Ministering to Gay Teens

It is no question that high schools and middle schools across this nation are ground zero for students who face peer pressure, bullying, low self-esteem, depression, and the like.  One of the most disturbing of these is bullying.  Daily, many students who are different face demoralizing statements about how they act, dress, talk, interact, and how they try to express themselves.  Major targets for bullying in schools are students who identify themselves as gay, lesbian, or transgendered.  The bullying starts with name calling, crude jokes, rumors, cyber-bullying, etc, and occasionally ends with students getting beat up, receiving death threats, missing school, changing schools, and in some cases, even attempting suicide.

This article will look at how youth workers can, and must, help students who are facing such bullying in school – knowing that these same things could be happening within local youth ministries as well.  This article is not calling to accept behavior that clashes with Biblical beliefs, rather it’s calling for Christians (especially those who are youth workers) to take a stand against bullying, and start teaching the truth about sharing God’s unconditional love with those who think they are undeserving of such love.

Read what two students write about their current school experience (from GLSEN):

Male Student – 11th grade
“I have learned that harassment in schools is a norm.  Kids would scream the term ‘faggot’ as they saw me in the halls. None of the teachers said a word, and that is what scared me.  I don’t feel safe at my school because I’m gay.”

Female Student – 12th grade
“I stayed home because everyone hated me so much that it made me hate myself, and I thought there was something completely wrong with me.  I missed almost three weeks in a row to avoid seeing the other students.”

As a gay teen in high school, I can clearly identify with both students.  The majority of my teachers did not respond to the comments made by my peers in the halls and classrooms.  Regardless of why they did not respond, the result is the same: there are too many teens unjustly being bullied in schools.  Whether students are gay, have braces, wear glasses, or do not act manly/feminine enough, bullying (harassment) of any kind is wrong and damaging.  As stated before, the extreme consequence of receiving such mistreatment from peers can lead some students to become suicidal.  Some may have constant thoughts but never go through with the actions (like myself, who identified as gay), and some may actually plan their death and eventually follow through with it.

It’s important to understand whether the teen is a Christian or not does not determine our response to them: we are to love regardless.  In saying that, I fully believe we are to love in truth, just as Jesus taught (John 4 and 8 are perfect examples of this idea of loving in truth).  This is not to say that we are to compromise truth for the sake of someone feeling accepted, rather this is to say that we speak the message of truth through authentic actions of love – again, just as Jesus exemplified.  This type of authentic love goes beyond the cliché: “hate the sin, love the sinner.”  Everyone knows that scripture calls homosexuality a sin, as every Christian is quick to tell gays and lesbians, although not everyone knows the love and grace of Christ, because the Church is often too slow at showing it to the gay community.  Authentic love looks past the person’s faults, and looks into their hearts.  Yes, Jesus called out sin, but He first went to the root of the matter: the person’s need for God’s love.  Jesus then dealt with the wrong ways they were striving to attain authentic love through other means.

Besides, whenever Christians use the cliché: “hate the sin, love the sinner,” the only thing the gay community hears is HATE.  That is not the message of the gospel – LOVE is.

The Youth Worker

The most important issue is this: does the student have a relationship with Christ?  This is the foundation of every struggle and issue.  If the person does not have a personal relationship with God, why should they change their behaviors and follow the standards of God vs. the standards of the world?  The next important issue, once the student has accepted Christ, is this: how are they nurturing their relationship with Christ?  The youth worker needs to be asking questions, like: Do they have people walking along side of them (discipleship of some form); how is their relationship with their parents and peers; what are some things that God is bringing forth that needs restoration; are there questions or doubts that the student is struggling with?

In evaluating these questions, here are some essentials that all youth workers must embrace before ministering to gay students (even those who haven’t come out but are still struggling with the issues):

• Be ready to deal with your own stereotypes and prejudices.  If you are tense about discussing this issue, if you are uncomfortable around gay people in general, you must deal with these things before any gay student will trust you and open up to you.  They want (and need) to feel safe.  Youth workers need to continuously be informed about the issues surrounding homosexuality!

• Be willing to pray for wisdom, understanding, and for God’s pure love to flow through you.  When dealing with students who struggle with their sexual identity, many feel unsure about themselves and about being around their same-sex peers.  Many have several layers of “stuff” built around wounded hearts.  The more you pray for God’s Spirit to pour from you into students, the better prepared you’ll be in this journey.

• Be aware: this is a journey, not a walk-in-the-park.  Do not bail out on a student once you have begun this journey with them – unless you already have someone to take your place (one that the student already knows and trusts).  Please determine to stay the course.  Too many times, too many people have started to walk with gay teens and have left them standing alone when the going gets tough.  Given that most gay teens have had people walk away from them because of who they are, the last thing they need is their youth worker walking out on them too.

• Be advised: same-sex attraction is mainly about broken relationships between the same sex.  I make this statement based on my experiences and the experiences of those whom I have talked with; this does not imply that all gay students have unhealthy relationships/broken relationships with members of their own sex.  One should never assume this.  For those students who do have broken relationships within their life, they need to find and connect with healthy same-sex relationships.  This needs to be done with great discernment and prayer.  Those connected to gay teens should be people who are spiritually mature in their faith. It would be beneficial to use men and women who have gone through some (or all) the struggles the teen is facing.  However, make sure that those adults can handle walking along side a gay teen.

• Be ready to offer counseling as a means to help your students open up about the pending issues.  Refer students to outside support groups and counseling when needed – and it will be needed.  Also, besides finding the students resources, be sure to find parents resources too.  Family support groups are a big plus in helping parents stay connected with their struggling teen.

• Be ready to set strict guidelines in your ministry: no gay jokes, no gay puns, no gay anything … it is not cool and it does major damage to those within the group.  Remember the quotes at the beginning of this article.  Gay students are looking for a safe place to plug into.  In saying this, change your vocab – the students follow by example; teach about all sin, not just the-gay-verses; God hates all sin, and no sin is higher than another.

• Be ready to pray.  And when you have finished praying, pray again.  As said before, the more you invite the Spirit in to your situation to lead and direct you, the greater the results.

The Student

Youth workers need to understand and communicate to students what the overall result is.  Let me first say, the overall result is not to become a manly/womanly heterosexual, getting married, or having kids.  The overall result is simply this: to seek after God’s identity.  At the fall (Gen 3), mankind lost his focus on whose identity he was to be living for – his own vs. God’s.  I firmly believe that one of the main roots to every problem and addiction is the fact that we humans are consumed with finding ourselves that we never seek after our Creator’s image.  Repeatedly Christ has called us to seek after the Father’s heart and to take on HIS identity, so that we can ultimately walk the path laid before us.

True healing and freedom came for me when I gave up my failed pursuits of becoming “straight” – by my definition – and pursued God’s identity and His wholeness.  In that I found the things I longed for.

I am aware that each person and situation is different. Some youth struggling with homosexuality are at a place of desperation and are ready for a ‘leap of faith’; and some are not. While these are steps of action, as youth workers, we need to understand that this journey of healing is a process. We must not give our students false hope, and we ourselves should not rely on false hope. Rather we must believe that God is faithful, His Word is inerrant, and His power is limitless. As we walk in the truth of Jesus’ sanctification, our students who are struggling will follow beside us.

In saying that, here are some essentials that youth workers must communicate to gay teenagers – both within their ministry and outside of it.

• You are valued. Students need to understand that despite being rejected by other people, there is a God who unconditionally loves them for who they are – no matter what.

• There is hope. Many students struggling with sexual identity issues honestly believe that they are beyond hope and beyond a life worth living.  Instilling the truth within them that God offers them hope is vital.  Speak of, and help them hold on to, various promises of the Bible.

• Your life has purpose. With the amount of scars, wounds, abuse, and other negative things piling up against them, many students convince themselves that there is not hope for a better life.  Again, speak God’s truth over them, and help them to embrace the essence of God’s eternal love.

• You have a name. Nothing creates more damage to one’s soul than a peer constantly referring to you as an adjective (faggot) rather than as a person.  Just because a student is gay or lesbian does not mean that they have to be constantly reminded of it.

• For those who want to change: Who you were does not define who you will always be. Once Jesus has freed students from their “gay identity”, He has freed them from all labels, past behaviors, and guilt. They just need to accept it, which is often where a lot of the journey becomes a battleground. God does not see them as homosexuals, rather He sees them as His children, who were once lost but now found.  This principle is one that is hard for the Church to embrace.  Many who walk away from unwanted same-sex attractions are fearful that their past will constantly define their future.  That is not the case – as Paul says, “In Christ we are a new creation,” and further he says, “That is what you used to be, but now you are washed, sanctified and justified in Christ through His Spirit.”

• For those who want to change: You are embarking on a journey. This journey is going to be tough. Yes, God has freed them from a gay identity, but now the person must continue to walk in that freedom regardless if the road leads into valleys or mountaintops.

• The overall result is not to be straight, but to become more like Christ.  This is fundamental for all students, youth workers, parents, and mentors to fully understand.  If the focus is on just becoming straight, “self” is the center of that focus.  If the focus is on becoming like Christ, then “Christ” is the center.

The days of wondering if a gay teen might show up to your youth ministries are now over – gay teens are coming to youth ministries.  Therefore, youth workers need to become aware of what to do and how to do it.  I believe following these practical insights are a great start at building a safe and inviting atmosphere for gay teens – actually, all teens.  Here are four great resources that every youth worker (and parent) should read and have on hand:

• 101 Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality – Mike Haley
• The Gay Gospel – Joe Dallas
• Loving Homosexuals as Jesus Would – Chad Thompson

May the Spirit of our living God transform your heart, your ministries, and the hearts of those who minister to.  May His identity be the wholeness you, and your students, long for above all else.

© 2009 Shawn Harrison // Director of six11 ministries  // six11.wordpress.com