Loving Your Gay Child


I remember talking with my mom about this exact topic a few years ago.  I asked her what kept her silent about me being gay; why didn’t we talk about it?  She simply replied: I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t know how to help.  Sadly, my mom’s response resembles many other responses from parents.  When a child comes out the entire family is shook-up: Where do we go from here?  How will everyone else respond?  What questions should I ask?  What did I do wrong?

As youth workers, then, how do we help families through this particular situation?  While the territory is often uncharted (each family situation will be different), the venture is surprisingly not that difficult.  By this I mean, it does not take a trained counselor to walk beside a friend who is dealing with having a gay child.  What matters more to the parent, over any advice that one could give, is a supporting presence in their life.  This type of presence is highly needed for parents of a gay child, because it lets them know that when all seems lost, there is still one person who is willing to take the time to understand and listen.  Nowhere is this presence needed more than within the Church.  Unfortunately, not only has the Church been silent on how to minister to gays and lesbians, but they have also failed to show a supportive presence in the life of a family that has a gay son or daughter.

Below, I want to offer some sound advice to parents, youth workers, and others who are walking along side parents who find themselves on this new venture.  Along with my own insights, I strongly encourage parents and youth workers to check out these other helpful resources.

Having the Conversation with Your Child

Once I came out to my parents, nothing more was asked or discussed about my sexuality.  I know they had questions, and so did I, but no one really knew how to face the pink elephant that was in the room.  In fact, I remember one night I had a fight with a guy I was seeing.  I stormed into the house and ran upstairs, and my mom began calling after me, “What’s wrong?”  I came down with some stuff to give back to my now ex-boyfriend, looked at her and asked, “Do you really want to know?”  We both sort of looked at each other in silence.  I walked away saying, “I didn’t think so.”

Now was this her fault.  No, I don’t blame her – now.  I did, for a long time.  In fact I blamed all of my parents for never talking about my relationships or sexuality.  However, looking back, they were really just confused as I was about the whole thing.  They didn’t know what to say, how to say it, or when to say things.  Almost all parents are just like my parents, they don’t know how to react when their child says, “I’m gay.”  Christian parents really have a hard time with this discussion.  How does one love their child unconditionally and still follow their God faithfully?  Can both even be done?  To simply put it, yes, in fact, this is exactly what must be done in every parent/child relationship, no matter the outcome or the journey taken.

Author Mike Haley advises parents that “nothing is unhealthier [for you and your child] than denial and avoidance” of the issue at hand[1].  No matter how hard it may be to talk about it, you must talk about it.  Saying something is better than not saying anything at all.  Your child does not care so much if you understand 100% what they are experiencing as much as they desperately need you to re-affirm your love for them – the unconditional kind.  This may be hard at first, especially for Christian parents, but understand this: God calls us to love, regardless, and to live truth through His grace.  Above all else, they are your children – this is a no-brainer.  In that, also know that affirming them does not mean that you have to affirm how they choose to live their life.

In the moments following your child coming out to you, they need to hear honest but positive affirmations.  In your conversations with them, it’s important to let your child know two things: you love them and you’re here if they need you.  Each situation will most likely play out differently than someone else’s, so respond accordingly with wisdom, grace, and love – this is the only “cookie-cutter” answer out there.  Have no doubt your child is more scared than you are when this conversation starts.  They have most likely been preparing for the worst: that you would throw them out of the house, and/or stop loving them.

Also know, that most gay teens have already come to terms with their sexuality, for the most part, by the time they tell their parents.  For them, they are fine with being gay (having same-sex attractions).  Therefore, when your child comes to you, they are coming having already dealt with most questions personally, and they are expecting you to be at the same place they are.  This is an unrealistic expectation on their part, as no parent is fully prepared to hear their son or daughter tell them they are gay.

So what do you say, then, to them?  Here are some suggestions: I love you.  You’re still my child.  I’ll be right by your side.  How can I help you in this?  What do you need from me?  Responding to their comment holds a lot of weight to how future conversations go.  Affirm them of your love and your presence.  If you don’t understand what to say or do, tell them that you need time to process things.  Assure them that you are not angry with them, or disappointed.  Be honest, but be positive.  They are extremely vulnerable right now.  Lecturing them, questioning them, and quoting scripture at them is not what either one of you need at this moment.  In fact, it would be good, for both you and your child, to spend some time processing everything before diving into deeper conversations concerning them being gay.  Use your best judgment for how long you need, or how long your child needs, to process.  In this time, start becoming informed about “homosexuality.”  Talk to your spouse about how you both are going to handle this, or if you are single, talk to a trusted friend.  At this point, it would be very beneficial to start connecting with trusted people to share thoughts and questions with about what’s going on.

When you and your child begin discussing things on a deeper level, asking questions is good, however you must be open and accepting of their answers.  Some answers may hurt, but remember, their answers are based on their perspective and mindset.  The more open communication you have, the better your conversations will be with your child about his/her “new identity.”  While it is important to be honest with one another, sometimes being too honest can do more harm than good.  Examples: I wish you would just get over this phase and go out with (opposite sex name); why don’t you just snap out of it; just choose not to be gay, etc.

If your child could choose to be straight, they would.  If they could just date someone of the opposite sex, or just snap out of it, they would.  Chances are your child has already tried these things, and nothing worked.  Forcing them to do things will not produce positive results.  This is going to be a journey – maybe even a long one.  They need your guidance, understanding, and compassion, more than you telling them how wrong and evil they are.  So, if you have this type of attitude about your child, then reserve these comments for your spouse, your friend, a pastor, or even a journal.  It is highly advisable not to express these sentiments towards your child.

Tending Your Heart

As you are processing things, I urge you to be cautious of a few things.  First, do not blame yourself.  Almost all parents think it is their fault that their child is gay.  While we all could be better parents in areas, your child’s sexuality is not your fault.  As I stated in the beginning of this book, homosexuality is deep and complex.  Putting blame on yourself puts unwarranted guilt and shame upon you, which causes this journey to be that much more cumbersome to walk.  Stop blaming yourself.

Second, don’t give up on God.  He has not forsaken you, nor has He forsaken your child – His child.  In Romans 8:38-39, Paul tells us that for those who are in Christ, nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Your child’s sexuality change did not catch God off guard, nor does it stop Him from pouring His love into them.  Likewise, God isn’t about to stop loving you either because you love your gay son or daughter.  If we are in Christ, we are secure in Christ.  For everything, God offers forgiveness; His grace is limitless.  Three stories of Christ that I love, and use in ministry to parents and gay teens, are the Woman at the Well (John 4), the Woman Caught in Adultery (John 8), and the Prodigal Son (Luke 18).  These stories exemplify greatly what I’m sharing here.

Third, make sure you grieve healthy.  It’s ok to get mad and it’s ok to cry.  Going through a grieving process is healthy, because in all honesty, no parent raises their kids hoping that they would one day come out and confess that they are gay.  In your grieving, there is a loss of what you had hoped your child would eventually become: married with kids.  Every parent will go through their own stages of guilt, shame, anger, loss, and acceptance, and on their terms.  Don’t force your spouse, however make sure they are getting out their emotions in some healthy venue.  In going through these stages, it is important that you have someone (a person or a group) to walk along side of you.  If you have a church family, let them in on what is going on, as you feel safe and ready.  You cannot journey this sort of venture a lone.  As your kids need support, so do you.  I cannot stress enough the importance of finding people to talk with, either face to face or through technology (email, social media, phone, etc).  The more you bottle things up, the harder things are going to be for everyone.

Fourth, be sure to examine your expectations.  A huge caution: forced counseling will not work.  While homosexuality is not the root issue of what’s going on, and while some counseling would be good for family/relationship reasons, forcing your child to see a counselor in order to make them straight is pointless and harmful.  Studies have proven this.  What does work is healthy same-sex relationships, mentoring, prayer, and personal spiritual growth.  As I’ve said earlier in this book, the entire point of “change” is to become like Christ – nothing more and nothing less.  As we grow closer to the heart of God the Father, He begins transforming us into who He desires us to be.

Your job, as a parent, is to not convict, condemn, or change your child.  Conviction and change comes from the Spirit.  While there is no condemnation for those in Christ (Romans 8:1), God does desire to transform us with His grace and truth.  For me, change happened only when I stopped trying to achieve my own expectations, and I began to desire God’s will for my life – no matter what that looked like.  All in Christ undergo transformation.  However, it will happen in God’s timing, it will happen as long as your child allows it, and it will not happen by force, or seeking after your own expectations.

The more you give God the entire situation, the stronger you will become in walking through it.  As for your son or daughter, God’s kindness will lead them back to Him (Romans 2:4); and as for you, God’s grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in your weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).  Rest in these truths.  Do not give up or lose hope, keep loving your child and keep trusting in your Savior.

For more advice for those who are walking along side of parents of gay children, please see this article.

Answers to popular questions (Parent FAQ)

Our Parent Forum


[1] Haley, M. (2004). 101 Frequently asked questions about homosexuality (pg. 42). Eugene, OR: Harvest House Publishers.

© 2009-2012 Shawn Harrison, Six:11 Ministries

431 responses to “Loving Your Gay Child

  1. I loved what you said about loving our children unconditionally. When our 17 year old son came out to us and I called out to God and said “What should we do?”, God’s answer was unmistakable and clear. “Love him, love him and love him. Love him the way I love him. Love him the way I love you. Show him that this love is true.”
    And I have seen God working through this, in His sovereignty all along. I have sat in my living room with my son and his partner and, at their initiation, engaged in deep conversations about God. They are seeking him. He is seeking them. This is clear to me. And in some wonderful way that is only possible with the Lord, He is doing it through their circumstances. My hairdresser is gay and because of my love for my own son, we have been able to have some intense discussions about the Lord. As it turns out he grew up in a family that was very involved in church and has had a very cold reaction from the Christians in his life. My heart breaks for him because, through the Christians in his life he has not experienced God’s love but rather condemnation. What I fear the most for kids who are gay…and adults…is that they will hear and believe the lie that this is the one thing that will disqualify them from a relationship with God. That, in believing this lie, they will not seek Him at all in the midst of everything because someone has told them they might as well not bother as long as they’re gay.

    Anyway, thank you for writing a good article that puts the whole thing in perspective.

    • You are exactly right Karen.

      They don’t need to hear how wrong they are, or how “sinful” they are; rather they need to hear of God’s redeeming Love – the Love that has created them in His image, the Love that has died for them, the Love the is wooing them back to Him.

      This is not to say that we compromise truth, but that we live out truth through arms of love and grace – just as Jesus practiced throughout the gospels.

      Your message is an encouragement to other parents, thanks for posting.


      • Shawn! God is good! After almost 3 years and a lot of tearful prayers, my daughter has come out of the gay lifestyle and has given her heart back to Jesus! She is in the processes of she shedding a lot of old beliefs but because she is in Gods hands and her steps are being directed He is sloughing off old ways. Praise the Lord! Don’t give up on your kids folks! Keep bringing them before the throne room, love them like Jesus would and DONT GIVE UP!

    • I read through all of this and I cannot do this – my daughter dresses like a boy, sags her pants, is quietly pleased that people mistake her for a boy. She purposefully chooses to act like a boy to the point that when I see her in town I don’t even want to acknowledge that she is my daughter. My husband is a pastor and it is not that I don’t love her – she says that she is trying to live for God and to me changing those male behaviors might be a big start in that direction.She is battling with gay issues and I am in no way ready to accept any of it. I love her but I just want to deal with any of it on any level. I am being honest when I write this.

      • I think what she is experiencing is being Transgendered. It is where she feels she is a boy there fore, she acts like a boy. A friend of mine came out to be as being transgendered and is thinking of getting an operation to make the switch from girl to boy. Now, this may be difficult but if you believe the whole, everything happens for a reason, then this is no different. I only wish you were more open minded about this fact.

      • I understand your pain Patti. I too had a daugher that dressed like a boy. I see your comment is over a year old and wonder how you and your daughter are doing. My daughter recently told us the she is in a same gender relationship. Like you, I can’t accept this as God’s plan for her life. All I can do is love her and pray for her. It’s difficult, but I’m trying to have faith that God is working in her life and will bring her out of this.

      • Patti, I have learned that our daughters may dress in a masculine fasion in order to not draw attention to themselves. They ‘think’ they are making themselves invisible, in a sense. It is their way of protecting themselves from any abuse by men. In conversations with women who dress this way I am told they were abused and they don’t want to look feminine, or attractive. What they don’t realize, I believe, is that the manner in which they dress draws attention to them. They fear being hurt again, they fear rejection, they fear so much. Early on, when my oldest daughter was living as a lesbian (for almost 24 years), I was embarrased by her appearance. God, so gently, reminded me she needed my love. I had nothing to be ashamed of. I am thankful I listened to Him. God loves and He wants us to love as well. We must be Jesus ‘in the flesh’ to our loved ones who are struggling through this issue. Blessings to you and hugs, Nora

      • i too have a daughter that says she is a lesbian. She dresses like a boy, short hair, no makeup, t-shirts and saggy jeans. She had boyfriends early on, but they were jerks and so i feel that she is hiding by dressing like a boy so that she doesn’t attract the attention of boys. She is 17. i’m worried that she is hiding and missing out on much of her high school years. She has a good friend (girl) ad she swears that they are just friends. i told her i didn’t mind if they were dating, i truly like this girl and i don’t know, her being a lesbian isn’t as bothersome as the way she dresses. But if they are dating, i don’t think it’s appropriate that they spend the night at each other’s house, just as i would not allow her younger sister (or her) to have a boy overnight. She is seeing a therapist. If i say to her that i think she’s hiding behind her clothing and appearance, it makes it seem as though i don’t consider her beautiful, which i do, or that i don’t love her unconditionally. It’s distressing to me, her dad and her sister when she is constantly being confused for a boy. She doesn’t seem to hear these comments. Not sure how she can miss it.

        She just came home with an even shorter hair style. i just want to cry.

      • Give it time. My daughter did this too. It was treacherous for me. She is now a 21 year old corporate chef living in another city. Don’t let her identity crisis become yours. I ended up in a mental hospital over my daughters (both) being gay. Both are happy successful adults. Will they go to heaven? I hope so but it’s not up to me. As you will see, surrender to God will be your only peace. Let go of what you want. Let God have his way in your life and theirs. If you have any hope of getting through to her, it is acceptance and love. The more you push her, the worse both of you will feel. One of the most difficult things for all parents is realizing that we do not own or have any right to tell another person who to be … Even our children.

      • I hear ya sister, all we hear is to be understanding, comforting, and loving. I too love my so and through out his life he was such an inspiration to everyone he meets. My comfort was that people had to guess he didn’t act gay, he didn’t dress gay, and he’s very very handsome!!! So I took comfort, thinking good people won’t know!!! But yet every single day, month, year, not a single girl or woman!!!! What hurts the most is that I’ve never ever seen my son with a girl or woman ever!! And that hurts so bad, I think if had another son that was straight, I could just be happy and see him dating and in love and some girl is loving him back, then I can say oh…. I love you and support you and etc….. but this is my only son and I guess I’ll never, ever in life see him dating a woman!!!! Oh and grandchildren, wow that too stolen from me, I don’t care what all these supporters are saying its all from the devil, he loves seeing men love each other that’s what he does is switch up what GOD intended it to be just that simple. I think this is why I don’t invite people around, make new friends or now really try to avoid my son with people, because they can see that he likes being with men!!!!! That to me will never ever be accepted, so yeah I’m so sad and very disappointed, but I do love my son!!!!! Can’t nobody take that away from me at lease I have that!!!!

      • Hi Patti,

        How are you and your daughter doing now? I know it has been a while – but your post spoke to me a this is my story. Your response would be a much appreciated blessing – very best to you, C. Lynne

    • Thank you so much for your word. I feel so lost in my situation and I don’t want to lose my daughter through my selfish believes.

  2. My son just came to me and his step-father about a week ago and all kinds of questions lurke my mind, like is there something i did or not do and the biggest question is what happened… I feel a bit angry even though my son has always shown being a little more feminine, but i find myself crying by myself since it has come out. I have two other children who i know are straight, one is a girl and the other a boy. My two son’s go to school together one is in the 11th grade and the other is in the 9th grade. My 11th grader is the one who is gay, and i feel it is gonna have a negative effect on my 9th grader since he is a jock, plays football and weight lifts and i am afraid if someone approaches him about his brother that he might snap, so i have had a conversation to lead him in the direction that is positive just in case it does happen, but i am still afraid… My son who is gay stated that he was approached by one of his peers on being gay and he stated he did’nt like that she was loud spoken with it and he denied it… I don’t have any answers for him on this issue and i am afraid of what might or might not be going on in his head.

    • Angel,Hi, i am posting to let you know that I can and do sympathize with your situation. My daughter ,who is now 20,began showing changes in her dress and becoming secrative from our family at 16. It was quite by accident(I choose to believe it was divine intervention) that I was asked by someone what I thought of my daughters new lifestyle. It hit home right upside my head like a baseball. The sad thing is,in my shock and disbelief,I found myself thinking things like,”If she had gotten pregnant or was having sex with a boyfriend,I could accept that better.” I was wrong there,and I used the hell fire and damnation approach,that made it worse. Her brother who was in the grade bellow her at the time,was relieved,because he had been made fun of and teased the whole time because at one time,our daughter wanted to become a missionary,had the light of God in her eyes,was an active member of FCA at school,and now was a BIG lesbian/bisexual.My son cried and told her how he was so hurt,how that he and she were being ridiculed at school because she had ellected to ruin her christian testimony by turning away from God and living for the world. We as a family have been through her ups and downs between women/men relationships,and the pain and shock it has caused our immediate/and extended family when they all found out. My daughter is now in a long term relationship with her “significant other” who has been very respectful to me and my family. I have been allowed to speak to her about Christ and His love for us all. The pain we cause when we sin doesn’t just affect us. It is like throwing a pebble in the middle of a still body of water,the ripples grow and get bigger as they grow until the ripples reach the other side of the body of water. That is what our sin is like,it first affects us and then eventually it affects everyone close to us,then people who aren’t so close to us.I have been evrywhere from staying away when I knew I couldn’t change it to feeling convicted for not showing the love of my Christ and Lord,because I can’t change it,I am not accountable for that choice,and I have been shown that I do not have to approve of it,I choose to accept it(to acknowledge what is true) and that doent mean I approve or condone it,because I do not and will not have myself hanging out with a group of gay people. I read in the bible that Christ walked among sinners,unforgiven people who had not asked for forgiveness to live their life in the Lord,but Jesus “hung out” with his appostles.See the difference? We can and should love our children,unconditionally,with the love Christ has for us,for them. We can do that and be there for them without promoting their choice of lifestyle,and without approving of it. This has affected my marriage,my whole life,but I keep God in the middle of it,and He keeps me afloat.I have had people turn on me because I will not choose to agree with it,and I have had to learn about the homosexual lifestyle,because they tend to think differently than heterosexals do about certain things. But I promise you this,if you will always keep God as your center,your ship will not capcize,it may be tossed about and sail on some pretty high winds and rough waters,but it will not sink. I am here if you need to talk.

      • This was what I needed to read right now and I would really be appreciative to talk or email with you.

      • You can email me anytime, Joanne. Then we can set up a time to talk via phone if you want. Thanks for commenting.

      • I just found this site and am crying as i read. i need help and don’t know where to look. my son is gay and i’m having a hard time with it. thank you

      • Melissa if you ever have a chance, please email me I would love to have someone to talk to about this. I am going through the same thing as we speak. When I read your post I could have been looking in a mirror and reading about the life of my daughter, husband (her step dad and myself). It is by the grace of God I stumbled onto this website and this post. I know things need to change and the 1st thing has to be me. I love my daughter but i think all she hears is I am disappointed in her, ashamed of her and want anything but this for her life. Thank you so much for your courage to write this post. I dont think you will ever know how much You are helping others but you have Surely helped me.

      • Hi Melissa,
        I would really like to correspond with you via email as I would like to talk to someone as you have describe exactly how I feel (lush5@telkomsa.net. Bless you Gabby

      • I am glad I found this sight, but still feel helpless. My 17 year old son told us six months ago he is gay. I am trying to be supportive and not judge, but all I find is that I am deeply depressed.

        If anyone can please answer–

        1- My son is a devoted Catholics. By his choice he is a Eucharistic minister, peer minister and a confirmation counselor. The catholic church acknowledges homosexuality, put promotes celibacy and considers homosexual acts as sin. While my son is still in high school and loves God and the Catholic church, he wants to come out his senior year and wants to be in a homosexual relationship. I don’t understand how he does not see conflict with this. I told him that there are churches that are more accepting and I would go with him- . I feel like I need to tell the church of his homosexual intentions because his actions or intended actions are not what he preaches. I won’t tell- because it is not my place but this to me is wrong lying to the church. I feel he needs to find a different church. Any advice?

        2 – my son was accepted into Harvard. He got into this school because he was recruited for football- plus he has straight As- but As alone cant get you into Harvard. It has always been his dream to go to this school. Now he doesn’t want to go because he wants to come out and feels he can’t do that and play football. While i smile and tell him i love him, I feel like he is wasting a gift from God and an unbelievable opportunity. Sex is not everything. How do you tell a 17 year old this????

        I am inconsolable. Angry with God for giving my son such a curse. He is giving up HIS dreams and this kills me. He says he still really wants to go to Harvard as it is his dream school, but can’t because he can’t come out without the risk of being physically hurt by teammates.

        His homosexuality has torn his future apart, this family apart, his 10th grade sister is deeply depressed and prays everyday he doesn’t come out because then she will need to transfer schools, my husband feels as though everything he has worked for his entire life (the future of his family) is for nothing.

        While I realize being gay in a very conservative catholic family and being a jock has not been easy for my son. What I don’t understand is his actions.

        Everyone here says pray and God is with you. I don’t feel God is with me. I use to have the strongest faith one could have. Now I feel there is so much pain in the world, there is no God.

        How can a person be blessed with such an incrediblly smart mind (my son) and yet want to throw his future away so he can be gay. He was blessed with a genius IQ and wanted to make a difference in the world through Math and Science – but being gay is more important to him. It is a true loss to the world.

      • Thanks for commenting A. I’m going to try and answer your questions in order.

        1 – I don’t think you should tell the church without him doing so first or without his permission. Yes, he is not being up front with them, but it’s not your place to “out” him. Have you talked to him about this, and how does he respond?

        Taking him to a “pro-gay” church will do more harm than good, in my opinion. Those churches do not believe homosexuality is a sin and encourage gays and lesbians to live open lives.

        2 – Not sure his coming out is about sex. The majority of gay teens want to come out for the main reason of finally being who they are. Many gay teens who come out have no interest in having sex; they just want people to know they’re gay. Going to Harvard and playing football won’t be hindered because he’s gay. There are plenty of gay athletes out there. The main question for him, and you, to consider is this: are you ready to come out? See, coming out has many things attached to it, and negative attention is a huge one. If your son isn’t ready to handle this stuff, maybe now isn’t a good time to come out. High school is rough as it is; being openly gay and in high school is even tougher. I came out in high school … not good.

        God did not curse your son. I would not say that homosexuality is a curse from God, rather it’s a means to glorify God. I don’t like that I have same-sex attractions. However, God has used it to bless others and spread message of His love and salvation to hundreds of people. I’m completely amazed at this.

        Your son may have same-sex attractions, but that doesn’t mean he has to act upon them. Your son is most likely confused about everything … not sure how to handle things and feels torn himself. And I know you all are feeling the same. Yes he is going to face hardships with coming out, but that’s where he needs a supportive family behind him. He doesn’t have to give up college or his dreams just because he’s gay. But he also doesn’t have to act upon his same-sex attractions because he has them either.

        He has a lot of choices to make. Please know that God is standing right beside each of you. He has not forsaken you during this time. Please don’t give up on God, or your son.

      • Thank you so much for this. My daughter first told us she was bisexual when she was 14 years old, then she got into a same-sex relationship and told us she is gay. She has had three other same-sex relationships since then. She’s 15. None of those relationships have been good/positive relationships. Through her 1st “relationship” she learned to cut herself, sext and lie to us. She then went on to her next “relationship” where she started sending naked pictures of herself. My daughter chose to start seeing a therapist, but she is now going after another girl that has been known to physically & emotionally be abusive to her previous girlfriend. Both my husband and I have told her we love her, but we don’t like the choices/actions she’s been taking and we don’t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. Her older brother supports her, which is great, but he can’t understand why we’ve taken the stance we’ve taken. My daughter now says that the Bible is just a bunch of stories and she doesn’t believe in it. We’ve tried to let her have someone over, but both times they were disastrous, with my daughter and her ‘girlfriend’ getting too handsy with each other and then her not talking with us afterward when we address it. My husband and I don’t think we can allow her to have another ‘friend’ over. She refuses to talk with us about her feelings. Her brother has tried to get her to talk with us, but when I approach her she becomes defensive and says nothing is wrong. My husband and I have been clinging to God, some days are tougher than others. Since my daughter has only come out to her friends, both me and my husband want to be respectful of who she has told, but that leaves us without a support group (friends) where we can talk through things. I would really appreciate to be able to email you.

      • Two years, my 21 year old, beautiful daughter, told me she was in a same sex relationship. A year before, her younger brother, than 18, was diagnosed with a serious mental illness. I didn’t take it well, said some very horrible things & unGodly things, and though we talked about ‘it’ a few times later, she said it was a phase & she was moving on. When she came home from college from out of state, this week (I have been so looking forward to these few weeks together), she wanted to talk to me in her room. She had journaled what she wanted to tell me, that she was living a lie to me. This time, I was able to allow God’s grace to love her & let her know I will always love her. We have always been very close; I knew from her eyes that there was something she was sad about. Anyway, Melissa, your blog really helped me; I will always love her, but, I too, will never believe that this is God’s will for her or anyones life. God is my rudder, my anchor, on these very stormy seas. Take care…

      • I found out about my 13yr old (at the time) through looking at cell phone text messages. I thought it was a boy until I opened a picture..it was girl. My heart sank..I was upset but thought she is young..not worried. Then she starts high school, talked to a few boys at school in fact…so when she started bringing a girl w/ a guy friend to the house, I didn’t think much of it. Till they both called themselves telling me they were gay and they were together. This girl was 16! So I took her out of public school immediately and placed her back in a Catholic private school. I thought this was over..she just turned 14…then today I check her play station messages…she was corresponding with a bi-female. I can’t even look at her. I can not ignore or support this in ANY WAY. I want to say I still love you..I want to hug her..but I feel personally betrayed. I have put EVERYTHING into her. So much I barely had anything left for the 2 younger siblings. I am embarrassed. Ashamed. Angry. Disgusted. And I feel so guilty that I feel this way about my child. I took a job in South America, was so excited about giving my children the experience of a lifetime. Now…all I want to do is lay down, pull the covers over my head…and escape from this nightmare.

      • I would love for other parents to chime in on J’s story. Have you begun talking to you daughter about things? What does she think? How does she define herself? How are you handling things? Praying for you J.

      • Melissa thank you so much for your words. I feel the same way after finding out this past week end that my daughter is in love with another woman. She also has been in ministry and serving at a church. now having to give up her leadership role, it’s just killing my husband and I. Your words of encouragement and love have been what I have needed.

    • Beautiful grand daughter started dressing in boy cloths at about 17 yr old, then cut her hair off. She states she is gay. Now 23 yr old. still in female female relationships. I try to deal with it. But I am like these other mothers, I can’t stand the way she dresses. She was starting to grow her hair 5 months worth, we were talking make up, she was talking about dressing girlie again. Then went out one night meet up with some old friends partied all night, went again a few days later came back in with her hair cut off again. It is like she is a walking Bill board. Years back when women were hiding that they were lesabin yes they cut there hait and dressed as a male, to try to cover up the female female relationship. But why when there is such demands on society to accept the “Gay ” are these girls still going out trying to look butch. And why does the girlie gay girl want a butch gay girl, if they want butch why not go out with BUTCH OR STEVE u know a male

    • I have a 20 year hear old daughter, beautiful, intelligent, girl, athletic, fun to be with, and loves the lord. Six months ago we discovered that she met a lesbian and took advantage of her vulnerability. She had a bad relationship with a thirty year old man whom she loved very much. However, all her boyfriends during the age of sixteen was hurtful. My daughter has never given herself any time to be alone (to learn from any of these experiences). She went from on boy to the next to feel the void of being hurt. Today this brought her to where she claims to be happy and to come out and say she is a lesbian. My wife and I were and still are very hurt by this. We cried our hurts out. I do believe in God and that He is in control but I need much support and prayer to continue in this journey. My daughter becomes defensive when I speak of the Bible in light of same sex relationship. What can I do?

      • Hi Maurice – how are things going?

        Is your daughter willing to get help / talk about the abusive relationships she’s been in with men? Not saying this is a definite answer, but it does seem that her (bad) experience with men has led her to date (fall in love with) women. The abuse, low self-esteem, anger, shame, etc running together needs to be dealt with first, not so much her gay relationship. Make sense? Is she willing to see a counselor?

  3. Shawn, I found you via Andrew Marin’s blog. I wish I’d found this website a year ago but better late than never. My wonderful son told me over a year ago that he is gay. I continue to love him as much as ever, of course. However, I’ve been grieving. I was so relieved to read what you said in this post about loving my child. THANK. YOU.I’ve been searching and searching for information, for someone that understands. Again, thank you.

      • Great question Linda. In the next week or so I hope to have an article out that addresses relating to gay family members.

        In the mean time, I would sit with your parents (in-laws) and talk to them about your gay daughter. Why do they not accept her? What questions do they have about gay people? Etc. Maybe you’ve already done this, but if you haven’t I would start there.

        At times, for many family members, all they see is a gay person. For you, and your husband, all you see is your daughter. For you, it may be easier to accept your daughter, as she is, then her grandparents. This is hard for both her and you, no doubt; but, understand, this may be their way of dealing with things – until they’re able to sort through their own issues with homosexuality. Beyond talking with them, I would keep helping them understand that your daughter is still their granddaughter – no matter her sexuality. If you have resources, share them.

        You don’t want to force them to believe what you believe, but provide them with enough resources that they won’t have an excuse not to deal with the issue.

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  5. I am weeping as I read this article. Our son told us on September 2nd that he is gay. He had just moved out of the house to go to college. My heart and my husband’s heart was shattered. Tonight our son came home and we had a chance to talk. After we talked and he went back to school, I felt completely hopeless. I felt completely abandoned by God and completely hopeless. Thank you for this website. It does give me hope. We have no one at our church that we can talk with about this – we have been without a pastor for over 2 years. My spouse and I feel so isolated.

    • My heart breaks for you, as I read this, Lucille. I am so sorry that you and your husband do not have the support your family needs right now. But I do know that God is standing near you, holding you both at this very moment.

      Isaiah 40 comes to mind, and the truth of His promise: never will I leave you, never will I forsake you.

      If you live in Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, or Tennessee, let me know (via email) and I’ll pass on some contact info of people to connect with.

      • Shawn,
        I think alot of people feel if they accept something,it means we condone it or approve of it.Accepting something is acknowledging the truth. As a christian parent,we are left to find the line where we can still be with our child who has chosen an alternative lifestyle,and what that means for our belief system. But I guess that is what satan does when he tears a family unit apart,causes dissruption,distrust,cofussion,and loss.If we let our focus turn away from God,even for a second,we get derailed and lost in the storm.Keep your eyes and focus on God,only He can guide u through this situation intact.Not unruffled,but intact.

      • I live in N.J. and need spiritual/emotional guidance. My husband just told me he is attracted to men but not sexually. We have 5 grown children. My husband & I are not close; hardly a marriage….no intimacy. Help! Thank you. Jeanne

      • Hi Jeanne … I’m sorry you are going through this trying time right now. There is a ministry in Philadelphia (PA) that works specifically with spouses of same-sex attracted people. Their name is Harvest USA – http://harvestusa.org/. I think they would be a great ministry to connect with one-on-one.

        If I can help any other way, feel free to email me.

      • I just found out my Grand daughter told her Mom when she was about twelve that she was gay. Now she is 17. Heavy in soft ball and she has always has had a weight problem. Don’t have a Church family or support any where. We live in Ohio

    • Lucille,

      My daughter told my husband and I six months ago that she had a “girlfriend”. The pain in the next few weeks was almost unbearable. I was (and still am) too ashamed to tell anyone. It has been a struggle showing her love. Oh yes–I love her (so much it hurts)! Showing it is difficult though because of my disappointment. I just read this morning in my journal of six months ago about the pain I was feeling and how I wanted to die and go to heaven. The hope I can give you is that now six months later, I have peace and joy! The more I let go of my daughter entrusting her in God’s hands, the more peace and joy I feel. God helped me — one day as I was pleading for Him to work in her heart and mind (as I did A LOT), I heard in my mind Him say “I am”. WOW! That was the beginning of the change for me. You can hang on to this truth too. God is working in your son’s heart and mind. God loves our children more than we do!

      God will lead you to things that will help you as you move on to living!

      My husband and I did some practical things that helped us survive those first few months. Our minds were so stressed out that we decided to eliminate anything else that would cause stress. We stopped listening to the news and stressful movies and instead we listened to Christian music and recorded sermons. And we began eating dinner at the table instead of in front of the tv. We also started praying together.

      I continue to hope that my daughter will repent and seek help to overcome her same-sex attractions. Yet, now I leave her in God’s hands and I’m moving on to “living”. (Don’t get me wrong — there are moments of pain, but they don’t consume me.) I’m enjoying life!

      Hang in there! Give yourself time to grieve ( I read a book on grief that was helpful “A Grace Disguised” by Jerry Sittser.) It may be difficult to believe, but joy will come.

      • Lucille
        Thank you very much for sharing here. My daughter informed me and my husband that she was gay, and then moved in with her “girlfriend”. I was absolutely heartbroken and still cannot find relief from the pain and disappointment. I find myself crying off and on throughout the day. I feel so embaressed, sad and alone in this. I do love my daughter so very much, but I cannot condone her lifestyle. It has been difficult to keep the lines of communication open with her, as she only wants acceptance of her lifestyle. I am trying to be there for her, but I have no peace or joy right now. Family holiday situations are very strained and it is very stressful for all of us. I keep praying for her. It is a challenge to show her love when she is angry and lashes out at me for not accepting her lifestyle and situation. I just need so hope.

      • Mary,
        I am experiencing what you have described …RIGHT NOW. please email me so i can have SOMEONE with whom to correspond. thank you.

    • Thanks so much for sharing Mary. Two other great book are: “Someone I Love is Gay” and “When Homosexuality Hits Home”. Both deal with parent-child relationships.

      Another good resource is “101 FAQs about Homosexuality”. All book links can be found on our resource page.

  6. Thank you Mary and Shawn for your reply. I have not been able to tell anyone about our son “coming out.” I am going through so many emotions – this has really tested my faith more than any other time in my 40+ years on Earth. I have experienced heartache and pain before but nothing, NOTHING, compares to the heartbreak I feel right now. Again, thank you for your kind words. My husband and I have no one to talk to about this – except each other, of course – and I appreciate this site so much. At least I can share my pain here.Thank you for “listening.”

    • I would be willing to talk with you and your husband via email or phone as well, Lucille. Free of charge of course … 611ministries [at] gmail [dot] com

  7. My heart goes out to you Lucille and I also would be willing to share in your pain via email or phone (if this site allows that). My prayers are for you as I think of you throughout the day.

  8. I am gay….I was raised in a God fearing home. I attended church with my family every Sunday morning, evening, Wednesday evening, holiday, guest speaker, revival, etc… most times my brother and I brought our homework to church because we were there more than we were home. I have felt Gods love as well as conviction.
    Growing up were always taught in Sunday school to invite our friends, and to let them know God does not care what they look like, if they have tattoos, long hair, if they smoke, drink or the like…
    When I was 16 I went through a phase of my life where I wanted to do my own thing and as a result became pregnant. For the first time in my life, I was the one who had all condemning eyes on me.
    I used to hear the comments made about “outsiders” who sat in the pews. But this was the first time I felt like I was one of “those” people. At a time when I needed them most, my christian family turned their back on me like an outcast.
    I could not attend youth group because “I was a bad influence”
    I could not attend woman’s ministries because “I was too young”
    The flute that was purchased for me to use in the worship service was returned because if I were allowed to continue I was sending a message that the church condoned my behavior.
    The only thing I was allowed to do was attend services. So I was left in the dust.
    Not only did this happen in my church, but other churches in my town as well.
    Since I was 18, I have made many attempts to come out to family and friends and because of my experience at 16 being a single mom and the reaction of the church, I failed and ended up married (and divorced) 2 times.
    Both were very abusive situations. Now at 35 years old, I am more at peace with God and myself than ever. I finally came out almost 6years ago now and have been with my partner for 5 years. We bought a home and have a 3yr old daughter. My partners mother lives with us as well as my brother and his daughter. I am surrounded by family and friends who love me unconditionally.
    I never lost my faith in God the Father…rather I lost my faith in the institution of church. God told us to love one another as he loved us and not to judge one another because that is his job. Why? Because, he judges our hearts and the fruits of our spirit. Actions are meaningless because people only show you what they want you to see.
    I bothers me when people assume that if your gay…you have drifted from god. They assume if you don’t attend church…you don’t believe in his word and are not a disciple.
    I have searched my soul and prayed numerous times that He would show me his purpose and give me peace.
    I have found peace and now I pray that someday I can marry my partner legally and have all of the opportunities in life that people of opposite sex marriages are entitled to.
    I understand the Bible is Gods word, to us, spoken through man. But no where does it say that I will not inherit the kingdom of God for my decision to live my life as a gay woman. I did not chose to be gay anymore than my daughter chooses to use her left hand. It is how God made me. There is a choice yes…I agree, but it was not to be gay rather than not to be in the closet. I could go through life doing what the church feels I should do. I could get married and have the “Leave it to Beaver” life. But I would still be gay. I would still find women to be my attraction. Then were would that leave me?? A liar. I would be lying to my husband, family, friends, and most of all God.

  9. My daughter told me and my husband almost a year ago that she was in a relationship with another girl. I know God still loves her and that He is calling me to continually love her (which of course I do!). It’s sad that the church hasn’t always responded as God would want them to.

    I wish I could pat you on the back though and tell you that everything is okay. Yes, God loves you but He has a better plan for you. There was a time when I was attracted to men other than my husband and I didn’t follow God’s plan for me. I could say that I couldn’t help it that I was attracted to these men but that doesn’t make what I did okay. It’s not always easy following God’s plan for our lives. Partly because we don’t truly understand how much He loves us and therefore we don’t trust Him and His way. We think our way is better. And yes, it does feel better for a time.

    There are those who are attracted to the same sex and with God’s grace are living celibate lives because they don’t want to displease the God who sacraficed His son for them. They believe what the Bible says about God’s displeasure of homosexuality and are seeking to follow His way. Some are discovering the circumstances and influences that caused the same sex attraction and are finding freedom from it.

  10. I totally appreciate what you are saying and respect your valued beliefs. Can I ask you this… if your daughter and her partner were to have a family of their own, would you acknowledge their children as being your grandchildren (provided they were not biologically your daughters)? The reason I am asking is because my father is the one who sent me this site as a way to let me know that he is making an effort toward understanding my relationship.
    I know it is not easy for him especially since he was living as a gay man himself during the 60’s. He became a christian and in turn got married having my brother and I. He tells me he is still faced with temptation frequently but does not act on it.
    I feel like church has become an AA of sorts for him. He is one of the most honest devout christians I know. He is honest for sure. But he still is struggling with being known as a grandpa to my 3yr old daughter that my partner delivered. This is painful considering he so loving and wonderful with my other 2 daughters and my niece. I know this is a place geared more toward the parent rather than the child but I want to understand him as much as he wants to understand me.

    • Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts, Lydia. I, too, am sorry that you have found nothing but heartache in the Church. And I’m sorry that your dad is choosing to ignore his granddaughter, just because she has two moms. Both attitudes need to change and be more Christ-like, no doubt.

      Obviously, this blog holds to the view that same-sex relationships are unbiblical. But I hope it’s also obvious that we do not force people to accept our beliefs or to change any part of their life. These actions can only be done by the person themselves. It cannot be done for them.

      You’re right, in that given your past two marriages, settling down with a husband may not be the best idea. For those that have forced marriage upon you as being the “end-all-answer,” I’m sorry; they’ve gravely spoken out of turn. Marriage is not the end result of anything, Jesus Christ is. And this is what we, at Six:11, strive to help people, from all sides of life, attain: an authentic, deep, personal, connection between them and the Father (God).

      You’re also right in saying that God calls us to love one another, unconditionally as He loves us, and to not withhold compassion and grace from those we deem unacceptable. When it comes down to it, no of us deserves God’s love. We are a self-righteous people that think everything is owed to us, but the truth is, we aren’t owed anything – especially from God. However, as for “judging one another”, I would say that Christians are called to keep each other in check, to help one another stay the course in following God’s word and will. Disagreeing with same-sex relationships is not judging you and others, anymore than disagreeing with sex outside of marriage is judgmental. The Bible lays before us standards; as Christians, we are to help one another follow these standards, through the ways of truth and grace, recognizing that none of us is above the other.

      My hope is that you will find on here encouragement and challenge to pursue a deeper relationship with Jesus – how ever that looks. And that you will find, though the Church is flawed, God still moves within it and still calls Christians to be a part of His Body.

  11. Well said Shawn.

    Tough question Lydia. One of the struggles I go through is knowing how to show love and at the same time not appear to be approving of the lifestyle choice.

    I haven’t met my daughter’s partner and though I’m praying for her and God is giving me a love for her, it is difficult to accept her as part of our family. That is because I don’t see this as a marriage in God’s eyes and my prayers are for her to give her life to God and that would mean an end to the relationship. It’s difficult to explain my thoughts and feelings on this.

    Regarding chidren, that’s easy for me. I love children — other’s as well as my own. And of course, the child is innocent and needs to be loved. I believe I could love the child as I would my own. I’m not sure my daughter and her partner would want my influence though. God is central in my life and I would share my faith as often as possible. I don’t mean that I’m preachy. But, I do find a lot of occasions to praise God for His goodness, His power and His love. My hope would be that this child would learn of God’s love and choose God’s way. For it is the best way to find peace, joy and purpose in life!

    • I wonder, Mary, what would it look like if you invited your daughter and her partner over for dinner (or another meal)? Showing unconditional love to both doesn’t mean you approve of the choices they’re making, instead, it tells them that your love goes beyond differences and “behaviors.” Sharing your love for Jesus doesn’t always involve words. And for some people, as the saying goes, they don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

      How is your daughter’s relationship with Christ? How about her partner’s? Could the Holy Spirit want to use you, and your loving-kindness, to present Christ in a real and personal way to your daughter and her partner?

      I’m sure it’s a difficult situation to approach, but just some things to wrestle with.

  12. Oh yes, I have wrestled with it. My daughter has been living on her own for awhile now. I have never hung out with her friends and don’t know why I should pursue a relationship with this friend. In all the years she lived at home, I showed her love and shared my faith. I don’t think there is anything I can say or do that would make a difference. I think they both claim to be Christians but I don’t believe my daughter has a personal relationship with God. I pray for them and know that the work of the Holy Spirit is what is needed. She knows God’s Word from birth and I trust that God will bring things to her rembrance in His time. If God wants me to do more, I trust He will let me know and give me the grace to do it.

    BTW Shawn. Could you removed my email address from my blog above? I prefer to keep my name private. Thanks.

  13. You are very very much right, I must show my parents this because they are breaking me down day by day, I am gay and I told them this 2009 when I was 16, I am 19 now and they are not accepting me at all.

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  15. What does anyone suggest when your child has told other family members but will not admit it to you. Even after you ask and affirm your Love for them will not change. I feel him not admitting to me is due to that way he can “ask for a friend to stay all night” How do you handle that situation??? Help my child is 16.

  16. I have posted here before (back in September 2011)when our son first told us he is gay. I cannot understnad this at all. My husband and I feel as if we have always lived a good Christian example in our home and our son always went to church with us. In fact, anytime we would even remotely think about missing a service (VERY rarely we would think that) our son would be the one to insist on going. Now he doesn’t go to church at all.I am still wrestling with this and I cry most days. It hasn’t gotten any easier. My husband and I were very loving when our son “came out” to us (we told him that we loved him and nothing could ever change that) but he has not brought up the subject since then. I am so confused – I don’t if we should be bringing it up or not? My husband and I feel like we are all alone and have no one to turn to for guidance. If anyone has suggestions for us, please let me know. Thanks!

      • This is regarding to “J” This really HIT HOME FOR ME and I know what you are going through! I too went through the EXACT same thing with my daughter when she was 14 came out and said she was Bi- & cutting ~thinking we wouldn’t understand her being raised in a Christian home~ It is the complete opposite. My LOVE for her doesn’t change at ALL! Just as Jesus loves us! Every trial we or our loved ones go through is to bring GLORY BACK TO GOD~ I Hold true to his words~ Train up a child in the (Lord) the way they should go and when they are old they will not depart from it! and now 16 says shes a lesbian, hasn’t personally act upon it but thinks this way.I told her NOTHING will ever change my love for her! So important that your children know that! Whoever is having a hard time dealing with this. It’s not easy, but stay strong in the Lord, Hold fast to his words in scripture ~ We must always fight for our children in prayer! and show them the love of Jesus w/out saying a word! It breaks my heart that even the church is so judgmental ~ that’s why it says in scripture TRUST IN GOD NOT MAN! There is sadly a lot of hypocrisy in the church~ Just cause they go doesn’t mean they are saved and don’t even have a relationship with Jesus! The Lord knows your heart~ and the BEST I can say WHOEVERS CHILD IS GAY ~JUST LOVE THEM!!!! Let the Lord do the rest and he will!! it’s always in his timing not ours! As always Let the LORDS WILL BE DONE ~ LORDS BLESSINGS to you ALL<3

  17. Lucille,

    Our story is very similar. It’s almost been a year since my daughter told us she had a girlfriend. We discussed it then but have avoided the subject since. Yesterday, I was struggling with whether to open up a discussion about it since I heard she is “married”. We have always been very close and it feels strange to me not to talk about what is going on in her life in any area. After some thought, I realized that I should focus on what we have in common and continue to show love to her. Discussing it could provoke an argument and what good would that do? If she brings it up, then I will talk about it. Though, I worry that it could result in hurt feelings. She may hope that our thoughts have changed about what God says about it and I don’t want to change my beliefs for a better relationship with her.

    The good news is that God loves our kids and that He is longsuffering. The best thing I can do for her is to pray for her. The best thing I can do for me is to have faith that God is working.

  18. Lucille,

    I encourage you to find someone you can trust to talk to about this. I have sisters that I talk to and they have been such an encouragement. They have prayed for me and my daughter. They have listened to me cry and let me vent my feelings. They have called me at times when I was grieving and have encouraged me. They don’t give advice, but many times as we talk, God speaks to my heart.

  19. Hello Mimi,
    Thanks for your reply. It has been a tough few days for me. I constantly waiver back and forth on what, if anything, we should be saying to our son. I can only pray that God will work in our son’s life. I have been reading “101 Questions about Homosexuality” and I am trying to get a better handle on things and gain a better understanding of the issues that we are dealing with. I am so thankful for Shawn’s articles and for his testimony. I am especially thankful for this ministry…it is great to hear from other parents who are going through the same stuggles that we are facing.

    • Thanks for posting Lucille. I am glad that you have found support and answers. I’m glad that you are “educating” yourself about this issue, instead of ignoring it. I pray things continue to go well. He will never leave nor forsake us.

  20. Thank you for this information, it has been very helpful. My 18 yo son told me yesterday that he is gay. We had suspected for some time, but we are close and I had asked him about it before. Every time, he assured me that he was not. I find myself so confused and I feel so betrayed and lied to. From the time my 4 children were born, I gave them to God. I home-schooled them, took them to church, studied scripture regularly, volunteered with them at the church, and most importantly, I taught them and led them to having a personal relationship with God. Almost 2 years ago, my 13 yo daughter killed herself. Now, almost on the anniversary of this tragedy, my son tells me he is gay. Where is God? I just do not understand how my beautiful family is here. It is like everything I had striven for was for nothing. Now, I have to figure out how to respond to my son. I am not yet even recovered from the loss of my only daughter, but have to figure out how to let my son know how loved he is but also that I am not okay with this. We are very close and this breaks my heart into a thousand pieces. I do not know how much more I can take. Also, from what I have read, he is at increased risk for suicide. I could not take another loss. If you have any advice, please let me know. I do not want to hurt my son but I also want to be very clear that I do not approve. He knows better than this and he will even tell you that. He says that it is not his choice and there is nothing he can do. To me, he has already made up his mind and that is what frustrates me most. I believe it is not his fault that he feels the way he does, but it is his choice to just give into it and to not even try.

    • Hi Holly,

      I am sure these past years have been shocking for you. I, too, have lost a loved one to suicide (my 13yr old brother in 1998). I feel your pain deeply, and your concern for your son. While it is true that gay teens are at a higher risk of suicide, it doesn’t mean that they will commit suicide.

      The main way to stop this, of course, is by giving your son unconditional love at home. Taking the time to understand him, the things he is dealing with, and talking openly about these things, are ways that you can show him this unconditional love. Talking to him and showing him this love doesn’t mean that you forgo your convictions about homosexuality. Instead, you’re choosing to look past the issue and walk in love with your son through this issue – no matter the outcome. We see this in the Gospels with Jesus every time.

      Here is another article I wrote for parents who’s child has just come out to them – https://six11.wordpress.com/2011/07/23/coming-out-of-the-closet-for-parents/.

      He’s right in saying that he didn’t choose these feelings. And you are correct that he is choosing to act upon them. Again, though, he is feeling that he has to, because it seems right. Some people experience same-sex attractions (ssa) and nothing ever for the opposite sex. I see nothing wrong with this, if they aren’t acting upon the attractions. Some people have ssa and are able to marry the opposite sex; they are able to deny their gay attractions and fall in love with the opposite sex. Others I know do not expereince ssa anymore once they commit their lives to Christ. Though this happens, this is rare. Still, all three outcomes are fine, I believe, as all three are striving to honor God the best they can.

      Hope this helps.

      • Dear Holly,
        Please let me say how deeply sorry I am for your loss. My husband committed suicide 12 years ago and I am still not over it. I am not sure that anyone can every “get over” or “come to terms” with something such as that. We can only continue to pray and put it in God’s hands. As for your son, my 20 year old son just “came out” a month ago and immediately began staying fulltime with his 26 year-old boyfriend and now they are talking about moving in together. You say that you and your son are close. That is a blessing because mine will barely talk (or text) me and hasn’t for over two years. My faith in my religion that I was raised in has been all but destroyed due to hypocrisy, I’m being shunned by my sister and have been intermittently by my mother. I have no support group. That’s why I joined here tonight. I also wanted to comment on what you said about suicide as that has been on my mind since my son was a teenager because his father did, and now, as you point out, the risk in homosexual (or gay) persons committing suicide is much increased. As we both have family members who have done this already it is of much concern. However, as you do have a close relationship with your son (and not having one myself although I have tried and continue) I can only urge you to keep that relationship close and love him, support him (even though you do not condone it (I cannot either), and just be there for him. This is all you can do and know that we are not perfect people and God knows this. He judges what is in our hearts. He knows what is in our son’s hearts-and we both raised them to love God and beleive in his love for them so we have done what we can. We will always blame ourslelves and carry guilt because that is what mothers do. At least I do. But we do not have the power to control anyone else. When I was in therapy, my therapist (s) -and I still am- always pounded it in to me that if a person wants to do something bad enought, there is nothing you can do or say to stop them. You can hold thier hand for an hour, even a night, but can you hold it forever? Eventually they will be on thier own and you can’t be there all ther time. If you think you can, then you are playing God. God is the only one who has power over anyone. I am tired now and rambling so I will just say, you are in my prayers and if you want I would like to continue talking perhaps via email….
        God bless you,

  21. Holly,

    Much of what you related in your post also describes our family. I homeschooled both of my children and we were always active in many minstries and a very close knit fmaily. I was (and am) completely FLOORED by my son’s announcement that he is gay. He waited until he moved to college (Sept. 2011) to tell us that he is gay. Unfortunately, the university he goes to is VERY liberal and has an active LGBT group 😦 I still feel like my heart has been shattered and may never recover from this, however, the days since his announcement have gotten somewhat easier and I don’t totally dwell on his decisions. But, in the quiet moments, my heart still aches and my tears still flow. I feel like the child I raised has been replaced with someone that I do not really know….if that makes sense? I, too, feel like all the things we have done to try to raise our kids to lead Godly lives was for naught. I wish I could share some wise words with you but frankly I am still trying to figure things out myself. The only encouragement I can give you is that I will lift your family up in prayer. Especially you!


    • Prayer is a great help, Lucille. It is small and simple, yet extremely powerful.

      I want to encourage you, Holly, and others, that just because your child says they are now gay doesn’t mean that all your years of Godly instructing was a waste. Click to God’s promises about His word – like Isaiah 55:11 – where God says that His word does not return void to Him. Instead, it is sent out and accomplishes the task. I believe, as should you, that the seeds you planted into your children were not in vain and are not lost because of their sexual orientation. I believe that God will still cause those words to stir within their hearts over time, reminding them who they are and whom they belong to.

      In your prayers, remember this plea before God.

  22. Holly,

    I was shocked too because I thought my daughter had given her life to God. We volunteered at the church together. She even worked at a church for awhile. What I’ve come to realize is that she did a lot of things in the church to please us and because it was “home” to her. The church was a big part of our life. I assumed that she had given her life to God. Now, I realize that it is very probable that she never did. I also realized that I did my best and there isn’t anything more I can say or do except pray. We each have the freedom to choose God or not. I will never give up praying for her and I have faith that God is working to draw her to Him. The first months were soooo difficult. I cried all the time. God is healing my heart and I want to encourage you that He will heal yours as well. Sure, there will always be some pain. But I’m not consumed by it like I was in those first months. It was all I could think about. I don’t blame myself or try to figure out how it happened anymore. Remember Adam and Eve sinned and God was their parent. Judas was taught by Christ and saw so much first hand and yet betrayed him. It’s not about my failings as a parent and that is comforting.

    It still is difficult to get together with her because things aren’t the same. We aren’t as close like we used to be and when I’m with her, I feel that change and it is painful. I feel like I have to be cautious about what I say so as not to offend her. I also don’t feel like I can share what God is doing in my life as I had done previously. I realize now that she doesn’t understand like I thought she did. I think it was one-sided. She never disagreed with me, so I assumed that she agreed.

    I understand your pain. No one can understand like those of us who have gone through it. It helps to read what you and others are going through so I don’t feel alone. It is encouraging to read Lucille’s comments. My heart went out to her when I first read her comments and I prayed for her. It’s great to see how she is finding peace. I will pray for you as well and look forward to the day when you can share how God is giving you peace in the midst of the pain.

    And, we will keep praying for our kids. It’s never too late. We love them and God loves them even more. I look forward to the day with hope when my daughter’s eyes will be opened to the truth and she will surrender her life completely to God.

    • I really appreciated your words, I can not stop crying, feeling guilty, trying to find out what did I did wrong, and the worse part is not to have someone to talk to about my son.

      • Thanks for commenting AE. First, take a deep breath. Second, breath some more and know that God is walking this journey with you. You did not do anything wrong. Please don’t continue putting unneeded guilt and shame upon yourself. Has anyone else connected with you?

  23. Thank you for your replies and prayers. I had never thought about Adam and Eve or Judas before in that way. I have felt responsible for my daughters suicide and now my sons sexual choice which has weighed so heavy on my heart. But, you are right, these things are their choices, not mine. Has anyone tried offering counseling or maybe even just a book to read to their child? I have done some research and have found that my household very much fits the mold of what creates a homosexual boy. My husband was verbally abusive and had a violent and unpredictable temper and I was very sheltering to my kids. I also tended to favor this son because we just got along so well and he was always easy to talk to. I tried to point that out to him but he just says it has nothing to do with that. I was thinking about offering to put him in counseling, but it may just be a waste of money.

    • There are some books to read, for yourself, Holly that give great advice. Click here for some titles: https://six11.wordpress.com/about-resources/book-shelf/.

      As for counseling, I would tread lightly in this area. While counseling will help work out some hidden things, it won’t necessarily “cure” your son being gay. Homosexuality is never the root issue, something else is always beneath. Going to counseling for those things, and not homosexuality, is what I would suggest.

      Getting to the deeper issue will help bring about change – not necessarily in orientation – but in behavior. Make sense?

  24. Christians, like everyone else, ~do~ have LGBT children. Your children telling you what they are struggling through may be a braver act than you realize. Depending on your community’s (parents, relatives, neighbors, church members, pastors, teachers, etc) comments and treatment of others in the past, your child may feel like you hate them, but just don’t know it yet. Is it any surprise your child would be reluctant to share their feelings with you? Knowing that, in spite of the shock or hearing such news, couldn’t you also perhaps feel grateful that they are trying to open up a dialogue with you?

    You don’t need to feel guilt, shame or fear. You don’t need to worry about what you may have done wrong to raise such a child. You can’t “fix” them. If you are doing the above, whose needs are you serving, yours or Gods?

    What can you do? Love your child. If you want to be an example, love is the only way. Negative emotions and actions do not emulate Christ’s love. P.S. – Loving should include talking, and listening. Why am I telling you this? Maybe seeing the situation from another perspective will help you or you child. This is my story.

    I wanted to tell my parents, both sets of them. I remember my biological mother telling me as an adolescent that if I was ever gay, she would no longer have a son. This came from the mouth of the woman who brought me into this world, we cried for me, who laughed for me, who played with me, who taught me as a mother and as a Sunday school teacher. She doesn’t know the truth, but that offhand comment was the start of our divide. We drifted farther and farther apart and haven’t spoken in years now.

    I wrote a letter to tell my other parents (the ones I grew up with) that I thought I was gay. I handed it to them at the end of a visit and asked that they read it after I was gone so that they had time to deal with the news inside before we spoke again. My mother was worried that maybe I had gotten someone pregnant. She couldn’t wait, and opened the letter on the spot. She read it, and I watched the shock wash over her face. She handed it to my father. He read it and cried. One of their responses was self blame. My father could say little more than, “Are you sure?”, “What did we do wrong?” and “I don’t want you to go to hell”. Not a great way to open up a dialogue. I suggested they attend a parent support group, and handed them a PFLAG pamphlet. They then suggested I go to christian counseling. From my perspective at the time they might as well have said, “We think you are crazy but we will find a doctor that believes exactly as we do to convince you that you are wrong and if you disagree he can prescribe you pills.” I didn’t see their psychologist and they didn’t attend a PFLAG meeting. The letter was thrown in the garbage and my father said, “We will never talk about this again”. I drove home crying.

    I told some very close friends, but for the most part it was kept secret. I lived rebelliously and turned my back on everything. It worked in the short term but the end result was just emptiness. I tried hard, and cleaned up my act. I dated a girl. I took the most macho job I could find. All of it was just a cover and a lie. I still felt the way I felt. No amount of lies could change that.

    Almost 20 years have past. I still live in denial and in secret. I still work a macho job. I still feel empty. My parents still seem to hope I will give them grandchildren. I still worry about being a disappointment to my parents. I still wonder if I can ever get their approval. I still wonder if we will ever be able to talk about “it”. I’m not in any kind of relationship. I wonder how long I have to spend alone. And I still talk with God.

    • Thank you for sharing your story. I’m very sorry to hear about the bad experience you had with your parents, and the continual hurt you experience. I would love to talk more, if you want. Feel free to email me. Again, thanks for sharing.

  25. I need help!
    About 6 months ago my 21 year old daughter decided to tell me and her father that she is gay. I thought that I was ok with it at first and I let her know that I was supportive of the lifestyle that she has chosen.
    She had been attending Church with us on a regular basis and then 3 months after telling us of her choices, she decides that Church and God are not for her.
    I am disappointed, hurt, confused….the list goes on and on.
    What do I do? Will God dislike me if I love my daughter that does not love Him?
    Please help.
    Our conversations have gone from bad to worse and I feel that my relationship with my daughter is going downhill. I want to understand why she has chosen to be gay.

    • First, let me say that God would not hate you for loving your daughter. Loving her is exactly what He wants you to do. Loving her, as your daughter, does not mean you have to accept the choices she makes in life – as with any situation and any parent/child relationship. By loving her unconditionally, you will be allowing her to experience the unconditional love of the Father. As Romans 2:4 says, it was God’s loving-kindness that led us to repentance.

      I will email you, Diane. Does anyone else have advice for this mom?

    • Diane,

      I am sorry to hear that about your daughter. I am a gay man. And I love God. I love going to church. I go to a church where I am the only gay person there. Many people know, and some have their suspicions, but they don’t care because all know I love God and I truly do. I know that a lot of gay people hate God because of how some “Christians” act towards them. You at least tried to keep your relationship with your daughter and love her for who she is. I can’t say the same for my mom, but through it all I know God was my rock and kept me through the many moments of depression and despair. I never thought I could find someone to love that would have the same passion for God that I do, but I prayed and have been with a wonderful God fearing man for over two years. Keep praying for her, God is a God of miracles and the mender of broken hearts.

      I will pray for you and your family. For peace and reunification. I pray for my own everyday, but I believe no matter what God is in control. Trust God and he will never let you down. And never feel worried about loving someone. People around you may tell you God wouldn’t love them so you shouldn’t, but that just means they don’t know God at all. “For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another” I John 3:11 and “He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is Love.” I John 4:8.

      Keep believing and loving her and one day she will see the love of God in you and will want to know him better. My heart is with you, even though I am gay, I too have a desire for everyone to know God and love God. When you can remind your daughter not to blame God for what others say and do. It helped me overcome so much when I finally realized that. God bless.

  26. Hi everyone,
    I have been skimming through all the emails on this site, and the one that has really touched my heart is the one just above, from ‘Yourgayson’… I really feel your pain, because my son is gay, married to a man, and feels very left out of family stuff because of this. He is deeply hurt by some things that have been done, and like you says the pain is deep, but like you he still believes in God and though he does not agree with what the Bible says about homosexuality, he is a good man, and strives to do good things for people…

    Please believe that God is walking with you, and that He understands your pain….He has promised never to leave us nor forsake us….and God is not a man that He should lie, so when He says anything in His word then we know it is True.

    Just cry out to God to help you, and keep on crying to Him, because all He wants is for us to admit our need for HIm and to submit totally to Him, and then He will be able to step right in to our situation and heal our wounds for us, because all He asks is that we submit to Him and allow God to have His way…Thy will be done…..God knows what is best for us, and He will keep you from falling if you will just surrender your needs and hurts and loneliness to Him.

    I also wanted to thank you, Shawn, as I was feeling so desperate for guidance and have found much support in reading these letters, emails. my child has been in a homosexual relationship for 2 years now, and told me 4 years ago he was gay, and I was devastated, not to his face, as I told him I will always love him, but I was heartbroken and sometimes feel that I should not put up with it all, as no matter how hard I pray, he still does not change, but he has been through hell in all of this, and he often tells me how much he loves me and that I am the best mum, (undeserved praise as I often feel so against what he represents,) and even feel against him!!! but now that I have read all of these emails, I feel so much stronger, and am so humbled by all of you and of your unconditional love for your children,,, I am going to face this new day, REsurrection Sunday with great hope, and joy now, knowing that God is able, and that my son IS safe in His hands, and that it is alright for me to love him and to just believe in God, that one day, one glorious day, God WILL change my son, if I only believe. I will not try to change my son anymore, but will lift him up to the Lord in prayer, and wait on God to do what He does best, which is to supply all our needs according to His riches in glory,,, for He is our heavenly Father and desires only the good things for us, and not the evil things.

    God bless you all, and may His love fill each and every one of us, and may His holy Spirit lead and direct us into all that is good, pure, and pleasing to Him…
    For He is the only Way, the Truth and the Life..

  27. I jus don’t like how this website makes coming out this big devestation like a death or something . It’s doesn’t take all of that … I feel like your making it bad for the people that never change or delivered ur giving there family’s false hope in turn making them lose faith even more when 20 years down the line it doesn’t change…. Why would god create someone broken.

    • Hey Samantha. Thanks for commenting. I’m sorry if it feels that I am attacking gay people; this is not my intension. For the majority of people, their coming out experience, though, is harsh and traumatic – for the child and for parents. This article was to help parents through their trauma (shock, doubt, questions, etc), and to help them embrace their gay child in the correct way. No matter what path a child takes, as parents, we are called to love our children – just as Christ loves all of us, despite the choices we make.

      In regards to God creating broken people, He doesn’t. We are broken because of sin. The more we live for the things of this world, the more broken we become; likewise, the more we live for God, the more He is able to restore us. Would love to talk more about this, if you would like. Feel free to email me anytime.

      • I just found this site and feel better that I’m not alone. My 14 yr old daughter told me about 9 months ago that she likes girls. Like most of the posts here, I was heartbroken, devastated and confused. Being a Christian, who hasn’t been to church regularly, or even had the closest relationship to Christ lately, I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk to. I finally decided to talk to a counselor. I had my first meeting yesterday. This woman talks bible, but as a psychiatrist says that people are born this way. As a Christian, I have a really hard time believing that. I’m confused. What’s the truth here? I know that I need to love and accept my daughter the way she is, and I am totally open to get help with that. I need more understanding of the whole thing. I don’t want to lose her and I don’t want her life to be any harder than life already can be. I want her to trust that she can come to me with things and I want to be able to help her.
        Please pray for us. Thank you.

  28. [The comment below has been edited in size with permission by the person commenting. What follows is an open perspective from a gay, Christian man and his journey. His views do not necessarily represent the views of this blog, however he does provide good insight into what your child may/may not be experiencing.]

    I read through the article and through all of the posts. I wish my parents had the internet but they resist technological change, LOL. Guess it scares them. I am a male adult 34 years old. I came out when I was 31. I grew up in a loving Christian home. My grandmother was my pastor until I was 31. She died one month after I turned 31 and the following weekend I came out to my wife.

    Yes you read that right. I was married for 11 years. Since I was 11 or 12 years old I new I liked men. But growing up ultra conservative and Pentecostal I was always taught that Gay people were going straight to hell. Gay’s couldn’t love God because gay people didn’t know what love was. Gay people were an abomination. So you can imagine the fear that tormented my mind for years. I have always had a close relationship with God and was first saved when I was 9 years old. I love God. I love to play music in church and sing for God’s glory. It still amazes me how wonderful He is, how good and merciful and mighty our God is. I have always believed that. Always. I used to lay in my bed at night and beg God to make me ill at the thought of another man. To take my burden away. Help me find peace, or to just take me home. I didn’t want to be different, I didn’t want to embarrass or disappoint my parents. When I was 18 my mother asked me why I never had a girlfriend very long. I answered “Haven’t found the right one”. She told me I better hurry because God didn’t intend on anyone, especially a man, to be alone and that it was my moral “Christian” duty according to God’s word to find a wife and have kids.

    I had heard on TV one time that the perfect cure for a gay man was a good woman, and so I searched. I was determined to find the right one and I was gonna stop this plaque of the devil. Somehow, a woman would fix it all for me. I can honestly tell you I loved my wife. But not as a mate or partner but I loved her as a friend. Our marriage was really, really rocky. Our intimate relationship was almost none existent, as you can guess it wasn’t easy for me to do anything, given my same sex attraction. Trust me, I tried everything. I tried to will my behavior to change. I cried, prayed, search the word of God. Heck, I was even baptized over 10 times in hopes that one time I would come out of the baptistry and be cured. Like Samantha above said, I too felt like I was broken. Why in the world would this happen. I wondered what I had done. I had loved God, attended church. Prayed, read the bible. I was faithful to my wife. I got married, what else did I need to do to be rid of my feelings. Around age 22 my wife began to pressure me for a child. It was hard and took over a year, but somehow by the grace of God we conceived a child. A beautiful baby girl. I knew that God was going to help me through my troubles, and for a while it seemed to work. I was cured, at least I thought. With a new baby in the house and I was working full time (sole source of income) and going to school full time, I had little time to sleep, let alone think about or have the energy for intimate moments. My wife didn’t care, she was happy to have a baby. Don’t get me wrong, so was I but lets just say after a few years all of my feelings I suppressed to get through all I had to do came surfacing back up. I began having vivid dreams about men, and thinking of them during intimate moments with my wife. I didn’t like it, but it was there. Again I was back to the crying and praying and wanting to just die. I was feeling a strong calling on my life to be in some kind of ministry and so I started helping out more at the church when I was 25. My grandmother loved it. Someone to carry on the family name in the church. She gave me an application to apply for the ministry. The first question was “Have you ever been found guilty of or perceived to have been active in a Homosexual lifestyle”. I was devastated. I never had been, but I had the feelings and I knew it. I couldn’t lie on the form, so I never filled it out. When I was 30 my best friend got sick with cancer and died. My wife at the time was very jealous of her and tried to keep me from spending time with her during the last few weeks of her life. It put a big rift between us, because I had abandoned all of my female friends (most of which knew I was gay, but never shared the inside with me until much later) to keep my wife happy as she had low self-esteem and didn’t trust me.

    Anyways, when my friend died I decided life was too short to be so unhappy. So I spent almost a year in God’s word. Praying and seeking his guidance. Asking God for direction. Praying for a healthier marriage, for peace from my gay affliction. Nothing got better. Then my grandmother passed away. Maybe it was her influence on my life that had me so scared, but when she passed it was like a weight was lifted and I knew what I had to do. When I told my wife, it of course was devastating. We both cried and held each other. Neither of us knew exactly what to do, so we decided to divorce. We both agreed that staying together for our daughter would be devastating to both of our self-esteems. Each of us could never move on, and would miss any opportunities for true happiness. I wasn’t convinced it would ever happen for me, but I felt she at least deserved the chance. We had a civil divorce and are actually close friends now. My daughter was 5 when we divorced and is now 9. We have been divorced for only 3 years. Trust me, as you read this you may hate me, but it will never be as much as I hated myself.

    [When my family found out, my sister] accused me of being a child molester, conceiving my child out of hate. Being an abomination. Which my oldest sister (10 years older than me) did the same. My mother wanted to know who I had been hanging around with that put these thoughts in my head. Truthfully, I didn’t know one single gay person besides myself. Never had a friend that was gay or worked with anyone that was or that was out. If any of them were, I didn’t know it.

    Needless to say, I was asked to never return to my church unless I was ready to be prayed for the devil to come out of me and renounce my sexuality. Trust me I wanted to. I had been praying for it since I was 12. Almost 20 years of the same prayer, nothing changed, I finally asked God why, and he literally spoke to my heart “because, you are my son, I made you and I love you.” It was at that moment I realized I was born a Gay man. A God fearing, God loving Gay man. Many don’t believe it is possible, my family included, but I can honestly say, I am still close to God. I pray daily, I attend church, I am involved with the Praise and Worship team. It’s not the church I grew up in, but I feel His presence there, a group of people that love God and love to serve Him. I love it and have never been happier.

    I have tried to talk to my parents and have written them letters. My mom said I am dead to her, but she still loves me if I come back to the church, but that I am always welcome at her house and so is my daughter, but she will never allow my partner to come on her property or step foot into her house. I have been pretty much ostracized by most of my family and they don’t talk to me and if they do it is to comment on how I have abandoned the family. Reading different books and articles I understand better what they are going through and I have tried to talk to them about it. I would like to know how they feel, but they won’t talk to me. My dad will tell me he loves me and misses me and actually met my partner at my daughters last birthday party. But there is still a part of me that seeks their approval. I am not sure if things will ever be ok between us. I pray about it daily. I know how most people believe regarding the Bible and homosexuality and it took me a lot of prayer, research and reading to finally understand. I don’t believe I am sinning by being gay, it is who God made me to be. I am in a loving committed monogamous relationship with a man I love and that loves me, and he loves God too. I ask God for the strength to forgive on a daily basis and for the reuniting of my family and me. I still love my family and I miss them dearly but I can’t be around people that want to make me feel bad for who I am. Who can’t love me unconditionally, trust me I have enough self-esteem issues without putting myself in the lions den every week.

    If I could get one thing across to my mom. It’s this. I am healthy, I am happy, I am loved. I am supported and taken care of. I am with a man that loves God and loves me dearly. He loves my daughter and helps me support her. Isn’t that enough for you to at least entertain the idea that he’s a good person, that I am still the same boy you loved and raised. Even if you can’t change me, leave it to God. The bible says he will bless whom he will bless and curse whom he will curse. Love me inspite of my flaws, and let God do what he does best. Mend our hearts, lift our spirits and save our souls. I think if she could ever hear me on those things she could maybe get some peace in her life.

    I pray I didn’t offend anyone by anything I wrote, it was not my intention. I hope for all the gay kids that will read this, I say be true to who you are, love yourself and know that God loves you. Never give up hope, life is too precious to waste it. And for parents of gay kids. Love them, love yourself, its not your fault. Love God. After all your children are a gift from God and every good and perfect gift comes from God.
    God bless you all, may you all find peace in every situation you encounter.

  29. Dear Donna,

    As a gay person I can tell you we are born this way. I was brought up in a loving Christian home and have loved God my whole life. I too struggled many years, even got married to a woman to break free of this hold I was sure satan had on me. But as I got older it was hard to imagine that I was devil possessed (as my family puts it) even as a 5 year old. I was awkward around boys and flocked to the girls, they were my soul mates, I understood them, and while I didn’t have a yearning for boys when I was little, I knew they scared me. Just like little girls do to heterosexual little boys. Make sense? If you have ever watched a little boy try to approach a girl his own age, its awkward because they are scare of rejection. That’s how I felt as a little boy. As I got older I just wanted to fit in, so I made myself be ok with having a girlfriend, although I never kept one very long. I didn’t come out until I was 31 and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. After all the books and reading the bible and feeling guilt and shame and praying to be delivered, I realized I was gay, I was the way God made me. People have different opinions about that, and that is ok. For a straight person who has never had to question how they feel about someone of the same sex, it makes no sense to them. As a gay person society teaches us Man and Woman is the only way, the right way. So how are we supposed to feel when we just want to be with someone of the same sex. It’s very hard. For years I thought I had no faith in God, that God had abandoned me. There were times I just wanted to die. Then a friend who I talked with a lot about God said “Tim, it’s ok to love yourself, it’s ok to be gay”, I had never told my friend that I had those feelings. It was a break through because I felt that God sent her to tell me it was ok. Many people will deny I know God, many people will claim I am something unspeakable, but I don’t care. I believe God knows my heart and that is all that matters. But after all I have been through and the many hurts I have endured, one this has always kept me going and that is God. I know he loves me and that he made me. A creature in his own image put on this earth to love, worship and praise Him only. A God loving gay man. I am proud of that now and hope that people will come to understand being gay is not something anyone would choose. It isn’t fun, especially at first. It’s actually rather scary. Fear of rejection, physical brutality, prejudice, etc. Trust me I did everything I could to not be gay. But we are all born for a reason. I hope mine is to help other Gay people find God. So many blame him for what others do in His name. But I know he is all knowing and all loving and never makes a mistake.

    I hope my comments did not offend you as that would never be my intention. You may or may not agree with what I said, but I do hope in some way it might help you understand how your daughter is feeling. God Bless.

    • I have just found out my son is gay a few days back.Yes I am struggling with all sorts of questions and shame, what did I do wrong.Worry for him.I love him no matter what and have told him I will support him.I have brought him up in the church.He loves God and told me he has been struggling with these feelings since he was 12 , but always felt different and it broke my heart when he said the confliction he was feeling was leading to suicidal thoughts.I actually asked him if he was.Mothers intuition. I knew he was going to maybe be that way inclined when he was little.There were many signs as he was growing up.Loved girls and very comfortable with them.no true crushes.He was their best friend.I have no doubt in my mind gay people are born that way.He cannot be attracted to woman the same way I cant be attracted to woman.I was born with my heterosexual nature.I didn’t choose how I felt when I had crushes on boys and daydreamed about boys.My son didn’t choose his sexuality either.it was just as normal to him as a young boy to to have these feelings way before be knew what being gay was.he tried to go out with girls coz he saw others do it.in fact had many little girlfriends.As much as I wish it would change ..I will accept it.The main reason I find it hard is because I want to protect him.it hits home when its your child.all the discrimination,rejection ,pain that gay people face that I was removed from is in my face now.I have to face my fears ,attitudes.Im forced to try to understand.I have no doubt in my mind this will make me more loving,forgiving and more sympathic to things I don’t quite understand .Its a gift really to practice what God preaches..unconditional love.People need to understand no one in their right mind would choose to be gay.look at what they are up against.would you want to be discriminated against,called dirty and your not worthy of love.God had rules yes..but he is a loving God and how dare anyone question Gods lo e and take it upon themselves to do his judgment.he certaintly doesn’t teach hatred.I get how a parent can freak out but if they walked in their Childs shoes ..pain ,confusion,loneliness,depression,denial of ones self because they don’t fit in the box..they would marvel at their beautiful kid who is the same person and they would feel compassion .I certainly wouldn’t want to go through that.Shame on anyone who rejects their children .educate yourself.Be like Jesus and love unconditionally .My kid doesn’t want to lead a promiscuous life and a seedy life which we may associate homosexuality with.He wants to live a normal life ..meet someone,have children just like you and I.I cry when I hear of the poor individuals that live,a lie.see what damage it does.they try to be ‘normal’ and then hurt others.to anyone that is gay.you are normal..your beautiful .God loves you.I pray you will be accepted as you should be.

  30. Our daughter told us she was gay in college, over 10 years ago. We continued to love her and pray. Now she’s getting legally married to another young woman (they are in their 30’s) and want us to be at their wedding. The pain continues. My husband feels we should go, and has told her this. I disagree, but will do as he decides. It would be easier if she did not profess to be a Christian, but she does, and speaks of God’s leading in her marriage, etc. I am heartbroken and don’t know what to do. Our church friends disapprove of her, and us for loving her. I am crying as I write this. I also have terminal cancer and had hoped God would use that somehow in her life. I know it is in His hands, but the walk is very hard.

    • Hey Barbara – thanks for responding. I agree with your husband, you should go to your daughter’s wedding. Showing up doesn’t mean that you’re now “pro-gay” but that you’re pro-your daughter. Homosexuality still rattles many churches, and many Christians still prefer to stay totally away from gays and lesbians, cause they’re the worst of sinners. But this isn’t the case. God loves them just as much as He loves anyone else – saved and unsaved. He died for all of mankind. Based on these two truths alone, we, being God’s ambassadors, should love others just the same.

      Praying for you all.

      • Barbara,
        First let me say that I am sorry to hear that you have cancer and my prayers are with you. I just wrote a (very very long and mispelled account due to sleeplessness) at the end of the page regarding all of my problems and trying to cope with my 20 year old son just coming out a month ago. I feel awful now reading that you are trying to cope with this and a major illness as well. I know it is difficult for you and I feel your pain, believe me. I have just found out about my son, who is 20, a month ago and now he is literally living with this 26 year old man in the man’s parents home. This weekend he told his sister that they are going to get a place together. I can’t digest it and he’s moving so fast. I know how hard it will be to go to your daughter’s wedding even with a husband to support you due to your religous convictions. I feel the same. But, Jesus works in mysterious ways and we cannot judge, only He can. So, struggling as I am right now and not being able to even get my son to talk to me, I can only say, be thankful at least that your daughter wants you in her life and she still considers herself to be a Christian. That, in and of itself, speaks volumes that she has not abandoned the relious beliefs you have instilled in her. Be pround of that. You did your part and you have and are still doing your best. It is up to God now. I pray all the time for guidance and support to help me make it through each day and night. That’s all we can do. Just keep praying and supporting and loving her. God bless you.

    • Hi Barbara,

      I just want to encourage you not to feel guilty about not wanting to go to your daughter’s wedding. There is enough pain without adding that to your shoulders. Some people tell me one way and others another but when it comes to a decision, I can only do what I think God is directing me to do. (I would probably cry throughout the ceremony so it would be better for me not to go.) It would be difficult to explain to my daughter why I couldn’t go, but I would try to communicate my love for her and maybe explain how difficult it would be to go to a celebration of something I think is morally wrong. If any of my children are doing something I think is morally wrong, I can’t stand by and watch or pretend to celebrate.

      I do understand that every situation is different and God’s requirement of us may vary.

  31. Barbara,
    I am terribly sorry for all you are going through. Our son “came out” in September 2011 when he moved to college. He told us this past weekend that he has started dating someone. It is such a difficult thing as parents to watch your children walk this path. I certainly wish there was a “here is what you say and do” guide out there for us…many times we just don’t know what to say! I guess I agree with your husband; I am sure your daughter knows that you do not approve of her marriage but it is important to show her that you love her no matter what (after all God loves us no matter what!). I will be praying for you.

  32. Barbara, my heart goes out to you. But she is your daughter and it does not matter what the others think. Praise God that she is still professing to be Christian….God loves all of us. Cherrish the time you still have with her….hug her….take her for coffee…..have a picnic in the park =) My daughter has recently told us that she has a partner and my husband and I are still struggling with her decisions. She has told us that she no longer believes in God and it has become more of a struggle than her news of having a partner.

  33. My daughter just came to me and told me she has a bi-sexual boyfriend but she is OK with it bc she is gay too! My question is if my child came to me and said she was dealing with drug addiction then I would try my best to keep her with family and close friends and she would not have many priveledges. What do you do about restricting her activities? We are Christians and she is dealing with depression too.

    She is also 13 and has recently had suicidal thoughts. I feel like she is trying to “fit in”. She is not very athletic and she tried Choir and didn’t fit in. So now she colored her hair, wears a little different clothes and moved in with her dad who hasn’t been in the picture for 6 years, and she had to try that for a month (and she found that didn’t work). I feel, or maybe hope, this is just a trial period trying to find herself.

  34. To all the people who have typed their heart out. Thank you! My daughter has a “girlfriend”. We do NOT approve of this. We know God created her to serve Him. I have cried many times and have a broken heart. I know God’s plan is to serve Him. I hope when she walks back to/with God, she will have a renewing that will help herself and others. As far as my husband and I, we will be used by God to help others too. I just wish my daughter would turn towards God for whatever she needs. We have been good parents. I know its not our faught. I pray this “girlfriend” and my daughter will use this situation to help others to turn towards God .

  35. Our daughter, who is 26 years old, just told us back in November of 2011 that she is gay. She has previously dated men and even had a four year relationship with one of them. When we received this news, via e-mail we were shocked, but NEVER, NEVER did either my husband or myself say we no longer love her. I love my daughter to pieces and we made sure we responded swiftly to her e-mail so she could rest assured that we still love her dearly. My worries do not lie with that fact that she is gay as it breaks my heart that she has left the Lord. She now professes that she is an atheist and it hurts so badly. She was brought up in the church, attended many mission trip, etc., etc. She went to college and her views on God have never been the same. I am a meek Mom and I am not good at all about professing my faith to my daughter. She is brilliant is her studies, currently a 3rd year Phd student, and I never feel like I have the right words to share my faith with her. I just want her to know that God loves her no matter what and I pray with all I have that because she is now gay that she doesn’t feel she can never have a relationship with God because of what society says about religion and gays. Is there a book you could recommend regarding this matter. Maybe if I could read a book I would be more prepared to share the words with my daughter whom I love dearly. Thank you for any advise you can give me. I appreciate it.

    • Thanks for responding Beckie. What your daughter is going through is common among most gays and lesbians. For many, they “left” God not because they wanted to but because the Church pushed them away. This is where Christians need to step-up and be the Church that Christ has called us to be.

      Keep loving and praying for your daughter, Beckie.

      As for resources, check out Joe Dallas’ book, “When Homosexuality Hits Home”, and the site/work of Christopher Yuan (http://www.christopheryuan.com/).

  36. I recently found out that my 18 year old son is gay and in a new relationship with a 24 year old man. I was not shocked by the news primarily because I had accidentally seen a text last summer sent to him by another boy. There was nothing overtly sexual about the text but something just didn’t seem right. Maybe I should have confronted him at the time, but I didn’t because he continued to spend most of his time with a girl he’s known since elementary school and briefly dated in high school. My husband and I thought they were a couple since they went most places together, etc.
    On Mother’s Day, he was having a problem with his phone and handed it to me to check something. When he did, I briefly saw a photo on the home screen and asked, “Who is that?” He grabbed the phone back and said, “I’m not ready to talk about that yet.” I knew what I’d seen (or was 99% sure) – a close-up photo of him and another young man, both shirtless. Within 15 minutes he said he was going on but I stopped him, took him into my room and asked him to tell me what I’d seen. I held his hand and told him there was nothing he could tell me that would ever change my love for him. It took a little time, but he told me. There were no tears (at that time), no anger or even shock…just a calm and quiet discussion. Truthfully, in a way it was almost a relief to hear his confession. He has been troubled for so many years and I never really understood why. Everything finally sort of fell into place. I hugged him and thanked him for telling me, told him that it would be his decision when/how to tell other people in his life but asked for permission to tell my husband (his stepfather for 9 years). He agreed to this and knows that his stepdad feels the same way I do – we are Christians and do not approve of his choice, but our love for him hasn’t changed.
    Since that initial discussion, we’ve talked briefly about things like using protection, being truthful when he is with this new friend (rather than saying he is elsewhere), etc. And since that discussion, I’m continuing to go through stages of sadness and even denial.
    On the surface nothing in our household has changed but, of course, everything is different. I’m not sure how to proceed from here. I don’t know how much to talk about the relationship he’s in – do I treat it as if he was dating a girl? There seems to be such a fine line between showing love for him and encouraging a relationship I don’t approve of. For instance, Memorial Day weekend is coming up, do I ask him if he and T. have plans? I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around my own son.
    I’m not sure if this is making any sense but it feels good to at least “talk” about it. If anyone has any advice, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m so grateful to have found this ministry and thank you so much for the comfort, wisdom and truth you provide.

    • Hey Allison – these are the questions this article leaves out. I’m working on an updated FAQ, taken from the comments on this post, to talk about things like dating, boundaries, other family members, etc.

      This type of situation is tricky. You don’t want to alienate your son, but you don’t want to allow him to do something you know to be harmful. Still, he is his own man – an adult – and no matter how much you and your husband disapprove of his choices, he’s going to date this man – or others – with or without your permission. In this understanding, then, how do you provide a safe place for your son to be, where his friends and him experience the love of Christ, and yet respect your wishes and boundaries.

      It would be good to sit your son down and explain the “rules” of dating relationships – what you will and will not allow in your house. Express to him that these rules are based on moral standards, not against him being gay. Do they sleep in the same bedroom? Are they allowed to show affection with each other – kiss, hold hands, hug, etc? What are the boundaries you would place – keep in mind, would these same boundaries be set if he was dating a girl? They have to be fair boundaries, ones that respect him and your household, but they also need to be enforced boundaries.

      I think inviting your son’s boyfriend over for dinner isn’t a bad idea. In my experience, the more open you and your husband are about your son’s life, the more open he’ll be in communicating with you what’s going on in his life.

      • Thanks you for this website. My situation is a little different. As in the above comments, My daughter, who is 22, did not come out to me. I asked her about her relationship. I just found out last week so I am still trying to digest all this.
        It started about a year ago. she had broken up with her boyfriend of about 4 yrs. She started hanging out with some girls from her work that were gay. I had some concerns at that time and talked to her about them. She assured me that they were just friends and that she was not gay. She then preceded to tell me that she didn’t believe that people are born gay that they choose that life style but that these girls were fun and she liked them. OK, can you see my confusion here?
        She moved out of our home about 6 months ago, took me off her facebook page, and didn’t call me or come over very much so I was getting suspicious. She talked a lot about this one girl that is 26. They always seem to be together and I was just getting little signs here and there. My daughter came over for Thanksgiving and we were just talking and the subject came up, so I asked Her. She didn’t say anything, just turned red. I told her she didn’t have to say anymore. She says she doesn’t know if she is gay, she doesn’t know why she feels the way she does, that she has never felt like this with anyone before. I asked her if they were a couple and she said yes. That was pretty much all that was said about it. I called her a few days later and told her that we needed to talk about this and she said she is not ready yet and that she is not sure about being gay. I told her to call me when she is ready. She is not a strong person, and is easily a follower. Her partner is 26 and has been gay all her life.
        I would like any input I can get from both Christian and Gay people on this, my feelings. Is this just a phase–Or is it just hope–or wishful thinking–and what do I do now, if anything?
        I feel like she is seeking out someone to share her life with, the acceptance from a pear, the caring, love and concern of someone other than her parents. That she just happened into these circumstances and now is struggling with her beliefs and who she is. I also feel that her partner, being older and more experienced in this lifestyle has found her insecurities and has taken advantage of them. We all know that no one knows how a women feels or what a women wants better than another women. That is why women and men communicate on such different levels. Is she mistaken a normal woman’s friendship with something sexual?? Since she is not sure, what should I do or say to help her? I love her and want the best for her. I feel like I should be talking to her more but if she isn’t ready the only thing I can do for her is pray!

      • Hey Janet

        THanks for sharing. I agree with your conclusion:

        I feel like she is seeking out someone to share her life with, the acceptance from a pear, the caring, love and concern of someone other than her parents. That she just happened into these circumstances and now is struggling with her beliefs and who she is. I also feel that her partner, being older and more experienced in this lifestyle has found her insecurities and has taken advantage of them.

        From what you’ve stated, I too do not believe your daughter is gay, but that she “thinks” she is gay based on the situation she is in. However, I would still trend lightly in discussing this with her. Coming on too strong might further push her away. I suggest helping her see / realize that the situation she is in is not healthy. Are you able to talk with her alone much? What reasons does she give for staying with her friend? What does she think will happen if she leaves? What does she still think of guys? Did her 4yr relationship with her boyfriend have anything to do with her current situation?

        I would be glad to further talk with you via here or email.

  37. Dear Endofthestory,
    I was wondering if you would like to be e-mail prayer partners regarding our situations with our children? Beckie
    my e-mail is brown1686@att.net
    PS and we can share our thoughts and feelings. This is all new for me too.

  38. Shawn,
    Thank you for your book suggestion. I just ordered it via Amazon. And just yesterday I happened upon a interview with Christopher Yuan. He does have an amazing story . Although Im still not sure what his christian views are on being gay?? He will not come out and say if he is still gay or not. He just says that he cannot help the feelings he has and that it is what you do with your feelings that matter to God. So is he saying you cannot be gay and a christian or is he saying the opposite? I know God loves all people and all sin is equal, but can a person be gay and be a follower of Christ? Thank you in advance for your input on this matter.

  39. Hey Beckie – I love the idea of being email prayer partners. Thank you so much for the offer. I’ll send an email later tonight or possibly tomorrow morning (my name is Allison – so you’ll recognize it when you receive the email). Thank you again.

  40. I have come across this web site and do I need comforting, Oct of 2011, I found out my granddaughter age 14 at the time was trans-gender and I’m having a hard time dealing with this I misspoken a few times and have gotten myself in the dog house with my daughter, I know I did wrong and feel absolutely terrible , I take full responsibility for that but i also feel my daughter has never spoken to me or my husband about this except to put in writing if you want a relationship with us you better not say anything hurtful and than the next time we are okay for a while than all if a sudden were out in public and my granddaughter takes off her hat and she has shaved her head except for a long strip in the middle what a shock I wish my daughter would have said something to warn me because my reaction was spoken with haste, and latter my daughter called me and just wracked me over the coals, I probably deserved it but am really feeling sad and confused, my husband ministered to me and comforted me, and helped me to see the error of my ways just to gently rest in the arms of Jesus I can’t change the circumstances so I have to leave it to Jesus, must close now can’t see the keys through my tears Lucy

  41. Help me I just found out by accident that my son has gay attractions to another young man! I can’t stop crying,I feel like I messed my son up, I raised him bad, I must have screwed him up by not allowing his dad to force him to do all the hard yard work and manly stuff! I had been hurt by men before and maybe made him not trust in his dad! What do I do? Do I confront the issue,or just wait for him to tell us! I feel like I’m gonna die!

  42. Ooh my! Seems to me you forgot that WHATEVER happens to God’s children, He has sifted through, to make sure that it is for our eternal good, and that we can handle it. Of-course there will be times when you may cry out to Him: Please stop trusting me so much! You got me all wrong. I’m not that strong!. Well you know what, you don’t need to be strong at all. But He is strong and hasn’t He PROMISED to NEVER leave or forsake you? Don’t “strangers, but in the family of God, care and will pray, offer encouragement….maybe because they have been there….know what it’s like first hand for this same burden AND MORE?” I care.etc. after many years, my son is FREE! It was HIS journey the our entire family supported. God answers prayer. So please, CALM down in spirit and body. DON”T confront, but talk, cry, hug, etc. Let us know how it goes. God has a plan. Just you stay in His will. Love, jk

  43. I am new to computers I can’t believe when I wrote this I used my real full name any way I can undo this from Lucy to lou? Thanks

  44. Still just wondering if anyone has any suggestions or advice re: talking to my son about his current relationship. I don’t approve of the relationship and yet to ignore it seems ridiculous since it does, in fact, exist. Am I sending mixed messages if i talk to him casually, i.e. asking if he and T. have plans for the weekend, etc.?

  45. Endofthestory:
    In September 2011 our son told us he is gay. I completely understand your initial posting. We, too, live in a house where “on the surface” nothing has changed, but truly everything has changed. I have struggled w/what to say to our son. A couple of months ago I posted basically the same question on this site; should we talk to our son about his relationships or just wait for him to talk w/us. At this point, I have just decided to let him share what he wants to share and not push him for information. Trust me, this is a very hard thing for me to do. I have prayed constantly for God to direct every word that comes from my mouth when my son tells us things. MANY times I have just had to keep quiet – sometimes I just really don’t know what to say. I guess my best advice is: pray! If you sense that God is leading you to remain silent about your son’s relationship, remain silent. If not, talk with your son. I am praying for you (and for many others who have posted on this site). Please pray for our family, too.

      • Thank you for your comment, Lucille. Since I wrote last time, I’ve spent a great deal of time in prayer and believe the Lord gave me the answer to my question about talking to my son. I’ve always been of the mindset that homosexuality is a sexual sin in the same way that any sex outside of marriage is a sexual sin. I’m not sure why so many in the church seem to put it into a category all of its own, but I suppose that’s a different discussion for some other day. Anyway, my two older sons have at one time or another (one currently) lived with their girlfriends. They know I don’t approve, but they are adults and it is their decision. I’ve never for a minute hesitated to reach out to their girlfriends (birthday cards, Christmas gifts, etc.) and they’ve always been welcome in our home. If I believe what I say I believe, then how could I do any less for my son’s boyfriend? Granted, it will be his decision whether or not he wants to bring this young man into our lives…but if he decides to, we will welcome him. In the meantime, I’ve been able to casually ask the kinds of questions I would if my son was dating a girl and it hasn’t been as awkward as I might have thought. I’m taking it a day at a time…because really, what else can any of us do? Thank you all for the prayers and support. -Allison

  46. Shawn,
    I placed a long comment (and follow up) last week regarding my 20 year old son coming out a month ago and it stated it was under review. Now I see other comments on here since mine was posted. Can you tell my why mine are not showing up? I am in need of support and thought that this was for “Christian” parents with gay children to help them cope. Why have you not posted my comments? Also I wrote responses to a couple other parents comments as well. What is going on? You can’t be biased about which comments you choose to post, can you? Mine was perfectly legitimate, in no way offensive to anyone else, and in keeping withy your other posting format. Could you please help me understand why you have chosen not to post my comments when I am in deperate need of support just as everyone else is who has joined this forum?
    Thank you,

    • Hi Sharon,
      I’ve been trying to get ahold of you about your comments – via email. I wanted to see if I could edit down your long comment – for the sake of space. I haven’t heard back from you at all so I haven’t done anything yet. I did approve your other comments however.

      The only comments I delete are spam and ones that are posted in order to cause fights. This blog is open to both sides of opinions, but is not a means to bash one another. Your comments were not offensive at all. I try to keep comments fairly short so it’s easier for people to read. Hope to talk with you soon.

      [Email message sent]

      • Yes, you may edit. I have checked spam, etc. on my computer but haven’t seen any messages. My email is siw72756@gmail.com There have been some problems this past week with gmail and facebook. Blessings. Sharon

  47. Wow. I am so glad I found this forum.
    Here’s my story. My first experience was at a very young age and it was with a girl. All my life I’ve struggled with ssa, but have never acted upon it. I have been married for 22+ years and have never thought of acting upon my ssa. I have fantasized about it, yes, but the thought of bringing it to life has never crossed my mind. I have NEVER told anyone of this, too shamed to do but I am speaking of it now because I am dealing with my own child’s ssa.
    I will refer to my daughter as “M”.
    I, too, struggle with our daughter’s decision to “come out”. From a very young age, I have suspected she was different. I can remember a friend of mine and her daughter coming to my house and when the child looked at a pix of “M” she asked me what “his” name is. In this particular pic, “M” still had long hair and was dressed very girlie but this young child was convinced “M” was a boy! She now wears her hair short and dresses not very feminine. A few days ago, we had a conversation and she told me she has never felt like a girl. She told me she hates her body and all the feminine parts in it. Her attitude is anger. She is now in counseling because prior to all this, she told someone she thought about committing suicide. Recently she told me the thought crossed her mind when she broke up from a same sex relationship and her anxiety is overwhelming cause she thought we would kick her out of the house and stop loving her.
    I am shamed. I am angry. I am embarrassed. I feel defeated. I feel betrayed. I can’t trust her .The thought of “M” being in a same sex relationship is actually repulsive. I have told her all her life, and now more than ever, that we will always, always love her no matter what but I can not accept her lifestyle decision.
    Like many in this forum, I am surrounded by friends but feel like I don’t have anyone I can talk to. What a horrible feeling this is.
    Thanks for reading this far. I know you too have your own burdens.

    • I just read your post – 3 years later! – and I would like to email you if you are interested as I feel like you wrote MY story!

  48. Hello Saddened,
    I know that you are really hurting and I want you to know that you are not alone. Although I have no one to talk to about our son’s “coming out”, I feel like this forum gives us a voice where we can pour our hearts out to others who understand some of the things we are thinking and feeling. I have been “dealing” with our son’s announcement that he is gay for nine months now and I can tell you that it has gotten a little easier. I remember when I first found this website I was crying uncontrollably because I felt so alone. This website has been the only place I can “talk” about what is going on in the life of our family. It helps!
    i will certainly pray for you and for your daughter.

  49. Hello my name is Daniel I just came out to my family and I feel like I’m being judge so much. I am a happy person I don’t judge anyone in anyway. To me if I love god he will love me going thru so much stress and a lil depression. The only people I got is my partner and friends. I can’t go see them fce to face cause I don’t want this to be a fight I need advice on how to go thru all this. I feel like in begin pushed away

    • Hello Daniel, coming out to your family will probably be one of the most traumatic periods in your life. I say this as the father of a gay son. When my son came out at the age of 15, I saw so much emotional turmoil, fear, guilt, and shame in him that my heart just broke. I could not believe he was suffering so much. As a straight person I never felt your grief but I can empathize with you after seeing what my son went through. Give your family some time to digest what you have told them. You might want to send one of them a card on a birthday, special occasion, holiday, or whatever just to keep a line of communication open, let them know that you love them in your card. In time things might start to change. I can’t guarantee things will change but without communication, even if it is one sided, there is little hope for change. In the mean time, lean on your partner and friends, they understand what you are going through, do not live alone in your head. Find websites like this one and keep talking. God loves you and so do I.
      Hang in there>>>>>>Ray

  50. Pingback: Listen To Him: A Note For Parents « Same-Sex Attractions·

  51. As a divorced father of a gay son I am glad to see others share unconditional love for their children. My ex has no love for our son and I am often placed in a dual parenting role. My son told me he was Gay when he was 15 years old and it was a lot more difficult for him then it was for me. Kids are going through tremendous emotional trauma at this point in their lives and need your support, they have no where else to go and they have most likely experienced rejection and humiliation at school, they feel isolated and alone.
    I am now a 10 year veteran and unconditional love is the key to maintaining a good relationship with your child. Your son or daughter need your love and understanding, not judgement. If you voice to your child that you are worried about what other people think, you are not helping to build a relationship with them. Children need their parents approval as a human being, not necessarily their life style. If you have trouble dealing with your child’s sexuality, get help for yourself, don’t burden them with your emotional problems, they most likely have enough of their own. Well that is my thoughts on the issue. One last thought:

    If you hunt the resources on this website you will find the Trevor Project but I would like to get their Lifeline number out front and make it more available to the children and parents as well. It is important to maintain a dialogue with your child and if they or one of their friends seem depressed or otherwise out of sorts you might save a life by making this number available to them.

    THE TREVOR LIFELINE – 866.488.7386
    The Trevor Lifeline is the only nationwide, around-the-clock suicide prevention and crisis intervention lifeline for LGBTQ youth. The Trevor Lifeline is a free and confidential service that offers hope and someone to talk to, 24/7. Volunteer Lifeline counselors staff our three call centers, The Randy Stone Call Center East Coast, The Randy Stone Call Center West Coast and The Harvey Milk Call Center. Each year, tens of thousands of calls are fielded from young people across the country. The Trevor Lifeline is accredited as an exemplary crisis intervention program by the American Association for Suicidology (AAS).

    Love your children.


  52. I have been walking this for 1 and a half years. At first it was extremely painful, particularly as it all became obvious when my lovely daughter was self harming.
    As I read your article today I found that it was everything I have felt God has been teaching me. This experience has changed our family – probably for good. It has made us question what was never questioned and that is a good thing.
    It has made us become stronger in our faith and what really matters, rather than what people think of us.
    And above all else I love my courageous and beautiful daughter more than ever

  53. My husband and I are divorced. He is angry, bitter and unstable (walked away from the Lord). My son is 17, getting ready to leave for college, and came out last year. We are both dealing with his coming out, and I can’t find any support from my church. Family finally found out. Should I tell my ex or wait til my son tells him, which will probably be far in the future?

    • Thanks for commenting Juliet. While it is important for his father to know, your son should really be the one to tell his father that he is gay. I would also go with him when you tell your ex-husband. Your son should be at a point where he is able/wanting to tell his dad, not forced. How does/has your family handle your son? How are you? Have you talked with your pastor about this?

      I would love to hear what other people have to say about this situation, too.

  54. Shawn,
    I agree with you that it is important for Juliet’s son to tell his father. Although he is not legally an adult (age 17) he is still old enough to make the decision on if/when to tell his father. I am not sure that Juliet should be w/her son when he tellls his father. She will have to decide (based on their relationship) whether it would be helpful or harmful. My husband and I have not told anyone that our son is gay. My husband firmly believes that it is up to our son (who is 19) to tell who he wants to tell. I think this forum is so important for us parents b/c MANY of us have nowhere else to express our thoughts/feelings. That is certainly the case for me. Thank you for all you do!

    • Thanks for commenting, Joey. I’m sure you are a good person. But being good doesn’t mean that you are never wrong in how you live. You’re statement is flawed because it assumes that you’re measure of good is better than God’s measure of good. People that believe in and follow God, are called to follow Him and not ourselves.

      What do you think?

  55. My 17 year old came out to us this weekend. I kinda knew so I I do not know why I am so shocked!

    My husband does not want to talk about it and I feel like there has been a death in the family. My son is awesome and we have always been close. I was (somewhat) prepared for this (I thought) and we assured him of our love and support. Having read this forum (before he told us) really prepared me for the day. He seems happier overnight and I suppose relieved. I was already struggling with letting him go in terms of College and now this…..

    We are very active in our Church and our son says he is not sure what he believes and does not want to go to Church with us anymore. This makes me as sad as everything else. I just want to curl up in my room and cry and never come out. It is like a nightmare. I feel so shallow worrying about what our friends will say and think. My son has already told his friends and the kids today are so supportive – thank God.

    I know that God loves us unconditionally and He will reach my son in His own time. God brought me back to Himself many years ago…so, I continue to pray. I just feel so lost and alone. I am embarrassed to see the parents at school in the fall as he attends a parochial school. I know I should not care what people think but I do – I love my son so much and I look forward to the day when I can fully accept this…but for now…I grieve.

      • Thanks for your prayers Shawn…I am so happy you are out there to help us along.

        I think my husband was initially just angry and shocked. He may feel like we did something wrong or maybe he feels emasculated somehow. He is a loving father and a wonderful husband. Last night, I told him about your web site and he said he would read through it this weekend. I told him that we need to educate ourselves and try to understand. We are just a bit at a loss….

      • This all to new for me and I have not handled my reaction well. I will be looking for some support groups in my area. Any suggestion on how to explain in a loving way that I’m not going to your wedding?

  56. Joanne,

    I am sorry for all you are going through. You are not alone. I think many parents (myself included) feel some of the very same things you are feeling. I, too, have a husband who “doesn’t want to talk about it.” It is perfectly acceptable to grieve.

    Our son told us 10 months ago that he is gay and I still grieve.He has also walked away from the church – which makes this whole situation so much more painful. I seriously had NO CLUE that our son was struggling with this. I swear it was like 1 minute he was the kid we knew and loved and the next second a switch was flipped and he was this other person who I didn’t even know.I feel like my heart has been shattered and it will never be whole again.

    I will pray for you and your family as you wade through these deep waters. God bless you!

  57. Thanks Lucy – This is so hard but it helps to know that I am not alone. (Not that I wish this pain on anyone esle). My heart, like yours, is shattered.

    After reading Shawn’s testimony last evening…I know there is some hope…. I do not want to push Jesus on my son but I feel like I would be remiss if I do not have the “slippery slope” chat with him. I am sure he is looking at pornography on line and who knows what else. He is being encouraged by other gay men on web sites…..One thing leads to another….

    I know he believes in God and he thinks that everything is OK and that God will love him no matter what. I firmly believe that God loves him no matter what!
    But, to truly walk with Jesus and have a relationship with Him…..I do not believe this life style he is choosing is compatible with God’s will. It is a heavy cross to bear but as Shawn demonstrates it can be done.

    I do not want to throw a guilt trip on him, but I feel as his Mother and a Christian that I need to talk with him about the moral decay without sounding too preachy. He needs to guard his soul. I think he is too young to really listen but I need to try…..perhaps someday it will bear fruit. Do you talk with your son about this at all – or about his life style in general? Any advice?

    Thanks for the prayers…God sure knows how to keep us on our knees. I will pray for you too.

    • I’m glad you feel encouraged, Joanne. One caution that I would give, however, is to not force your expectations upon your son. What I mean is that your son may never get married – like me – and he might. He may always struggle with same-sex attractions – like I still do at times – and he might not. My story is not the pinnacle to achieve – looking like Jesus, falling in total surrender and love to Jesus, is the pinnacle.

      When you have this conversation with your son, keep this in focus. Your son having same-sex attractions isn’t necessarily bad … they’re just attractions, and like temptations, they come and go each day. Your son going further – not thinking that acting upon his attractions is sinful – does raise concern. I would continue to educate yourself about the Bible passages and arguments, to help your son (and you) process through correctly and biblically why homosexuality is not God’s design.

      There are some great resources on the blog (books and materials) to help you through this process – https://six11.wordpress.com/about-resources/https://six11.wordpress.com/about-resources/book-shelf/

  58. Thanks Shawn – yes, I understand that while your story offers hope, Jesus is who we strive to emulate. This is what I want to convey, with love, to my son.

    With your testimony, I was encouraged to see that people can change….I do not see many stories like yours but then my journey here has just begun. I have several gay friends (my sister is gay and we are close) and one of my dearest friends died from AIDS in the 80’s….it broke my heart. But, I never really saw any of them try or want to change. So, most of me does not expect my son to change or follow God’s will….this is what throws me into despair.

    I don’t think that my son thinks his actions are (or will be) sinful. It’s the old argument that if God made me this way…then it must be OK to act on it. And, God loves everyone – right? And his friends are “happy for him” so he has peer acceptance. I will continue to educate myself, as you suggest, and hopefully be able to discuss Scripture with him while not pushing him away from God….

    It is easy to hear what we only want to hear. I used to be there myself….the Truth can be very hard to accept especially when we wish to walk a different way. I did not hear God’s voice until I hit rock bottom….many years ago. I am trying to stay positive but honestly I am so depressed….maybe I should wait awhile to speak with him when I can keep it together.

    Thanks again for listening….

  59. Hi Joanne,

    First, thanks for praying for me and our son. The journey can make me weary at times. In answer to your questions, we haven’t really discussed our son’s lifestyle a whole lot. We have let him take the lead on what he decides to tell us and then when he does open up, we prayerfully answer. Many times I have wanted to shout, “You’ve got to be kidding me,” or “I can’t take this anymore,” but so far, w/God’s grace, I have held my tongue. Trust me, this is very difficult to do. We, too, struggle greatly with what to say and what not to say. Just ask the Lord to lead you in your discussions with your son. I have been reminded to pray scripture over my son and to ask the Lord to gain glorry from all that we are going through. Please feel free to email me if you’d like to “discuss” anything further. Shawn has my permission to share it with you 🙂 I don’t really have any great words of wisdom but I can at least listen and empathize…

  60. Thanks Lucy – you have already been helpful. This web site has been a blessing.
    It would be nice to be able to connect via e-mail – I suppose that Shawn can send me your e-mail or send you mine?

  61. A little over a week ago my son told my wife and I that he is gay. Our hearts were broken, I can not put into words how I really felt. We have prayed and thanked God for him ever since he came into the world. He is our only son. We have tried to read everything we can on how to cope with this situation. Just liked a lot of the posts I’ve read on this site, we thought we did everything the best we could. My son was raised in church, played the piano many times in church. I can’t understand where we failed. We don’t have anyone that we can talk to about what we ( as a family ) are going through. We are attending a new church now and I don’t feel like I could talk to anyone there yet about it. Is there a support group that we may be able to meet with and share what we are going through. Reading the posts on here has shown us that many people are going through the same thing. The articles that we’ve read has helped a lot. My wife said that if we think that he will never change and leave this life style, then our faith in God is very small. We know that God can work out all of our problems. Please pray for us not to lose faith and that somehow God will be glorified through our situation. Jerry

    • @ Jerry–Please hold on. I PROMISE it will get better. The first couple of weeks my husband and I kept finding ourselves in different areas of the house crying. My advice would be not to just remain stagnate in that emotional place–try to read some scientific researches done in this area. Talk to some gay people. I PROMISE you it will help to hear their stories. I was taught all of my life that gay people are evil deviants. The more I open myself up to the LOVE of God the more peaceful I feel. I am in courtrooms frequently and was just thinking about how important “the closing arguments” are to a court case. I remembered the disciples gathering around Jesus and asking him, which commandment was the most important, and he replied to love God above all else and to LOVE your neighbor as yourself. I think that is our responsibility as parents–to LOVE our everybody as much as ourselves. Please don’t allow “the world” or sometimes, yes, I hate to say it, but “the church” (we are all sinners saved by grace) dictate what your response should be. Your son needs to experience your love right now more than anything else in this world. Love him to pieces and I promise you all of this will be better soon. Praying for your entire family.

  62. Hi Shawn,
    If possible, please share my email address privately w/Joanne (if this isn’t against the policy/rules of six11 ministries.) Thanks!

  63. I have a 14 year old that says she wants to be with a girl. She says she is not gay. There is a long long story that I don’t want to share right now. I can not allow them to be together. Just like I would not put my child in a situation knowing they would be tempted to do drugs, drink, or have sex. I do not want my child to hate me but I can’t allow her to be with this person.

  64. Hi…I’d like to find out more information or if there are any resources that I can help start a bible study or group in reference to this topic. I found out my daughter was gay at 16. She’s 21 now and it has taken me a few years to come to grips with this. Both her and her partner are Christian and have been raised in Christian homes. How do I reach out to help other parents that are coping with this and possibly not make the mistakes that I made when I first found out. I’ve tried talking to other people about this and I’ve gotten both negative and positive feedback and I prayed about it and found this website. I love my Lord, read the word and love my church, but I love my daughter with all my heart and soul and I would like to help parents understand that even though we have our beliefs, we need to love our children and support them. Please help.

    • Hi Maria – thanks for sharing. I actually have a book coming out that has questions and material for parents to work through – along with youth workers. Keep watch for a release date. Until then I would suggest gathering with other parents of gay kids and just talk through things. If nothing else, pray with each other and provide support – which both are vital.

  65. Shawn – do you (or anyone else) have any feedback on PFLAG? Some forums suggest to attend these meetings….I am still in a funk and not sure if I can even attend a meeting like this yet but was not sure if anyone has any input?

  66. Joanne, I’m glad you asked the question about PFLAG. I’ve been wondering about it as well. I’ve gone to their website and FB page over and over…and still feel confused about whether I “belong” there. Which is kind of ironic, considering how ostracized my son must feel in so many places.

    • Hi Ladies

      I don’t know much about PFLAG today, I was apart of a group in high school. From what I remember they are a place of support for gays and lesbains, and their family, friends.

      Also from what I remember, they do not believe in the tradtional views of scripture in regards to homosexuality. People are born gay, God accepts them as they are, and there is no chance of anything changing.

      We need more parent support, we just have to be mindful.

  67. Thank you, Shawn. Everything I’ve read seems to support that their views are the same as what you remember. Which leads me to ask, although it’s almost a rhetorical question I’m afraid, whether there exists any comparable group that has a Biblical view regarding homosexuality. It seems to me that the few [family/friends] support groups that exist offer polarizing views and that is beyond frustrating. Sadly, I don’t see support coming from the church. Perhaps it’s time to consider forming a support group myself.

    • I wonder how many people would want to start an online group via Google+ Hangouts or Skype? Maybe we could do a group “conference call”. Thoughts?

      • I would be open to this….it would help to connect with others who understand the confusion and pain…

      • Hi Shawn, I was just wondering if you ever starting the online group. If you did, can you please share how to join and when you get together?

      • Hi J – I haven’t yet. If you would like to talk via phone, though, feel free to give me a call. Some moms on here have started an email group; if you are interested send me an email. Thanks.

  68. I certainly agree with Shawn that we need more support out there for Christian parents of gay and lesbian children. I have no support at all and it makes the road I am traveling on very very lonely. I look forward to hearing more about your upcoming book, Shawn. May God continue to bless this ministry – for many of us this is only place we can find help.

    • I’m 16 and I live with a parent that calles me names ….I often cry because Im looking for that love from my mom ….my family accepts me but my mom don’t …I can’t even date anyone without hearing her talk about me…it is really putting a ton of stress on me …can someone please help me with this issue and how to respond or talk to her so she can accept me do I won’t put so much stress on myself .? Also since I told my mom 3 years ago my grades have been dropping …I really think that her wanting me to be Stright is putting a downward spin on my grades .ps. I’m in the 11th grade ..please respond ASAP anybody .

  69. We found out our son is gay last Nov 2011. He was 26 yrs old and we wondered about it for yrs and are so ashamed we didn’t give him more of a place of love and GRACE to share with us all that he had experienced in the last 10 yrs. For me, it has been more of a time of searching for answers than ever before. As I search I begin to realize that not EVERYTHING we heard from those foaming at the mouth pastors of the 80’s and 90’s is TRUTH. What I have come to know is that our son is a brilliant, caring, compassionate, hard working young man who happens to be gay. I’m not even sure what people mean when they use the term “gay lifestyle” Our son works 2 jobs, leads a responsible life, and loves all of us with his whole heart. He is an AMAZING young man. I wouldn’t trade him for ANYBODY. Since I KNOW these things about my son, my questions lie more with the interpretations of scripture (soooooo many different Christian denominations who can’t agree 100% on anything), cultural changes that obviously bring with it changes over the course of history, the Bible was never meant to be a sex manual, otherwise, believe me, we would ALLLL be on the short end of things if we practiced some of the teachings today. At first I cried, but more so for our son’s pain. Each morning when I set out for my walk, I visually relinquish all 3 of my children and their spouses to the Lord. Each step becomes lighter and I fully TRUST Psalm 139:14-16 God made my son from the inside out. He knows him more intimately than I did as I took care of him as a baby. He LOVES him exactly how he is, and I do too. The only JESUS our children will see will be THROUGH us and the way we treat them daily. I love and respect my son as he does me. I pray that my son grows in his daily walk with God every day, but if God wants him to change in any way, then it will have to come by the convicting power of the Holy Spirit–not me. I think he is WONDERFUL!!!
    I read my Bible and have my Devotions every day, but I DO NOT surround myself with super conservative articles or people who constantly harp on this issue. In fact, I don’t believe that people should have such strong opinions on this issue until they are faced with it themselves. I’m not talking about a distant cousin or an old maid aunt who they think was a lesbian. I’m talking about somebody you would die for because then and only then does it take on such weight.
    Life is short–TRUST that God is bigger than “GAY.” He can get us through anything. I am reminded of an old hymn as I walk each morning, In The Garden–He Walks with me and He talks with me and He tells me I am His own, and the JOY we share as we tarry there none other has ever known.”
    God has put such a love in me for this population now. I truly feel, in many ways, they have been treated like the modern day lepers in the Bible. The church and Christians have failed so terribly in this area. Post after post we read, “I had nowhere to turn, no person to go to” Isn’t it sad that most of us Christians surround ourselves with other Christians, yet we can’t find a place of truth and grace to lay our heads? there is so much the matter with that that my heart aches.
    I am CHEERING YOU ALL ON!! I hope you hear me. I will pray for each of you every single morning. You must surrender to the angst and begin to live again. I PROMISE you there is life again and it can be VERY good. Count your blessings name them one by one–My God bless you all-

    • Your words are a comfort. I ended up having a daughter completely broken hearted when she came out to me. It was then my journey started. No one can understand the position a Christian is put in unless it happens to you. A child sobbing that they have always been this way( and you knowing its true) but being told their soul identifying truths are a sin and they will always be living as a sinner unless they deny their identity and place in the world. You are asking them to live a lie by trying to suppress it. The battle has left them with little to no faith in God. I feel the only way to help my daughter trust God again is to fully embrace her and accept her. She fought against being who she is and I can’t let her wound herself anymore. I will embrace her and her sexuality… They are one and the same to me. To deny it is to deny her and I won’t do it anymore after seeing the price she has paid.

      • Lovemydaughter, I have recently gone through the same thing with my daughter. First initial reaction was shock and silence as I had no idea how to even react. Since then, there have been many tears upon our discussions. Thankfully, I have my mother to lean on even though she has always told me how “wrong” it is to be gay. She has to be the most understanding and compassionate person when it comes to talking. My daughter has no clue she knows. My mom is now understanding and accepting. My daughter tells me she would go to the grave with her secret before she told my mother. She told me what a lonely world it is to “wonder” how everyone would react if she came out to everyone. We have cried together many times. She explained it to me like this. (I hope this helps other parents to understand what they feel) she asked me how I would feel if someone kept forcing me to be “gay” even though I am straight. I told her I am not gay, so I just couldnt ever even try. She said thats how I feel about being straight. All of these comments are exactly what I am currently going through. My daughter went through a whole summer of nothing but crying, and even told me she didn’t want to live anymore. I kept asking her what was going on, she would not tell me. Only thing she would say is “You will hate me” or “you will never love me again”. I put her through counseling, as I did not know what was really going on. Once she told me, the tears stopped, the smile came back. I do ask her questions from time to time, and its not to bash her, but so I can educate myself as well. I may need some counseling of my own very soon, but for now these forums are really helping. Thanks for having this page up, I love my daughter, and would never let anything get in the way of our relationship. When you have been raised and basically brainwashed your whole life, its hard to think differently, but I am learning.

    • You’re so welcome Maria. I don’t have all the answers, but I don’t think anybody does. This is one of those issues that I believe has so many complex layers to it that it would be like Einstein trying to explain the Theory of Relativity to a 3 yr old–it will never be solved this side of Heaven, so in the meantime, all we are asked to do is LOVE. As time goes on, I must admit that I have seen more of the Christian Talking Points on this subject fail than succeed. In other words, back when I was a child we were taught that even “being gay” was a choice. I was also taught that homosexuality is the same thing as pedophilia–AHHHHHHHHH!!!! Thankfully, most people don’t bellieve that way any longer.
      I also want to offer to help love any child out there that any of you may find difficult to deal with during this coming to grips process. For some reason, God has put such a strong love in my heart for this special group of people. If you can’t talk to them about this topic, PLEASE see that somebody is– I taught HSchool for several yrs, and saw daily how they suffer. They too MUST have a sounding board.

  70. I am having a hard time dealing how to accept my daughter loving another girl. I lover very much’ but I am hurting so deeply. She’s a believer in Christ and goes to church and has given her life to Christ at one point. She’s not living at home any more. I love her with all my heart and soul. I will lover her the same always. Her dad is having a hard time too. What can I tell him? how can I help him?

  71. Carol
    Thank you for your encouraging words. This has been the hardest thing my wife and I have ever been through. It seems like some days I feel like there is hope and then the very next day I think things will never change. I do like what you said about people can’t understand what it’s like until they have someone that they would die for to be gay, that throws a whole different light on the subject. We have tried to read what materials that we can find on the gay lifestyle, so that we can better understand. Our son still attends church with us but I don’t feel like I could go to anyone there and find the compassion that would help. The church as a whole is very condemning on homosexuals but tend to overlook a lot of other sins. Thank you for your prayers they are greatly appreciated.

    • Jerry–I truly believe there are stages to this process just as they are with grief. It sounds like you and your wife are exactly where we were when we first received the news. We too said it was the hardest thing we had ever dealt with. We all agreed that we would wrap our arms tightly around one another (immediate family only we have 2 daughters and 2 precious son-in-laws), that we wouldn’t even tell g’parents or any other extended family members until we could get our arms around this by ourselves . It was a very wise decision. We didn’t want to be bombarded with questions or made to feel that we were laying our child on an altar of judgement. It took us until February 29th (leap yr)) before we told them, (about 4 months)and it was through an email. Very concise. Left no room for opinons. We have now told 3 of our DEAR friends who couldn’t be more loving and understanding. The first person I told I bawled so hard standing in her kitchen, so afraid of what words she might have for me. She was so incredibly loving. Then the 3rd person I told last week, started to cry too, but the reason she was crying was because her brother was gay and she had kept that a secret all of her life. There are so many more of us out there than you might think. I truly believe the more we share “our” stories and the fact that these aren’t “bad” people, they are just like us except they are attracted to the same sex, the more educated the church will become on this topic.It gets easier each time. At first, we found that since our son “came out” of the closet, we had in a way “gone in” the closet. We found ourselves not wanting to be as faithful at church–so afraid somebody would begin gay bashing in our small group class (isn’t that AWFUL that you would even have to worry about that at church). Ugh!! There were nights when my stomach would just BURN with pain, tossing and turning not knowing what to do with this. You need to find one person you and your wife can go to and sit and talk to—believe me, they will feel and see your pain, and it will help you so much if you even have ONE person who knows. Look for someone who is very loving and wise. Look for someone who is educated–when I say that, I am not trying to be condescending, but it does help if they know something about sexuality. Again, many Christians don’t know too much about that :-/ ugh again!!! You are going to find this hard to believe, but our experience has been that we wouldn’t go back to who we were before we started this journey. I’m so sorry to say that I too was judgemental when it came to this topic. I like who I am now a whole lot better. Also, I already LOVE your precious son and I’ve never even met him. I just know he must be an amazing young man. For some reason God chose you for this journey—don’t worry about the world or what anybody else thinks. This is YOUR journey and your story—given what you’ve been given,how do you want it to be recorded? LOVE that young man to pieces. He is looking for God in and through you–Praying for you all

  72. i did a search looking for hope. My daughter, I found her having an intimate relationship with another teen. I was shocked.
    I said some things that I shouldn’t have said. OUCH.
    I am really struggling here.

  73. Hi Shawn,
    I would really like to talk to you via email, I have not been able to share with anyone and am desperate to be able to talk to someone.
    thank you

  74. My husband and I were just told 3 days ago that my 26 yr old son is gay. He had a long term relationship with a female…told me he loved her and the sex, but was more comfortable with a man right now. He’s been struggling with these feelings for many years. My husband and I told him we love him unconditionally, but in private I’m shedding many tears and grieving my dreams for him that I’ve now lost. Where do I go from here?

  75. Karen, God is not finish with your son yet.. He loves him anconditionally too! Keep loving your son, and never give up. God will give you the peace and the wisdom to know how to handle this so painful situation. I am going though the same pain at this moment. But I know that God loves our children much more. Faith in Jesus Christ will bring them back to the right path. JUST BELIVE!

  76. My heart is breaking for everyone of these post I have read here today. I found out several months ago that my daughter is gay. I was told by a friend that she was in a relationship and very open about it at school but she had not told me. I am a single mom and have raised both my girls in church their entire lives. My daughter has been involved in mission work and loves giving to others. She has wanted to dress like a boy since she was very young and although I have struggled with that I gave in many years ago because she was a tom boy and it “made sense”. While I have at times been concerned that she might be gay, hearing that she was openly holding hands and kissing a girl around her friends took the life out of me. I have told her that I love her unconditionally and I have tried hard to make sure she knows that I will love her no matter what. However, it is so difficult for me to come to terms with know that she is still in a relationship (seemly obsessed with this girl) and does not appear to have any intention of changing her path. She attends church with me every Sunday and never complains about going. Our church is loving and I have had so much support from people that I have opened up to on the subject and for that I am truly grateful. I have prayed and continue to pray ernestly that God will change her heart. I know that He is her only hope for over coming these feelings and emotions.

    While my heart is broken and I don’t know what to do, reading these post help me see that I am not alone in my pain. I am not the only one going through this pain and somehow that provides some level of comfort. I will pray for each of you as you help your child/spouse/family member through this journey. Please pray for my daughter as she will soon graduate high school and start into college. I know the college years are hard enough and this only adds another level to her struggle. God is faithful and I continue to hold on to that!

  77. As a father of a 20 year old, college student-daughter who just received the “bad news”, I am more inclined to go the route of the prodigal’s Father: Here is a portion of your inheritance, now you are on your own. Does that mean I don’t lover her — of course not. That means, Go! (Although I must admit, the thought of cutting her off completely has crossed my mind). I know that I cannot change her mind as only the Holy Spirit can do that. Yes, I will constantly pray for her. Yes, my heart will ache. Yes, hopefully I can kill the fatted calf and celebrate when she has come to her senses and has surrendered that part of her life to God. I’m not going to support that lifestyle choice. I suppose I’m a little more inclined to express “tough love” than others that I have read here. Go join the Navy or the Air Force keeps coming to mind as advice.

    • Bless you, Ron. I have prayed for you since I read your post. My 25 year old son is gay and all you said I can relate to, particularly the heartache and prayer. My prayer for you is that you mirror all aspects of the father with the prodigal son. The son requested his portion and desired to ge gone; his father gave it. If your daughter told you she is gay and she just wants her inheritance, I know it is devastating. When my son told me, I was working on a walking stick I was making. I remember resting my head on it, wanting to scream at him, but I held my tongue and promised myself I would say nothing that would push him away, as far away as kids he had known and kids I had read of who took their own lives. I would not send him looking to anyone else for the kindness and love I had been given grace to give since he was born. When his grandfather found out, a retired war veteran with many decorations, he said to him, “I will always love you. And I will never tolerate anyone shunning you or mistreating you in this family. I do not agree with the life you are living, but I will always love you and you are welcome here.” I was in a closet cleaning and neither knew I was there. That is kind of funny to me. He outed my son while I was in the closet. I had dreaded my dad, his grandfather, finding out because I felt such guilt and shame. But I heard those words and I was inexpressibly grateful. I just want you to know I am praying for you and your daughter. I pray grace, peace, and communion for you as a precious family.

  78. Nicey, Thanks for the prayers and I will reciprocate. She did not ask for her inheritance. That was my idea. This was sprung on us after her attendance at one of these militant, worthless, pride events. We have a normal loving home and she came in with a chip the size of Rhode Island on her shoulder just to pick a fight and have us throw her out. We didn’t. My dilemma is this: We have provided a wonderful home free of the crap that many people go through. My wife and I have been happily married for going on 23 years. I’m not talking perfection (only Jesus walked this earth with perfection). I was so taken back at the spewed anger that came out of no-where thanks to the “pride” convention. She used language that she has never, ever used. She accused us of raising her heterosexual — all a product of some militant IDIOT speaking at the “pride” event. It took God’s grace to keep me from throwing her out that evening. I will not tolerate my child walking in to my home with that militant hateful attitude and that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. I love her with all of my heart that is aching like never before. I told her that she can visit and have adult like discussions/conversations but the minute she uses that militant, in your face foul language rhetoric learned from the “pride” event, she is out of here and I mean out of here. I suppose there are some who come out with a soft demeanor. This was not the case with our extremely smart and competitive daughter. I am strongly considering telling her that her financial support with me is done and that she should look to the Navy or Air Force. She is a Chem E major at Ga Tech –probably more info than I should share. She is incredibly smart to make such an ill advised lifestyle decision. I’m not sharing this with my 78 and 74 year old parents. Both are in bad health and I don’t see this being good for them.

  79. Rob,
    I am sorry that you, too, find yourself in a terrible position where your daugther is concerned. I understand your frustrations and hurt and anger. I encourage you to “take a breath” and think about how much God loves you and how much HE loves your daugther – even if she is spewing anger and hate. It doesn’t mean that God is pleased with her, but he does LOVE her.

    My son was also raised in a good home, with parents who have been happily married for 28 years, went to church every Sunday since he was born and yet “came out” to us a little over a year ago. He is ACTIVELY involved in the LGBT group at his college and is in charge of “Speak Out” engagements. It is mind boggling to have a happy, loving, child one minute and then out of nowhere you essentially have a stranger living in your home.
    When our son came out to us we just told him that we loved him and nothing would ever change that. He knows that we do not agree with his choices and sometimes this causes friction. However, at the end of day, when all is said and done, he knows that he is loved.

    My husband and I have prayed for God to change our child’s heart and to work to heal ALL of our wonds. Until that day, we just have to take it a step at a time. I will pray for you and your daughter’s relationship and I pray that you will show her just how much her Heavenly father loves her too -no matter how difficult that may be. God bless you.

  80. Regardless of varying opinions, this is nothing more than a “lifestyle choice”. No one is born this way and I’m not buying in to that overused propaganda. Thank you for your prayers. I will and have reciprocated. This is nothing but giving satan a foothold in your life. It is spiritual warfare and the father of lies and deceit has pulled ‘one more big lie’ over on our children. Yes this makes me angry as I’m sure you can tell by my posts. She knows that we love her but she also knows that we are NOT accepting of the lifestyle choice at all. We are praying that she wakes up from this stupor that she is in, and moves on with her life of meeting a great guy, getting married and having children. That — I will support and welcome. There is complete unwelcome for any queer relationship/partner brought to our home. That has been made abundantly clear. I am not going to bend on this. So far 33 states have had gay marriage on the ballot and all have failed even in CA. We have to stand up for what we believe God’s Word says about this. I don’t know about anyone else, but I don’t think it’s possible to just turn off a switch and stop loving your child. I know I can’t. Loving my child is not in question. Part of the gay militant agenda is to tie your and my acceptance to their lifestyle as loving or not loving them personally. When we choose to not accept; then it’s time for a temper tantrum that says “if you don’t give me my way and go along with my way of thinking, then you must not love me”…Sorry, but that guilt laden garbage doesn’t work with me and it shouldn’t with you. I would like to hear from Shawn…….

    • Hey Rob – sorry it’s taken awhile. I’ve been sick and dealing with other family issues. Thanks for commenting and sharing your story. I understand your pain and frustration to some degree. Your daughter is angry and is holding you and your wife responsible. This anger of hers is wrong, and sounds like it’s motivated by outside sources. I understand your anger towards her in this area. However, just as her words and feelings probably aren’t hers, so your anger shouldn’t be directed towards her necessarily but towards those who have influenced her. Your daughter isn’t the enemy, and either are you or your wife.

      You’ve expressed correctly that your love for her will never change. Like you said, “I don’t think it’s possible to just turn off a switch and stop loving your child.” – I totally agree with this. Likewise, though, if your daughter does struggle with same-sex attractions, she cannot just turn off these attractions either. It isn’t that easy. Telling her to just get over it, is just like telling you to stop loving your daughter right now. It’s not easy to do.

      My suggestion would be to try and have a civil conversation about this, without both parties leaving angry. Set some ground rules like: no foul language, only one person speaks, both sides listen, and no using “you” statements but rather “I” statements (“you did this” vs “I feel this”). I’m not saying that you are wrong and she is right, but you need to hear where she is coming from – especially if there is a real same-sex struggle involved. And she needs to hear where you’re coming from, BUT in a compassionate-non-threatening-way. Telling her that she will be (or can be) cut off financially is not right. Telling her that “we are praying that she wakes up from this stupor that she is in, and moves on with her life of meeting a great guy, getting married and having children” is not right either. If she really is struggling with same-sex attractions, she may never get married and have kids with a great guy. Putting that expectation on her, and her knowing that she cannot fulfill this, will drive you both further apart. You need to let go of your expectations – as hard as it is – and trust God to handle the details.

      No one has ever left homosexuality by force, guilt, or angry conversations (at least none that I know of). It has been through prayer, the Holy Spirit’s power, and Christians being like Christ that has enabled many (many) to turn from homosexuality.

      Loving your daughter unconditionally, and welcoming her as part of your family, does not mean you have to accept everything she does in life. She needs to understand this, just as you and your wife need to live this out – daily. Some books I highly recommend are: 101 Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality, by Mike Haley; When Homosexuality Hits Home, by Joe Dallas; and my own – which will be available in a few weeks.

      Thoughts? Feel free to email me, too.

    • Hi Rob — I too am the parent (mother) of a 20 year old lesbian daughter. Out of all the comments I sped read through, I relate to your thoughts and feelings the most. She made this choice about 2 and a half years ago and we have only spoken on a couple of occasions. I told her that I had no choice but to live separated from her (though it is truly her choice), that she was choosing to live separated from God, and that I would be praying for her salvation. I was raised largely by my single father, and so understand and appreciate the firmer side of love— which I believe to be characteristic of TRUE godly love. (See Hebrews 12 on the discipline of God). Our Christian culture has been so polluted by modern psychology. I am so tired of seeing the term “unconditional love” thrown around as though a parent expresses conditional love when they do not accept the homosexuality of their child. (And, no, we can’t separate them). The term “unconditional love” is a contradiction in terms. Love is love is love. It is love or it is not. God IS love. His love is in operation at all times, yet consider all of the painful ways he has and does discipline His children. Yet we do not call this “conditional love”. We simply must understand that love does not always feel good. I have struggled for so long only wanting to respond in the way that the LORD wants me to respond. I see other aspects of this issue that are not being considered in this forum. For one–what about those of us who have younger children watching? I have two young sons that will not be influenced by a homosexual sister —led to believe that this is okay. My daughter is extremely arrogant and bold with her lifestyle. She posted numerous pictures of herself and her girlfriend kissing on Facebook. It is as though she wants to shove it down everyone’s throat. We love her and pray that she will be led to repentance, but we will not let her MOLEST THE MINDS of our little ones. Another consideration…what if the problem was meth? Do you continue to support this child destroying themselves? What if the desire isn’t for the opposite sex, but for little children? Do we just act as ho-hum about it as often suggested by many? It seems that we are simply desensitized in our day to the exceeding wickedness of the wicked. It offends to even call people wicked. I really think we need to take this much more seriously than we are. Somebody’s children go to hell every minute of every day. Do we really grasp that? We can’t change them… only God can, but failing to react in a way that draws a clear line helps our children to hell and that cannot be love. I know that homosexuals can be made just as clean by the blood of Christ as anyone else, but I also know that homosexuality along with pedophilia and such are exceedingly wicked lifestyles — Romans 1 makes it clear that this is the far end of rebellion against God. Therefore, should we handle it in the same manner as we would the typical failings of human beings? We are only reconciled to God and only receive mercy and forgiveness with repentance. God please help us….

      • Hi Jamie. Thanks for posting. Your questions are valid. Have you read the other articles on here? I would agree that you have a right and obligation to protect your younger children from what their sister is doing / shoving in their faces. All I ask is that you use discernment. The goal I am trying to present here, is one of helping your child move closer to Christ – relationally – and allow the truth of Christ (the Spirit) to transform her from the inside out. As parents, we tend to “force” change in our children’s lives, out of our desire to see them grow into the person we want them to be. This is totally understandable. In regards to children who have same-sex attractions, though, change comes really only be their own will and the power of the Spirit. This is one area a parent cannot force upon their children, and a difficult part of the journey. I will be posting this article on the main blog, too, but worth repeating it here – http://www.billygraham.org/articlepage.asp?articleid=859. A great response from John Piper’s son who walked away from his faith, and how his parents strived to handle the situation.

  81. I agree 100%. I love my daughter and always will love her but I will NEVER accept this choice. We do not talk about her lifestyle choice every day but I take every opportunity to remind her that her choice will only lead to distruction. She knows that her choice is wrong but says she cannot help her feelings. I realize at her age it is hard fight this battle so I have told her I am fighting with her through prayer and that I beleive she CAN and WILL overcome this with God’s help! I will never give up on her because I beleive that God has her firmly in His hands and I can only hope she choses to allow Him to carry her through this.

  82. I to am struggling with my daughter coming out to my husband and I last year. I just wanted to crawl in a hole and never come back. It breaks my heart so much to see her struggle with her choices. The lies she tells everyone. I pray constantly about it all. I try not to say anything but I can’t seem to help that and I have to say mean things. I’m just so sad about it all. I don’t have a lot of people to talk to because people don’t know what to say. I know in the end God is in control and my daughter is just writing her testimony. I believe that God has big plans for her life and she has a special calling but for me now life is not so joyfull.

    • Hi Vicki,

      I am really sorry to hear of your struggles. I have to admit when my son told me he was gay last year, I felt like you…I wanted to crawl into the deepest darkest hole and just be “no more.” I just did not even want to exist. It truly about did me in. It is such a difficult thing for a Christian parent to hear their child say, “I’m gay.” (I’m sure no parent really wants their child to be gay, but I feel it is especially difficult for Christian parents). I really do not have anyone to talk with, either (except my spouse). Not having anyone to share our heartache and fears with makes it that much more difficult!
      I would encourage you to keep on praying for your daughter and to pray that God would guide every word that proceeds out of your mouth when you speak with your daugther. I have to pray this all the time when my son and I talk. I just want to SCREAM sometimes but I keep praying, “Lord, guide my words and let me say only what you want me to say.” It is hard, believe me, and I am not always perfect in how I respond, but overall I feel that praying about my reactions/responses has helped me when talking to our son. I hope that God will give you peace during this storm and I will pray for you and your family. God bless you.

  83. Hello,

    First, thank you Shawn for this blog…what a source of comfort it has been to read these posts. I’ve spent over an hour reading and crying. My beautiful daugther Lake came out this past Summer. It broke my heart. I told her that I will always love her and nothing will ever change that…even though she knows I think it is a sin. Here is the bigger problem.

    My husband, her step-father, is saying that her girlfriend is not welcome in our home. He does show my daughter love so long as he doesn’t have to hear about “it”. Even Thanksgiving dinner is off limits to her girlfriend. I want to love her unconditionally and in doing so I feel as though I need to show love to both my daughter and her girlfriend. I don’t want to hurt my daughter…but I want to respect my husband too. My husband’s brother is trasgender and my husband has never come to terms with it…I’m hurt, lost and confused. How exactly can we show my daugther we love her yet also let her know we don’t approve of this lifestyle. Any adivise will be much appreciated! Thank you.

    • Thanks for commenting Lakesmom. Has your husband read any of the articles on here? Is he open to talking about this issue with you? Your actions are correct – extending an invitation to your daughter and her girlfriend is showing love, not compromise. Love needs to be unconditional, even when we disagree with a person’s choices. How is your daughter’s relationship with Jesus? How about her girlfriends? If both have none, I would really start there.

  84. Dearest Lakesmom,

    Bless you. What I like about this blog is no one claims to have the answers. I am certain there are and will be people who do not see things the way I do, but I have already seen there are the same hurts, questions, fears, and cries for help that I have had. The fact that we have the ear of someone who genuinely understands and isn’t chomping at the bit to condemn us or the people we love is a gift from God. I count you a gift from God even in the midst of your anguish.

    Last Thanksgiving my son and his fiance (pray for me, all of you) came for Thanksgiving. It was hosted at my brother’s house. Most of my family knew of my son’s lifestyle, but I did tell one brother and my sister. No one had ever spoken about it, no one had met my son’s friend. My husband, my son’s stepfather, is in many ways horrified. He refused to be in the same room with my son and his friend. He told me later, with sincere confusion and with what I felt like was some disgust, that he couldn’t believe my family was so LOVING to them. I made up my mind four years ago I wasn’t going to push my son away. Nothing in the BIble leads me to think that is the way to deal with this situation. I figure if my family is going to be guilty of something, being LOVING isn’t a bad tag.

    One of the most valuable things I have learned to do is to ask my son what he wants. I pray for calm. I have written him to tell him what is going on at our house and to tell him what is on my heart. I talk to him more and more but it isn’t easy for me. But I ask him what he wants. He is an adult (26), and we need to talk. That is my first suggestion: talk to your daughter about Thanksgiving. You can do that without vilifying your husband and without being a victim. And talk to your husband. Ask him what he wants you to do. Just like you and like me, they need to be heard. I appreciate that your husband is loving to your daughter. His fear and whatever emotions he has are just as deep and strong as any you or I have. We all need to know there is respect for the need to voice them and be heard.

    If your daughter will not come without her girlfriend, know how you will respond to her and to your husband if he is expecting that. I don’t mean to talk in circles, What you need is to look at the options and pray for what you will do. I wasn’t angry that my husband wasn’t around last Thanksgiving, but I wasn’t going to leave whenever he did because he wanted to make his statement with his absence. It was his loss, and I truly feel sorry for him. My son and his friend are welcome in my home any time. When they get ready to visit here, we’ll discuss all the arrangements. That is in the future.

    I am praying for you to have peace and to have a sweet Thanksgiving. This is a difficult journey for us all. You are in my prayers and you are an answer to prayers. I pray that your husband will have peace and that we can all learn to love people for who they are, not what they are.


  85. I have the same problem. My husband told me he will never allowed my daughter’s girlfriend to come to our house. I love my daughter very much and I want to be part of her life. I know her lifestyle is not pleasing to God. She goes to church and I keep telling her not to let anybody make her feel bad for that. I am so glad I found this blog.. thank you all for your prayers and kind hearts.

    • Thanks for the blunt question, Li 🙂

      Am I still tempted at times by good looking men, yes.
      Do I give in to those temptations, no.
      Do I consider myself, no.

      Make sense?

  86. Shawn, For the record I have just been through this with my son! He told me about three weeks ago! I am seriously greiving and I am in a great deal of pain! I don’t know when it stops! I don’t know when I might smile and laugh again! I don’t know when I willl concern myself more with my own life or when I’ll think clearly!

  87. I appreciate your honest response. It gives me hope that my daughter may one day be able to resist the temptation to continue in the life style. Praying for you as well Shawn and you go through the journey.

  88. Hello. My son 15 yr old son came to me 4 days ago and told me he was gay. Its been a real struggle,as Im sure was with everyone being a christian family. I have not always been so “loving” these past 4 days,I said some mean things and cried and cried and cried and I feel pushed my son away. Today we have a small breakthrough,and Im trying really hardto come to terms with this,so I can go back to being the mom I was before. I find I keep thinking its not my son now,but a different person in his place,and I know thats nonsense. Im hoping as time wears on it will get easier. He still has no boyfriend,or is attracted to anyone,or so he sais.He in fact just broke up with a girl of 5 months last week…and this is why. Im terrified to tell my family….or his father whom Im not married to anymore…because I am expecting “poop ” to hit the fan. Im hoping coming here will help keep my focus on my son,and off my worries 🙂

  89. Didn’t really search for this forum but obviuosly here for a reason. There has ben the most beautiful heart felt story’s here. Now just to add to the stew and whoever back there made the statement that gayness is a lot deeper than what meets the eye. That would be pretty much true. I am Christian I think. I know that Jesus is the life, the truth. Why I say I think is because I sin. My sister married. She was a virgin and married a Baptist minister. She was the shining star in my mothers eye. Second sister married but fornicated and well I was going to hell at the age of six I reckon as I was the scapegoat of my mothers horendous past.
    The ministers, controlling,religious life, developed a gay, brilliant,genius son. They sent him to a phsyciatrist to train his mind to be normal. They also told me 20 years ago when I was unmarried, bulimic and pregnant that abortion is ok. I was hospitalised at 14 dieing from anorexia. Ok. Sounds like I am playing a victim here? I sure was and plus the other sexual abuse I experienced at a young age. The core , the hunger, the thirst , the root of it and much more is Love or lack of. The only one who has filled that void. Is Christ. Christ. Jesus Christ. God. Love. His Word. His voice, friendship and supernatural power, and grace. A beautiful Father, companion………..

  90. Oh and adding to the previous post. God does not condemn. It would take me a book to write about my history and my gay, or ex gay nephew is doing just fine. He is an artist,musician, like me, and most of my family. Do we carry the artistic God given genes who knows. I and him have obviously been branded the sensitive excentrics. However he would have to be one of the most open and honest persons I know. Has he overcome. He is getting there now that he is free of his religious parents. His love for Jesus,his intellect, and beautifulness will be honoured. His confusion will be put to rest now that he is free from judgement and condemnation, Amen. God be with you today and always

  91. My son is 19. I love him very much and he has been through alot in his life. This past spring he informed me he was gay. At first I couldnt believe it because of his actions with girls he had crushes on in high school. I was very upset and confused at first. I went on facebook curious to find out about his boyfirend. I had found his facebook page and had seen pictures of his friend dressed like a girl and seemed very feminin. I began asking my son questions not letting on that I had found his friend on facebook. I think my son was looking for me to reject him but I didnt. I sat down with my son and did read some scriptures to him. I informed him that as his mom I felt I needed to make sure he understands his choice. I did buy him a new study bible and told him to not give up on God. He had so many difficult questions about religion. Thank God for my husband. He and I felt very confident in some of the answers we gave him. We could tell he thoght about what we were discussing. I did meet his friend and had him over a couple times. I do try now to have my son come over without him. I love my son but do not support his actions. I know that no sin is greater than another. The only difference is asking for forgiveness when we know we are doing wrong. Someone who is gay does not feel they are doing wrong. I still struggle in understanding and knowing what to do. I pray for my son. I still have a relationship with my son and I always tell him I love him. The only thing I know to do is be that Christian example for him and help him when he needs help. My church family does not know about my son yet. I am uncertain about sharing this with them at the same time knowing that our church family is a gift that God has given us to support us during difficult times. I know in my heart that God has created all things and that everything belongs to him. I have to not worry or be angry at my son but trust in God and take 1 day at a time.

    • Your story is similar, only I have a daughter. A very pretty feminine daughter I might add, that came home on spring break from college and announced her “relationship”. My husband and I both literally stayed as sick to our stomachs physically as I would have imagined I would have felt if I had been told she were dead. I struggle with this daily. We didn’t talk for several weeks. Our home is christian, I home-schooled my children. She had always seemed to be so on-fire for God. Now she has mentioned to our other daughter that her significant other’s family doesn’t do anything for Christmas and wondered if she thought we would let her bring her to our house. I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t hate this girl, but I don’t want to appear to condone this lifestyle either. I don’t know what to do. My emotions in this area have been so bi-polar. I want to hug her, or hit her.
      One day, one hour at a time. I believe God will use this somehow for good.

    • Hi Amber

      Thanks for commenting. I think the actions you’ve taken with your son are great. Wondering how he has responded to everything? I would strongly advise getting a safe-connection group together to help you and your husband through this journey – fellowship and prayer support is highly important.

  92. Debbie, I am in the same situation as to what to do. My daughter doesn’t want to talk to me about her new lifestyle, she says she is not ready to talk about it. On the other hand, she tells me if we don’t want her partner here at our home, she just won’t come around. I feel like she is wanting me to accept her way of life but she is punishing me for mine, by staying away from the people that love her the most, me! She is being just as hypicritical as she thinks I am being about this subject. Where is the middle ground here?

    • Sorry for not replying earlier, I just saw your post.Well for Christmas we did let my daughter’s girl friend come over. I have nothing against this young lady.She actually is very bright, just graduated college suma cum laude. I refuse to blame her for my daughter’s choices, and we bought her a couple of small gifts, because I did not want her to feel left out or like we viewed her in a hostile manner. But at the same time since then, I hear from my daughter only when she needs something. Never just to talk to mom and dad, or come and visit. It’s been almost a year since she has seen or spoken to my mother which lives next door to us. I am determined that if mom dies tomorrow I will not notify her. Excuse the language but that flat pisses me off. My mother has always supported her financially and emotionally all her life, and for her to treat her with no regard at all makes me angry. I am trying hard to believe that eventually God will lead her out of this, and most days I’m ok, but there are days like today that I get so overwhelmingly discouraged. I don’t know about middle ground, I feel like I’m walking a tightrope not wanting to compromise God’s word and yet trying not to push my child farther away.

      • I understand your frustration Debbie. I won’t minimize that it’s a hard line to walk. A suggestion would be to not completely cut her off even though she doesn’t come over or see her grandmother. As hard as it may be, keeping the relationship open on your part will keep reminding your daughter that you have in fact not given up on her. Plus it places the ball in her court – so to say – and you are able to truthfully say, “I’m doing all I can for you.” This doesn’t mean that you have to keep giving her money or things she wants. You’re not a doormat. But it does mean that you keep making attempts to show her that she is still loved and wanted by you and your husband.

        Make sense?

  93. Shawn, I would also love to talk more with you about it. I am not able to talk to her alone because she won’t come around, not by my choice, by hers. She says she is not ready to talk about it, but she is living it.
    I do believe the ex-boyfriend has something to do with it, he was not caring, he was lazy and just not a good influence. I know I have to be careful here as to what I say, I just feel like I need to be doing something. People tell me to just let it play out and don’t worry so much about it. Is that what I should do? Thanks for you’re comments. Janet

  94. Yes, her partner has been to our home a number of times. Even spent 3 nights here at Thanksgiving before I asked my daughter about her lifestyle. No, she doesn’t talk to anyone in the family about it, no one knows except 2 of her friends she confides in. I will never shun my daughter, I will just have to pray harder for her. At the same time, I would like her to except my beliefs also.

  95. Shawn, I just read your testimony because I couldn’t figure out if you were condoning the ‘Christian-yet-homosexual’ lifestyle or not. I appreciate your sharing from the heart.
    My 15 year old daughter has been in counseling since her father & I divorced eight years ago. (I remarried six years ago)
    Two years ago, during a time of out of control behavior, she disclosed in counseling that her father molested her for four years. She has since “come out” as a lesbian. She dresses like a man, has taken on male “names” and “nicknames”, and in moments of chaos has even tried to cut off her breasts because she can’t stand any associations with her femininity. She has tried to commit suicide and has been hospitalized five times in the past year for suicide threats, attempts and self-injurous behavior.
    She has told me her view of men, sex and how she sees herself is affected by her abuse, yet she wants us to accept her as a lesbian.
    We are Christians, I work at my church, and though my husband and I have agreed to accept her as she is without judgement and condemnation, and let her know as often as we can we love her unconditionally, we are being hit and pressured by her counselors with letting her go to gay and lesbian support groups and just accepting her sexuality…We are very concerned that even after years of counseling, she is still not working through the trauma she went through.
    If someone admits to you their view of self and sexuality is affected by trauma and abuse, shouldn’t that be something they work through, rather than just saying “hey, I’m gay, get over it”?
    I still grieve the things that happened, the life that can never be, but I try to instill hope in her that God has a plan for her life; however, it seems that my husband and I are minorities in this whole situation. She says she believes in God but she is angry He didn’t protect her from her dad. They have no relationship and he lives in another state.

    • Thanks so much for sharing Momof4. I am so very sorry for the things that have happened to your daughter and family. No child should ever have to go through abuse like that – especially from a parent. While I am not one to push counseling, I think in this case counseling needs to continue. However, I would find a different counselor – a Christian one – to meet with and help your daughter work through things. From what it sounds like, your daughter is a “lesbian” based on what her father did. Her trying to “erase” her femininity is most likely due to the trama of abuse. Do you have any support from your church?

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  97. My name is Carmen, I have a 16 yr old son who was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and about a yr ago while he was going through many emotional challenges told me that he is gay. At first I didn’t know how to react to his confession. This is a kid who shows little emotion and many times dies not understand social cue. He is very smart and believe, having those feelings was eating him up. I reassured him that no matter what his sexual orientation is Ihe is and will always be my son and I will love him dearly. He used to go to church with me weekly and now hasn’t gone for awhile, he did go with me during the holidays cause I asked him. The church has not shunned him but he has just simply chosen to stay away from church and from God. He says he doesn’t believe in God because he didn’t answer his prayer. I went into a deep discussion as to why our prayers are sometimes not answered or are delayed. He sort of understood but still remains in his posture. I pray for hm daily that God continues to work in his life. He is not dating anyone and I’m not sure how I will handle when that day arrives. Because he is a child that is mainly by himself, it has not been an issue. But I know one day we will have this discussion. I just try to make sure he understands that he is loved no matter what, but I know that homosexuality is a sin, no more a sin then two heterosexuals fornicating either. Please keep my son in prayer as he continues growing up and becoming a man. If there are any suggestions or resources on how to talk to your child about their dating lifestyle in a Christian home who cannot condone these acts without making them feel discriminated and unloved please share. God’s blessing to all who are at this cross roads with their children and pray that the journey to reconciliation is not long.

  98. My son no longer believes in Christ since his struggle with being gay…..I no longer can pray and feel duped by my faith, my pastor said it was Satan…..I can’t believe that, I won’t….I still believe in Christ but I can’t accept what scripture says….I love my son and we are close and for me to think God does not want him to have a loving respectful relationship just tears me up inside and I cant accept that, my faith is still inside, but broken, been through way to many heart aches in my life since I was a child an on through my life, and this is just one road too many…Roberta

    • I’m sorry for your struggles and hardships, Roberta. My prayer is that you and your son would continue to embrace the love and truth of Christ. No matter the valley we walk, God is right beside us the entire way. Thanks for commenting.

      • Thank you Shawn for your prayer…my sons youth Pastor was a great man whom all our kids at the church enjoyed very much, not to many people out there can really connect with the kids…strange how my son just went downhill after he left our church…we did not live close to our church so he always felt a little left out seeing he had no Christian kids to hang with. My son is in his first year at college and he is very intellegent, has his first boyfriend now. Seems like his education on evolution changed his way of thinking, and of course high school is not a fun place to be when you are a Christian who is taught to share the gospel, nor did his father have anything to do with our church..sorry just rambling thoughts…my brother is gay, an uncle….and I was certain that my son was not..none of these men had any influence over him as one committed suicide and my brother lived too far away…I was sure my son would never have to endure what I saw my brother go through and Uncle, weird I remember when he was little he was all boy and I said at least I do not have to worry about him being gay…he is not as they say. flamboyent…one would never guess…but being saved an all how could this happen? I am so distraught and confused

  99. Ahhhhhh Karen, my sentiments exactly. i almost left this website because of all of the cruel, negative remarks being left by parents. Our son’s coming out has changed us for the better if that makes any sense at all. We are truly putting God’s unconditional love into action as we have never done before—with ALL people and in ALL circumstamces. It’s amazing how life changing this can be. Our r’ship with our son is closer than ever and he is opening up more now than he has ever done about his r’ship with God. He now has a desire to know this God who loves him unconditionally and not the one he was shown through our super conservative denomination for so many yrs. PTL!!!!

    • I’m glad you’ve stuck around Carol. I’m sorry that some comments have offended you. Please know, though, that every parent is trying to deal with their child being gay as best as they can. Some are farther along than others. One thing is clear through these comments, we need a safe sounding board to wrestle with our thoughts and emotions.

  100. My daughter told me a year ago she was in love with a girl
    it has been the most painful and I felt in my life.
    But even more painful than my daughter told me yesterday, with tears in her eyes she told me that her best friend who is a very strong follower of Christ, does not want anything to do with my daughter because of her life choices
    . My daughter is very sad. Her friend’s father is a pastor. I am a born again Christian for 23 years, and i know that my job as a beliver is to be like Christ, to love unconditionally! I love my daughter very much. Should I talk to her friend? I know her very well, she’s a sweet strong beliver that’s the reason I am surprise of the way her friend is treating her! any ideas from someone please!

  101. Thanks, Shawn, I agree with you. Unfortunately, there is not a huge selection of Christian Counselors in our area and our insurance doesn’t cover much. Our church is supportive yet not really experienced in some of the “issues of the day”…our Youth Pastor and Youth Leaders are supportive of our family and are actually working with our Senior Pastor to get the tools they need to minister to teens who struggle with things like sexual identity, homosexuality, suicide, cutting, eating disorders, porn, addictions, etc.
    Yesterday, one of my friends posted Joyce Meyer’s testimony on her facebook page and I watched it. My daughter came in the room as I was watching it and sat down on my bed with her Ipod. I didn’t make a big deal about her listening to Joyce, but I knew she was. I know it encouraged her to hear that someone else had dealt with something similar to her and found freedom and healing in Christ, and was able to make her “mess” her “message”. I believe God has a plan for my daughter and seeds are being planted. Her heart has been somewhat softened by what she has gone through this past year, and although we still struggle watching her make poor choices in her hurt, (she continues to try to have “girlfriends” and the relationships are usually toxic because she is not healthy) the most important thing we can do is love her unconditionally while we pray for God to do what only He can. Finding your site has been a blessing and I have passed it on to our Youth Pastor. I will continue to pray for you and your ministry.

    • Thanks so much Momof4. Not to self-promote, but my book is a great resource for youth workers and church leaders. Just suggeting it 🙂

  102. i have read a few of the comments and have some of the same feelings. my 20 year old daughter came out almost a year ago to the day. i would really love to hear from someone so they can help me get thru this (in my eyes a nightmare) sorry.

    at a real loss

    • Rosana, I know what you are feeling. My daughter is 22 and I confronted her at thanksgiving. She still has not talked to me about it and I don’t know if she ever will. She just acts like everything is normal. I just want you to know that you are not alone in this. I don’t have any advice other than just to love her. I’m still trying to figure out what to do or say myself.

      • Hello, my daughter is 15 and she came out to us 1-1/2 year ago. We told her we still love her, but she won’t talk to us about this. She says she doesn’t have anything to say. We haven’t pushed her to say anything and are waiting for her, but don’t know if this is the right thing to do. I’m also going back and forth whether we should let her bring a “girlfriend” over or not. We tried it before and it was uncomfortable for both me and my husband. Any suggestions on how we can start a conversation or should we just continue to wait on her?

      • Thanks for sharing. Has she stated why she doesn’t want to talk about things? Is she afraid that you’re just wanting to change her mind? This is definitely a hard part in the journey: wanting to talk but your child not opening up to you.

  103. Hi Shawn,
    Thanks so much for this blog. We are going through hard times with our middle daughter. it has been a whirlwind of upsets. We moved to a new town 3 years ago, where we did not know anybody. Her first real friend, although unbeknownst to us, was a struggling homosexual. At 15 yrs old, my daughter (who had never dated anyone or even been kissed) ended up having sexual experiences with this friend until the friend (during her religious convictions/struggles) confided to me that things had been happening between the two of them. The friend confided to me because my daughter had gotten angry when the friend had tried to put an end to things. I loved on my daughter and talked to her through lots of tears, and told her that at this point in her life she did not need to be confusing herself with same sex experiences. She had previously had boyfriends, but hadn’t been old enough to even date yet. I then (perhaps wrongly) told her to try to concentrate during these formative years on boys.

    This, along with being accepting of other gays, as well as previously visiting during vacations a gay friendly church (because it was a family member’s church) I think added to the confusion.

    She soon started dating a boy and then turned 16. He was the first boy she ever kissed. Several months into this relationship I found out he was sneaking into the house and spending the night with her. So we had a big upset about that and that sexual promiscuity of any kind is not right. (Btw, my husband, her father, travels with work and can be gone several days at a time. He is very much in the picture but generally things seem to happen when he is gone.) We got over the incidents with the boyfriend but did not allow him to come hang out at the house like he had previously. Eventually that relationship petered out after he went away to college and she said “she got tired of every weekend just being the same old thing when he would come home to take her out.”

    During this time she’d had a new group of friends and one of the girls she talked of a lot and seemed to be her best friend. So here we are now, at 17, and I found a note from the girlfriend that basically said they were more than friends. There has been more sexual experiences, sexually explicit text phone messages & facebook messages. My husband and I both talked to her this time and took away her phone (except when she is away from home) and computer privileges (except for school work). We told her we love her but as our child, it is our responsibility to raise her in the way that we feel is right and promiscuity of any kind is not right. She seemed to be really trying at first, but I think she is surrounded at school by very accepting peers who apparently know and have known all these things that we, her parents, did not. She began having long in depth conversations with me about everything. I loved this time together. Then, two weeks after this latest discovery & talk, we found more notes from the friend which sounded in the beginning as if our daughter was doing a good job of avoiding the friend but then the friend began to guilt her and manipulate her with, “I’m not eating,” and “I miss you so much,” that then the tone of the letters seemed to change as if the friend was getting her to come back around.

    We talked with our daughter about it last night and our whole tone was calm, kind words all spoken with love. We told her how proud we were of her, that we knew what she was going through was hard but that she has been doing a great job and that she didn’t have to go it alone. She basically got angry…terribly angry and let us know that she didn’t want to stay away from the friend and that we only wanted to make her do what we wanted her to do. She threw all of my previous acceptance of gays back in my face. Still…we stayed loving. Told her we loved her, will always love her, even though we can’t condone promiscuity of any kind or homosexual relationships.

    I read your blog this morning before taking her to school. She would not talk to me much…she now is back in that angry not talking teenager mode. I just broke down and cried before I let her out at her school…told her I love her, will always love her, that her sexual orientation, or friends she chooses will never change that. I feel so broken & alone. I don’t have any friends to confide in & the only emotional support I get is from my husband when he is home, not traveling with work. Please pray for us. If you have any advice or know of any support groups in the south GA area it would be much appreciated. Thanks.

  104. Well, I’m just joining the club of parents who have just learned that they have a gay child. Mine is 31 and we live on different continents. Believe me when I say that finding out by email isn’t easy…it also isn’t easy to make comments. I am afraid to write anything to her because she misinterprets whatever I seem to say! I tell her I love her, she denies it. I tell her I’m there for her, she says I’m not. It is so frustrating to me to be trying to be supportive and loving, walking on those famous eggshells. She doesn’t feel that I have the right to be shocked, unhappy, etc. and that this is a sign that I don’t love her….my question, I guess, is how doe I get through to her? She basically wants to immediately cut me out of her life because I can’t condone her lifestyle. I don’t want that. I’m willing to compromise, she seems unwilling to even start a conversation!

    • Thanks for posting Jude. Some gay children will only hear you when you’ve totally accepted everything about their life. Though understandable, this is is unfair on their part. Loving someone doesn’t always mean total acceptance of their decisions. Maybe your daughter is testing the love you proclaim. Maybe she wants to see it more than hear it. How long has it been since she’s come out to you, Jude? Time might be needed on her part. In either case, don’t lose hope in her or God. Keep holding onto Him, while loving her as best as you can.

  105. Hi, my daughter, 18, has shared she is gay. She told me immediately following her being in a vehicle roll-over accident and still in ICU. I recognize she has been rejected in many areas, including her father. We’re now divorced, and he dotes on her sister, but bold-faced ignores her. Always has (it’s strange). She’s also been raped, so I have a great deal of compassion. And, of course, I am imperfect. I don’t like this in her life, but I love her so much. And honestly, I think her desire for a intimate relationship was going to be either hopping with boys or with a girl. Something is deeply wounded in her. Her girlfriend also has been hurt in many areas. I sought the Lord on how to handle it, especially while my heart was still in panic as I’m at a hospital. I felt He showed me I may be the only example of Jesus they will see and how I handle this will make an impact. Plus, I was relieved my daughter was alive. A few months later, I sat down with my daughter and her girlfriend, and told them honestly how I felt and that I didn’t condone it, but I love them as does the Lord. Her girlfriend could not spend the night at the house. However, was welcome to come and visit. I’ve even invited her over for dinner. I was not going to nag them. I have been very friendly with her girlfriend, and they have been together now a year. My daughter battles her feelings. She prays every night that God will forgive her because she feels He hates her. (I recently found this out.) I told her the Lord does not hate her. People tend to bash homosexuals, yet, they wink at other sin: gossip, unkindness, pride, selfishness, even adultery, etc., etc. I know she has been through so much, and I don’t believe condemnation will get us anywhere. And now, after being around her girlfriend, I actually love that young woman. She, too, has been hurt, and is searching. My struggle is two things: 1. Many of my Christian friends are bothered that I don’t seem to care about my daughter’s homosexuality. I do. It grieves my heart, I’ve boo hoo’d over it many times. Jesus redeemed me, by His love. I wasn’t gay, but I had/have my own issues that needed a savior. I feel it’s not my deal to fix her. She’s 18. My deal is to love and pray for her. When she asks me questions, I am honest. How can I have compassion for others, but not my own child? I also don’t understand how my daughter who is amazing in school, kind to people, etc., is only defined by her homosexuality. I see her frailties. I fear Christians may be one of the biggest hindrances to her being healed in this area. Is my kindness to the girls wrong? Or being proud of the things she does well? Is it a mixed message? 2. My daughter sometimes does broadcast her homosexuality, and that does bother me. I have asked her to respect my being conservative. No kissing in front of the house. I’d feel that way with a boy, too, though. She also asks me to read some of her essays trying to “prove” homosexuality is a genetic condition, and I have read them, corrected the grammar, but did tell her, it makes me uncomfortable as I disagree. My desire is to be Christlike in this as it is beyond me, and I have to trust Him and that this can grow us both.

    • Hi Catherine,

      Just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are doing and saying the right things. Our son is almost 20 years old and came out to us about a year and a half ago. It has been a rough road and it is a journey that I don’t wish on anyone. However, I know that it is only God who can heal my son and it is my job to just love on him and pray for him. And boy oh boy, I do a lot of prayin’ :)Throughout this journey that we’ve been on, I have been reminded of how Christians are so quick to pick at specks of dust in their brother’s eye when they have a plank in their own eye. (Matthew 7:3: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”) That being said, I encourage you to keep seeking God’s wisdom, and, as much as possible, don’t worry about what others say or think.
      May our gracious heavenly Father give you peace in the midst of this storm! – Lucy

      • Dear Catherine,
        Your story seems like my story too. My daughter is now 28, but came “out” to us 10 years ago, curled up in a fetal position and refusing to go back to the Christian high school she attended. I was, and still am in many ways, full of fear for her. I cry out
        to God often in prayer, in struggle over the burden she must bear. It is so hard for any loving parent to see their child struggle with such burdens in this life. I felt alone, confused, guilty….you name it. My prayer every day is for God to hold my hand and… my daughter’s….and not let go. This is such a hard walk, often as I describe it to those I love, like walking on a razor’s edge. We must love God with all our hearts and love our children too. Shawn’s website is a blessing from God to those of us in this walk.
        Often, the only voices we hear are those who call on us to reject the children along with their gayness. In my heart I knew this was never God’s way of dealing with my own sins, and I prayed to be like Jesus. Only by keeping my eyes on Him day by day do my feet stay on solid ground. As the hymn says, “all other ground is sinking sand.”
        I truly believe, especially as I watch my daughter’s continual struggle in her relationships, that this is not the life God intends for her. Still, her hurts are also my hurts. I grieve for her struggles. I express continually how much I love her, am proud of the person she has become. I offer my acceptance to her partners, and spend as much time with her as I can. I could not turn away from her….any more than God turned away from me. But I have told her I cannot affirm what I do not believe. She knows, as I have told her many times, that I pray for her daily. “What do you pray for?” she asked me not long ago. I told her I pray that God will not let go of her hand, and that she will not let go of His. I pray for her faith…and I must trust God to do the rest.
        Some days, many days, that trusting is hard. But in all things the battle belongs to the LORD. I am called on to love.
        May God bless you in your walk. And God bless you Shawn in yours, and thank you for this place of comfort to so many.

    • I love what’ve shared here, Catherine. Thank you so much for posting. As Lucy has already said, you are doing things right. Continue seeking His direction in all of this.

  106. I stumbled on this forum searching the Internet for a Christian perspective on this subject and after reading every single comment here, I realized this was no accident. I feel The Lord has guided me here…Thank you Shawn and everyone who has poured out their hearts, your struggles and testimonies have been most helpful. My husband and I learned a year ago our 19 year old son is gay. Long story short, it has been difficult, heartbreaking and has brought us to our knees, but we are slowly, through prayer and seeking God ‘s Word we are trying our best to keep close to our son. Practical application on what we should do for future situations that will arise with our son and his lifestyle aren’t always certain, but reading everyone’s posts is very comforting and insightful. Everyone seems to be in a different place in their journey with their children and reading your posts have calmed my tumultuous feelings…Someone posted that these are deep waters we are all treading through and that is so true. God bless all of you, and for all of you trying to find answers in this most difficult journey.

  107. Hi, I just got done reading some of the comments posted here and I feel some relief, but still want to do nothing but cry. My 25yr old son just recently told me he is in love with a man who believes he is a woman. I prayed silently through the entire time my son was telling. I love my son so much, but I also know this is not exceptable to God. I have walked with the Lord almost my entire life and I gave my son to Him as an infant, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND how this can happen. I have gone over what I might have missed in his younger years. I taught about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, but what did I miss? I have told God how sorry I am and asked for Him to have mercy on my son. Now my son wants me to except this man who believes he’s a woman into the family. It is easy for me to love my son, but what does God say about the other person in this relationship? How does a christian mom handle this part of it?

    • Hi Mary
      Thanks for sharing. First, let me say that you are not to blame for your son being gay. Too often parents wrongly take blame upon themselves for their child being gay. Secondly, while at times it is very hard to accept your child’s partner, they need the same love from you as your child does. How you want the partner’s parents to treat your son, is how you should treat his partner. Both need the love and presence of Jesus. Here is another great article to read in regards to loving your son: https://six11.wordpress.com/2013/02/28/loving-your-rebellious-child/

  108. Hi Shawn,
    When I did try to talk with her she didn’t say that she thinks we’re trying to change her. She did say she can’t be who she is and then just said she doesn’t have anything to say. She said it’s easier just to pretend that everything is as it was before she came out. I’m very confused because aside from telling her we don’t agree with the homosexual life, we love her and we haven’t taken anything away from her or stopped her from seeing friends or having a “girlfriend” since she told us. I don’t know what “not being who she is” means and she won’t tell us. We don’t tell her to act differently, we still show her affection and tell her we love her every day. Without her sharing and talking with us we are just holding our breath and praying for her.

  109. Pingback: Resources for Addressing Teens About Homosexuality | Austin McCann·

  110. Hello, all you parents. I just met my son’s partner today for the first time. I tried to welcome him with open arms in the name of Christ. I hope that all of you will follow suit. After all, we may be welcoming each other’s beloved child! Perhaps one of you is the parent of my son’s partner, and you will have the opportunity to show love to my son. Many gay people have experienced such rejection. I don’t mean after they “came out”, although there is much rejection then, too. I mean as a child and a young person. Now is the time for us to show them Christ’s love. They certainly don’t need more rejection.
    It is my true desire to show my son and his partner Christ’s unconditional love. This is all very new to me. I am still in shock, and I am so sad. I don’t know what to say, or what to do, but I do know that 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” I pray that my love for my son will cover my mistakes of what I say and do. I also pray that my love is sincere. I have no doubt that my son will sense if it is not genuine. If you think of me, please pray that the Holy Spirit will fill me with love so that I can show that love to my hurting son and his partner. Even though we live in a hurting and broken world, a new day is coming. Christ is the redeemer. Keep your eyes focused on God.

  111. I am like many others on here. My daughter 14 told me she is bisexual last summer. My first reaction was bad. I freaked out and closed myself off from it. Now a year later she has a girlfriend and I’ve been trying to give her the support and love she needs but all the time blaming myself. This article has really helped me on how to handle my side of this. I have been struggling with my beliefs and my love for her. I know God forgives but it sure isn’t easy to remember God has a plan. I just want to thank you for your help. I will pray and hand this over to God. Bless you.

    • My daughter was 14 when she told us too. She first said she was bi and then got into a relationship with another girl and shortly thereafter said she was gay. She is 16 now and has been in 5 relationships. All of her relationships have started and ended naturally and she never spoke with us about them. We have spoken about her identifying herself as a lesbian and she knows that her dad and I deeply love her. We both have shared with her our own beliefs, but have shown her that we continue to love her. I’ve also told her she can talk with me about her relationships and that I’m a good listener. She said that she wants to do things different and wants to be honest and open about her relationships and have the girl over and spend time with us. What I’m struggling with right now is that she has another girl in her life and she is not being honest with us about the relationship. This girl has come to our house, spent the night and we’ve all gone out together. My daughter keeps telling me there is nothing between them and she’s even said this girl is straight, but I read a note the girl wrote to my daughter and it was anything from “just friends.” My husband says I can’t say anything to her since I don’t have any proof besides the note, but I feel like our daughter has chosen not to trust us and not be honest and she’s doing things like she’s done with her previous relationships. I am confused and frustrated because eventhough we’re showing our love for her, she’s doing this behind our backs and blatantly lying to us. Help.

  112. I have read all your comments, and it seems to me the majority of you are heavily into religion. I am not!!! My son came out at 18 yrs old. NO I didn’t take it well, but his father was brilliant. My son said to me, mum, if I could be straight I would, it’s not easy being GAY! Your sons/daughters love you unconditionally and if you are not coping I doubt very much it is about your child being GAY, but you having to face the world and their comments……..I really don’t mean this as anger or to put anyone down, but religion is one of the biggest hipocrites when it comes to sex. Religion, Muslim, Buddhist or Christianity they all have there share of GAY preachers, believe me! LOVE your child and embrace them with their sexuality, it is not a disease but it is who they are! If you want to lose your child and give them lack of confidence then carry on in you depressions, but question what you are all depressed about, is it because your child is GAY or YOU having to face the world.

  113. I have read most of the comments on here. I have two sons 20 and 25. My 20 yr old who still lives at home, left his phone in the kitchen and I grabbed it and looked at it. I know what I did was wrong by invading his privacy. I was shocked at what I found. There were explicit text messages to another openly gay young man. My son doesn’t know that I know he is gay. I don’t know how to handle the whole situation. By that I mean do I approach him? Or do I let my son come to me on his own time? How do tell my husband? I love my son unconditionally and his sexually preference makes no matter to me. He is my son no matter what!! I know he is probably scared, maybe a lil embarrassed to say anything. I guess I am mainly concerned for his well being and the difficulties I know he will face, especially if my very close minded family find out!! I am just looking for some guidance .

  114. My 20 year old son just told us that he is gay. It has been, as my husband put it, a punch in the gut. Thank you so much for this article! It confirmed to me that we responded to this news in the way God would want us to. By His Grace we will continue to love our son. Right now we are in the mourning stage and need to tell our Net Group and other church friends so they can support us in this journey. Life is hard but God is good. Thank you again for your wise and timely words.

  115. Thank you for your blog Shawn! I have found here a number of very helpful postings. I particularly appreciate the focus on loving our child and showing them God’s love and acceptance (as well as our own!) of them as an individual, even while we may not condone their choices. This should be true whether those choices regard lying, stealing, gossip or sexual activity outside of a heterosexual marriage as God designed. As a couple of posters have already stated, sin is sin. Sin separated us from God at the Fall. That initial sin was choosing to disobey God’s instructions regarding fruit and resulted in the complete Fall of Mankind. God Himself was the only one who could pay the penalty for us and offer a means of retribution for any of us, no matter what our individual sins. We are all sinners and need a Savior.

    Even knowing and believing all of this, I am still struggling with the knowledge both of our daughters (15 and 19) have identified themselves as bi-sexual. Neither so far has been in an actual relationship, but they both describe themselves as “Bi”. It is how they think of themselves. How to I respond to that?! It is the question ever before me. Mostly, I have tried to cling to the example of the Prodigal Son and Father for guidance on how to respond. He did not nag or otherwise stop his son from following his choices, but was watching and RAN to him with open arms at the first sight of his effort to return, and then threw him a major feast of celebration. I am certain that that father was in continual prayer while his son was away from him. There is no mention in this story of the father giving his son any lectures or “I told you” so’s, only love and acceptance. As I understand it, this is an allegory of God our Father and every one of us as the son. I keep asking God for wisdom to know if my response to our daughters should be the same. I am trying to operate from the perspective of LOVE them and let God do the seeking/correcting/perfecting. It is so tough. Proverbs 3:5 & 6 are my life verses and they have never rung truer to me than now.

    I also struggle with wanting to be a voice of caution to them to try to protect them from making wrong choices, like I did when they were little and I cautioned them about the dangers of running into the street chasing a ball. It hurts so much to be silent, but I believe this is what God is directing me to do at this time. We do have them in professional counseling. She is a Christian and the girls both LOVE seeing her. She has been a literal answer to prayer for me. It is an expense, but I am happy to sacrifice to pay it. The purpose of their counseling is not to try to “de-gay” them but to help them navigate through these most difficult teen years. Both have told me they do not want to attend church which they feel is “hypocritical” and not for them. Their counselor is their mentor and I greatly appreciate her influence. Our culture is so full of anti-godly messages and influences. No matter how hard we as parents try to influence our children, we are still in the constant battle to be heard over the din of the internet, media, & culture. The temptation to berate my parenting skills is tremendous (we moms always think everything is our fault) but then I remember my own struggles with identity at that age. I did not struggle with same sex attraction, but I certainly did with self-identity and self-esteem. I was never abused, nor were our children, but we all have to figure out who we are and who we want to be in this life. Most of all we also have to decide “What shall I do, then, with Jesus who is called the Messiah?” (Matt. 27:22).

    I found your blog while searching for a source of Christian support and guidance for parenting our girls. The pain within me is always there just below the surface waiting to break through. My heartache is not because our girls identify themselves as Bi, that is only a symptom not the diagnosis. The source of my pain is that I have not been able to pass on to our daughters the values and Christian perspectives my husband and I (as well as our extended families on both sides) hold. They are both apathetic towards Christianity and disinterested, even resistant, towards Christian influences. We have stopped trying to take them to church. The fights and hostility were only creating greater division between us. As other posters have stated, the relationship we have with our children will be the Christian influence for them. Our actions will speak louder than words to them. We can be that father watching for their tentative return to God. Not easy, but possible because while we are the parent, we are also the son who needs to seek the Father. He will empower us in our role as the parent.

    The counselor recommended I journal to help me process and deal with my feelings. She was right. It has helped. Thank you for the forum.

    I wanted to close my comments with a quote of Ruth Graham that I came across early in our marriage (we have been married 22 happy years).

    Ruth Graham said of her husband: “It’s my job to love Billy; it’s God’s job to make him good.”

    (Yes, THAT Billy Graham!) I read this over 20 years ago and never forgot it. Such powerful words of wise advice. I cling to them today in reference to our girls.

    Even in death Ruth’s wisdom still speaks to me:
    “End of Construction. Thank you ‘for your patience. ”
    Inscription on Ruth Bell Graham’s grave — inspired by a road sign she saw.”
    ― Billy Graham, Nearing Home: Thoughts on Life, Faith, and Finishing Well

    • If you have a Celebrate Recovery ministry close to you, go. It is for anyone with habits, hurts, and hang ups. It is a Christ centered 12 step program that is based on the beatitudes. It is a community of grace and love, a safe place. The theme this year is “Welcome Home” to anyone needing support and love. Nothing has helped me more. I struggle with issues of control and as the parent of a gay son I have found such comfort and insight for me about me so I can love others. You are in my prayers.

  116. I’m hoping someone can help me. Just last week our daughter came to us and told us a girl in her house at university told her that she liked her. Our daughter said she was “freaked out”, because she’s only identified as heterosexual and has always been attracted to men (she is 20 and we’ve had no indication that she was gay at all). She is not a Christian but her father and I are. She then said she started to like the girl too and that since Christmas (7 months), they have been in a relationship. We are in shock…especially me since I see her participation in this relationship as sinful. I have been crying on and off for 3 days. I am trying to come to terms with it. She said to me last night that she doesn’t identify with being lesbian or gay, that it is what it is, and has nothing to do with her future or how her life will play itself out. She may not consider herself a lesbian, but it is beyond me how you step over that boundary if you are straight. She knows how I feel about it – that it is not God’s plan for us, but that I still love her and always will. She doesn’t see anything sinful or wrong about it, but she has always grown up in a school system that endorses this lifestyle. She knows how I feel, and we agree to disagree. My first reaction is to recoil from her and to distance myself from her – I like other parents find it almost hard to look at her. I do know that through prayer I have to move beyond this because there’s no way I’ll have an influence in her life if she feels rejection. Being Christlike
    in this situation is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I guess my question is – with a daughter that doesn’t consider herself gay, and is still attracted to men (and always has been), is this a rare opportunity to be an influence in terms of guidance? I know without Christ in her life there may not be much motivation to leave this behind. By remaining close to my daughter and expressing my views, in a loving manner, is this better than being close and not mentioning anything so as not to appear judgemental? Is it better that she has a parent in her life gently influencing her to move away from this….or will it make no difference because she’s not a Christian? I would love to somehow bring her to Jesus, but I know that unless she wants this for herself it won’t happen. What is the best way to help my daughter, without condoning the situation? The fact that she doesn’t indentify as gay – could there be greater hope for a heterosexual future. I have no greater prayer right now. Thank you.

    • Thanks for sharing Cindy.

      Unfortunately in our culture, it is popular to experiment with the same-sex – this especially goes for girls. While they consider themselves straight, they see no harm in having same-sex relationships. Our culture embraces this, which sends a harmful mixed single to teens/young adults, especially for those from a Christian family.

      Though I think it is ok to share your views with her, make sure your sharing is through a Christ-like example. Speak words that build her up, express your love for her, and represent the love of Christ. This doesn’t mean you have to accept everything you disagree with, but it does mean that since your daughter doesn’t know Christ, you need to be an example of Christ to her.

      I would totally focus on her relationship with Christ, first and foremost. Without Him, nothing changes. With Him, our lives are transformed by His truth and Spirit.

  117. Since our son came out to us one year ago I honestly didn’t think things could be any worse. My wife and I now feel even worse now because we just found out he tested positive for HIV. He is own medication but we know very little about the disease. We are about at the end of our rope. I don’t know who else has heard this kind of news from their son or daughter but I believe that it hurts even worse than finding out their gay. Any words of encouragement would be so helpful. We haven’t confided in any of our family, partly because we are ashamed and because they are so condemning. Our only prayer and hope is that God will use this to draw our son to him. Please pray for Matt and for us we so need the love and grace of God. I would be willing to give my life for him but I know Christ has already laid down his life to pay our debt of sin that we could not pay. Thank you.

    • Hi Jerry, I will pray for your family & son. The pain is very real, and so many layers to it. I’m only now getting back on my feet after finding this out 12 days ago. I’ve been checking this site almost daily to see if anyone’s replied with advice. For days I’ve been listening to Tim Keller sermons – so many good ones especially on fear (https://itunes.apple.com/ca/podcast/timothy-keller-podcast/id352660924). I think you’ll find them very comforting. Nothing on this particular issue, but just ways of moving forward and living abundantly…somehow. Listen to #4, #8, #9, #12, #19, #45 & #46 (Praying our Tears, Praying our Fears)….they are all so good. “Praying our Fears” really helped me to see that we have to keep walking into the fear, but we can only go forward never back – then Jesus will be with you. “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things is passed away. (Revelation 21:4). When I pray for my daughter, I now start by giving thanks, making my prayer request and then trusting that he will take this situation and do something good with it, and then I can give up control….he will do that for you too even with the agony you’re living through. Joyce Meyer’s sermon on YouTube “Trusting God when I don’t understand”, is wonderful. I truly don’t understand what’s happened to our family. Our daughter had a wonderful childhood, with two caring, close & loving parents – but she’s rejected God, so I’ve felt a lot of guilt over that – could I have done more to raise her with the love and knowledge of Jesus? I know I could have. Our faith really only started to grow 3 years ago with an illness my husband was diagnosed with – unfortunately by that time she was an older teen. So much blame – trying to hand that over. The only comfort is to stay in his word. Peace to you.

    • Thank you for sharing Jerry. I will be praying (as will others) for Matt and your family. There are some links on our site concerning info about AIDS. If you need anything, please feel free to email.

  118. Hello,
    I just wanted to encourage all of us parents who are struggling with the knowledge that our child is gay to keep praying for them and for ourselves. God is taking all of us through a journey and although, I know I can’t understand it, I’m trying to leave it in His capable hands. We love our daughter and are showing her our love for her daily. Sometimes there are days when that is more difficult/challenging than others, but we have to push forward and continue to let her know and show her that we love her. We’re not trying to change her, it is not for us to do that, nor are we capable of it, but we do want her to know that we love her. We still struggle daily as she doesn’t really share or want to share with us, but we have told her we are here for her. She has a girlfriend that comes over and they spend time together, so she knows we accept her, but I don’t know if she’ll ever talk with us about her feelings, worries, etc., so all we have left is to continue to pray for her. My heart and prayers go out to all of us as we each find our way through this path that God has asked us to walk with Him. Let’s all continue to pray for each other. Bless you all.

  119. Do not live your life in fear and despair because of homosexuality. Love comes in many forms. All are good. There is no such thing as wrong love, because all love is inspired by God. God is love.

  120. I am not quite sure how the conversation trails run in this site-the dates seem to be all over the place-so I am just jumping in and it may be in the wrong spot, for which I apologize.
    My almost 16 year old son came out to me an hour ago. I hugged him and listened. Told him I knew it since he was 1 1/2. Told his pediatrician when he was 2. He asked how I knew. Told him it was a “Mom thing” (I like my children to fear Mom knows EVERYTHING!). He is not ready to go live with it so I was just digging around online for somewhere to share it. I find many of the reveals on this site sad. For some reason, Christians are often the harshest judges. I just don’t get it. Tomorrow will just be another day for me, for my son, for our family. I will know to keep a little bit closer eye out in case anyone causes him pain. Beyond that, I will love him. Always. I have no right to do otherwise. I have no right to consider there is anything wrong with him, the god is punishing me, punishing him, or in any way disappointed in either. My son is a child of God. He is perfect. I thank God for him.

    • Thank you for sharing Jan. The majority of these parents on this page love their kids just like you. They thank God for their child. Though they may not come to your same conclusions doesn’t make them or their journey as a family less than you and your family’s journey. I have talked with many of these parents personally, and they want the best for their kids, as well they want God’s best for them, too. THanks again for commenting 🙂

  121. I really love to read your post Jan Harrison, I think just like you, the only difference in my case is that my boy is only 14 and he did not came out to me, I went to his room I open the door with out knock the door like I always do, but no this time was different, something inside me.. “a mother instinct” told me to go and check on him while one of his school friends was over, his friend is 16 and previously had spend the night at my home,, well for my surprise here we are! the older boy was kissing my boy, at first I have all this rage all over me, I want to hit and smack both of them, I wanted to call the police was really upset many thought coming all over me at once, but didn’t then I kick him out of my house immediately and since his father supposed to come and pick him up latter, I called him and told him that we need it to talk, we went outside my house I told this boy that I do not want him near my son or closer to my home, and all he could said was ok, I ask them while we awaiting for his father to come and pick him up, why and who had started this situation, the older boy say that he was the one that started and my son reply to me that he still likes girls and that this boy was his first boyfriend, I keep listening and still didn’t understand how this had happen!!! final his father arrived and I walk towards his car and said to him, that please do not bring his son back to my house because I found him kissing my boy in his room, well I really was too much for me to process at that moment, and more confusing was that I did not see any reaction from his father, he was very calm and all he said to me was OK.. that’s is OK, well he either knew already about this or didn’t make any difference to him, after they left I approach to my son and ask what happen, he star crying and so I did too!! I hug him as strong as I could, he ask me to forget all this, I told him that he need it to tell me what was happening and what ever it was that my love for him will never change, and that I will always will have his back, then both cry for almost two hours that we were talking, he told me about all 7 girl friends he have had since 6th grade, but this was different, I didn’t know really what else to do I can not change him from school, I am so afraid this got out of control like this, I want to know more about it, he said that really was not too long ago that this relationship had started, I did not want to show him any type of violence from my part, I told him that maybe this was just a face and that he will forget about it soon that I was not disappointed about him and most of all that even if this was what it seems to be, well that he always will be my baby and that I will always will love him, we both agreed that this will stay in between us only and that his father and younger brother never will know about it, but since that day I cant sleep thinking re what is happening with him at school I cry more than usual and the worse part is that I had so many nightmares really cant sleep well any more, I will give my life for the two kids and still don’t understand what did I did wrong? will this happen again? how I can prevented? I just pray and pray a lot hopping that all this was not a result of someone abusing my child and as today he is not able to tell me, since that day we have not talk about that subject, I want to but I do not know how to start that conversation, I did told him that I do not want him to lie to me, that he can trust me and tell me everything, I just can accept that this is happening, not because I have anything against gay people not not at all, is just because is my little baby… I am afraid of the world I know that cruel people exist and can hurt him and I do not want that to happen

  122. thanks, and no, nobody has contacted me, I still feel numm, I want to start a conversation with my son and talk about this subject, but dont know how, I do not wanted to fell bad, I dont want to humilliated him in any way and the most important at all that it doesnt matter what he is or how his sexual feelings will be I want him to know that I love him and support him all the way, I know that this doesn’t make him a bad person, he is a very good student, he has joined the swimming team at school and he plays in the school band, I want him to be a succesful man in despite of all this.. I tell him every day how much I love him and that everithing I do is for him and his younger brother, but in the same time I do not want to overwell him with question, therefore I do not know how to approched this situation, I feel so much guilt, but in the same time I think I am bein selfish because I need to realized that he also doesn’t feel any better than me.. I do will like to have a talk with you Shawn if you dont mine!!!

  123. Our son told me his news when he came home last Christmas, Dec. 2012. He, then a sophomore in college, said he had been struggling with SSA since he was 12 and was now at a point where he was ready to accept that it was simply “who he was meant to be.” Like the rest of you, my first thought was, “where did we go wrong as parents?” Then, it turned into a horrified, “How, as his mother and the person who thought I knew him the best, did I not sense this, see this, or have a clue??” All of Christmas I walked around in a numb state feeling as if someone close to me had died. For many reasons, I didn’t tell my husband. He was dealing with aging parent and difficult work issues, and I knew this would devastate him. I also felt like it was our son’s story to tell and wanted my husband to hear it, first hand, from him. Our son finally told my husband in April and we’ve been on this journey for almost 9 months now. We have experienced every emotion in the book, but the place we are struggling the most is watching our son’s God given gift and talent being squelched by his lifestyle decision and the turmoil it is causing in all of our faith. He was instrumental in helping to start a College targeted worship service in our church – and served as the service’s worship leader. The Pastor of the service was also our son’s youth minister and the first person he told about his struggles. When his SSA was simply a struggle, he was allowed to lead the worship service. But, once he gave in to the struggle, he was asked to step down and it truly devastated him. He feels as if he’s being punished for feelings he was born with and has no control over. We love Jesus, we love our son, and we love our church…but right now, “love” doesn’t seem to be enough to make them all mesh and we are left more confused than ever.

  124. Thank you for this blog. It seems to be bring the most balance to my brain that is going every which way every since our 22 year old girly girly informed us that she was gay. We kind of saw it coming, yet not. I’ve always thought of my self as discerning, especially when it comes to my children. She liked boys, so I thought. Had many boy friends. Some who broke her heart and visa versa. Very girly, no boyish characteristics. But when she was about 14, a girl was perusing her and to my disbelief she seemed to like it. Fast forward to about a month ago she sat us down and proceeded to tell us she was gay.

    God has given us a love for her that I cannot explain. I however am in not a place in my heart where i can accept her “friend” nor do I want to meet her. Even though there is unconditional love in my heart it surrounds a dagger placed there by my daughter’s coming out. Physically I just can’t meet this woman. Thank goodness my daughter lives out of state so it really isn’t an issue.

    My question to you is how does a Christian parent handle this?? I waffle all over the place. Do I accept this woman as my daughter’s girlfriend? (uggg). If they get married do I go? Do I have to talk about her?? I just want to walk through this as Jesus would have me.

    I have to add, everyday I pray for her salvation that Jesus would make himself real to her. I think of the prodigal parable. I will always pray for a victorious life for her on a daily basis without ceasing!

    Thank you for letting me rant! Any insight would be greatly appreciated!

    • Hi Pam, I’ve been waffling back and forth since my daughter told us she was gay a couple of years ago. She’s only 16. Some days are better than others, but every day I pray, not only for her but for us as well. She has chosen to walk away from our faith and I also pray that Jesus will make Himself real to her. As a Christian parent, I have to continue to walk my Christian path with God and know that he’s working on her behalf. He has a plan and although it’s difficult for me to understand what that plan is, it’s a test of my faith that I leave it to Him. We have met our daughter’s girlfriend and she’s come over to our home several times. We’ve even gone out for lunch. I think it helped when both my husband and I spoke with our daughter, individually, and told her that we love her and we want to meet her girlfriend, but we don’t accept a homosexual life and we do not want to see her and her girlfriend being “handsy” with each other. They have both been good about keeping a close, but respectful distance from each other when they’re around us and we don’t have any tension. In fact, they act more like friends or sisters than boy/girlfriend.

      • Blessings J <3. In the short time we have known about our daughter God had made Himself incredibly real to us through this experience. I believe God uses what ever to get us in the place we need to be with Him. In turn I know that I know that I know that she is going to come to Him. Thanks for the incouragement! Hugs

    • HI Pam,
      I like what J shared with you. This journey is going to take time; there are no express lanes 🙂 When you are able, I would encourage you to meet your daughter’s partner. I often tell parents this: how do you want other parents to treat your daughter? Treat their friends in the same manner. I wouldn’t worry about marriage just yet .. take one step at a time. Thoughts?

      • She lives in another state so it’s not really an issue. Not right now anyway. And as much love as God has given to me for my daughter, to be honest, I’m just not in a place to meet the partner. I would want to show her the full unconditional anointed love of God. He has to give that to me first so its not contrived but genuine and anointed. All though my daughter’s upbringing its been a series of her begging, pleading wearing us out to get what she wanted. And even though they were usually minor things i want her to know this is not a minnor thing and I feel like right now we need to stand our ground, love her socks off but not condone what she is doing. Am I wrong? Let me emphasize, the love being poured out on her is constant. She knows she is loved!

  125. About a year ago our daughter confined with us that she was a gay. I was shattered and speechless. My 35 year old daughter found it easy to reveal her relationship to the same sex partner. My husband thought they were only roommates. My daughter lives in a different state. We only communicate over the phone and see each other on big days like Thanksgiving and X’mas holidays. Three months later, I found out from my husband that the partner was pregnant through a procedure where they get a donor of sperm cells and injected through the partner’s vagina, I don’t even know what you call this procedure.
    I don’t have any guts to share what’s going on with our daughter. We were well respected in the community and all our friends think very highly of us especially with my 2 kids. My daughter is a professional and very intelligent. My daughter thinks that I should accept the way she is and be proud of her doing. That I’m an old fashioned. I don’t talk to her that much because it makes me sick. She thinks that there was nothing wrong being gay and their friends accepted their relationship, more so that the partner will deliver a baby. They even have baby showers. Because I’m so hurt and don’t know what to do, I told her that though I don’t approve of her choice, she is still my daughter and I love her. That I don’t want to be involved in what she is doing. I’m so cold blooded with her and I’m sure she feels the same way because of our arguments. She is jealous with my son who I”m supporting 100% because he lost his job and asking me why can’t I not support her either.I don’t know what to tell my daughter for her to understand that her situation is different from my son. I will also do the same if she lost her job, but I’m not willing to support her now that she have a family. Daily, I lead my life to the Lord. All these problems I leave it all to HIM. I’m going through tough times right now and I’m holding on and hoping that one of these days THINGS will change. Shawn thanks for all the posts. Would you mind giving me your thoughts?

    • I’m not Shawn, but I definitely feel your pain and hope you don’t mind if I respond to you. I know that cold feeling that comes over you but if I were you I would pray for the Lord to give you an unconditional love for your daughter, a love only Jesus can give. That fine line between the love for your child and not for their sin is weird and can be difficult but I believe finding that balance will bind Satan claws on our kids and bring them eventually to god when they come to the end of them selves. Blessings, hugs and prayers friend ❤

    • Hi Honor,
      I appreciate Pam’s words to you, and she is right. I can also see why your daughter is jealous of her brother. It probably seems to her, that while you show your son unconditional love, you only show her conditional love. And to be fair, she has a point. As parents who believe & hold to what the Bible says about sexual expression, we need to embrace the fine line of balancing love & truth. Helping your daughter out when she needs help, and even supporting her and her family, does not mean you have to accept her choices as non-sin. Just as Jesus came and died for us out of love despite our sin, so we must love our children. This is hard to do, I fully understand; but I firmly believe it’s what God calls us to do with family, friends, and strangers who are gay. They need to experience His presence and love within their lives … and God wants to do this through you. Thoughts?

  126. Please help! About 3 weeks ago, our VERY conservative Christian 15 year old son came out to myself and his father as gay. We have 2 sons and I have often joked that they have a second mommy in their father because I have yet to see a dad more devoted to his children. We have gone through many emotions and while being as honest as we can be, are trying our best to let our son know NOTHING could change our love for him. That being said, in some ways we are grieving. I felt like from the beginning it would be okay and all work out. My husband , on the other hand, immediately began such an intense grieving such as I have never seen from him and we have been a couple since I was 13 and he was 16( we are now 37 and 40). He has done an unbelievable amount of researching, crying and NOT sleeping. On the positive side, he did get us scheduled for
    family counseling, something he never ‘believed in’ before, As we both realized this is WAY over our heads. Today I had a kind of break down with some rather heavy crying, and though I truly feel NO less love toward my son, I just do not know how to help him. He is fussy and moody ( like most teens I have known) but my husband I and both have let him get by with a little more since his revelation. My husband is actually making quite an effort to spend time with him and has even done our sons chores a bit. Is this ok? I know things will never go back to before, but how do we move forward in a positive direction. Any help or advice given sincerely is appreciated :-).

    • Jhowell002, I would love to talk to you. My husband and I know exactly what you are going through. All I can say is press into Jesus! There is this place in Him that your burden will be light! Press in until you get there! Hugs

    • Hi JHowell002 … some questions: how is your son’s relationship with Christ? does your son want to pursue his same-sex attractions? It seems you both have been “saying” all the right things. The beginning is never easy – for anyone. With your counseling, what type is it? Where are you from?

      • Shawn,
        His relationship with Christ, I feel, is at best uncertain. As a family we have not always done all we should have to nurture this. I do not know that he wants to pursue same sex relationships but he must as he has told me he does not think there is anyone who he likes here. The counseling is just a general counselor, it has been hard to find a Christian counselor. We are in Ohio. We are trying to go in the right direction, but have no idea what direction that even is.

  127. I am a Christian man who just mere moments ago found his only baby boy says he is gay. I was cleaning his room as a surprise and found a note by accident which also said he could not bare living with no peace in his life and that suicide is the only answer. Oh God please save my boy I love him so much. And help me to.

    • David, interceding in prayer for you and your son right now! In Jesus name I come against this threat of suicide. I pray that you will give David the words to say to his son. Let David’s son know that You are the only true peace. We will give you the praise in this situation which you will be victorious in! Thank you Jesus!

      • My wife and I met with him and I told him I was cleaning his room as a nice surprise since he has been working so hard at school, he’s a Sophmore in college. He was furious with me that I read it. I told him I put it back but that It fell out again and I believe God was telling me READ IT. I knew my son would be mad. He says it was awhile ago and he just hoped he would meet a girl a soul mate and put it all behind him. He says he feels attracted to girls and that he must be bisexual. My wife and I have wondered for awhile what has been hurting him so. In the past he was cutting, not eating, depressed. I would try and talk to him see if he would want to see a counselor alone but he refused. We have always been a Christian household but never did we force our religion or our beliefs on our kids. We told them what we believed and answered questions and let them make their own choices. When my son was 10 he told us he wanted to be baptized and accept Jesus as his Lord and Savior. Anyway he does not pray like he used too because he’s so confused. My wife and I told him we love him unconditionally as does God. I must be honest I am struggling accepting this. I always had dreams of my son and his son going fishing etc. Passing on the family name which all sounds so selfish but just honest. Some of he stuff he said now about getting picked on in HS now makes sense. He’s a very bright and good looking young man. Always well liked and well mannered by everyone. Then all of a sudden depression. Now the hard part begins I guess. Sorry I’m babbling.

    • Oh David you are not babbling, you are hurting and wanting to do the Christlike thing. I just had sit sit down and cry for your Family, i know the hurt, disapoinment and death of sorts You are going though. I’m amazed at all the similar feelings the parents on this thread have had to go through when they find out about their kids. You are way ahead of me in response and actions! It took me a couple weeks to get where you were in one day! This is a wonderful opportunity for you and your wife to get closer to the Lord and when that happens that’s when God makes paths clear. I promise! Do what ever it takes to get closer to the Lord. It will trickle down to your son in one way or another 🙂

  128. Hi my son is Twenty, He has told me and his father that he is Gay. We love him , and I’m trying to deal with it I hav avoided for sometime now hoping it would go away. It hurts like hell. I really didn’t want any parts of my Sons Partner. I didn’t want to meet him because I had/have so much anger towards him. I having feelings like he took my Son away from me his mother. I now feel I have to Accept this life style because my Son has just told me and his father he’s moving out. I’m divested.. Now I feel I’m kissing my Son for good I don’t want that to happen. I need someone to get me thru this journey. Thanks

  129. God will get you through. Here is what you must do: love. Love yourself, your son. He has made a decision. I am sorry for your hurt. I understand it completely. God loves both men. He loves you. Ask him to help you love, to be kind. That is what you want for your son. Our grief grows in fear. Fear of our failures, fear of what others will say, how God’s people will respond. Pray to know who will be open to you, arms open. You have friends who will be. You are not alone. I am praying for you.

  130. The article and the open dialogue that take place here is beautiful to see. I am so happy to see how people DO accept their children as they are, that not ALL parents deny their children identity. This warms my heart. Cheers! Alexandre

  131. I cannot leave my name and trust that you wont publish my email address. May Our Father in heaven bless you for writing this article. If only we had read it earlier maybe the outcome of our tradegy would have been different. My son committed suicide because his father refused to accept that he was gay after our son “came out” to him. I miss him everyday. This article should be a required read for everyone. Thank you!

  132. Tonight, my teenage daughter told me she was in a relationship this another girl. I am heartbroken. She says she likes boys, too. She also says that she believes that homosexuality can be a choice. She says she has chosen to have a relationship with her classmate. The other girl say she’s strictly a lesbian. I love my daughter. I will always love my daughter more than anyone could ever know, but I cannot accept her choice or her ‘relationship’. I do not and will never believe that God made her this way. I told her that she had to tell her father and her grandmother herself and that I would not do it for her. I have done nothing but cry this evening. I cannot sleep.

  133. When my 14 yr old daughter told us she was bi and then gay and had a girlfriend, I felt like you do. I cried, couldn’t sleep, was angry and devastated. That was 2 years ago. Since then I’ve developed a closer relationship with God. I talk with him every day, several times a day and thank him at the end of each day that He got me through. He has given me peace to get through each day and whatever my now 16 year old daughter throws at us. I pray that God will give you peace. Remember, He is walking with you through this. He is caring for both you and your daughter and He understands your hurt and her hurt as well. Give this to God for He is the only one that can heal us. He is working in your life and your daughter’s, open up to Him and allow Him to give you peace. Your daughter will need to make the choice to open up to Him as well.

  134. Heartbroken Mom, God wants you to live an abundant life in spite of the curve balls Satan throws at you! We are more than conquerers through the blood of Jesus Christ! You may not feel that way right now, but fighting for that abundant life Jesus promised is so well worth it! Then that “life” will trickle down to your daughter in one way or another. Blessings friend!

  135. A few years ago my daughter Kassie cut her hair short and started dressing more male like….it didn’t overly concern me I am not a fru fru type woman and dress very basic and have always been outdoors type and was a tomboy growing up. Kassie is now 23 and tonight because I pushed her she came out and said she is gay. I pushed because her “best friend” looks like a guy and they seem very close and a Mom picks up on these things. I am a Christian and Kassie says she is one but says homosexuality is not wrong that it is love and God is love. I asked her did she believe in the Bible and she said yes so I pointed out that God says it is wrong in the Bible so either he is lying or she is. I know I didn’t handle this as well as I should have. I really like her “best friend” girl friend she is a sweetheart but I will never agree homosexuality is ok. My daughter left and went to her friends apt so now I am here alone to pray and ponder all of this alone. I am but my husband who was not a Christian but is now is in prison. I think Kassie has severe trust issues with males due to her Dad committing a crime at 47 he is now 53 and leaving us by going to prison so she chooses females instead now. She would never admit that. I am praying she will seek some help, this is new so I don’t know. I need others to talk to and reading your comments have helped. Prayers are appreciated.

  136. Something to be said for a blog that started so long ago and still has activity! First off, thank you Shawn. After some online research, it was your blog that I feel addressed most of my concerns, though I still have some questions going forward. Not only are Shawn’s words a help, but I have sat and read through many of the following comments. I’ve read, cried and smiled. There are some incredible people reading this blog. God Bless you all. I’m am really blown away. Before I get into my current story, share some thoughts and seek help, I’d like to share a little general insight I’ve gained…
    I am a 45 year old husband and father, but for some reason, I’ve never forgot what it was like to be a kid (maybe b/c I still act like one at times! lol). My parents were strong Evangelical Christians and raised my sister and I as such. I am still VERY strong in my faith. I was a good kid by most standards, though my folks might argue that. You see, I never did drugs or drank and I’m a heterosexual. Aren’t those the biggies? And yet, I chose to rebel against them b/c of them being so strict. Not only did I rebel, but I didn’t further my education. Compared to what my parents saw in their close friends children, I must have been a failure. I’m sure my parents had similar thoughts that many share on this blog. “I thought we raised him better than this!” “What did we do wrong?” Anyway, the reason I bring this up is to say, my parents gave me a very strong foundation in the faith. It’s b/c of that foundation I’ve stayed afloat through many difficulties and trials in my life. The bulk of which have included, but not limited to those of the financial variety. Partly due to my own making, I’m sure. Had I finished college, I may not have these headaches! Yes, they raised me right. All the mistakes they made as parents (and they did, just like all parents do, just like I do) they got the most important thing right. They started me on my walk with Christ. That has been the only thing that has sustained me through life’s trials and tribulations. Don’t loose faith in God. What you have instilled in your children is not for not. You gave them a foundation. They may wander away for awhile, but because of the firm ground you built them on, they will always hear that ‘still small voice’. Maybe they can’t hear your voice anymore, but that still small voice will always be there, calling them back to Him. Please Lord don’t ever give up on our wayward children! Kids that are not brought up in a Christian home have a hard time recognizing that quiet voice and may find it easy to ignore. I hope that voice will always be a pest to my son until he chooses to recognize homosexuality as a sin.
    This is getting a bit long so I’ll “Post” and continue on the next…

  137. So now onto my situation. We are a family of three. My wife and I and our son. We too have raised our son in the faith. He loves the Lord God and tries to be a good Christian. “Bill” is a great student, doesn’t do drugs or drink. Before he started 6th grade, he got very sick. Many trips to the doctor and some weekends at the hospital, they couldn’t figure out what was wrong. He was up all night because of severe stomach pain. He couldn’t lay down to sleep b/c it hurt so. My wife, who has Cronic Fatiuge would stay up with him until about 1am. That’s when I’d come home from work and sit up with him for the rest of the night. Due to this “Mystery Illness”, he missed about two thirds to three quarters of the school year. We were all suffering together as to what could be ailing him. Took him to shrinks and specialists. Finally, after many months he was diagnosed with IBS. Now, why it took so long for such a common, popular diagnosis is a story for another time… Once diagnosed and properly medicated, he started living a full life. He was such a great son. Our only complaint was he didn’t spend much time with friends being social. A couple/few years after his diagnosis, “Bill” and my wife were spending a weekend at her Dad’s when “Bill” let it slip that he thought he might be gay. This devastated him because it was supposed to be his big secret. He never liked sharing what goes on deep inside of him. This was obviously a mistake to let this slip out, in his mind. It took a few weeks to find the time for my wife to share this painful news with me and then for us to sit with him. It tore my wife up. He is our only child. Her only hope for Grandchildren. I, on the other hand, don’t tend to get worked up until there’s really something to worry about. He said he THOUGHT he was gay. That was enough to give me hope. When we sat with him, we shared our Love, as we always do and told him we would be with him on this journey. We knew how difficult it was for him. Once he shared with us, he seemed to have the weight of the world lifted from him. He stopped his meds and felt great! We used this situation as a teaching tool (and still do) about the importance of talking and sharing. How keeping things bottled up can wreck us inside. And yet we still have to fight to drag things out of him. Sometime later I checked in with him on how things were going. After some difficult prying, he finally shared his research from the internet on how homosexuality really isn’t a sin. This blew me away and I did my best to correct him. The problem is, I’m no theologian and he is a very bright child. I know he is mislead, but I struggle correcting him. Since that last talk, my wife and I have prayed for him and have wondered if the evil one has got him fully in his grasp yet. Was he still wondering or was he convinced that “how can Love be wrong?” How can God teach his children Love and yet make it a sin for him to Love another of the same sex?
    “Bill” is 16 now. A few weeks ago while he was seeing a couple friends to the door, my wife heard what sounded like a kiss. She just happened to be opening the door to the front hall and he was there, alone with the other boy. The girl had already gone out to the car. I think at that point, our son didn’t know he had been heard. A few days later, my wife shared this with me and it was time to set up another sit down our son. Once again, it was like pulling teeth to talk to him. We approached him with calmness and yet he got very aggressive. That was the first time we spoke with the knowledge that he had given in to the temptation. I guess I know now we could have handled it better. My focus was soley on the sin. It didn’t go well. It’s been a few weeks since then and my wife and I have gone through most of the feelings shared by others. The next day I came home from work I could barely face him. I felt like everything had changed. I was sick. My wife, having gone through a lot of these feelings prior was a great help. She prayed with me. I knew I needed to Love him, but I just couldn’t face him yet. I needed to get myself right before I could look at him. That was a very uncomfortable evening. I guess in a weird way, I’m fortunate to be working so many hours trying to make ends meet because this gave me time where I didn’t have to face him much. I did a lot of praying and the good Lord brought me to a place where I could finally treat him with the same Love as I had before.
    We haven’t talked much about it since, but that’s just as well. My own internet research has helped me to grow in understanding. This blog has been invaluable and I’ve just purchased a book that should help me understand more of what the Gay Christian movement is about. Eventually I hope to be more educated on the subject and maybe someday he’ll be at a point where he can turn to the Bible to seek truth instead of justification.
    I have had many questions through this process, but I guess many have been answered, or I know will be answered soon. But I do have one remaining that maybe someone could help with… Our son claims to be “Bi”. It’s hard to know if we can believe him b/c he frequently tells us what he thinks we want to hear. My wife and I hearts ache for him. For the possibility of him only being attracted to the same sex. If that ends up being the case and we someday are able to convince him to not give in to those desires, how can we help him with the inevitable loneliness that would follow. My wife really struggles with the fairness of it all. If anything could make her turn her back on God, that would be it. Is he destined to be alone the rest of his life? If that’s his future, he will need his walk with God to become much stronger.

    • TE praying for you and your son “Bill”. It is so hard to understand how our children could turn from what they have been taught. I pray your son will seek help from someone. Have you asked him about Christian counseling? We are very fortunate that our church offers counseling for same sex attraction and my daughter Kassie is going to go. Praying for healing for all.

      • Thank you for your prayers. Sometimes that’s al we have to go on… No, I haven’t talked to him about counseling. We haven’t talked about it much. I think he feels better when we ignore it. He doesn’t want to share with us, so it’s difficult to talk. Last time we spoke about it, he did say he wishes we would try to understand him. That’s going to be my next approach. Ask him if we can talk, not to criticize him, but to try to understand him. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s unsure himself and just going on how he’s feeling at a given moment. If we can talk about what he’s really feeling inside, both physically and emotionally, maybe we can both gain some understanding and take it from there. I’m not against counseling, just don’t think we’re there yet.

      • Talking with your son is a great first start, TE. I am not against counseling either, but it should be for the right reasons and with your son’s consent. Forced counseling never worked for me, and I doubt it would work for your son, too. Of course, God works wonders 🙂

    • TE, I would be happy to chat via email if you want.

      Will your son be alone forever? I pray he isn’t, even if he never gets married. I pray his family, church, and friend would surround him enough that he would not feel alone. Just because he has same-sex attractions – whether bi or gay, doesn’t mean he will never marry a female. And this is a hard part in trusting God, over trusting ourselves or even in our own expectations. He is the one that holds us, and everything, within the palms of His hands (Colossians 1:16-17).

      • Thank you Shawn for your thoughts. This has been a difficult time for us, along with the hectic holidays, there’s been major car repairs and several health issues. We are a bit overwhelmed trying to take things one day at a time. I really want to have another chat with our son, but unfortunately it has to be on the back burner for now. My hopes are, when we do finally get to chat again, I will be able to show love, compasion and a desire to understand. I’m hoping he will finally feel comfortable enough to share what’s really going on inside and maybe even do most of the talking. My fear is, it will be the opposite of that and he may get angry and lash out. I appreciate your offer to talk, depending on how our next conversation goes, I may take you up on it…

      • Hi Shawn,
        My church is Southeast Christian Church, Louisville, KY. My pastor is Dave Stone and his associate is Kyle Idleman,
        they are both men who love God first. Kyle wrote the book, Not A Fan, check it out sometime, good stuff.

  138. My daughter initially tried to hide that fact that she’s gay and in all honesty I believe I’m still in some sort of denial. I realize that I can’t make her live the life that I want her to live, she has to CHOOSE to live saved. I’m still hurt and even angry at times. I’m praying at this point for God to do a new thing in me because I fund it very difficult to even look at her sometimes. Before all of “THIS” cane out we has a beautiful relationship. An I can’t say that she’s changed, it’s mainly me. I need help with this, I really do!!! Please help me

    • Confused mom…..I completely understand what you are saying. My daughter and I are the same. Prayers for you and your daughter. Its not easy but we have to give our children to the Lord and trust Him…its the only way to have peace I have found.

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  141. I just want to thank you for this site and to all who have added comments here, I have tears in my eyes as I read some of your comments I shall be taking time this New year to read each one and to pray for you all as much as I can. I am a Mum of four children, my eldest son at the end of his time at university just this summer came out as Gay…..We have found it difficult to accept but the one thing I keep hearing is just to love, love and love a bit more, ‘ Love bears all things, Love never fails’ I believe there is a reason that we go through the things we do. In my heart I know I need to grow in Gods love more. I hope that I as a Mum can become a better more loving person through this, There is much I need to understand. My heart breaks for all the hurt and pain I read. God has a plan for each one of us, it may not be the one we were expecting but keep trusting, keep loving, don’t give up, God loves you.
    If anyone wants to write to me please do, I am from UK, Talking to others and knowing they care helps so much.

  142. I am struggling with the new knowledge of my daughter who is sixteen is bisexual and she states she has had these feeling since elementary school around the 5th grade. My daughter is 16 and it was through discernment that I found out she was bisexual. I am angry and I have not handle the information the way it is advised here in “Loving Your Gay Teen” To be frank I did all the things the article advise not to do preach, give scriptures, tell her she need to seek God to know who’s she is as far as being a child of God professing him in her life. Telling her she will not engage in that life style while living under our roof, she confused. as well as blame myself which I am still doing, She told her father and I that she feels we are a shame of her and true be told I am. This is the first time I have admitted this and I am numb. I have called out to God for help for a peace in my spirit but I am still angry and can’t accept it. I know I have damage my relationship with my daughter. And I don’t know if I can repair it with her. I want too but I am so angry and don’t know how to go about repairing our relationship. I am hurt that she shared her sexual orientation with so many other people before her father and I. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Hi Angel Rob. Sorry for your current situation. I told of a similar story of my son earlier in this blog / forum. (shows how tech savvy I am! Don’t even know where I post!) It was one of the most painful things we could have learned about him. For me, it was just below a police officer visiting the house to say he had been in a horrible accident. I always thought I would rather him on drugs or an alcoholic. I would almost rather he be a poor student than gay. My wife and I were reeling when we got the news. As time started to pass, the Lord gave my wife more time to process what had happened. I was so busy with work, I would agonize over it without having the time to deal with it properly. Eventually, we’ve come to where we are now. With God’s Grace and guidance, I’m sure you will too. As Christians, I think we are programmed on some unconscious level to believe homosexuality is the worse sin ever. How utterly awful to desire to be with the same sex. One of the first things my wife shared with me that really helped me to start looking at things from a better point of view was, sin is sin. No sin is bigger than another. How would you deal with a child that steals, or a toddler that hits another child b/c he / she wants what they have? In the end, they are all sin. The biggest message that came out of this wonderful web sight, for me anyway, was to show Love and Compassion to my son. The kind of Love Jesus has for ALL us sinners. For me, that has started with trying to educate myself on the Gay Christian movement. My son love’s the Lord and doesn’t want to displease his Savior. My son doesn’t want to live in sin. After poking around the net, he feels that homosexuality is not a sin. I am no theologian, so trying to go toe to toe with him over that subject would be foolish of me without first learning more about where those beliefs come from. I want to show our son we’re on his side. If we lay down the law and run the home as a communist state (as I’d like to do at times!) we will drive him away and I’m sure he’ll seek acceptance in places we’d rather he avoid. At some point, you will get over the initial shock, and then it will be time so consider how to move forward. Move forward in Love, Patience, Kindness and Compassion. Your daughter is still God’s child whom he loves dearly and will never abandon. Nor should you. Right now you need time to prepare yourself to move forward. Right now, it’s all about you. With God’s help, you’ll get there, and when you do, it can then be about your daughter. Showing Love and Compassion doesn’t mean you accept all of her choices and it will put you in a better position to take this journey with her and hopefully she will eventually chose to not give in to ANY sinful temptations. Whatever they may be. The beginning is the worse. It should get a little better. You’ll get there as I did. I wish the best for you and your daughter. God Bless…

    • Thanks for commenting Angel Rob. The hard part, but a necessary one, is seeking forgiveness from your daughter. This does not mean that you have to forgo your personal convictions, but it does mean you reconcile with her in order to repair the relationship. What area of the country do you reside in? I am praying healing for your relationship with your daughter; and a strong peace from God to cover you and your husband as you begin to release your anger into His hands. God is able to do the impossible – trust Him.

  143. Our situation with our 13 year old son is one of confusion, concern and yet hope. There is confusion because he has told certain people that he is gay, but us that he is not sure. HIs effeminate mannerisms and some of his posts on Skype (which he no longer has) and on instagram make us think that he may be gay. He will tell me that he likes girls but thinks a boy is cute?

    The concern is that our son would never want to talk about “gay” issues until recently. He would bring up very non controversial subjects to see what I thought and I would ask him about his opinion and he would say that does not care. Our concern is that he may be seeing where I as his father responds. I told my wife if he does not care then why would he bring it up? He recently said that he will come out in high school and that kids are “more accepting” then in Middle School. We are concerned that at such a young age he is formulating his opinions about homosexuality and may come out soon.

    Despite that, we have hope. We know that if he does come out as gay, our son is open and the guessing would be over. We love our son and we accept him. I have had the benefit of going to a ministry an hour from us in Orlando that has helped me tremendously. They have even allowed our son to visit and watch the DVD series, “Generation XXX.” I have learned a lot about what it truly means to love someone, like my son who very well may be gay. My wife and I cannot do this on our own and only the Holy Spirit can guide us. We look at our son as a wonderful and beautiful creation that God made and gave us. We are also learning that as God has not rejected us even in our filthiness, why would we reject our son?

    It is not easy as Christian parents with a son who may come out as gay. We know that it is not easy to share and that sometimes we want to go in the closet. My wife and I are grieving in different ways. She does not want to deal with this and sometimes I walk around numb. Slowly, we are getting back into the battle. Our battle is not against our son but against those who will pull him away from Christ. i have told my son repeatedly, that even if he says that he is gay that the most important thing to do is to go after Christ. I want him to know that Christ loves him and died for him and is with him every step of the way.

    Finally, I encourage you to keep close to the Lord. Be prepared for a possible Wilderness experience. Despite that, keep walking in God’s love and favor and let him guide you. Ask the Holy Spirit for a verse or verses to hold onto. Always remember that you may be the only true witness of the gospel of Christ that your son or daughter will know.

      • I sent you an email. I truly see my son as a wonderful creation of God. God created him and how could I give up on my son knowing who he is in Christ.

  144. Thank you. We can never be told too many times it is vital and certainly permissible to LOVE our children. Your post is a blessing and comfort.

    • I appreciate that what I said is a blessing and comfort. I sometimes think that I have failed and that there is no way to overcome. But that is not true. If we truly understand God’s love, why don’t we learn to love our children. If my son does come out as gay, I still see him as my son. He is my son. God gave him to me and my wife. As parents we are to love our children. It is ok for Christian parents to love their gay child. It is ok to talk with him at the dinner table. It is ok to spend time with him at the beach. It is ok to pray with him. It is even ok to help your teenage gay child with an assignment. It is okay to do the day to day things with him just like you did the moment before he comes out gay. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

      • I’m having a hard time right now. I love our daughter, who is 16. What I find challenging are the times when she spends with her girlfriend and then comes home and won’t show affection towards us. She’s told me that she can’t show me affection, that she finds it weird. This is very hurtful for me and I struggle with this because when she doesn’t spend time with her girlfriend, she will come to me for hugs and kisses and even initiates cuddling. It’s a roller coaster of emotions for me. She spent the day with her girlfriend yesterday and when I went to say good night to her she got very annoyed with me and this morning she practically ignored me and wouldn’t give me a hug or kiss good bye before she left for school. She did mumble under her breath, I love you, but other than that totally ignored me. I had to give this to the Lord this morning because I was in tears and just so hurt.

  145. My 12 year old son has announced that he’s gay. I am very distraught, confused, and no there were no signs. Also, he is an atheist. He is very outspoken, disrespectful, and has very adult like thinking, but he’s only 12. Help!!!!!!!!

  146. My beautiful 24 year old daughter came out to us not long after she graduated from college. We hugged her, told her we loved her and the next day she moved out west. We are still struggling with how we are going to deal with this in the long run, but we have made it clear to her that we have not changed our belief that homosexuality is a sin for the convenience of circumstance. I tried very hard to make sure that that she could not miss the fact that we are her parents and love her unconditionally. She did threaten to cut us out of her life, but has backed down from that position. It was almost as if she was primed to hear rejection from us, but of course we just kept saying “I love you” over and over. One thing we realized that your article confirms: It is not my job to reconcile her to God– it is his. It is not my job as a mom to find blame in myself. My wonderful husband was the one who talked me down from that place– more than once. The world is full of sin and shame– none of it is worse than any other. Her sin is not worse than mine. Sin separates us from God and it is by his grace that we live, breath and are saved. So now– my daughter and I talk regularly. As far as I know, she has no girlfriend.( She informed me that her college girlfriend broke up with her) I affirm my love and God’s love for her almost every time we text or speak. I pray for her continually. About six months before she graduated, she was in a horrible accident– She was on her bike and was hit by a car. I keep reminding her that God saved her life for a reason. I think she listens to humor me, but she hasn’t rejected the notion– at least not to me. So that is what is happening– I apologize for running on. Have I quit crying about this? Has her Daddy quit crying? no But the two of us are muddling along living our life for our Lord as best we can and trusting that he has a plan that will come to fruition in his time. Thanks for your site.

  147. Margaret,

    Your situation is so similar to mine in that my oldest daughter informed me that she was gay just over a year ago. I was heart broken and still am but I had to get to the place where I realized that her sin was her’s and her relationship with God was her’s and not mine. Once I got my mind around that it has been easier to be with her and talk to her. Like you I continue to pray over her daily and remind her often that God’s plan for her is amazing and that He wants only the best for her which is not to live in and same-sex relationship. She hears me and has even made comments that she knows that but she doesn’t know how to move out of the relationship because she loves her… I know God will show her the way and I have to keep trusting HIM and only HIM to see her through. Praying for you, your husband and your daughter that God will give you peace and that He will give her direction! God is faithful! ALWAYS!

  148. It’s the same story over and over again (including my own with my daughter) I just want to say that no matter what our kids do or how bleak it seems, or how painful our journey is, God has promised we could have an abundant life! I would encourage you to press in to The Lord and figure out how that works in your situation. I promise it’s there waiting for you! Blessings friends!

  149. Regina and Margaret like both of you I have come to realize that my daughter Kassie, who says she is a lesbian, has to work this out on her own with God. I cant fix it for her or reconcile her to God. I also realized when I try to convict her that I am trying to be God and I need to let Him be God as only He can and only God can convict Kassie or anyone else of their sin. I have decided to just be Mom and to love Kassie like no other and to let her see Gods love shining in me. It is so hard at times and I am one that just wants people to see their wrong and fix it, now!! so I need much prayer and will pray for you guys!

    • God bless you, you are Christ to her in your love. I will tell you this is more than your daughter you can let Him work on you in this. What is he trying to teach you? It might be He is teaching you to lean on Him. He might want you to be able to reach other lives that are living this lie. You might not have ever crossed anyone that you could lead to Christ because of your love and compassion for you daughter and your relationship with her can give you the tools.. God keep you, let the Lord work on you. Dig deep, spend time each day with Christ, lean not unto your own understanding.

  150. Thanks P. Prayers for you too and all posting here. Being the parent of a gay child is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and I have a grown child that is an addict but clean now but this is harder than that!

  151. I am praying for each parent that is going through this with a child. My daughter is now 36 and living the lie of homosexuality. She has been in numerous relationships. Today she flew from Texas to Hawaii to get (married), She called me a few nights ago to tell me, it was very hard for her. My daughter knows my beliefs. She knows what I stand on,the word. My daughter knows the word. I can not tell you the pain and nightmare I have seen her go through because of this lie over the years. While we talk in this world, as though the only thing at cost here is there earthly life, I would tell you her eternal life, is a major concern to me. My daughter and I have a relationship that no one but us understands and that is our love for each other and how we can have a relationship when we are so very far apart on her lifestyle. My answer is Christ.These last few days have been horrific. Yet God has not failed me he has not failed my daughter. I will never abandon her and in many ways my daughter not just in this issue but rather my own situations in life, since she was a little girl, has ever abandoned me. Sin is sin, and none of us has been or will be without sin. The tragic part of this is this sin is her life. I would ask each parent this, if you are not Christ to your child who will be? If your child knows the word…….then I would say let His light shine through you. My daughter of her own accord has never been demonstrative of her affection even in her own home, letting whoever she is in a relationship know to not act out in any manner to make me hurt or be uncomfortable. When she told me about getting (married) I told her I know I had never said anything about it but I wanted her to know she respected me by not being demonstrative in front of me. I could tell that meant alot to her and she told me she never would. Today, the Holy Spirit spoke to me, He called me to work on me………to let Him touch me that he would lead me. I had focused so long on how to reach her and what to do that to hear Him speak this to me was a blessed relief. So……I will dig deeper into the word, work on my personal walk with Christ and see where He leads. God is good and faithful. To come to this site and read the life of homosexual is not the issue but rather what drove them to this choice, homosexualuity is the result. That is the first time I heard that. It was a light bulb moment. I was a liar sense I was a child. Little lies big lies I told them all. Not out of need but why. God worked on me and I allowed him to. I realized that I had to break down, where did it start? Why did I do it? It was a complete liberation to turn to Christ and have Him help me. This sin is no different and reading this here is a weight off me. I realize now that my daughter is living this lie because of issues she has. I also want to share what God told me along time ago use scripture to speak over this. I can not change my daughter and God won’t ( we have the gift of choice). God is also not a God to lie, so when we use His word to speak into the situation we can trust He will do what we speak. I call out laborers across her path, softening of her heart, and warring angels of protection around her. I know God is doing what I pray. I thank God for your ministry. You are a true example as to God taking a situation that was dark and turning it to light. To God be the mighty everlasting glory.

  152. Our 18yr old son came out as soon as he graduated high school last year. We grew up in a Christian home, very traditional family and was shocked and can’t explain the hurt we felt when he told us. No matter how hurt we felt, we told him over and over that we love him very much even if he’s gay and we’ll be in it together. He is now a college freshmen, living in a dorm and we’re concerned about him being descriminated now, and in the future, especially since he’s pursuing a degree in education and wants to be a teacher.
    We have not talked to anyone, not even our extended family as we, his dad, his brother and myself, are still trying to process this.
    What concerns us is that everytime we go out as a family, he started wearing a rainbow bracelet/accessories that draws attention. It is like telling everyone, whether he knows them or not, that “Hello and I’m Gay” and we think that this might get him into trouble.
    Can anyone suggest on how we should handle this and what can we say to him without offending him?
    We live in a conservative community and as parents, all we want for our children is to be safe and healthy, and we are concerned about his safety if he will continue to get their attention.
    We are not ready to tell our relativeneed someone to talk to and we have not found any resource in our area we live. He mentioned something about Pflag. Is this a good resource?
    Please help us!

    • Mads:

      We have a similar concern with our 13 year old son who has SSA and has told others that he is gay. We are concerned about the bullying and the discrimination. That can’t be changed. What my wife and have accepted is our son as a person. Even though he has not “come out” he acts effeminate in public. It bothered us at first but we are use to it. As for others, you can’t worry. Saying that, let him tell you how he views the world. Let him express himself about how he sees it. Then, you tell him that even when the world is cruel and unforgiving that you are not. We have had this discussion with our son. Find common ground as well. I tell my son I agree with Jim that gays should not be picked on and that he has a voice. Remember, we can disagree but not hate one another.

      The most important thing is to be there for your son. He should know deep down that even though you may not agree with his choices and approve of them, but that you won’t hurt him.

      Hope this helps.

    • Hi Dee,
      I think it’s OK to ask your son to not tell anyone until you are ready to deal with the reaction. While he has had time to process things, he needs to give you the same. Additionally, how others respond to your son – like family members and church friends, shouldn’t concern you. By this I mean, you can’t stop their reactions, but you can stop their reactions from doing any harm to you or your son. He is your child, and nothing changes that. Family and friends need to understand this.

  153. Like many folks here, my wife and I are struggling with a teenager that feels he is gay. I think he’s having a hard time understanding his own feelings, so he hasn’t officially “come out”, but he really is looking for homosexuality to be OK in God’s eyes. In an earlier post, I shared our story which seems quite similar to others here. I’m at the point now, of trying to grow my own understanding of homosexuality. Not as it relates to the Bible and sin, but maybe more just an understanding of what it is and/or it’s roots. I thought that this might be a good venue to pose some of my questions. Maybe others have the same questions? Maybe others have some thoughts and input into my queries?
    At this post I will raise the question that I have struggled for a long time. Long before my son started with his feelings. Is a person BORN a homosexual and therefor not CHOOSING to be a homosexual? I know those that many who live in the world would say without a doubt, yes! When I would discuss these issues with friends and family, I would argue, definitely not. My argument was ‘how can one be born to sin?’ To not have the choice to sin or not. I know we are all born sinners. But I can choose to steal or not to steal. I can chose to kill or not to kill. If I am to believe what the world believes, a homosexual can not chose to not sin because it’s who they are. Much like a person can not chose to like brussel sprouts. What are the thoughts of an educated Christian community? I always assumed homosexual feelings were the sole result of environment and / or upbringing. Now, watching my son, I realize my theories were that of an ignorant, uneducated person.
    Like many here, he was brought up in a Christian, God fearing home. My wife and I have a healthy relationship and neither of us have beat him or abused him in any way. I know I question if things maybe had been done differently. Maybe put my foot down when he was a toddler watching too many musicals with his mother! Mostly acting out the parts of the female leads. Guess I should have brought him to some Tractor Pulls and wrestling matches to balance out her influence?! Of course I say this half joking. But only half,,,
    What are the thoughts of this community? I’d love to hear. Depending on how this goes, I will pose other questions. Compassion and Love can be made stronger through understanding. I hope this helps to further mine!
    Thank you in advance for sharing…

    • TE:

      I grew up in a fairly Conservative Christian household. My father was a Presbyterian Minister and mom Pentecostal. Both bible believing and into the gifts, etc. I have believed pretty much what they have. Saying that as I am a husband and a father in a very different world then my parents I have to say some of my views on issues and beliefs change.

      With a 13 year old son who struggles and has SSA, I too have posed questions like whether someone is born gay? Well, I can’t nor anyone can say with 100% certainty that that is the case. One of the mistakes that we make is that we like to label one another. Someone is short, someone is big, someone has red hair, someone is loud, etc. These are descriptions but not describe who the person is on the inside. (My 13 year old has told me that he hates labels).

      As for your statement as to whether God views homosexuality as being “ok” that is God’s doing. Your son may struggle with this because what he has been taught by you and your wife was not in vain. I told my son that no matter what “label” he chooses, please seek out Jesus. Ultimately, your son, just like mind will choose who they are. And you know what, many of our choices do change and do not last. They too will change as their life becomes real.

      My wife and I have finally taken a step back from “questioning” our son’s sexuality and have decided to go on. For me, I have curtailed my eduction for now. I will tell you that I found myself drowning in questions with very so many answers that it was affecting my health. I now look at my son as simply that-my son. I don’t contemplate too much on whether he is gay or not. (Personally, my wife and tend to think that he ultimately may identify as gay). No matter what we will love and accept him for who God put into our lives. God created our son just like your son. Neither is a mistake and Jesus took their sins on the cross.

      Finally, some questions may never be answered. If they are it may not always be the answer we want to hear.

      • I appreciate your answer, your attitude, and your honesty. I grew exhausted looking at answers. My son is gay. I love my son. I have boiled my invitation to Jesus to two mandates: love God and love people. My life is mine. My son is an adult and I cannot live his life. I do not share my situation with many people, but not once has anyone rebuffed me or denigrated my son. I appreciate that. Thanks for your encouragement and your spirit. I look forward to posts from parents here. I pray for others and I derstand the depth of their anguish. I also have seen in my life greater humility and love for others. You are in my prayers. Thanks again.

    • Hi TE,
      I appreciate you asking questions, and I appreciate others responding to you. In my opinion, I don’t believe I was born gay, as in I have a gay gene, but I do think there was something that didn’t connect right. This is layman’s speak for I’m not sure what really went on. Beyond the brain, though, I do believe several others things played into my coming out as gay. My home environment and upbringing, the way my peers viewed me as a man, the influence of society, and my own insecurities. I wasn’t the typical teen boy. I wasn’t good at sports. I didn’t chase girls. I felt inferior to my male peers. I liked to write poetry at the local diner, I loved to watch musicals and love stories, many of my friends were girls, I hated playing rough or getting dirty. I was called “gay” before I even really knew what “gay” was, and before labeling myself as “gay.”

      The hard part about homosexuality, is that we cannot pinpoint to a specific causation and say, this is why a person is gay. There are multiple reasons. As Nathan suggested, sometimes we need to move on from this question because we’ll never truly know why our child deals with same-sex attractions. However, please continue to ask questions 🙂

      • Thank you, Shawn, for sharing a bit of your history. My weeks are very busy, so I don’t have a lot of time to go into things as much as I’d like, but I did want to respond to Nathan’s and your comments on moving on from that question. I do realize that question could be hotly debated and no-one knows for sure. I certainly have no intention on dwelling on it until I find the one positive answer, but I am curious how the Christian community views it. Though I know many Christians, I have not personally known any that dealt with this issue. At least outwardly anyway. So I feel I’m in the dark as well as coming to learn I’m a bit ignorant as well. This is the only place I could think to ask. I’m also ignorant to forum / blog etiquette, so I didn’t know if it was appropriate. Thank you for your encouragement to ask further questions. I know in my times of prayer, so many come to mind. Of course, when I have time to sit and read / write, they escape me! Guess I’ll have to start taking notes during Quiet Time! I feel the more educated I can be on the subject, the less foreign it will be. The less foreign it is, the better I’ll be able to relate to our son. Thanks again, God Bless…

  154. Nicey:

    I think about Christian parents who who struggle with this. For us it is even harder because our son lives under our roof. A 13 year old teenage boy is dealing with hormones and acne and being self conscious is challenging. Adding into the mix of my son questioning his sexuality (telling some people he is gay and us that he is confused) can be very large mountain for him to climb.

    My wife and I have decided to walk with him and not against him. We look at our son as a whole person and not by bits and parts. He is kind and sensitive and is hungry to learn more about Jesus. Even though he is generally not like most of the boys his age, he is our son. God created him and loves him. As his father, I must love him for who he is.

    This does not mean we agree on everything concerning homosexuality but that is ok. I want him to know that Jesus is with him and that he needs to keep Christ before him. I want him to know that his sexuality does not define him but who he is as a person.

    Nicey, you sound like a loving and compassionate person. Your son needs this in a world of hate and sin.

  155. I don’t know how other Christian communities respond but for me it has been such a relief to talk to other women, some with the daughters that are struggling with this issue and others that are just friends. In each situation I have recieved nothing but encouragement and loving words. I feel this is is truly how God wants us to respond. He loves us in our sin, He persues us even when we are away from Him. That is how I see my relationship with my daugther. I persue her with love and even though she knows my beliefs on the issue of homosexuality she also knows that my love for her prevails just as Jesus’s love for her (and me) prevails. The hope I have in Christ is what keeps me going forward and trusting HIM to show my daugher grace. Praying for all of you in this community for strength, peace and most of all to be surrounding by others that love you and your children.

  156. Shawn:

    My 13 year old told us last weekend that he is gay. We have been working with him since September of 2013 about his sexuality. Recently, he went out with a group of “friends” from middle school to see a movie. (He is taking his 8th grade on the internet). Anyway, a few weeks after seeing the movie one of the girls texted him and asked him if he was gay? He told me that these questions hurt him but that it gets better for him. Anyway, he did not answer. Last Friday, he was getting ready to go to the movies with pretty much the same group. I asked my son how he would answer the “gay” question if it came up. He said to me that he would tell them the truth which is that he gay. He said that he does not want to hide it anymore and this is who he us.

    He did tell my wife and his sister. He says if asked he will no longer hide it. He says that this is who he is and that he wants to be himself. He is not angry or spiteful and is wanting to go forward with his life.

    We told him that he is choosing a hard life but that we love him and support who he is as a person.

      • Thank you Shawn. Our son seems less tense around us since speaking with us. He still considers himself to be a “loner” and is still quiet. In the past, he has generally hung out with the kids who are not popular. My wife and I suspect that he wants to fit in when going into High School and telling others that he is “gay” gives him acceptance that he wants from his peers. He is very particular about who he wants as his friends. Unfortunately, he distrusts the “Christian kids” the most.

        We pray for him and with him and we love him even more now. We hope that The Lord will reach him where he is at and he can see that even if he has these attractions to the same gender his whole life that he can also go after Jesus.

        One more thing. I have your older book on “Ministering to Teenagers” and it has and is a great resource!

  157. Shawn

    Our 13 year old son came out to the world online. I got call from his YP (who incidentally I gave him your book some 5 months ago) about the post. He wants to meet with me and my son and explain to him that he is not allowed in leadership. I understand. But the YP has not read your book and likes to talk over people. I am concerned that my son is going to get the “being gay is a sin” speech. My son volunteered at another church and we as a family had to leave. Now this. My son is becoming distrustful and upset at churches and Youth Group. I knew that this wil come. I see that the more rejection he sees from the church the more he may not want to be in church. He has already stated such.

    My wife and I really suspect that this week may be a storm for by questions and comments and opinions from friends and ministers. We are struggling here. Part of me wants to give up on church right now. Another part wants to go out and stop fighting and be pro gay rights down the line and get love and acceptance from others.

    I know I am complaining and being unreasonable but any suggestions would be great. We feel that we are in this alone. I do not want to go into the closet because my son has cone out. I have hope that God will guide. We are in a territory that is foreign to us now!

    Please keep us in prayer.

  158. Reading this has kinda help me. I have a son who came out a year ago. He told me in a text that he was gay. For years I talked bad about gay people. How I wouldn’t know what to do if I ever had a gay son. All these years my son was gay and I never knew. He tried to have heterosexual relationships,never last long. Our biggest issue I’m not ready to meet the person he’s in a relationship with. So it makes him feels like I don’t completely accept him. I’ve explained to him how much I love him and accepts him but not ready to meet a partner. I just don’t know what to do!! Help,I love my son so much!!

    • Nisa:

      My wife and I have gone over certain scenarios about what we would do if our son wants a boyfriend. Or what we would do if he wants to get married. There are many issues to consider. You have to take them one at a time. This is a process. The first thing is pray to God for peace. From there if you can, speak with him and ask for his forgiveness about speaking “bad” against gay people. I have told my son that I love him immensely and that I accept him for who he is. What I mean by accepting him is not his sexual orientation alone but who he is as a person. I have told him that we may not agree on every aspect of homosexuality but that does not mean that I love him less. I have told my son that I have things to figure out just like he had to prior to coming out.

      As for meting his boyfriend, that is your call obviously. Our rule is that our son cannot have a boyfriend until 16 and they cannot be more than a year apart. Certainly, no boyfriend who is basically a jerk and who is not someone who respects himself, my son or my house rules. Same rules apply to him as with our daughter’s boyfriend. Here is the other issue to consider, if you say no way, it still does not stop him from having a boyfriend and it could push your son further away. It is a delicate issue. In the end, I would rather know my son’s boyfriend and be a witness then not know him and have a son who may not want contact.

      I will be praying.

  159. My son is married. The parents of his partner do not acknowledge him. It is like he is invisible to them. Even when they are in the same room. Because you love your son, consider asking God to help you love all of the people in his life, to be an ambassador for Jesus to them. I have surrendered to loving people. I want my son valued and appreciated and i pray to treat others the way i want my children treated. I will trust The Lord to make changes in hearts and lives. . He has started with me. I will pray for you. I fully understand your situation. I pray peace and overflowing love that you desire to share because you are so confident in our Savior and His love for all people. Blessings to you.

  160. Thank you!!! This means a lot just to know you’re not alone. I will be praying that god opens my heart to forgive myself first.

  161. I have 3 children. They are all adults. I first found out about my son being gay early on. We just never spoke on it because he knew his father and I disapprove of this life style. We believe it goes against everything we believe in how Christians should live their lives. Then our middle daughter comes out and says she is gay… Then my oldest daughter who was married and has our only grandson divorced our son n law after 9 years and says she is gay. We just do not know how to process this. It has caused problems with my oldest daughter because she does not understand why I won’t include her friend over to my home when I have bar-b-ques . My other 2 seem to respect our wishes and they don’t ever bring anything up . I don’t agree with this lifestyle at all but I want to say to my kids if your in a serious relationship I would allow your friends to my home but then in the same breath I feel like I am caving in and going against everything I believe in.

    • I totally understand the idea of being caught between wanting the love and embrace your child but feeling like you have to throw out everything you have ever said you believed I the process. A friend on mine who has a gay son shared a book with me which was very helpful with my thinking about this. It is called Love is an Orientationand is by Andrew Marin. This book and a lot of prayer and support from friends has helped me to walk this line and trust that God is still at work in my son’s life, even when I can’t see it right now.

  162. Sue and Debbie and anyone else….there is a book by David Lomas called The Truest Thing About You and it is so good. It challenges anyone saying their identity is who they desire or who they sleep with …it brings out the point that our identity as humans is that we are made in the likeness of God as the Bible says in Genesis and that all other things shift and change. Its a great book!

  163. A year ago, my son was dating a girl and wanted to experiment with other women. To do so, he tried to break up with her. She said they could experiment together. They met the now girlfriend on a 3-some hook-up site. The current girlfriend is bi-sexual, curses and says sexually inappropriate things on social media, and has a history of dating older men. I have two children, my son who is 24 and a daughter 5. The first girlfriend had a multitude of issues but we loved her and had a relationship with her. After learning more than I ever wanted to know about the current girlfriend, I told my son I wanted nothing to do with her and not to mention her name around me. It’s been almost a year and he came to me and asked me to reconsider my stance. He wants me to have a relationship with her as he thinks the relationship has gotten more serious and may lead to marriage. I’m quite certain, this request is from her. In addition to the other issues, I have reason to believe she has borderline personality disorder. I have no desire to get to know her. No matter how charming, intelligent, etc she is, it doesn’t change how they met or her character. It also doesn’t change that with both of their issues, the relationship will never last. What is the Christlike thing to do? His Holiness would say to protect my 5 year old daughter and hedge my marriage from this Jezebel. I also do not want to appear OK with this relationship. Let me be clear, I do not blame her for my son’s decision to walk away from The Lord. I believe he is saved as I witnessed his salvation and saw fruit for many years after. I’m quite certain he is just searching his beliefs for himself in true prodigal fashion. I believe his rejection by the youth group due to his cerebral palsy and acceptance from the world greatly led to his walking away from God. In addition, he went to public college and was inundated with atheists beliefs. This girl is also an atheist.

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  165. My daughter came out to me about 6 months back. She’s 13. She came into my room in the wee hours of the morning and woke me.,she was crying and said she needed to tell me something but was afraid I wouldn’t love her. My first thought was someone had possibly abused her but I didn’t say anything. I pulled her over into my arms and told her she could tell me anything , that there was nothing she could say or do that would ever make me not love her. I reminded her that she was my miracle , the daughter God audibly promised me after a precious miscarriage and that Nothing could ever break the bond of love I felt for her.. She hung her head and with tears streaming down her face she said, ‘Mommy, I like girls the way you like daddy”. My heart felt like it would burst but I just hugged her as right as I could and told her that her confession changed nothing. She would always be my Angel and I would always love her.
    I do cry at times , usually when everyone else is sleeping. I don’t want her to see me upset because she had been through so mich before telling me, like self mutilation. I’m doing all I know to do, which is to love her unconditionally and pray . I did blame myself at first because I had always been vocal about how I felt the church as a whole mistreat Gays and Lesbiens. I didn’t say I approved of that lifestyle choice but I would often say that the church should be ashamed for making them feel unwelcome in the House of Hos. I thought I was teaching my child a sense of Christ centered compassion. Sometimes I wonder if I did the wrong thing, but no matter what she is my beautiful child. I fear what the afterlife might hold for her , but right now, I fear for her life due to the mean spirited nature of people. I’m afraid of the Hell others will cause her. I’m afraid of the hate she. Ought face. I want to protect her and don’t know how. My husband and I have 4 kids. She has only told he and I and I’ve not shared it with our other kids( she’s the youngest ) because I feel like that’s her choice to make when she s ready. But I’d also be lying if I didn’t say that there’s a part of me that is hoping this is just teenage curiosity. All I want for my daughter is for her to love and be loved. Some days are harder than others. I’m afraid for her. We love in such a awe fully cruel world and sadly Christians can be the cruelest of Ll. All I want is to be the best mother to her I can be and for her to know that she will always be my Angel.

    • I could not find my password so I had to make a 2 account. My daughter and I are still doing well. I do still worry about her and how others may treat her but I can’t control other people’s thoughts. She’s since told her brothers and they didn’t make a big deal about it. I agree that the church should treat homosexuals better. Standing on the side of a road holding a sign that says “GOD HATES FAGS” is certainly not the way we should be dealing with this. There is no way Jesus would have treated them like that . Saying things like that and being hateful in general does not exude the love of Christ. We are supposed to living a CHRIST like life. This attitude looks nothing like the Loving Father I know. If so the church would start a move of kindness and compassion. I’m not saying to condone it , but why would a homosexual ever want to step foot in a church after the way the church has treated them. So if it is indeed a sin, who will be held accountable for making them feel so judged that they just won’t go to church at all. I guess the church forgot, or doesn’t know that there are 76 laws listed in Leviticus.
      Do we still stone people? Do you wear clothes of mixed fabrics don’t eat animals with hooted feet and many more. So why does the church pick and choose what to follow?
      Jesus came to release us from the law. He paid our debt on the cross not just for straight people, or jewish people , or Asian people. He did it for every human being that has or will walk the face of this earth. He loved us soooo much that GOD Gave us his son to anyone for our sinful nature. Everyone of us sin on a daily basis. We don’t mean to , but we are a product of Adam and Eve sin is in our nature but GOD showed us compassion by sending us his son. The church needs to show compassion towards homosexuals. If he knew us when we were but a gleam in our parents eye, and he is all knowing and omnipotent , then I’m pretty sure that people being gay isn’t a SHOCK to him. I’m sure God knew that sin would be natural to us. His son paid that debt for us. He was the atonement for our sins. I’m sorry , I went off in a rant.
      My daughter and I are still very close . I’m glad I handled the situation the way I did. I’m glad the Holy Spirit was with me. She knows she can tell me anything and nothing will break that bond. I might not agree with her choice but she is still young . At any rate it wouldn’t matter because GOD gave me that child. She is a miracle. God didn’t give me my miracle for nothing. There’s always a greater purpose.

  166. Thanks for the info. My 19 year old son is not serving Jesus. I am a pastor and he knows my thoughts on homosexuality. I told him I love him with all my heart and would do almost anything to exercise this love but I can’t accept that lifestyle because God doesn’t accept it. He is in a relationship with a boy who now wants to come to our house. I am so confused of what to do. I want to maintain a relationship with my son which is deeply strained already but I just can’t welcome this guy into our house knowing the things they are doing. I know this will drive a much deeper wedge between my son and I and my daughters who are on my sons side. Any ideas what i can do?

    • Today is my first time on this website and I have read some of these posts. My son came out to me a year and a half ago when he was 15. I have been all over the place in how to “deal” with this. I have done EVERYTHING wrong! Do we sin ourselves? Do we invite all sinners to come? Are we being Christlike in our actions? What is the best example we can give our children our nephews and nieces, cousins, aunts,uncles and friends? Um…….its LOVE! Loving a sinner? What? How can I do that? Will it make them think we are ok with their sin? So I can only love my son if he’s a follower of Christ? These are all questions I’ve had. I’ve come to one (ok two) conclusions. I need to love my son no matter what and PRAY! God knows me and He knows my heart and where I am in my walk with Him and I need to get out of His way so He can do what He needs to do in my sons life in His timing(not mine). My son is hurting, he is destructive and it keeps getting worse. I am not helping my son, I am hurting him more. Your rules for your home should be for all of your children ( who probably are all dealing with some sin in their lives that you don’t agree with)and the rules should be the same. Are your daughters current boyfriends with out sin? Are they welcome in your home? Do you invite sinners into your church? Why wouldn’t you allow your son to invite his friend? Heck, you may be the only Jesus this young man(guest) ever gets to see in his life. I hope I’ve helped in some way because I know I have just helped myself.

  167. Wes, I think it is really raw right now and you are probably grieving a loss, like a death. I still haven’t met my daughter’s girlfriend and to be honest I hope I never have to. She lives in another state so it hasn’t been an issue. Not to be totally selfish but we as parents need time with God to hear what he says about what our words and actions should be. I think if we come before the Lord with an honest and humble heart he is going to guide us into a step by step journey. I believe it’s different for every situation. That’s my two cents anyway.

  168. On April 1, 2014, my son who was 21 at the time told me that he was gay. I thought my whole world had just turned upside down. I was crushed, and I cried like a baby. This is my only child. My heart is heavy. I’m tearing up as I write this. I love my son but not his choice of lifestyle. He has not
    told his father or stepmother about his lifestyle. I was angry with him for dumping this on me and not telling his father about it. He said that he does
    want his father who is a minister to preach to him or tell him how confused he is. I want him to tell his dad, and he said that if I feel that it that important for his dad to know that I can tell him. I’ve questioned my son. Has someone molested you? Why do you want to be this way? How long have you known? I can see this is going to be a long process. While I don’t embrace his decision, I also don’t want to push him away, or make him feel uncomfortable or unwelcomed in our home and he does talk to me. As hard as this is for me, I also know that my son is also struggling. Is there a support group for parents of homosexual adults so that I can try to understand my son. This is all so overwhelming at times and I’m bouncing all over the place emotionally. I have however been encouraged since reading the postings on this site. I never though that I would have
    to post such things on such a site as this. I am very thankful that such a site exists and I thank you Shawn and all the others for your encouragement and honesty.

  169. I’ve read through this and am deeply encouraged. i just only caught my daughter in an intinate moment with another girl. we were deeply raged by it however i might have done some things wrongly in handling the situation. i know that God will deliver as He is faithful and whatever happens from here onwards will be for His glory. my daughter still doesnt want to talk about it even though im supporting her in this situation. i am confused though as she is also talking about being attracted to boys.
    so how do I help and what sort of words should i use.

  170. My daughter who is 28yrs, old, married and has a little boy who will be 5 in June, just came out and says she is gay! I love her very much, i have so many questions. I am besides myself that she held this in for years, It has only been two days since she told me and I am not dealing with it very well.

    • I just hate that she hid this, it is killing me. I understand she had to come out when she felt comfortable. I would love and support her no matter what. I hurt for everyone involved, that is also a big factor for me.I am sorry to hear that your Mom was quiet, she dealt with it the best way she knew how. Although I am sure that did not help you any. It seems like your Mom is at a better understanding.[?]

  171. Hi Shawn,
    Thanks for the insightful article. I feel more supported already! Our parents have been very rejecting of our lesbian daughter since she came out 7 years ago. Unfortunately she would not respect our house rules after she turned 18 and we kicked her out. This wounded all of us and we have since made up with her. But our extended family who are local won’t come to birthday parties or any function where her trans-“boyfriend” is. We always have to choose. That hurts more than her bad choices. I love my family. But they are not at all helpful. Any ideas?

  172. My only child 17yr old daughter has chosen to be in a gay relationship. I cannot stop crying! I feel like a complete failure and that God has betrayed my faithfulness, actually im so angry i can hardly contain my self. Please pray for me

    • Jeanette, please email me at kurious298@yahoo.com I belong to a secret facebook group of Christian mom’s who have gay children. I know how alone you have to be feeling right now. Mama, trust me, things will get better! 🙂

  173. Jeanette, You stay strong! This is a choice, nothing to do with parenting! It has nothing to do with you,……Your daughter is finding her way, it may not be the way we expected, but we must respect the choice, and still be the very loving parent.

  174. Jeanette, Please don’t despair. God is faithful if we faint not. What I think you may want to pray for is for God to show up in a big way. My child claims to be transgender at 14 after spending the first 13 years of her life very feminine indeed. Maybe sample on Amazon “The Complete Christian Guide to Understanding Homosexuality: A Biblical and Compassionate Response to Same-Sex Attraction, By Joe Dallas (who left the gay life to marry a woman and dedicate his life to Christi) and Nancy Heche, mother of Anne Heche. Don’t forget to pray daily for God to show you how to help this situation as he would want you to. I would be happy to talk via email sometime, too. Blessings

  175. My daughter is 32 and has had several relationships this last one has been a very controlling relationship causing my daughter to felong that she should have nothing to do with us except when they needed money there just isn’t the space to explain the situation just please pray for us we have turned the situation over to Him but at times I pick up the problem again the information you have provided has been very helpful and reassuring God bless your ministers my daughter has been raised in the church since she was 18 months old

  176. I need books like this article to help parents and grandparents of children That are adult and not adult to get through this time in a Christian way. Please give me titles and author so I can order and share with a small group my husband and I are doing in our church. It’s ok to love your gay child. Hate the sin but love the child no matter how hold. Thanks for any help.

  177. I’m so glad this article is still posted. Our daughter (17.5) came out to us as bisexual this morning via a letter to her father and I. Our heads are spinning. I cannot stop crying.

    • Susan E i will pray for you and your daughter. i have sent in many prayer request to online ministries of all types and God is giving me peace. I would encourage you to do the same. I have also began praying and reading Gods word every time i think about my daughters choices. i am seeking a christian support group that i can meet with in the central florida area. If anyone has any knowledge of one please post it. thanks for all your continued prayers

  178. Consider Celebrate Revovery, a Christ centered 12 step program for people with habits, hurts, and hang- ups. Our hurts are deep and can be overwhelming. Some CR’s may have a group for parents, but you will find healing. I am praying for you, too, find a complete copy of the Serenity Prayer and commit it to memory. I have breathed it many times to keep going.

  179. Nicey, thanks for you post. God gave me Celebrate Recovery a year and a half before our son told us he was gay and I truly don’t know what I would have done without it. CR has been a lifeline of peace for me and has helped me give my son to the Lord and trust Him to work to change his heart. I highly recommend CR as a place where people can go to find love, acceptance and the tools to walk this journey of faith. Blessings!

  180. I am so glad to read theses posts. I am struggling and like most of you crying and in pain. Sadness and sorrow and worry. I feel pain when i see my daughter and yet (like all of you) I LOVE HER. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to process this. I don’t want to feel bad seeing her and spending time with her, but right now i just avoid her. Its not right that i do that, but i don’t know what else to do. Right now, i just cant accept this. I’m so confused, i dont know what to do. Please pray for me.

  181. My son just came out as gay. We are devastated. I was reading above and you say that homosexuality is not the root cause, what do you mean by this, what is the root of it. thanks

  182. I am at the same place many of you are and am so hurt and devastated by my daughter “coming out”. She did so a while ago, but I can’t accept it, I just can’t. She now dresses like a boy, cuts her hair short like a boy, acts like a boy and has decided she wants to change her name to a “gender neutral” name. She has mentioned researching gender-swap surgery. I am beyond destroyed. I didn’t raise my kids in the church environment, more open and less religiously focused and now wonder if that was a mistake. I can’t say anything to her or about the issue without her attacking me being a bigot and being discriminatory. I don’t understand what happened to my beautiful little girl and why she is trying so hard to be a boy. I have a son and she thinks I love him more than her, right now, I can’t be sure that isn’t a true statement. I am disappointed, frustrated, extremely depressed, have no one to talk too and to make everything worse, am currently serving overseas. I am supposed to return home for Christmas but right now, I don’t want to go unless she isn’t going to be there. I don’t think I can handle the stress of walking on eggshells around her while at home. I told my husband she needs to move out because I don’t want her lifestyle choices at home, I would like to be comfortable in my own home. I am so angry about everything right now. I have even considered having another baby to “try again”.. I just don’t know what to do, I feel betrayed and completely destroyed.

  183. Hi Tracy, I’m sorry to hear about your daughter. I’ve been through a similar experience a couple years ago. My initial feelings were very similar to yours. My stay at home wife told me I had it worse because while she could process and deal every moment of every day, I had to put my thoughts and feelings on hold to go to work. I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you being so far away. It’s hard to give advice when so many peoples situations can be so different, but one thing I would caution you against is making too many rash decisions this far ahead. Right now, just take one day at a time. Spend time in prayer, reading different internet posts and giving yourself time to process it all. We are a strong, God fearing, church going Christian family. When we got our news, it hit like a ton of bricks. I wanted out. I didn’t want to come home from work. I didn’t want to see him or talk to him. I immediately felt a huge divide between my only child and myself. Things can get better, that’s why you don’t want to make any big decisions based on how you feel now. You may not be able to see how things could possibly get better unless your daughter makes a complete 180 turn, but they can if you allow it. I can’t urge you enough to spend time in prayer and reading these posts. These people here did a lot to help me evolve in my thoughts. I still feel homosexuality is a sin. But keep in mind, it’s no different a sin that adultery, theft, physical violence or any other of the sins. God still loves your daughter. She is one of his own. God loves homosexuals. Please, just worry about today. These first steps are the hardest, but you, and your family can get through this. On another note, I know this is not why you posted, but I need to thank you from the bottom of my families heart for your service. You are so selfless leaving your family to protect mine. God bless you, your daughter and the rest of your family.

    • Thank you so much Todd. I have gone from tears to anger to tears to anger and frustration. I also am not wanting to go home, I guess I think I can ignore it or not acknowledge it if I just stay away from it. Your words were very helpful. I know I am struggling but I keep thinking on what you said, “God loves homosexuals and that it is just another form of sin”, that did bring some perspective. Do you know of any groups out there that I could join, so I could look for support and read others struggles so I don’t feel so alone? It definitely was helpful hearing from you while trying to remained focused at work, without breaking into tears. I am still mourning the loss of my little girl and although she hasn’t died, I feel like I have lost a part of her and the connection we had has been broken. That is going to be difficult to repair, I think. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate the support.

      • I’m glad that I could help in a small way. Like A lot of people that stubble on this blog, I posted my personal tale of woe, and didn’t share much beyond that. For me, I think it’s because I can easily get consumed by something and neglect other responsibilities. But the way you spoke, was so similar to my initial feelings, I wanted to share… For my wife and I, we have got to the point where we realize he’s still our son. He was never one to jump into the lifestyle with both feet, it was simply feelings he had for a specific person. I think at this point, he’s feeling that if someone were to come along, male or female, he had feelings for, why wouldn’t it be OK either way. That’s a discussion we’ll have another time. We’ll do our best to deal with the sin if and/or when he chooses to act on any homosexual feelings that may come up again. I think for my wife and I, the more difficult part is because he’s our only child, it could mean no daughter-in-law and no grandchildren. But I guess we’ll cross that bridge… Right now we’re fortunate that his focus is on his studies in his first year of college. He’s made many friends from heterosexuals, homosexuals and the new “in thing” “gender neutrals”. It’s certainly is a mix! It did take me a long time to get to this point, and I’m still not where I should be. As the Good Book says, “we all fall short…”. BUT, I no longer hated coming home and seeing him. I look forward to seeing him on the weekends now. I hug him and tell him how proud I am that he has assimilated to college life so well and yet still remains very responsible. Keep in mind also, for most teenagers, they are searching for an identity. They try to create an identity that will allow them to stand out, and if it angers the parents, all the better. I’m not making a promise, but consider the possibility it could just be a phase as well. The less you, as parents, react, the quicker IT MAY blow over. It still could be it goes deeper than just an identity, but that can be dealt with at the time. Right now, look beyond the homosexuality. It doesn’t define her. Focus on what makes your daughter special. Deep down, she’s still that little girl. Don’t loose sight of that. Focus on what you love about her. You and I, we’re not perfect either. What if our children, our friends or worse, our God, focused one just our sins? You’ll get there. Get your tears out now so when it’s time to go home, it can be a joyous reunion!

  184. We were in a great service this past Sunday. I was so hoping my daughter would go to the altar for prayer. She’s 14 now and loves God, but she’s still so confused. Though she didn’t go, as we prayed sitting in our pew, she gripped my hand. On the way home she showed me a picture of a boy she thought was hot. She doesn’t know, but while we were praying I asked God to show me something, anything that would let me know my daughter was going to be okay. This was the first time in almost 2 years she’s said anything about a boy or liking one. My heart felt such peace. Though she may not be where I want her to be yet, I do feel like God showed me he is working in her. So I’m going to let the Holy Spirit do its job and I’m. Going to remain the loving mother I have always been.

  185. Your words hit home too, exactly what I needed to hear. I do believe God will help me through these feelings, I just pray that my daughter and I can have some type of relationship again, even though it is hard to imagine right now. I did go to the Facebook group you recommended and have asked to join. Hopefully it will give me people to talk to that have been where I am also. I am glad to know I am not alone in these feelings. I was trying to figure out how I could be such a terrible person to have such feelings of betrayal and disappointment. I also wonder if there will ever be future grandchildren and family get together a. I just can’t see it right now but am trying to keep an open heart. It is hard.

  186. Thanks so much for the great advice. It’s been about 3 years since my son came out and the pain is just as real. What makes it so incredibly difficult is I am the lead pastor at our church and though the church is extremely supportive, the feelings of not measuring up do not just go away.
    Last week, my 16 year old daughter said something that encouraged but also was hard to take. A friend told her that the church condemns homosexuals. She said “my dad is a Pastor and my brother is gay. He’s not ok with everything but he is ok with him”
    I am ok with him as a person. I love him dearly and desperately want him to change. I want him to love and serve Jesus. I guess that when the world sees us I want them to see love. The difference is between acceptance and approval. I accept my son but I don’t approve of his choices.
    We are still going through a tremendous amount of pain but we chose to love.

  187. Our son came out to us in July, it’s been difficult but we have been loving him and he knows where we stand on this issue. He is 30 min away at college and mentioned he needed his car this weekend, I asked what he had planned, he mentioned he was going to his friends house (a boy), my heart sank and I said sorry I have to ask but is this just a friend or more than that, he did’nt text right back like he had been so I know he must have been afraid to say something but when he finally texted back he said more than a friend. My heart sank and I started to cry. I didn’t know how to respond to him, I had no idea what to say, I went into my room and just started praying for strength and wisdom. About an hour went by and our son must have wanted to make sure we weren’t mad or needed reassurance which I felt bad that I didn’t do right away. He texted I love you, thank you for dropping my car off. I asked my husband what we should say and he said tell him we love him. I texted him back and said I’m sorry I just didn’t know what to say at the moment, you’re welcome and we love you too.
    I don’t know what to say now or what to say about this boy. Do I ask him questions? I’m not really going to know right now when he hangs out with him since he’s at college but now that I know he is saturday do I just ignore it or do I ask how his day was ? I’m so confused, I’m shaking knowing this.

  188. I understand your pain. I’ve been dealing with for two years with my daughter. Some days are much easier than others. I still have crying jags. I’ve prayed for her and continue to do so. Something that helped me was remembering that sin is sin. Her sin really is no bigger than mine. Also I gave her back to God when she was born. I have to trust that he is a far better parent than I could ever be. I remind myself of that daily . It helps. So for now, try to live by faith. It’s all you can do. Also treat him the same as you always have. Don’t let this build a wall between you and your son. That’s the one thing I’ve done right . Maintains open communication with my daughter has kept from being secretive and shutting me out of her life.

  189. My daughter is gay and I prayed a lot for God to help me in how he wanted me to handle this when she was 9 years old, yes 9 years old and I was on my knees for a very long time and one day when I was walking outside the church God said very clearly to me I told you to love me with all your heart and soul and to love your neighbor as yourself, ‘I DID NOT SAY IF THEY WERE BLACK BROWN OR PURPLE and this will be the end of it. I realized I am to love my daughter and anyone else as myself. These words helped me be a loving mother and caring person to others always spreading the gospel even into all people that Jesus is Lord. My daughter is a lesbian, she also loves the lord, and that is between her and the Father. This is not the problem for me, its as if I can’t tell my friends or fellow Christians that my daughter is gay for fear that they will judge her and hate her. I’m very protective of her, but its cheating me of sharing my daughters life with others and I really don’t know what to say to them about her. Its hard.

    • I understand what you mean. It is so hard to be proud of my daughter but not be able to talk about her because I just can’t handle the questions and way people would treat her or my fear of how they would treat her.

  190. Thank you for the words of encouragement. That is one thing I praise the Lord for every day for is the great relationship we have with our son. He is very respectful of our feelings and loves us. We have great communication. I know he knows where we stand but I really would like to know if there are things I can do or say to him without throwing scripture or reminding him that this is a sin. I tell him I’m praying for him.

  191. I read the blog about loving your child, and we are trying to do that. He just told us about 2 weeks ago that he is “gay” (his words); we assume he is having same-sex attraction, but we’re 99.99% sure he has not acted on his feelings. He said he’s known since he was 11 which was 4 years ago! We are heartbroken, trying to be supportive, but there is such conflict with my Christian values. He is aware of the traditional Christian stance on homosexuality, and I sense he is pulling away from God. We were already in the process of looking for a different church months ago when he told us he did not want to continue attending a very conservative church, so we started elsewhere….and now we know why. He attends the Sunday service, but because we are still visiting, we have not connected there. We don’t know how to persuade him to try a youth Bible study or anything, and although he tried the youth Sunday school a few times, it was a very small class (he was the only person one week)…so it doesn’t seem all that strong of a Sunday school program. Please pray for us – we feel alone in this journey right now – concerned about his sexual identity but also concerned about his spiritual relationship with God. I go between tearfulness at times and then I am calm and clinging to God’s word and His promises. This is the hardest thing I have ever done.

    • Ann, I understand where you are completely, I was there a few weeks ago with my daughter. I am not going to tell you that it gets any easier because I really don’t know but I can tell you that there are great people that are able to help you because they are helping me too. I am struggling retaining my relationship with my daughter because I am so disappointed, hurt, upset and really horrified. She also has turned her back on God, anything biblical and is now declaring herself agnostic (at least I think that is what she said). She believes that Christians are hypocrites and bigots and needless to say, that hasn’t helped our relationship. I make it through each day loving her as my daughter. I can’t go beyond that at this point. I will pray for you and your son. I know how hard it is and the feelings that come along with it. I felt betrayed and like a failure. There is a private facebook group that will provide you support if you would like it.

      • Would love the private facebook support group. Our son is still going to church with us, and I have told that my desire is for him to seek God in his life more than anything else. He knows we love him, and we keep telling him that God loves him no matter what. He made a profession of faith as a young child, but he has been pulling away from God in the past year, and I think this is why. I know he must feel an internal conflict between the Christian values with which he is being raised, and his own feelings. we keep praying.

  192. I wanted to comment on what I’m noticing is a reoccurring theme here. I see that many parents are struggling with how to talk to friends about their gay children. At the beginning, it might be difficult for some because we are struggling with how WE feel. Having gone through the same thing a few years back, I can agree it throws us back. Like a punch in the gut. We need to come to terms with what’s going on and how to deal with this as a Christian. How would Jesus look at our child? Would He be disgusted? Would He shun them? Would He view them as worthless? Or would He love them as He loved the prostitute? As He loved the thief. As He loved other homosexuals. As He loved any other sinner! It’s very difficult when we first get the news, but at some point as a Christian, we need to be proud of our imperfect child. Our children have many positive attributes. That’s how God made ’em. In His image! God is not ashamed of our children! No matter what their sins may be! Love your child. Be proud of them! For most of them, it was very difficult to present this news to us (even if they wouldn’t admit it!). They knew how it would pain us. There are many, many things wrong with how the church, and Christians in general, view homosexuality. As a parent going through this, we have the opportunity to help facilitate a change in how other Christians view homosexuality. As I’m sure we’ve all read many times, even on this web site, HOMOSEXUALITY IS NO WORSE A SIN THAN ANY OTHER! God died for our homosexual children, whether they know it or not. Do not be ashamed or embarrassed to share your struggles and Christian growth with your friends. Do not be so bent on portraying a perfect picture! Our children are imperfect. We are imperfect. Tell everyone that God loves ALL. God doesn’t just love a perfect Christian. He loves the drunkard. He loves the abuser. He loves the homosexual. He loves ALL. Be proud of your children and talk about them as you always did. They were not perfect before they became a homosexual, they are not perfect now. Any person worth their salt should understand this.

  193. Todd, your comments are biblical and powerful. I am strengthened by the encouraging words from other Christian parents battling this particular trial. My daughter came out to me a couple of years ago. She is in her late 20’s. She told me she had same sex attraction since middle school. I feel grieved that I didn’t have the type of communication with her where she felt safe sharing what she has recently told me was great inner turmoil and feelings of isolation. I know I didnt get that part right. My world stopped when she shared with me a month or so after coming out, that she married her partner. Looking back I know it was God who kept me and candidly He got my attention when this happened. My walk with Him is closer than ever. I still get sad about it now and then, but I know He perfects those things which concern us and my daughter’s soul as well as other non-believers’ is of great concern to me. Ironically, she sent me the link to this blog to help me through my grief shortly after she came out. Of course other sites have been a blessing too such as David Foster’s Pure Passion and DL Foster’s Overcomer’s Network. I take solace in hearing the testimony of those who have been delivered from homosexuality. I know God is faithful. It’s a tough journey, but I lean in and on God to get me through. I am praying for every commenter on this blog and please pray for me too. Shaun, thank you for allowing God to use you. This blog was a lifeline during my deepest despair. God bless you.

  194. Hi Todd, Sitting here reading through the comments and testimonies of so many people is truly overwhelming. I have a 23 year old daughter who just came out as being a gay. Although I have had some speculation of it but to just hear the words finally come out of her mouth was truly hurting to me. I have cried, I have prayed, I have even asked questions about what did I do wrong to make this happen. I am a christian woman and I try to live as Christ like as I can…Sometimes I struggle with my daughter being gay because of the fact that it isn’t of God. However, I still love my daughter, I’m still here for her, however, I just wonder sometimes if I accept this lifestyle will it hinder me from God’s grace and am I too sinning against him. I don’t condone this lifestyle, I don’t like it, nor agree with it however, I love my daughter. My heart truly aches with this. I have met her partner and it is so odd for me. I get such strange feeling over me, however, because God said love one another in spite of who they are and what they have done, I obey his word and be polite, respectful and kind towards her. My husband is totally against it and want no part of it at all. He doesn’t want to meet the partner nor have her in our home. His relationship has even changed towards my daughter since her coming out. He has been apart of her life since she was 12 years old and they have had a good relationship up til now… They speak to one another but as far a carrying out conversations doesn’t happen anymore. Because of his change it has caused my daughter not to want to stay home as much. So she spend most of her time with her partner. Since the change in him she don’t feel comfortable with being at home and when she is there she stays in her room. I don’t like how he has changed towards her, however what can I do? I have told him many times that it isn’t right what he is doing and that he needs to pray on it. I know that he has to deal with this in his own time. However, I am just going to keep praying and lifting my daughter up and allow God to have his way in this situation.

  195. Hi Tootie, I read your post and my heart goes out to you. Though my son “came out” to my wife and I when he was a sophomore in H.S., we haven’t had to deal with the difficulty of meeting a boyfriend. We believe he thought he was gay because of feelings he had for a specific boy. That relationship never went beyond a friendship because we think he was still struggling with right and wrong. Since that time, there hasn’t been another. He has clarified his viewpoint that he’s not necessarily gay, he just feels that love, even the romantic kind, shouldn’t be confined to one sex or the other. Now, he’s in the worst place in the world for someone with these thoughts and ideas, a college campus! He has one friend who is not a “he”, but rather a “they”. When my son refers to him as “they”, I’m reminded of the demon “legion”. It gets me so confused when my son talks about him; er, “they”. This person claims to not identify with any particular gender. We are fortunate, at this point, his main focus is on his studies and his role in the theater dept. We are occasionally encouraged when he talks of a new friend and “how pretty she is”, but still nothing has manifested into anything beyond friendships. I’m saying all this because I truly feel for those that are struggling with meeting their children’s partners. Though I feel I am in a real good place and happy with how far I’ve come in dealing with my son’s bi-sexuality, I think if he brought home a same sex partner, I’d be beside myself. I may have grown a lot in how I view homosexuality, but I still have a long, long way to go. I too struggle with how to show my love and support to my son without looking like I’m condoning any homosexual actions. I don’t know how I would deal with that. Tootie, I can say I disagree with how your husband is handling the situation, but the fact is, I probably wouldn’t handle it any better. At this point I’m praying I’ll never have to deal with that. I’m praying a “pretty girl” (and I might add “Christian”) gets through to him before I’m faced with that challenge. Dealing with a same sex partner almost needs it’s own forum! While you pray for you’re daughter, be sure to include your husband! He’s struggling as you are. I don’t know the perfect, Christian way to handle same sex partners. I do not envy what your family is going through. Stay strong, keep the faith and pray pray pray. That’s what’s wonderful about our faith. things don’t have to stay the way they are. God can change us and those around us if they are willing and open to it. Give us men a little extra time, if we love our children and God, we’ll come around eventually!

  196. Our son came out to us in July of 2015. My heart breaks constantly. His dad and I are loving him unconditionally but things just seem to be moving way too fast. My husband who is not walking with the Lord has not really grieved, yes he was devastated and cried for a couple of months but he has never talked about it with anyone except for myself. I go to a christian support group for families that have a loved one struggling or has come out. I also was led to another christian lady who I meet with who’s son is gay, God has led these people into my life and it helps me so much to have the support of others. I worry about my husband though, he is just keeping it all in and it scares me.
    One thing I am having a really hard time with is how to tell my parents. Our son will not, he has started posting pics here and there on social media (with no captions) but it definitely can lead someone to suspect. My parents are christians but I don’t even know where to begin on telling them or how much. Does anyone have any suggestions? He didn’t want anyone to know for quite awhile, but then just recently said it was fine if we told them. However, he seems to want to avoid them now and was very concerned of what I would say to them. I feel like our son is still confused but at the moment is happy because he is in a relationship. If he was sure I dont’ see why he would be concerned about seeing his grandparents or what I would say to them. Please any advise would be helpful. Thank you.

  197. Pingback: Love Should Be Unconditional | Champagnes Blog·

  198. Michelle – yes, people are still posting. Your post shows up. Skim through the post to some facebook groups – Hope for Wholeness. There is another online forum Living Hope https://livehope.org/. You can also apply to join some private forums there. Praying you find peace in the midst of the storms.

  199. Hi. My daughter just told us this week that she is in a relationship with a woman. This came as a shock because she was in 6 year relationship with a boy who we liked very much. My daughter left the home, the church, (she sang in the praise and worship team) and I really don’t know what to do. I’ve gone through many emotions, I tell her I love her, but I don’t know where to go from here.

  200. Excellent article!!! My 21 yr old daughter came out about 3 yrs ago when she was having a hard time with a breakup of a same sex relationship.she didn’t date anyone for almost 2 yrs after that and just recently has a new relationship with a wonderful young lady who is intelligent, pretty, stable and just is a all around beautiful person. Our problem is my Dad, her grandfather, that is a bible thumping Baptist. He constantly wants to know what he can do to “fix” my daughter. I’ve told him when he says that God doesnt like gays, that one sin is no different from another sin and that we ALL sin! That’s why God gave us his Son! I would love some pointers on how to deal with my dad and this situation. My mom us accepting and has told my daughter that no matter what, she is still loved. Thank you for your support and your article!

  201. I really need help with boundaries for our home, I am so conflicted and information seems so broad and everything I read is for adult children who no longer live at home. Our 19 year old still lives at home. What boundaries do we set for when his “friend” comes over? Do you tell them no affection towards each other just around you or at all in your home?

  202. Our daughter has been raised with Christian values and in church but we allowed our kids to enjoy their childhood and teen years without being overbearing. She is super smart, graduated at 16 and went off to a liberal Ivy League school and came home after her 1st year we discovered she has been seeing a girl! I did not handle it well, didn’t even know who I could reach out to, but kept sharing scriptures to contradict her thinking. She never brought up the subject again and has been just her sweet loving self, different from the isolation we felt from her her first year so we thought she has turned around. Two weeks ago while she is on a project abroad she accidentally sends pics of her and her new girlfriend from her college to me and apologized saying she was planning on telling me upon her return.. She is our only daughter and my husband is heartbroken we saw absolutely no signs prior to her leaving home. Although she had great friends in high school who she is till I touch with she was a bit lonely because of her age difference and was left out of most out of school weekend functions and in middle school went through some mean girls bullying which we quickly addressed with the school, outside of that we are at a loss! She has a very loving close r/ship with both of us we just need some help and prayer in separating out our thoughts about the details of her life ste and just be her parents and living her regards. We go between hurt, disappoint , anger , fear and loving her much.

  203. Thank you for this advice, I live in South Africa, my 18year old daughter lives in Australia with her dad as she is studying there. Last week she came out to me that she is gay. Her father is not a Christian and is very liberal, so he has know for some time, she was afraid to tell me because of my relationship with Christ. I am so sad for my child and I am really struggling with my own emotions, I don’t know how I feel. Thankfully the Holy Spirit has helped me to live her and to say the right things. I’m not sure what to do next, she is so far away and all I really want to do is hold my child and tell her I love her.

  204. Our daughter is 19 and beautiful young lady. And old enough to make her own decisions but she told us she was a lesbian and sleeping with another woman. Now I my self am liberal but the wife is really upset . She wanted grand kids and she hoped daughter would get married to a guy. I really didn’t know how to approach this situation, I had a young lady tell me she gay and a wife that was almost to the boiling point. After a couple of days things simmered down a bit. I sat down with the wife so we could talk about this, and explained how I felt. She will always be our daughter and we can’t just push her out the door, I still love her and always will no matter what. I will always be here for her, I’m not especially happy about this but this is her choice and I’m proud she came out to us. It must have been difficult for her, now let’s help her out the best we can. My wife blamed me for being to liberal and this was my fault. I have broad shoulders and get blamed for alot of things I can’t control
    I asked my daughter and her friend for pizza one night, wife didn’t want to see her daughter or her friend. I finally asked my wife to join us she was reluctant to, I just said she didn’t have to talk just listen. Daughter introduced e girl friend and she was a very pleasant and bubbly type person. I complemented her on coming out to us and told I would be there for them if needed. The rest of the evening went OK then I asked the girls if they could us out to understand what being was all about. The other girls parents wanted to know also, they asked us to go to a few PFLAG meetings and meet other parents who have gay kids and where kids speak there piece on how they feel. All the children apologized for upsetting parents, and forgive them. Alot of times it was really emotional, not a sad type emotional. My wife finally opened up and accepted he daughter and gay friend. We’re good friends with daughters significant other parents. Things turned out well, and I pray it stays that way. You want your kids to be happy in life, but sometimes they throw a curve ball, it doesn’t always make you happy but remember there your kids love them open your mind, heart and arms and try to accept them for who they are.

  205. Hello all, my name is Genevieve and I’m a Christian mother of six from North Dakota. I have three boys; Evan (22), Drake (20), and Memphis (14), and three girls; Katia (24), Natasha (18), and Victoria (16). Of my six children, three of them have come out as gay or lesbian to me; Evan, Drake, and Natasha.

    Evan came out to me when he was 15. He was always the rebellious child. I was positive he was doing this to me just to spite me (he told me he didn’t want to be a Christian anymore a year prior), there was no way that my football player son who’s had girlfriends in the past could be gay. It was just impossible. I prayed and prayed and prayed every night with my husband that he’d see the light. Around a month after him coming out, he introduced me to his partner. It just made me feel sick thinking that my baby boy would be partaking in sinful acts with him. I broke down crying over dinner and no one could console me. Ever since then, Evan has talked little about his personal life with me, which makes me feel even worse. But he can’t blame me for not being able to accept the lifestyle he chose because of my religion — that’s discrimination!

    Natasha came out to me next, when she was 16. As a child, Natasha was a big tomboy, she hated wearing dresses or playing with dolls, and loved to get down and dirty with her father and brothers whether it was going camping, fishing, hunting, anything. I never suspected this to turn into anything more than a childhood phase though. After dealing with Evan’s coming out, I was a little more used to it, and it didn’t hit me as hard. But it still hit me hard. All I ever wanted for my princess was to meet her prince charming and have beautiful children. Shortly after coming out to me she chopped all her hair off into a “pixie” haircut and dyed her gorgeous golden blonde locks a dark black color. I was just mortified. She listened to loud, screaming music, and dressed in black a lot. I took her to a therapist thinking she was depressed, but it just made her angry with me. What worries me the most is the effect Natasha has on her little sister. Natasha and Victoria have always been very close, and recently I’ve been noticing patterns in their behavior. The final straw came when Victoria cut her hair into a “pixie” style as well. I just couldn’t handle all of this. Sometimes I really worry that Natasha is beginning to follow satanism, but I wouldn’t dare confront her.

    Drake came out to me most recently. Drake was always more feminine than the other boys as a child and would surround himself with female friends instead of male ones. However, like with Natasha, I just assumed this was a phase, not that he would end up choosing the homosexual lifestyle later in life. He didn’t come out to me until this year, but apparently he had told my other children much earlier. According to him, he was scared to tell me because I didn’t treat his siblings nicely when they told me. But what am I supposed to do! Sit back and watch my children, my pride and joy, turning their backs on Christ and succumbing to these unnatural feelings? I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed to God, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost but I feel like I’m losing my children to their perversions. My husband and other children aren’t as concerned as I am, but I can’t just sit back and watch this. All I wanted was a happy and healthy family, but my kids can’t be gay, they just can’t be.

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