I’ve been silent for a while.
I haven’t written anything new. I’ve been delaying on comments and emails. I’ve started things and erased them. It’s not that I don’t have anything to say, I’m just spent. I’ve hit a roadblock of depression and having a hard time getting over it – so to say.
For the past month or so, I’ve been dealing with some health issues that have left me perplexed, fearful, cracky, hurting, sleepless, needy, depressed, hormonal … you get the idea. I’m not sure what the pain is and where exactly it’s coming from; but I feel it every minute of every day, no matter if I sit, stand, or lie down. The pain is both numbing and stabbing, located in an area I feel weird naming outright (think about it).
After seeing some doctors, they have discovered that I have a bad back (bulging and deteriorating discs) and lower back stenosis. However, the doctors don’t think that my overall pain stems from my back issues. But they also don’t know what is causing my pain.
So I sit and wonder the possibilities of what it could be – good and bad. Enter in my mixed bag of emotions and depression.
I haven’t been able to fully concentrate on work, this blog, or much of anything really. I’m in a daze most of the time – more than normal 🙂
Yet, beyond my little selfish-world, I know lots of other people – some really close to my wife and I – that are hurting just as much as me, if not more. Therefore, I just need to suck it up and get on with life, because I really don’t have it that bad. I still have much to be thankful for (minus the pain) and God is providing (just not in all the ways I want).
While those last two sentences may be blunt or seen as “harsh,” they are honest. And they do speak of a reality I need to awake to, if for no other reason than God is beckoning me to continuing walking.
Faith + Journey
I’ve been reading through the Gospels lately. While I was reading through Luke the other day, something new jumped out at me. Kinda like an “Aha!” moment.
Almost every person sick, dying, or in need of help within the Gospels had to journey towards Christ in order to be healed. Either the person themselves came or someone on their behalf approached Jesus. Each passage about healing also includes words about a person’s faith and how the two intertwine. Could it be, I thought, that it’s our journey towards Christ and our faith in Him, that He is our sole answer to our problem, that brings about the healing and restoration we need?
Like I said, it’s nothing deeply profound, but rather a moment where something clicked. Answered prayer – healing in particularly – requires one to journey towards Jesus, in sincere faith, knowing and trusting that He is the sole answer to my situation.
And while to some of you this may be a “Duh” moment, how many of us actually live this out? How many of us have given up half-way through the journey, concluding that God isn’t going to handle the situation and therefore we need to take matters in our own hands? How many of us give up even before we start the journey … we reckon that Jesus isn’t the answer we need for whatever is ailing us?
I’m not trying to get super-spiritual here. I’m in pain – daily. I want answers. I want relief. I want God to restore me, like that *snapping fingers*. But I have no answers, no relief, and no restoration. I just have pain. However, I do have a choice to make that holds a lot of weight behind it: will I give up, walk away, and sit in my self-pity until God gives me what I want, or will I journey towards Him, no matter the distance, and find what I truly need at His feet? It’s an honest question I need to ask myself …. maybe you do, too.
I don’t know a lot of things, but know enough, this being one of them, that God never goes back on His promises. If He says He will be with you no matter what, He will. Even if you don’t feel Him near or hear Him breathing; God is present with you. If God says that He loves you and takes delight in you, then He does. What good parent ever abandons their kids … what good Father gives up on His children? (Even for those who have been given up on, God’s love is still for you and not against you!)
People came from miles (MILES!) around to seek after Jesus, all because they heard that He healed the sick, raised the dead, made the lame walk, and the blind see. Most of them didn’t come based on eye-witness accounts, but rather on word of mouth. They took a risk and sought out the Christ who’s mercy and grace restored their bodies, hearts, and lives. And I’m willing to bet, He wants people today to pursue Him just the same.
So … I’m getting up off my duff, raising my eyes up, and journeying towards the Christ who can (and will) restore me – no matter the distance. I pray that in this process He teaches me, grows my faith, and uses everything for His glory.
Here are two great passages and song that have challenged and encouraged me in the last few weeks. I pray they do the same for you.
17 Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
18 yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
19 God, the Lord, is my strength;
he makes my feet like the deer’s;
he makes me tread on my high places.
19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
and he delivered them from their distress.
20 He sent out his word and healed them,
and delivered them from their destruction.
21 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
for his wondrous works to the children of man!
22 And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!