be positive. If they only focus on their struggle and finding themselves, then no, the ministry and journey will prove to be negative.

I don’t know much about “conversion therapy” and ministries like that, so I’m not going to comment on their effectiveness / lack of effectiveness because I honestly don’t know either way. But I will state that wholeness ministries are good to be involved with, and they will work if you are committed to the suggestions they offer (biblical and authentic suggestions anyways). Because frankly, one can not do this journey alone. We need support and each other to keep walking this walk of faith, just like Paul says, ” So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall” (1 Corinthians 10:12).  Though, as a caution, make sure what the ministries is presenting is biblical.  Check it out.  Don’t simply accept something because everyone else does; rather be a Berean (Acts 17:11), and search the scriptures yourself, asking God to reveal His truth for your life.  These principles are how my faith foundations were built: God’s revelation over mans.

I have heard/read many comments against ministries like Exodus, because they state openly that heterosexuality is not their goal, nor is marriage their guarantee. And truth be told, it’s not the goal of six11 ministries either. Again, wholeness ministries have as their goal (and should always have the main focus and goal be) wholeness. It is only in Jesus Christ that one can and will find their wholeness – straight, gay, bi, etc. It doesn’t matter how many times you go through an ex-gay ministry, if you are not pursuing wholeness (identity) with Christ, you are not truly walking out of anything but rather walking deeper into selfishness.

In speaking about marriage and singleness, let me interject this comment: as long as a person is passionately pursuing the will of God, then it doesn’t matter if they get married or remain celibate.  Both choices are acceptable (and biblical).  Any ministry (or person) that states otherwise, or forces marriage onto a person, has a hidden agenda that is not from the Father.  His agenda is simple: to become fully His.  This is an “agenda” I hope we all, at some point, can live with.

When we are focused on Christ, we take the attention off of ourselves and place it back onto Him. When our focus is on Christ we are admitting to ourselves, and to Him, that our life is about Him and not about us, as Psalm 115:1 states, “Not to us, O LORD, not to us but to YOUR Name be the glory, because of YOUR love and faithfulness“. As Christ says in John 16:33, “I have told you these things, so that in ME you may have peace (wholeness, security, certainty). In this world you will have trouble. But take heart (have hope, be assured, hold on to this truth)! I have overcome the world.” This was said by Christ even before He died and overcame the world and death. Which means simply these two truths: we have a God who is always in control and a God who is an overcoming Savior. In knowing this, finding our wholeness in Him is better than finding our wholeness in ourselves – especially since we are prone to fail and sub-comb to trials easily.

Which brings up another point people have against “ex-gay” ministries / wholeness ministries: there isn’t a 100% success rate for everyone who tries it.  I alluded to this before, but I want to explain further this point.  Any ministry who’s objective is to help people overcome issues cannot promise 100% victory to the people participating in the ministry.  Why?  Because the person’s effectiveness is based solely on their own efforts they put in (or don’t put in) to overcoming their issues.  Simply put: the effort you put in is the result you get out.  AA meetings only work if the person is committed to change his/her drinking habits, i.e. they need to stop drinking and want to stay sober.  “Ex-gay” ministries are no different.  No ministry like this, especially Exodus, can claim 100% victory for 100% of their clients.  So people need to stop holding them to that standard.

Many then make the argument that people like me aren’t really “ex-gay”, especially since people’s orientation isn’t truly converted to heterosexuality.  They have a point.  So then let’s get rid of the label “ex-gay” … hence what I said before and why I keep using the word in quotes.  I hate that label – all labels.  Have I left my gay identity, yes.  Do I still struggle with same-sex attractions, yes.  Am I still gay, no.

I firmly believe that people are not defined by their struggles or their past.  Just because I still struggle doesn’t mean that I am not walking in “freedom” from my temptations – afterall, I’m not acting upon them.  The way I see it, I am a new creation, bought by my Father, and adopted into His Kingdom Family.  I am not who I used to be – in all areas of my life.  The only thing my struggles tell me is this: I need God’s grace everyday to sustain me.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10 is my life verse for a reason, because it testifies to the power of God’s grace, my daily need for it, and the unconditional love and support I get from my Father God.

I don’t put my sole trust in “ex-gay” ministries.  I don’t even put my sole trust in my own efforts.  I put my sole trust in my God, His Son, and His Spirit to further me on my journey to wholeness in Christ.  This is truly the only wholeness ministry that can give 100% success to 100% of its “clients”.

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