Loving Your Gay Child

It is no secret that more teens are “coming out” then in years past.  While there has been some material written about teens that are gay, there is still a great void in the conversation.  This silence causes youth ministers, teachers, coaches, and the like to fend for themselves in trying to better understand the mind and heart of a GLBT teenager.  As such, the ones most often left alone in the dark are parents.  This is especially true for parents when it concerns Christian circles.

I remember talking with my mom about this exact topic a couple of months ago.  I asked her what kept her silent about me being gay; why didn’t we talk about it?  She simply replied: I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help.

Sadly, my mom’s response resembles many other responses from parents.  When a child comes out (whether a teen or an adult) the entire family is shook-up: Where do we go from here?  How will everyone else respond?  What questions should I ask?  What did I do wrong? These are all questions parents ask themselves after hearing their child say, “I’m gay.”

Therefore, how do we, as the Church, help families through this particular situation?  While the territory is often uncharted (each family situation will be different), the venture is surprisingly not that difficult.  By this I mean, it does not take a trained counselor to walk beside a friend who is dealing with having a gay child.  What matters more to the parent, over any advice that one could give, is a supporting presence in their life.  This type of presence is highly needed for parents of a gay child, because it lets them know that “when all seems lost”, there is still one person who is willing to take the time to understand and listen.  Nowhere, is this presence needed more then within the Church.  Unfortunately, not only has the Church been silent on how to minister to gays and lesbians, but they have also failed to show a supportive presence in the life of a family that has a gay son or daughter.

Below, I want to offer some sound advice to parents, as well as to youth workers and senior pastors (or other support people) who are walking along side parents who find themselves on this new venture.  Everything written below is through a Christian perspective.  Along with my own insight, I will also be using two “outside” resources: Mike Haley’s book, 101 Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality, and Tim Geiger’s article, Providing Comfort and Hope to Hurting Parents (found in this book by Harvest USA).

For the Parents:

Mike Haley advises, “nothing is unhealthier [for you and your child] than denial and avoidance” of the issue at hand[i].  No matter how hard it may be to talk about it, you must talk about it.  Saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  Your child does not care so much if you understand 100% what they are experiencing as much as they desperately need you to re-affirm your love for them – the unconditional kind.  This may be hard at first, especially for Christian parents; but understand this: God calls us to love, regardless, and to live truth through His Grace.  Above all else, they are your children – this is a no-brainer.  In that, also know that affirming them does not mean that you have to affirm how they choose to live their life.

So what do you say?  I love you.  You’re still my child.  I’ll be right by your side.  How can I help you in this?  What do you need from me? These are all honest affirmations that you can respond with to your child.  Basically, you want to let them know two things: you love them and you’re here if they need you.  Again, each situation will most likely play out differently than someone else’s, so respond accordingly with wisdom, grace, and love – this is the only “cookie-cutter” answer out there.  Make no doubt about it your child is more scared than you are when this conversation comes to light.  They have most likely been preparing for the worst: that you would throw them out of the house, and/or stop loving them.

How you respond to their comment “I’m gay” holds a lot of weight to how future conversations will go.  Affirm them of your love and your presence.  Not much else needs to be said other than this during your first conversation.  It would be good, for both you and your child, to spend some time processing everything before diving into deep conversations concerning being gay.  Use your best judgment for how long you need, or how long your child needs, to process.  In this time of processing, start becoming informed about “homosexuality.”  Talk to your spouse about how you both are going to handle this – if you are single, talk to a trusted friend.  Have a “game plan,” and commit to educating yourself about homosexuality.  It’s good to ask questions, though you must be open and accepting of their answers (some of these may hurt, but remember, their answers are based on their perspective and mindset).

The more open communication you have, the better your conversations will be with your child about his/her “new identity.”  It is always good to be honest with one another, though sometimes being “too honest” can do more harm than good.  An example would be this: I wish you would just get over this phase and go out with _____, Why don’t you just snap out of it, Just choose not to be gay, and the like.

If your child could choose to be straight, they would.  If they could just date someone of the opposite sex, or just snap out of it, they would.  The truth is, right now, your child is confused about what they are feeling and they’re not sure how to respond to what’s happening – just like you are.  So, if you have this attitude about your child, then reserve these comments for your spouse, your friend, a pastor, or even a journal.  It is highly advisable not to express these “sentiments” towards your child.

Here are some other important tips from Mike Haley:

• Do not blame yourself
• Forced counseling does not work
• Take a deep breath, pray, trust God, and find support
• Examine your expectations – especially your hidden ones.[ii]

Additionally, Tim Geiger advises, that you take time to grieve.  Going through a grieving process is healthy, because in all honesty, no parent raises their kids hoping that they would one day come out and confess that they are gay.  In their openness, there is a loss of what you had hoped your child would eventually become: married with kids.  Each parent will go through their own stages of: guilt, shame, anger, loss, and acceptance.[iii] In going through these stages, as said before, it is important that you have someone (a person or a group) to walk along side of you.  If you have a church family, let them in on what is going on, as you feel safe and ready.

You cannot journey this sort of venture a lone.  As your kids need support, so do you.

In speaking about the Church, understand that if you are a person of faith it should be no surprise that your relationship with God will be tested – maybe even strained.  It is common to ask God questions: Where are You?  How could You allow this to happen?  What’s going on? Again, though, be accepting of His answers – even if He’s silent.  Rest assured that He hasn’t left you “high and dry”, and that He will provide answers of truth and grace.  Geiger notes three key things to additionally remember:

• God is sovereign over everything that happens
• God is working on the hearts of everyone in the situation
• God causes His children to persevere in their faith – even when they are faithless[iv]

Just because your child professes to be gay, does not mean that he/she has lost their relationship with God.  It doesn’t mean that they have suddenly become “un-Christian.”  God still loves them, and considers them His.  Yes, they may not be walking the way He desires them to walk, but His love is still for them – not against them – just as His love is for all of us who go astray (the Prodigal son).

Your job, as a parent, is to not convict, condemn, or change your child.  Conviction and change comes from the Spirit.  While there is no condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1), God does desire to transform us with His grace and truth.  For me, change happened only when I stopped trying to achieve my own expectations, and I began to desire God’s will for my life – no matter what that looked like.  Here are some key thoughts on the issue of change:

• It will happen in God’s timing
• It will happen as long as your child allows it
• It will not happen by force, or seeking after your own expectations

The more you give God the entire situation, the stronger you will become in walking through it.  As for your son or daughter, God’s kindness will lead them back to Him (Romans 2:4); and as for you, God’s grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  Rest in these truths.  Do not give up or lose hope; keep loving your child; keep trusting in your Savior.

For Youth Workers / Senior Pastors / Supportive Friends:

If you are walking along side of a parent who is dealing with a gay child, here are some important concepts to grasp (from Tim Geiger).[v]

• Remember, God is lovingly sovereign – He remains in control even when it seems like total chaos; He intends to Glorify His name through this situation; you will not and do not have all the answers; simply be prayerfully listening and loving the parent(s)

• Get to know their situation – become educated about homosexuality (even before a situation like this arises); ask questions: about the child, how this has affected everyone, their relationship with God, etc; create a safe place for them to be open and honest; allow them to cry (express themselves)

• Show sincere sympathy and empathy – assure them that no matter what, you will be there to walk along side of them; show them God’s love and concern for them through scripture (Hebrews 4:15-16 and 5:7-9 are good examples of Jesus facing chaos)

• Do not try to answer difficult questions – like how can they change their child, or what did they do wrong for their child to be gay … assure them that what is going on is not their fault.  As Tim says, “instead of trying to analyze what might have gone wrong, help parents to focus on what the Lord probably wants them to focus on,” like resting and trusting in His grace.[vi]

• Help parents to surrender their desire to change their child – “neither you nor the parents can convince the child that he or she is wrong.  Only the Lord can ultimately do that.  What will generally make the biggest difference in the life of a child is parents who model the faithful, yet uncompromising love of God … Praying for change in their child’s life is appropriate.  But it may not happen immediately – or ever.”  Change comes from the Father, nothing else.  In this issue of change, assure the parents that while God does transform those who seek Him, His ways are not ours and His idea of a “healthy identity” is not our own.  The main goal of everything is to seek after God’s identity and wholeness – it is not about getting married and having kids.  As said to the parents above, you, being their support, need to help them give up their own expectations and trust God in what He wants to do.

• Help the parents to focus on themselves – God could be bringing this couple through this situation in order to strengthen their faith, their prayer life, and even their love for God.  He is the only one who knows for sure why this family is going through what they are; so keep pointing them back to the truth that God is walking along side of them, and that through His grace they will get through this venture.  As scripture says, He uses everything in life (good and bad) for His goodness and purpose.

• Help them grieve – they have lost their ideal “dream” for their child.  They are shocked and most likely in disbelief.  They are not sure how to respond, who to tell and how much to tell, especially where Christian circles are concerned.  Parents need a safe place to vent, cry, and ask questions, so being their support you need to help create a place for such things to occur.  Do not be afraid to use scripture (Luke 15).  You do not want to force the issue, but you do want to squelch their honesty either.

• Ask about the future – Tim suggests the following, “when the storm clears, ask the parents how they could re-establish a sense of normalcy in their lives and in their relationship with their child.”[vii] Again, go beyond, “I want my child to change now” discussion.

• Pray with them – while it is good to pray for the child who is gay, the parents need to be praying for themselves too; praying that God’s love, grace, truth, and mercy would pour from their lives towards their gay child.  Encourage them to pray for God’s will above and beyond their own.

• Encourage them to bring others into their journey – be it a support group or even a weekly prayer group consisting of friends (a prayer group that includes intimate worship is ideal).

As Tim asserts, and I fully agree, this new journey will challenge the faith of the parents – as well as the child.  Giving them a strong, supportive Christian presence is vital.  Parents need to “hold on to the biblical position on same-sex relationships in the face of what may be strong, deeply emotional pleas from their child to affirm their lifestyle.  This is a painful and difficult place for a parent today.  It is not altogether wrong for parents to want to see their adult son or daughter prospering and being happy … yet, the one thing that will remain painful and grievous is their unwillingness to affirm a lifestyle direction that is contrary to God’s design in Scripture.”[viii]

They are not bad parents for not affirming their son or daughters “lifestyle choice.”  What is important, and where the local church needs to support parents the most, is that the parent loves their child – unconditionally – and that they hold to God’s truth – unashamedly.  Affirming a behavior that goes against the Word of God is not showing that person love – especially the love of God.  Affirming a person, while holding to biblical truth, does show the love of God to others, even to those who refuse to listen.  Standing for the truth is hard, but Jesus has called all of us to do just that (through the guidance of the Holy Spirit).  Parents do not need to hear bible verses as much as they need to see them being lived out.  Make a commitment to stand beside parents of gay children, no matter what, and additionally, make a commitment to love on their gay child, no matter what.

© 2009 Shawn Harrison, six11 ministries

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NOTES:

 

[i] Haley, M. (2004). 101 Frequently asked questions about homosexuality (pg. 42). Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers.

[ii] Haley, pg. 49

[iii] Geiger, T. (2006). Providing Comfort and Hope to Hurting Parents (pg. 74-75).  This article appears in the book, “The Homosexual Debate and the Church: a Collection of Essays,” by Harvest USA.

[iv] Geiger, pg. 76-77

[v] Geiger, pg. 78-86

[vi] Geiger, pg. 80

[vii] Geiger, pg. 84

[viii] Geiger, pg. 85