Dealing with other family members

This forum space is for parents who need help talking about their child being gay to other family members – siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, ect. The conversation needs to happen, when and how are the questions to answer.

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11 responses to “Dealing with other family members

  1. Our 18 year old son just told us he is gay. We have suspected for years. We assured him that we support and love him unconditionaly. He has an older brother that is very ruthess and has made disparaging comments in the past and has even said he is homo phobic. He has teased his younger brother, not knowing that he is in fact gay. How do we as parents handle ?

    • Thanks for commenting.

      It is great that you’ve expressed love to your son, Darlene. Now, your oldest son needs to show the same respect for his brother. I’m assuming that your older son does not know your other son is gay. Regardless if he is homophobic or not, they are brothers and therefore he needs to treat his brother as such.

      Obviously, you cannot force your older son to acknowledge this; however, you can set in place boundaries that keep this mindset at the forefront. Setting a standard of no gay jokes, no gay slander, no teasing, no forced arguments, etc for your older son sets in place two important things: your older son knows that this treatment of his brother will not be tolerated, and your younger son knows you will put into action your unconditional love. While you may not be able to control what happens outside of your home / presence, you can control what happens within your home / presence. You’re not choosing sides, but your not allowing one son to beat up the other either.

      Additionally, I would talk to your older son about his reasons for being homophobic, specially if this behavior continues after finding out his brother is gay.

  2. Our 24 year old son told me he was Gay not to long ago. He says he is a christian and that he is very happy with his life. Even though I do not agree with him and that this life style is wrong in Gods eyes I love him and want to be there for him. His brother and wife want us together to talk to this son and tell him he is living in sin and show him all the scripture that says it is wrong. Tell him he cannot come around as long as he is living this life style. I do not agree with this. I do not want to cut him out of our family he is my son and I love him and want to be here for him. How do I deal with family that want to cut him out I feel he needs more love then telling him what a sinner he is? What would the best book be to read to tell and help us to deal with him being Gay and how a family should deal with it.

    • Hi Sara. I am sure your gay son knows what the Bible says about homosexuality. I’m not sure if he needs to be reminded of it over and again. What he needs, especially right now, is to know that his family will continue to love and support him – no matter what. Your other son doesn’t have to agree to this, as this isn’t really his call. Your husband and you set the atmosphere. It is through seeing Jesus – in, through, and before us – that any type of transformation begins. As for books … I suggest my own (found on the right side of this page or down below) and Joe Dallas’ book, When Homosexuality Hits Home (http://www.amazon.com/When-Homosexuality-Hits-Home-Theyre/dp/0736912010).

  3. Our family needs help. Our daughter was married for 10 years to a man and she ended the marriage after having an affair for 4 months with a girl. This happened 2 years ago. She is divorced and still with this women. My husband and I are Catholic and raised our children this way, however all 3 of our children do not beleive in God anymore. (we also have 2 boys) My husband does not believe he should change the way he feels about how wrong this relationship is. She has visited us a couple times, but it is as if there is an elephant in the room . It is stressful for all. Our boys (one married ) are upset with my husband, as they think he should love her unconditionally. They now are at the point that they want nothing to do with us. Why is it now our fault for the family dynamics, when she is gay! We went to a counselor once, but we felt worse after coming out of that session. We have a grandson (our son’s) and our son does not want him to grow up with this tension. We SO love our grandson (he is 3 1/2) but our son said there should be some consequences to my husband’s beleif. I talk to my daughter regularly and I don’t agree with her lifestyle either, but I love her. My Husband Loves her too, but cannot get through the greif! Help!

  4. I thank God my friend found this website for me. Do you know of any resources like this or forums that are for siblings of a gay brother/sister. My son just shared with us that he would like to embrace the homosexual “lifestyle” (a word he hates) I have found this website and forum to be helpful and am wondering if their is a valuable resource out there like this for siblings.

  5. I am glad to have found this website. Like many others I have found that my adult daughter is in a gay relationship. I find while typing here I can’t even bring myself to say “my daughter is gay”. She was raised Christian and still professes a love for God as does her partner. She had a lovely wedding to a wonderful guy and after less than 2 years has left him for a woman. This has torn me apart. This has torn my family. Her younger brother and her husband (yes she is still legally married) are great friends and it is so very hard for all.
    I believe with all my heart that God loves her and all of His children. He is so worthy for our love and yet we are so unworthy for His. As strong as I believe He loves her I also believe that if she dies or Jesus returns for his Bride while she is in a homosexual relationship…she will go to hell.

    She has sent me so many websites and explanations of what she believes. I have been reading my Bible so much more (that is a good thing) and scouring the internet feverishly. I have been searching for something…anything that will tell me that the Bible scholars have been wrong for all these years. That the interpretation are wrong and that the translations of the original Bible has been a mistake. I find nothing except watered down scripture and twisted interpretations. I find people that are desperate to believe that God made them this way (and yes I do believe God made them that way, but he also made my brother into a womanizer that can’t stay true to his wife and he made my father an angry, abusive man and he made my sister to be very prone to addiction and he made Paul with a thorn…you get my point). By being “made this way” they are searching for “permission” to act on these feelings.

    This is all I find and I believe that all of these people that believe they can be in a homosexual relationship and be saved are deceived and lost and they are going to be told by Jesus, “I never knew you”. “Because you have not followed my moral will you are not protected by my blood” (my words). I know this is very harsh but God is very harsh. He loves us with unfailing love and is it His desire that we love Him enough to follow Him no matter how hard that is. I know we are now under grace but grace is a covering for mistakes and not a shield for repeated volitional sin.

    I am sorry this is so long. After being on this website I have been able to express unconditional love for my daughter and her partner. I have been able to realize my anger is worthless and not helpful. I want her in my life and other than one boundary (our 6 year old son can’t know about this, he will eventually and it will be hard on him because I will teach him what I believe). My question is about how the Bible teaches us to treat these folks. I will treat her like my daughter that I love more than I can express. But her older brother (not the one close to her husband) is a very legalistic Christian. He said he will do in-depth research in the Bible before he decides anything. He told me he is afraid he will lose his sister. He believes that scripture tells us things like (I don’t have time to look up the exact one) go to someone that is doing wrong tell them and if they don’t stop take another with you and so on and eventually if they do not stop then be done with them (very paraphrased). So what scripture can I give him that tells him he does not have to “wipe the dust from your feet and never return”? Where can I find scripture that says that someone that professes to be a Christian (as opposed to one that does not know God, as we know there is a difference) and is actively living in sin and not trying to get out, we can still love them and specifically commune with them?

    I hope this rambling makes sense. I feel in so many ways I have lost my daughter (but have not given up hope and pray for her continually) I don’t want the rest of my family fragmented.

    Thank you again for having this website and for listening to a call that God must have given you. I will pray for you as well.

  6. My son is 24 years old and grew up in the church. His father is a minister in a local Baptist church. He has been struggling with same sex attraction for many years. I believe he has struggled with it since middle school, but my husband and I never really knew it. He has spent many hours in conversation with his dad regarding the subject. A year ago my husband told me about their conversations, and being the mother I immediately tried to figure out how I could “fix” him. I was able to get counseling for him from a gentleman I found thru Exodus International. This gentleman had walked the same path and was such an encouragement and help for my son. Once he finished, we thought he was “fixed”. He has since moved back close to home, and the struggle has begun again. This time he has found people that grew up with him in the same church to feed the rationalization that God is ok with this lifestyle. My husband and I are heart broken. We love our son, and will continue to have a close relationship with him. He has several Godly men that are speaking into his life, but at this point he is blinded to Satan’s lies.
    We also have a daughter that is away in college, and has no idea what is going on. She knows something is not right, but doesn’t ask any questions. He has not officially come out at this point. In other words it is not out there on facebook for all to see. We have made it clear to him that he is to give us heads up before he does that so we can have the conversation with his sister. She is very close to her brother, and she will be just as devastated as we were. Any suggestions on what is the best approach to handling this?

  7. Our son came out to us In July of this year. Needless to say it’s been quite a journey but I thank the Lord for all the people he has brought into my life that have helped so much.
    As of right now, our son doesn’t want family to know which I am thankful because I still don’t know what I would say to them. That is my question, I do believe that it is our sons responsibility to tell people however, I have been praying about telling my parents and I feel that we need to tell them. They are Christians, but they are conservative and very anti-gay, makes comments how can they be like that, it is so unnatural ect, which is how we were too until we have realized the “root” causes of this.
    I have been praying about this alot and I still just don’t know what or how much to say to them, I believe they will keep pressing but I also do not think and maybe I’m wrong that I should go into what we did wrong as parents ect. but knowing my parents, mom mostly she is going to push alot of stuff on us as parents. So does anyone have advise to what and how much to say to them?

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