This forum space is to help parents process what type of boundaries to set for their gay child – in regards to dating, friends, sleep overs, hang outs, etc.
Six:11 Ministries
proclaiming God's identity & wholeness
This forum space is to help parents process what type of boundaries to set for their gay child – in regards to dating, friends, sleep overs, hang outs, etc.
I feel like I can not let my child do something I know isn’t right for them. So, how do you help your child without them hating you?
Can you give a bit more on what’s going on, Confused, or are you simply talking in general here?
My daughter is living with her girlfriend. My struggle is how to deal with the girlfriend for social functions. My son and mother will not go to any outing that includes the girlfriend. Also, my son will not include the girlfriend for his daughters birthday party. My husband and I are having a cookout soon for all of our children, in which we included everyones significant others ( all are living with and not married to their significant other ). My son will not be coming with his girlfriend and daughter. We are going to see my daughter’s new place tomorrow. I’m confused what to do. I want her and her gay friends to see that we as Christians are not judgmental and sin is sin. And the only way for them to repent and change their ways is to show God’s love. My son and mother believe that by loving her but not including her partner, that she will change. Help!!!!
Hi Marcy,
I would be happy to email your son about his questions. Your situation is pretty common but also tricky. Some people think that by keeping gay partners away will “magically” fix everything and their gay loved one will come “to their senses.” Unfortunately, all this does is keep everyone separated, with tensions high, feelings hurt, and a Christian witness unseen.
While your son and mother have a right to their opinion, their understanding about the situation is flawed. Your daughter wants to be accepted by her family, and she wants her family to accept her girlfriend. As hard as it might be, your son and mother need to acknowledge this, and more importantly, the girlfriend. They do not have to change their beliefs, but they do need to change their thinking and attitudes. Loving your daughter and partner means loving them as Christ loves them. Shutting both of them out, as your son and mother seem to be doing, is not showing the love of Christ, much less a positive Christian witness.
One a side note, your son (and other children) really has no right to point a finger at your daughter’s sin. Them living with their significant others, in unmarried situations, is just as much a sin as your daughter being in a gay relationship. In reference to Matthew 7, we are first to repent of our own sin, before calling others to repent of theirs.
My daughter is gay and living with her girlfriend. She is 21. I have 3 younger children 15, 13 and 9. I havent told my 13 or 9 year olds. They know she is making some bbad choices. Im thinking that i should tell them. Im not sure how. Could you give me some suggestions? And i dont think that she should bring her girlfriend around. I talk to her when i see her and even sent a Christmas present home with my daughter for her girlfriend but i dont want her to come and hang out with us. My daughter wants me to be happy for her and im not. I love her and often reassure her of my unconditional love. It seems like if we all just hang out together that im affirming its ok….please help.
Tanya
I am so excited to have found your site. I have been struggling for the past few years since our 19 year old daughter told us she is gay. I have felt so alone. This is such a difficult cross to bear and one that leaves you feeling like you are caught in the middle between showing your child unconditional love while remaining true to God and his commands. My husband and I have no idea what we are doing as we try to navigate through these uncharted waters. We need support, prayer and guidance.
I really appreciate your transparency Shawn and all the resources on your site. Hearing your story gives me hope in the midst of confusion, uncertainty and feelings of helplessness. Right now what I need the most is to be in touch with other Christian parents who are going through this. It’s not something you feel you can bring up at church on a Sunday morning over coffee in the atrium. I struggle so much with similar feelings and worries as the other people who have posted on here. I tried to click on your email link but it will not open for me. Can you please email me? Thank you and God Bless your ministry.
J
In talking with J, she is open to anyone emailing her with support, prayers, etc. Thanks
I need to know how do I set boundaries regarding sleep overs, hang outs. My daughter has not came out yet. I would not allow a boyfriend to stay over. Please help
Hi Tammy – Has your daughter mentioned she was gay? Or how do you know she has same-sex attractions?
My 19 yo daughter came home from college in the wee hours of the morning to tell me she is gay. I felt I did the right things then but later I did all the wrong things. Accusing a girl I think she was in a relationship with to stay away, threatening to call her parents which I would never have done, but my daughter thought I would so she called which had a roller coaster effect. I have always thought I could accept anything but when it was thrown at me I couldn’t do it. My husband actually did better than I did in taking time to think first. I didn’t…I reacted overly much! Now I feel as she has withdrawn from me even though i said I am sorry and I tell her I love her all the time. But she is away at school and she has yet to talk to me in any method except text. What else can I do? I am ashamed of the way I acted. But I can’t undo it now. I am just so confused. I was a tomboy and she was too, or so I thought. I know love the sinner but not the sin…but it is hard to separate the two. I just don’t want to lose her. She is my only child and we were best friends too. I don’t understand why she couldn’t talk to me before about all this and then jerk the rug out from under my feet.
Sometimes, it takes time to heal wounds of the past. While you may be sincere, it might take time for your daughter to “get over” things. Beating yourself up isn’t healthy, either, Beatrice. Forgive yourself and allow God to move and restore your relationship. Reach out in other ways to your daughter besides calling. If she is with a partner, reach out to both of them. Your daughter might be looking for visible proof that you’re sorry – not just words. Praying for healing between her and you.
Hi Shawn, Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share the intimate details of your life. May God continue to richly bless you, your amazing wife, and children. I have co-workers, friends and family that are gay — all that are “out” are living the lifestyle. Most are professing Christians. I struggle with the application of Biblical passages like 1 Corinthians 5:9-12 where God, through the Apostle Paul, instructs Christians “not to associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral…” I don’t think it’s a sin to be gay; I do think however it is a sin to have same sex-sex. But if someone is actively engaged in same sex-sex (my understanding of the technical, biblical definition of a “homosexual”), it seems to me that I don’t have God-given permission to attend a same-sex wedding, or “even eat” with a Christian friend and his boyfriend or husband. To be clear, there’s currently a great deal of space between me and my gay friends and family who say they are Christians because I’m borderline Pharisaical (ie evangelical conservative). But I haven’t found a good resource that parses the complex issues related to engaging “God just wants me to be happy and he’s OK with everything I’m doing” gay Christians. Your thoughts?
Hi, our previously very straight daughter “came out” to us 4 yrs ago saying she may be gay because she had been secretly having a same sex relationship while away at college. . She ended that relationship shortly after that timr but told me she wanted to be sure about this, so she planned to go hang out with a few new gay friends to see what would happen. We took it in stride then, trying to be politically rather than biblically correct, but also because we didn’t want to make it a power struggle she would rebel against. So after this time our daughter met the young woman she’s been living with for 3 yrs. As time went on and she declared herself a gay young woman, the pain and anger we felt and displayed were at times overwheling and very intense. She has said “the honeymoon ended long ago” in reference to their relationship, she has yet to end it nor discuss very probable root cause of why she doesnt trust men or want their touch. i strongly feel she allowed a sexual relationship to developevwith a woman because dhe was betrayed by men (as a child of 11 she was molested repeatedly by her best friends older brother and then deeply hurt during her hs and then college years by the next two guys she gave her heart/love).
I’m writing tonight to share how we cope now. With boundries, much prayer and Christian counseling we have come to a boundary we can agree with Dana about but one that helps us all function better in this tension of our daughter’s same sex relationship.
1- treat her partner as we would her best friend, welcome in and around us in the role as her friend, saying we are respecting and valuing them both as best friends, but we will not turn against God’s word, even for her so we can not show respect for their intimate relationship (her girlfriend does not get to come to family get togethers that would sppesr to show we accept her friend in the role of our daughter’s boyfriend/girlfriend) this has worked for us to avoid not talking about the “pink elephant in the room. .