Parent FAQs


Below are questions submitted by parents from the comment section of our popular article, “Loving Your Gay Child.”  Answers are short but direct.  If you would like to hear more about a particular question, please comment below.  Additionally, if there is a question you want answered, leave it below.

I think my child is gay.  What should I do?

As a Christian, you shouldn’t do anything without first praying.  So, take a deep breath and pray, first.  Then I would really process why you think your child is gay: mannerisms, interests, associations, or sexual.  If it’s the first three, I wouldn’t jump the gun and say that your child is gay if he likes art and she likes sports.  Many teens today like different things, and they are simply trying to figure out who they are.  I would be more concerned if your child is getting into same-sex relationships or sexual activity (porn, sex, etc).  If this is the case, see below.  If it’s not the case, talk with your child, invest time into their world, regardless if you can relate with their interests or not.  The more time you invest into what they are about, the more they will be open to you about who they are.

I caught my son viewing gay porn.  Help!

If your son (or daughter) is viewing porn – gay or straight – then you need to help put a stop to their access.  Whether you need to move the computer into a centralized place, install a web-blocker or internet accountability, or you need to get rid of the internet all together, as the parent you have full authority to control what your teen is viewing online.  Viewing porn, especially gay porn, won’t necessarily make your child gay, but it will cause their attractions for the same-sex to increase, in particularly if same-sex attractions already heavily exist.  It would be best to confront your teen, preferably by the appropriate parent, as quick as possible instead of allowing their actions to continue.  Here are two great websites to connect with in regards to this area: and

What do we tell our other children about their gay brother (sister)?

It would be good to sit down with your other children and communicate with them what’s going on with their sibling.  Some counselors say to do this without your gay child around, and others suggest doing the opposite.  Both options are ok to do.  I think the main point is to talk openly about the situation.  Making it a safe place, allow your children to express their emotions, questions, and other reactions.  Assure them that their sibling is still the same person they’ve always known, and that our love for them does not (will not) change.  Do they have a right to know, yes, especially if your children are close relationally and in age.  My parents didn’t tell my siblings until they found out on their own, which wasn’t right.

How do we deal with other family members rejection or fears?

My grandma told me, that after I had told my dad I was gay, he called up his family and told them that “Shawn is gay, and if you have a problem with this, you’ll deal with me.”  Now my dad never told me this (I wished he did), but his words meant a lot to his family and me.  First, his message told the family that it wasn’t their job to accept or reject my decision, rather it was to love me as he loved me.  If anyone had a problem with my being gay, they were to express their concerns through him, not with me.  Secondly, by doing this it showed them, and even more me, that I was his son – no matter what.  I think parents would be wise to convey the same message to their family members.

My son says his dad and I being too judgmental.  We have affirmed our unconditional love for him but cannot approve of his choice.  We need some guidance.

Kids want to be totally accepted by their parents.  When a parent shows disapproval towards a decision, the child is often offended and takes it personally.  This is especially true for those who are gay and have parents who do not approve of their decision to pursue a gay identity.  Some parents totally shut out their gay child and refuse to amend anything until the child ceases to be gay.  Flat out, this is a wrong and costly position to take.  Some parents are able to fully embrace their child’s sexuality and look past what scripture has to say about the situation.  I feel this is a wrong position to take as well.  Then there are other parents who reach out to their son or daughter in unconditional love, while choosing not to condone their child’s decision to pursue a gay identity.  Sons and daughters in this situation take offense at this and accuse parents (family members) of being judgmental.  In this situation, I believe that the parents are right and the child is wrong.  Not every decision he or she makes will be a good one, and parents have every right to not agree with a child’s wrong decision.  The task at hand for your gay teen is that they understand this and respect this, just as they expect you to understand and respect them.  Showing unconditional love to your teen does not mean supporting everything they say and do; it means you love them in spite of the good and bad decisions they make.

Help, my daughter has a girlfriend!

Gay teens want to feel accepted and loved for who they are.  As they walk through the halls at school, they see their friends holding hands with those they love, and gay students want to do the same thing.  Therefore, it shouldn’t be a surprise to you if your son or daughter comes home and says they are now dating someone.  Fair questions to ask yourself would be, how do I handle their dating relationship and what boundaries do I set into place?  A simplified answer would be, set into place the same boundaries you would set if your child were dating the opposite sex.  It’s your house, and you have the right to lay down specifics about relationships, people coming over, sleepovers, parties, etc.  However, I would make two big cautions.  Not every gay teen is interested in having sex; they mainly just want some normalcy in their life through friends.  Second, the same rules you apply for your gay daughter should be the same rules you apply to your other straight children, too.

My child is getting bullied in school, what should I do?

If your child is getting bullied in school because they are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered, than you need to approach the school principal and board about the problem – and do not quit until a tangible solution has been carried out.  The issue of bullying is a raging problem right now, and this is especially true for gay students.  To ignore the complaints from your child about being bullied, or to brush them off as “just a phase that will pass,” will do more harm then good to your child.  Gay teens are killing themselves over being bullied; this isn’t something that will just pass, action needs to be taken.

I’ve been reading reports, is it inevitable that my gay son will get AIDS or kill himself?

There are tons of reports out there about gay people – some correct and some incorrect.  Yes, AIDS still highly exists within the gay population.  However, if your son (daughter) is careful and monogamous in their relationships, they have a less likely chance of getting AIDS then if they weren’t.  As for suicide, yes, chances rise for gay teens over straight teens.  However, if you provide a safe, open, and unconditional loving environment for your child, then the chances of them committing suicide lessens.  Not every gay person gets AIDS or commits suicide.  A lot depends on the family structure and support they have standing behind them.  Cover your child in prayer, and raise them in the love and understanding of Christ, and He will handle the rest.

If my gay child acts upon their same-sex attractions, are they still a Christian?

This is a heated and heavy question.  Scripture tells us that it is by grace we have been saved (Ephesians 2:8-10), and that our lives should mirror that of Christ (Ephesians 5:1).  For those of us in Christ, we are God’s adopted children, saints, and servants.  Nothing can separate us from these things (Romans 8:37-39).  The Bible is full of many examples of Godly people participating in sinful actions; the majority of them did not lose their position in Christ because of their sin.  However, scripture also warns us of grieving the Holy Spirit and living against the ways of God.  We are His children who have been set apart from the world.  Your child being gay doesn’t forfeit their salvation, but it does put into question their commitment to Christ.  I wouldn’t cast any stones, rather I would continue praying that God’s hand would continue to lead my child closer to Him.

For more info, check out the above links for “Youth Workers” and “Parents.”

92 responses to “Parent FAQs

  1. Our only son informed us of his being gay. Needless to say we are heartbroken, we don’t know what to do. The articles on your website have helped but we would like to know if there is a support group in Tenn. that we might find other parents walking through the same things. Thanks for your help. Jerry

      • Thank you for your reply and Chattanooga is not too far from us so we will be getting in touch with them. Thanks again , Jerry

    • I am a parent of a 28 year old daughter that came out to me four years ago. I believe the bible as truth. My daughter says it is truth but God will not condemn her for loving someone. She came out to me four years ago. I have been to a support group and it helped for a while. I am still in so much pain about her choice. I have stopped speaking to her about it, trying to keep a relationship going based on love for her and told her I love her no matter what. I am finding it difficult to meet this 4th partner. I met one two years ago and got emotionally and physically sick. She lives out of state and the communications are becoming less and less on her end. My friends tell me I need to accept this and meet the partner and move towards them. I half heartedly agree but I don’t know how to interact with them both and not condone their actions? My husband has no interest in meeting the partner, although he is not her father. As far as I know I am the only relative of hers that knows about this. I love and miss my daughter. Any suggestions?

      • Hi Patricia – thanks so much for commenting. Meeting up with your daughter and her partner does not mean that you are accepting “their actions.” It simply means that you are trying to meet your daughter where she is and love her towards Christ. That should be the main focus. A great book on this conversation is from Joe Dallas, “When Homosexuality Hits Home.” Also, have you checked out our parent resources?

      • I can relate to this. I have met my sons partner and he is an extremely caring, loving, giving guy. I struggle with being with them as I feel this is showing acceptance of the sexuality. I will be going to stay with them in February for 10 days. Your response has helped me with what I have been struggling with. So thank you.

  2. Where can I go about finding help in Oklahoma? I am one very confused parent and just want what is best for my child not what is best for me. My husband and I need help.

  3. Shawn, thank you for this commitment you have to help people. I need some help please!
    My child has had been attractive with the same gender, She was born knowing the word of God goes to church but. I have a hart time with this because I didn’t know the Lord 25 years I ask Jesus to come in to my life and my life changed. I still struggle just like any other Christian we are a working process. so I feel that my child has never ask Christ to be the Lord of her life. i don’t know to deal with this. She just told us she’s in love with other girl! So how do I deal with this. She’s not home any more. Thank you.

    • Hi Maria – go to our “Loving Your Gay Child” page for more info to your questions. If your daughter does not know Christ, as her Savior, then this is where she needs to start. Christ is the one who transforms us, so Christ needs to be at the center of this journey.

  4. Our third and youngest son, age 27, told us a few months ago that he was gay and been since he was In high school. He grew up in our Christian home. He says he struggled for years and even kept it from us for fear how we would respond. He first told my husband an afternnoon when my husband got the courage to ask him. That aftenoon my husband told me. I cried. I was heart broken. He has lived with another guy for about 7 yrs. My husband and I thought for many years they were just friends but I have to admit it occasionally crossed our minds that he might me gay but neither of us wanted to bring it up to him. I don’t think we wanted to know. Although my husband would rather our son not be gay he is more accepting of his admission than I am. I have struggled with how to handle his homosexuality. I love my son, nothing will not change that but how to handle him and his partner’s relationship within our family is such a struggle and conflict for me. I believe what the Bible says about homosexuality. My son says he does not believe what the Bible says about homosexuality. He says the Bible was written by mere men. I do believe that homosexuality is a sin just as adultery and promiscuity among heterosexualuals is, although it is more understandable and acceptable with the opposite sex. My son says he struggled with it for a long time, even writing papers on it. He says he kissed a girl once and didn’t like it. He says he is attracted to men, not women. He says he doesn’t want to be gay but it is who he is and that he had to be true to himself. My son denies any sexual abuse as a child or any childhood memory that contributed to his gay lifestyle, it is just who he is. I don’t understand how God could create one to be gay as He does in making a person to have blue eyes and not brown. I remember as a child he seemed to have a tendency toward feminity. He would try my nightgowns and twirl around in them. As a child he played more with dolls, rarely with cars or trucks and took no interest in sports, but did take interest in music. Although this article was helpful I could use more help in handling family gatherings and other situations when his relationship is brought up. I dont think I will ever be able to accept it. It goes against what I believe in. I am not one who will pickett in front of Chick-Filet against homosexuality but I am not one to support gay rights either. My son does not want to feel like the pink elephant in the room but I am sure finding it difficult accepting the pink elephant’s presence in the room too. Thank you for any advise, cjm

    • Thanks for commenting Cheryl. I would start with checking out these articles – If you could email me, I would love to carry this conversation further.

      Your son’s same-sex attractions aren’t something he can turn on or off. It is really more complex than that. And really, his attractions aren’t the sin – acting upon them is. I have friends who are 0% attracted to the opposite sex, but who – through God’s grace – live celibate lives attracted to the same-sex. This is OK. They are not in the wrong. Maybe this fits your son. Maybe it won’t. The goal is not for him to have opposite-sex attractions or get married; the goal for him is to allow the Spirit to form him into the image of Jesus. Just as this is every Christian’s goal in life.

      As for talking about his relationship … doing so doesn’t mean that you are supporting his choices. It means that you want to know about his life, that you care about his life, and that you are a safe person to talk to about his life. I compare it to things our kids do (will do) … we may not always agree with their choices, but we never stop being their parents who love them, support them, and are there for them.

      This is not an easy journey, but God’s grace is stronger than our own efforts.

      • Shawn, My son is engaging in sexual acts. He told my husband and I that he was gay this time last year. He told me that he has also contemplated suicide. I’m so afraid and conflicted that I don’t know what to do. I feel that if I listen to him about his relationship/s that I will be condoning homosexuality and giving him the impression that I think it is okay and if I don’t I’m afraid that he may harm himself. I don’t want my son to be alone in this part of his journey in life. I do feel responsible even though you have said that it’s not the parents fault. I believe that because I am in an emotionally abusive marriage that my son does not want any part of a heteral sexual relationship because of his dad’s and my issues. My son is a wonderful man. He was called to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ when he was only 5 years old. He’s now 30. Please direct me as to a good resource in the Silicon Valley, CA\

    • Hi , this sounds almost exactly like my son who is 30 yrs and lives in NYC ….he was raised in a Christian home went to a Christian school and had wonderful friends though out his teen years ….my husband is very sad and upset and I am also..I love my son so mush and tell him that
      Also tell him I want Gods will for him …Very hard to explain to my son how we feel I will just continue to show him unconditional love and keep praying for him no matter what

  5. My daughter did share with me 4 days ago that she is a Christian and she goes to church. That’s why we can’t understand why! She;s making the wrong choices.

    • Even Christians make bad choices at times. If your daughter believes that being in a gay relationship isn’t wrong – biblically – then she won’t see her Christian faith and sexuality conflict. Nor will she have a desire or need to change anything. While it is hard as a parent to sit and watch this go on, no one can force her to accept something she refuses to accept. How are you and your husband dealing with things? Are you both praying together? What are you both praying for?

      • What prayers do you suggest for our children struggling with same-sex attraction? Other than asking God to be my strength and to keep her safe.

  6. This is a balanced site. My only son came out that he was bisexual and a virgin at 25 years of age. He did not want to acknowledge his feelings. I told him I want him to enjoy a close relationship with someone encouraged counseling about that. I did not believe he was a virgin and thought he was protecting me by stating that. He does watch all types of porn and This may substitute for close human touch and relationships. These areas are complex so
    I did encourage him to see a counselor. I am devastated because he is so sad and life is too
    Short for sadness

    I was widowed whe he was 11 and I blame myself. Just found out about support groups

    Thank you for this site. I am unable to sleep just cry a lot

  7. A family member close to me has just told us he is gay. He was raised in a christian home and he feels that he was born that way. He says he was never attracted to girls. He does not believe God would allow him to be born with these feelings and condemn him to eternal hell for them. He struggles with his faith now and i don’t know how to help him. It has taken him a long time to confide in someone. He ask me why he should have to live a life without an intimate loving partner when he didn’t choose to feel this way. I agree with him. why should he have to live a life without the loving bond and intimacy between two people. However my christian faith won’t allow me to accept it for fear that i will also be judged for accepting it. some have said he can have the feelings but must not act on them the same way a married man can not act and commit adultery. to me its not the same… the married man can still have a loving intimate relationship with his wife. he can still experience the love of another but yet we say homosexuals can not have that. that does not seem fair! it is not the same.How can i help him and myself? is there anywhere in ohio to go for help?

    so where can i find help in southeast ohio?

    • Hi Chris – I live in Ohio, and would be willing to meet up and talk with you and your friend. Email me and we’ll go from there – 611ministries[at][gmail][com]. Thanks!

    • Hi Shanna – here is a contact for a ministry I know of, Hope & New Life Ministries. The director’s name is Brad Grammar. The last I knew, the ministry was still in Indy. Let me know if this helps.

      Hope & New Life Ministries
      P.O. Box 821
      Indianapolis, IN 46107-0821
      Tel: (317) 509-1196
      eMail: hopeandnewlife[at]gmail[dot]com

  8. Several months ago, our son informed us that he is gay. Needless to save we are at a loss still. Our other children figured it out about a month before he told us. I believe he only told us as he was moving away to live with a young man and I think he knew his siblings would tell us. We are Christ followers and demonstrated our faith to our children. He says he still holds the value we taught him but that is hard for us to see at this time. It has been extremely extremely hard on us all and we are just now to a point where we feel like we can maybe talk to him. The one issue we need to deal with and have no idea how is his feeling of us being judgmental. We have affirmed that we have unconditional love for him but cannot approve of his choice. How can we get past being judgmental but still confirm our belief that this choice is not how God would have him to live? Judging, to him, seems to be his reasoning for staying away and not wanting to talk. We would appreciate some guidance.

    • Hi Nancy,

      I answered your question in the above post. It was a good question that I wanted others to see and respond to. Thanks for commenting 🙂

  9. I am struggling with my daughter being gay and how she is dressing as a “boy”, she recently moved back into our home and I don’t even feel comfortable in my house. Help! Does anyone know of support groups in DFW area?

    • Hi Shawn,

      I thought I had an email with a local Indy site, but now I can’t find it and would love to reach out for support. Thank you!!!!


      • Here’s the info again Shanna ..

        Hope & New Life Ministries
        P.O. Box 821
        Indianapolis, IN 46107-0821
        Tel: (317) 509-1196
        eMail: hopeandnewlife[at]gmail[dot]com

    • i too have a daughter who claims to be gay and dresses like a boy. that seems to be the hardest part for me, the shock every time i see her and don’t recognize her at first. we are working through it all, but it is not easy. she doesn’t live at home or even in the same town, so we don’t see her often, just converse via text mostly and on the phone every week or so for a short conversation. it’s been just over a year now, and i still cant sleep or think straight most of the time. this may be the hardest thing i have ever dealt with. I have appreciated this sight though just to read that others are in the same boat and are surviving. My daughter actually sent me the link. thanks for letting me share. k

  10. I could have written so many entries on this blog. I too am a Christ follower, and the parent of a lesbian daughter, who was raised in a Christian home and professes Christ as well. She is convinced that God created her to be gay, and that I should accept her for who He created her to be. My husband of 27 years left the marriage 6 years ago, and my children believe that he too is living a gay lifestyle. Hence, I am coping with these issues as a single parent. I continue to grieve these losses, and time just doesn’t seem to help. Recently, my 26 year daughter became “engaged” and is now planning a “wedding” in a state where same sex unions are recognized. This has raised the issue to all new heights, as she enlists my help and support in planning this “wedding”. I am wrestling with how I continue to love and support her as a person, without endorsing and supporting this lifestyle choice. I just don’t know how to deal with this, without alienating her and losing the relationship all together. Any advice or support would be soooooooooo appreciated. I live in Cleveland, Oh. and would love to know of a godly support group, as well. Thanks for listening.

    • Thanks for commenting Kathy. I would recommend getting three books: “101 Frequently Asked Questions about Homosexuality”, “When Homosexuality Hits Home”, and mine – when it releases 🙂

      This is a hard question, yet a growing common one. Some people are able to help-out and not feel that they are condoning the situation. Others are not able to do this. I think there are ways you can help in order to show grace and love, while not forfeiting your beliefs: answering questions, decorating, making food, dress shopping, etc. Each time spent with your daughter might be a way to open the conversation to a deeper level about what’s going on.

      Doing these things, and even showing up to her wedding, may look as though you are condoning her life choices. Or it can show her that regardless of who she is or what she does, she will always remain your daughter.

      If your daughter knows the truth and refuses to submit to it – as we are all called to do – protesting her and her life won’t help matters. In fact, it may push her further away. She needs to see Jesus right now. She needs to fall in love with Jesus all over again. Maybe God is asking you to be that image of Him right now.

      I currently live in Saint Marys, Ohio … not sure of local support groups but I’ll check around.

      • What is the title of your book?! I’m very interested in reading it and learning more on this very sensitive topic. Thank you!

    • Knowing where the line is between supporting the lifestyle and supporting your child, that is where i have the hardest time. I love her and always will, but i don’t like the lifestyle she is living or the way she looks. My daughter is also convinced that God made her this way, she grew up in the church and was a very strong christian and leader in her youth group and FCA group. She was youth director for a while at a small church also, then she just seemed to change and continue to change, draw away from us, and dress and act more boy like. Much of my family knows and they accept her at family gatherings and love her, but they do not agree with this lifestyle. It’s just so hard to know how to love her without promoting the lifestyle. She is a beautiful young lady, but she has cut her hair all off, wears baggy boy jeans and just has a masculine demeanor about her. I just don’t understand how things can change so quickly, looking back i can see the changes over a couple years, but still, i just don’t understand. I am trying to understand and love her unconditionally, but I’m not sure i even know what that means any more. Would love to hear from other parents who are trying to love their kids, but not support the lifestyle.

  11. Please help with advice. How should we handle an upcoming family wedding (out of town, so 2 nights in hotel rooms with a large group of other family) and our daughter wanting to stay in a separate hotel room with her girlfriend. Our now 25 yr old (previously very straight) daughter came out to us 3yrs ago saying she was in a same sex relatiobship in college. After some deep struggling with her, it’s been through our love for her and God’s Grace, we (husband, brother, sister and me), have come to a place of lukewarm tolerance of their relationship to be together in our home. We are genuinely kind to her girlfriend but treat her as we have and do other good friends of our daughter. There is no obvious physical affection rule in our presence, we dont allow much with our straight childrens relationships as well. We have all said we accept their relationship because we love her and its important to her, plus the reality of them living in a committed three year same sex relationship. We do not allow them to act as a couple around us, because we feel viserally sick about this a d its just too much, but also its about not affirming it is as right in God’s eyes nor ours. While our extended family is aware of their relationship, they have not been allowed to attend family events like other boyfriend/girlfriends of cousins do. We are very conflicted as to how to handle this. None of our children live at home now, and we are also upset about our younger daughter 23 wanted to stay in another hotel room with her boyfriend.

  12. Hello Shawn: You have no idea how thankful I ma for your blog. I found out my son had same sex attractions back in September by looking at one of his text messaes which I usually never do. I then asked him and everything came out. He first told me that he may be bi-sexual, but a subsequent psychological evaluation revealed that he is gay as he also admitted to me. At first I was taken aback by it because he acted very straight all of his life. He gave his life to Christ when he was about 10 years old and has been active in church all his life. He even was talkig about Jesus at school and some kids made fun of him. I now found out that he’d been looking at pornography online and engaged in homosexual sex. The first thing I told him was that I love him no matter who he is or what he does, but I did have a very hard time with his same-sex attractions. I restricted his contact with the boy he had sex with,and now, thankfully he no longer has feelings for him. I prayed day and night in tears for God to help me parent him because I don’t know what to do. I still grieve the son that I thought I had. But I love my son just the way he is. Your blog changed my attitude and gave me insight on how to accept my son’s being gay. I am so scared for him and the choices he will make in life becuase he is only 17years old and in the fall of 2013 he will go to college on his own. He feels that God is OK with him being gay. He re-interprets everything he knows from the Bible and rationalizes everything. He is also very emotional and sometimes given to deep depression. We had a tragedy in my family, my brother took his life last year, and my son obsesses on it. Many times he told me he feels suicidal. He does go to counseling, and taking an anti-depressant, but it doesn’t always help. Some times I feel helpless over his feelings about other guys and the fact that they don’t respond to him in the same way. He gets very depressed over that. He is in a long distance relationship with a boy in Canada, but today he told me that he fell in love with another boy. I’m so confused. His feelings are so strong, yet he can very easily move from one boy to another. This is taking such a toll on me because I hate seeing him depressed and upset. I pray day and night that the Lord will guide him back because I don’t want him to be miserable and lose his salvation and his eternety with Jesus. I met just the other day with a very dear ex-gay Christian brother, Ray Sullivan, California, and I am so glad that my son accepted to meet with him too. Mr. Sullivan pointed me to the website of Sy Rogers and I hope that some day my son will agree to listen to Sy. Can you give me any advice how to help my son as he has these crushes on all of these boys. I feel so helpless.

    • Thanks for commenting Mihaela. Some questions I have: why did your son have a psychological evaluation and how did it reveal he is gay; is your son still looking at gay porn and is he still having sex? In looking at the later, watching gay porn and having sex will contribute to one’s sexual preference – gay and straight. What actions have you taken to stop the porn viewing? If none have been taken, I would start there before anything else. As for talking to people, I would be open to talking with your son via email if he wants.

      • Thank you so much Shawn for your reply. Andrew no longer has access to porn. I put a blocker and changed the passwords to all the computers. He can only have access 2 hours a day with my supervision (walking in at any time) He has not had any sex since the first encounter and that person is no longer in his life, not because he is gay but because that person also had access to drugs and I explained to Andrew that this was a bad influence. I had Andrew undergo a psychological test because he’s been depressed a lot, he got involved in some reckless behavior (had to go to court for a traffic violation, etc.) uncharacteristic of him and his psychiatrist recommended a psychological assessment. Andrew is now in counseling with a Christian counselor, but I don’t know how much he wants to open up. We live in California, so it’s difficult to counsel a gay teen from the Christian prospective. I got Andrew in touch with a pastor who used to live the gay life style. His name is Ray Sullivan. Ray gave us some good resources, specifically Sy Rogers. I purchased a set of DVDs by Sy Rogers which I found very inspirational and full of hope that God can heal. I am hoping that one day Andrew will want to watch them as well. Sy Rogers used to be gay, he underwent treatments to become a woman, and on the brink of having sex change surgery he had a personal encounter with God. He ended up not having the surgery and went on a journey of turning away from the gay lifestyle with God’s help. He is a pastor, married with a daughther and very successful speaker. I would appreciate prayer for Andrew. Thanks again for your reply.

  13. I have to say that there are a few things that I do not agree with in your approach, but those largely extend from the fact that we probably read scripture a little differently. That’s ok. I am happy to see that at last someone from the evangelical party of the church is being healthy, grown up and Christ-like in your counsel for people who are struggling with this issue.

    I come from a parish full of gay families with children. We have lots of very happy, fulfilled, Godly people in our church who are Gay. I take issue with some of your language. Calling it a “lifestyle” is not quite right– no more than my heterosexual life is a “lifestyle” because you insist, beneath it all, that it is always a choice. For most of my friends, it was never a choice- and they did not begin to find their way to Jesus until they found a community that loved them for who they were — and did not take a “love the sinner but hate the sin” approach.

    I get it.. Romans and Leviticus and scriptural inerrancy drive your view of scripture.. That’s an argument I am willing to have with you sometime in person maybe… But know this, there are spirit-filled, vibrant churches in this world full of people who are gay and who love Jesus. They are not suffering from “same sex attraction” or “homosexuality”- they are fulfilled, happy, whole people with lifelong, beautiful commitments to people who happen to be the same gender as they are. They are raising great, whole, Godly, together kids (most of whom are heterosexualy, I might add) who are happy people. So, if I were to give parents advice about how to help their Gay kids, I would say I agree with about 95% of what you say– for that I am grateful. Love, love , love should always win the day. I just think that you miss that gay people are often OK with their being gay and that , in my opinion, (and this is where our differences come in) perhaps God doesn’t want to change their being Gay. Maybe they can be gay and Christian and lead happy, normal lives that way, with God’s help.

    Anyway, this is really complicated. Don’t think I am judging you– I just want to point out that I think you are on the right track… And grateful you are at least teaching evangelical Christians to respond with love first.

    • Thanks for commenting Tim. Would love to meet up and talk sometime, if our paths ever cross. Obviously we have different views about scripture, and yes this divides many on the issue. My heart is that despite our differences about “sin / not sin” we would show the gay community the love of Christ regardless.

      I take an unapologetic stand on my view of scripture and in offering to everyone the same grace of Christ that was offered freely to me.

  14. I appreciate the advice. Thanks especially for the prospective of a Christian parent. Can you recommend an online support group?

  15. Our Foster Son came out as BiSexual. I am a fundamental Christian and I am at a loss to explain what I think. I am doing the I love you thing .. and I do but why does it seem so necessary for him to run up his gay flag and tell Everybody? Being Gay is not his hole identity .. its just another thing about him that I now know. Don’t I get time to process this new information?

  16. Our teenage child came out to us a few weeks ago. We are evangelical Christians in a strong marriage in what we always considered a happy home. It feels like he died. It seems all we do is cry and pray and cry some more in between work and having to put a brave face on for others. Nothing can change our love for him, and we told him so. Please, is there a support group anywhere near Pensacola, Florida?

  17. We just found out our adult son is gay. We have been around his friend before this and he seems to be a very nice man. We do love our son unconditionally and would never condemn him or reject him. He is a christian as we are. He has a close relationship with the Lord. We live in the grace and forgiveness of our Lord, but this is very hard for us. I don’t know how to continue the relationship with our sons friend. I know the Lord has told me to love him with the love of Christ. Do we accept him into our home and family activities the same way we do with other none-gay friends with the same boundaries without giving the impression that we approve. Our son fully knows our biblical views on this. Would like some advice from Shawn.

    • Hi Peggy,

      The suggestions you’ve made are great starting places. I would follow thru with what God has laid upon your heart – love your son’s friend with the love of Christ. Accept him into your home and family activities. Be “Jesus” to him, just as you would hope your son is treated by others. As for other boundaries – like staying over and the like – what are your rules for non-gay, single friends/children? The same rules you set for them, should be the same rules you ask your son and friend to follow.

      Acceptance of your son and his friend does not mean you have to agree with everything they say and do.

  18. My daughter came out about 12 years ago to my complete shock. She was a beautiful girl and always had her choice of any guy in school. She was also a very unusually strong christian and carried a strong presence of the spirit in her life. After she went to college she slowly lost her faith. She moved to California and has slowly turned into a boy in appearance as well as actions. I have loved her unconditionally all this time even though my heart is breaking. She is engaged to a very sweet girl and now that Cali has overturned the gay marriage law, she is getting married. I love her so much and want her to be happy, but I can’t believe that God is pleased with this decision. I am so scared that she will ask me to come to the wedding. I don’t want to make God angry by going and being supportive when I don’t believe in Gay marriage. I also don’t want to hurt her. I prayed for God to give me my precious beautiful daughter and now I feel like I have lost her to something I don’t understand, Please help.

    • Hi Susan. Thanks for sharing. I understand your struggle with things. Personally, I think you can hold to your convictions, and yet still be there for your daughter and her partner. I don’t think showing up necessarily says you support everything your daughter is doing, but it does show her that you still love her and support her as your daughter. Make sense? And I don’t think God will be angry with you because you showed your daughter His love and kindness. (After all, it was while we were in our sin that Jesus died for us because of His love for us.)

      Though it may feel like you’ve lost a daughter, you haven’t. She is still your daughter. Love her with the same love Christ lavishes upon you.

      • It’s hard for me to go to a celebration of marriage for gay people when it is not God’s plan. I think we need to tell them very loving that we do not support their joining together in God’s eyes. I don’t think God approves celebrating His children doing something wrong, but we can love them not their actions.

  19. Wow Shawn! Thank you for your commitment and pursuit of Jesus and for your ministry. My daughter has been married for many years and I found out 4 days ago that she is leaving her husband and starting a relationship with a woman who is leaving her partner of 14 years. Even though these are very difficult issues to deal with at once I realize that God has her on her journey and relationship with him. She and her husband are Christians as I am. I love them both dearly. It takes 2 people to make a relationship and this is between them and God. My main concern is for their beautiful young children..I love my daughter unconditionally but do not support her choice. She and her husband are spectacular parents. This is her choice and I know that her children are her priority but have significant fear for my grandchildren. Do you have any thoughts on such an issue? I would like to fine a support group in my area.

    • Where are you located Kim?

      Does your daughter now profess to be gay? And has she struggled with this for awhile, or is this something totally new? Has she opened up to you about the situation, or to her husband? It may seem odd, but sadly this type of scenario is becoming more popular within families. Have your grandkids talked about their thoughts on everything?

  20. Our daughter is Gay and she is a preachers Kid. I told her we would love her Unconditionally nd accept her but she cant see her girlfriend.

  21. Hi, Shawn, thank you so much for all the information. Do you know of any support groups near Lafayette, LA?

  22. My only daughter is lesbian. she has not told me but i already know. How can a female go from having a boy friend to having a same sex partner. in confused and how can i help her.

  23. Shawn,
    God bless you for your help navigating through such difficult issues! My 17-year-old son just came out to my husband and me 6 days ago. I found and read your article that same day. It was a tremendous help. My question is, should we take our son’s webcam away so that he can no longer Skype with his boyfriend who is in college approximately 2 hours away? I don’t want to support behavior that contradicts our faith but I also don’t want to push away our son who will be 18 in 7 short months. If we allow him to remain in contact via webcam or phone, are we enabling? Realistically, how can we prevent any and all forms of contact anyway? Even if we could prevent contact, would we be discouraging him from continuing to be open and honest with us?

    Thanks for your help!

    • Hi K – great questions. I would allow him to continue talking via webcam, phone, text, etc, unless things go too far. You are right, he will do these things regardless if you allow him or not, especially since he is almost 18.

  24. My son informed us he was gay at the age of 22. He is not living at home but on his own and another man. He knows how we feel and where we stand according to God’s Word on this issue. However, we are not sure what to do about family gatherings such as Christmas. We have always had a big Christmas Eve birthday party for Jesus. We have a brother-in-law and his gay partner come before to it. They have never shown any affection or anything like that in front of us. We thought it to be a good testimony to have them come. Now my son wants the same. My daughter and her family are thinking about not coming because of it. We really desire to do what is right according to God’s will on this. Have we been wrong about this? What should we do?

    • Hi Sheri … a great question. I think the love you should your brother-in-law and his partner was great. Some families/family members can handle this, others cannot, which is OK. I think your son’s desire to have the same love and invitation extended to him and his partner is warranted. If your daughter is not ready, I wouldn’t force her, but I wouldn’t allow her to sway your decision. Your objective is pure and good.

  25. Should family meet and interact with 18 year old son and his 34 year old ” boyfriend…. Example , lunch together or whatever. At this point son spends time with his boyfriend away from house.
    He has met my daughter. I have friended him on Facebook. I talk openly and “normal about him to my son

    • Hi Maureen. I was hoping others would have jumped in to this question; sorry. If your family is comfortable with meeting for lunch, by all means have a meal together. But don’t force them to attend if they are not ready yet. I like the fact that you have reached out to his boyfriend.

  26. There is such a spirit leased out on our children to be gay. The pain that we parents are going through. We have to be encouraged and seek God like never before. Jesus is soon to come. We need God to help us to love our children and maintain our sanity … The enemy is trying to make a mockery of the church. Jesus said the gates of hell shall not prevail against the church. Though we are hurt as parents, FIGHT THE FIGHT. THE FIGHT OF FAITH!!!!

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  29. Hi Shawn, My son is turning 29 and has informed my husband that he is gay and has a boyfriend. My son told me of being gay, only after making me swear to not say anything about his problem. I knew something was wrong and we were not getting along well because I knew there was something wrong and he would not share with me. Of course, after I swore I would hold whatever was wrong to myself, did he inform me of his being gay and about how many times he thought of killing himself. So, seven years later, my son has given this information to his dad and says that I can talk to anyone I want about this. I can not account for the buckets and buckets of tears shed and prayers continually offered. I feel like a stuck record when I pray and sometimes wonder if God is really listening or really cares. Of course, I know God listens and cares. I know it is not my fault as to why my son is this way and that it is not because of how he was raised. I have raised my son to be a Christian, along with parochial education, grade school and high school. My son does profess to be a Christian but, at the moment is not attending church and still maintains that he is a Christian. My husband has not been involved in the Christian raising of our son – he said he was glad the I have taught our son and has supported sending him to Christian grad and high school. My husband has told our son that he loves him but that he does not want to see him with another guy, not will allow him to be brought to our home and that he will not go to our son’s place. Reading info on this sight has helped me to make up my mind about it. I had a hard time because I feel a healthy relationship will not last with our son if we are not involved in his life but, I do not want to support a gay sexual relationship. Over the last seven years I have been immobilized. I feel like the rabbit that knows the snake is around and is just waiting still to figure out where it is and what direction to run but, at the same time, I have to be able to get back to save my babies. I have always been an industrial person but now everything is a burden. I force myself to have fun, to get things done and I am not doing a very good job of it. Some weight has been lifted from my back when my son has told his dad but, I still feel immobilized but is somewhat lifted. My husband does not want to tell the family an definitely does not want me to speak with the pastor or anyone at church. I am interested in the dvds of Ray Sullivan and Sy Rogers. Can you give me the information to contact and order these. I tried to find them online but, I am not that computer savvy. Could you also tell me if there is a support group in St. Louis, MO or somewhere near in Illinois? Thank you for your help. Blessings.

  30. Dear Shawn, my son came out to me about a year and a half ago. We are pastors of a church and are devastated. I am trying to get my self and my husband to be more understanding. I just don’t want to see my son hurt or hell bound. He use to come up for prayer all the time and he told me in tears that he prayed about it and God did not take it away from him. I wanted to know why, if a person is praying about something so serious as this that his prayers are not answered. I prayed, fasted and agreed with him myself but nothing. My son doesn’t want to be hell bound but his prayers are just not getting answered. as far as I can see. I know that faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. My husband tends to preach more about same sex issues and I feel so uncomfortable because I believe we should be teaching not condemning. I want my extended family not to give my son a hard time, especially his brother who is hard against homosexuality. I don’t want their relationship to end. How do I help my son in a silent world, meaning God is quiet right now.

  31. I’m lost I’m confuse I just found out my 17 year old son is bisexual but never been with a boy or a girl he said because he not know what his sexuality is but he fell for a boy on a media network I believe he is gay I had my doubts because how he act he act little feminine I’m scare he is going to get hurt and son naive. He think this 21 year a exerience boy love him after two weeks. I told him I love him and I’m here for him but I don’t accept that he is gay I kept asking him why. Then I went in the bathroom and ask God why was it something I did.

    I need help I don’t want to loose my son

  32. I think the most important action to take is to consistently pray for wisdom and His guidance. Seek support by talking to someone about about how you feel.
    As a Christian live by example, and believe that God knows and will handle it far better than we ever could. Give it to Him and try not to worry.
    Bible wants us to “follow peace with all men”. It does not mean that you are agreeing with whatever the concept may be. As in everything, it is why praying for wisdom and guidance is so important. Love your child , gently let them know you love them no matter what and let God do the rest. The more you learn this the stronger your relationship with God will be and you will witness His power in your life and family. You begin to be free to let go and help someone who is struggling with life’s issues.

  33. Shawn, I need your help! My 14 year old daughter is gay. She has Asperger’s syndrome, depression and anxiety. I just recently suspected it and more recently confronted her, more to relieve her fear and stress. While she was relieved that I knew, she was upset that I wasn’t going to accept it. I told her I’ll love her no matter what. Well, then I went into a nice safe denial and ignored it. It was that or lose my mind. She was raised in a Christian home and went to church with her dad and me. Her Aspergers has been a huge issue in our lives. She prayed when she was little for God to take it away and when he didn’t she stopped believing in Him. I tried telling her that a god doesn’t always do what we want when WE want it, but that he’s always there to get you through it. Well, she didn’t want to hear that. This brings me to to now and the issue of her liking a girl at school. I think the girl likes her back and I have no clue how to deal with it. The rule has always been no dating until she’s 16. So, how do I now handle it when she wants to go to sleep overs or parties where this girl will be? She is just now making friends for the first time in her life.
    If you know what Aspergers is, you’ll know that is huge and she’s been tormented all her life because she had no friends. So, while I want her to be social, I don’t want her around this girl outside of school. Also, how do I handle it when she wants her straight friend to spend the night?
    I am sick over this and feel like I’m losing my mind. She doesn’t want her Dad to know because she’s afraid he’ll treat her differently. I need him to help me through this. What should I do. I feel like God is far away from me right now.

    • Hi Mary! My daughter is 15 and we just found out through a text message she had sent to a friend. We have also told our daughter no dating until 16 and have been asking myself for days of how will we handle that part when she turns 16 in 5mos. She’s already telling us we treat her differently etc. I just found out last weekend and I’ll be honest that I have distanced myself. I’m trying to process all of this. Hopefully others will comment who have been through the dating phase etc.

      • Hi Marc and thanks for commenting. My husband still doesn’t know and I feel awful keeping it from him. He doesn’t understand why I won’t let our daughter go to sleep overs. She’s made new friends now, most of them are lesbians or feminist who strongly support homosexuality. She went to a party last night which was was a sleepover…but not for her. She can’t imagine why I won’t let her sleepover. Ugh, so frustrating! I love her with all my heart and when I think of the choices she’s making, it sickens me.
        How, as a Dad, did you feel when you found out? My husband practically disowned his son for getting a tattoo. His son doesn’t live with us and he hasn’t seen him for about 10 years. My daughter knows this and figures that if he acts that way over a tattoo that he’ll hate her. I don’t want things to change between them…and I don’t want him to be as devastated as I am.
        Any insight you might give me is appreciated.

  34. Hi Shawn, I’m really needing some advice. My daughter told us about her same sex attraction when she was 16. However she told us she knew it was a choice and not what God wanted for her, but after a lot of thought she decided that was the direction she wanted to go. To this day, I still question if she really meant it or if she was just trying to soften the blow for us. The only reason it matters is because we don’t feel like we are dealing with someone who says they have struggled with it as long as they can remember and have been in turmoil over it. That would be heartbreaking but I think we would view it very differently. Anyway, she is now 21 and has been in a relationship with another female for almost 2 years. They plan on marrying next summer. The Lord has been faithful to soften our hearts towards the other young lady. I love my daughter more than words can express and can’t ever imagine dismissing her. Same goes for her partner. I know we are called to show Jesus to them. We have had conversations about our willingness to stay in relationship with them but also not compromise our beliefs. They are both Christians and say the understand our dilemma. Which brings us to my question(s). The wedding. I know it’s a personal decision but I feel very alone and need some advice. We have told them we will attend in support of them, but won’t pay for it as we don’t support the marriage. They’ve asked if we will be in pictures? Or frame them and put them up in the same way we did when her brother was married, and then her sister. It’s important to tell you that our family is uber close. My husband and I followed the assumption that words are powerful, so we tried to consistently affirm our kids as individuals (she is an identical twin) and that we loved them unconditionally. However somewhere along the way she believed the lie that we were disappointed in her. I have told her repeatedly that is absolutely not the case and asked for forgiveness for whatever made her think that. I tell you this because at this moment she and her partner are in another state researching venues. And it breaks my heart that I am not sharing this mother/daughter moment with her. But I just don’t think it would be right. But isn’t that probably hurtful to her when she already believes I’m disappointed in her. So what I need direction on are the logistics of fleshing this out…pictures, weddings, etc. BTW are there any support groups in Lubbock, Texas?? Thank you for your ministry.

  35. In the book “When Homosexuality Hits Home” the author mentions that since some areas are “grey” as far as what scripture does and doesn’t command, he would prefer to use the philosophy of comfort and / or conscience. If it violates YOUR conscience than don’t do it. If it makes YOU uncomfortable than don’t support it. For instance, if your son or daughter wants to sleep overnight with their partner in the same room, if that violates your conscience than you should make it clear to your son or daughter what the boundary is. For instance, “your welcome to come over, but I will not be able to have you spend the night.” This has helped me greatly in determining boundaries. Hope this helps.

  36. My 17 year old son told me that he was gay last July. He also has walked away from God and says that he is an atheist. I’m not sure which hurt more. I also have a younger son who is 15 and heterosexual. My husband and I responded with love to my son. I told him that I love him unconditionally, accept him, but that I don’t necessarily approve of his actions. The latest concern that I have is my youngest son’s reaction. He has maintained his relationship with his brother, but is very scared about how it will affect his friendships with his friends. Our friends are very conservative and the kids have all been homeschooled. He has stopped really inviting his friends over to our house because he fears that they will see that his older brother is gay and not want to hang out with him anymore. We are going on a camping trip this weekend and a couple of our friends’ kids are coming with us. My younger son is afraid that there will be confrontation between his brother and his friends. Also, do I have a responsibility to tell my friends that my son is gay? I feel like I’m walking a balancing act between my two sons.

    • Hi, Kelly. It’s the weekend, I hope you found answers for how to go about your camping trip. For me, my family is the most important to me. You support both of your sons. I think you could tell your friend about your son because her kids will have questions, but it is a two edged sword if you feel like you will receive judgement. My daughter told me being around a gay person doesn’t make you gay, it’s not something you “catch”! I hope that you find support.

  37. I found this site this morning while searching for if I should tell my parents that their granddaughter is gay.

    I have had a daughter who came out to us about 2 years ago. I had certainly suspected so it was not a surprise, but being a Christian I face the struggles Shawn mentions on this site. I have always told my daughter I love her and this does not change that, but she has never believed that and short of telling her and not pushing her to change, I am not sure what I can do. I was open, as Shawn encourages, and did talk with her that I believe that God saying homosexuality is a sin is true because it is Biblical, but that does not change my love for her. Somewhere here I read that Shawn said something that “loving them does not mean loving their choices or lifestyle” or something like that. The statement I have made is “I love you and wish the best for you, but based on my faith and beliefs I would not be marching alongside you in a gay pride parade.”

    At this point my daughter is just a couple months from turning 18. This weekend she blew up from and argument about how she did not like the name of a new kitten the family got, and it suddenly turned into her telling me I do not love her because she is homosexual. I again assured her that was not true that I love her no matter what. She has wanted to move in with her mom because she is not a Christian and there is not that “burden” in the household. In our house we go to church on Sunday’s and our youth pastor has known about her sexuality as long as we have and is just open about it. As I spoke with him this weekend after the new blow up, he explained that the message for all the kids, including my daughter is that we need God because we are all sinners.

    At this point my ex is saying “why can’t you just give a little and just drop your religion and support your daughter?” As I said my ex is not a believer and so that questions makes sense to her. I am a Christian but I do feel I am supporting my daughter as I can, as I have seen Shawn mention in some of the posts I have read here. I have told here I love her and am here for her. My daughter has told my ex that she does not want to live in my house because she feels I do not accept her, but it seems her qualification of whether I accept her or not, means I would need to denounce everything I believe in my God or else it is not enough. Am I wrong in believing that is not a realistic expectation on my daughters part? I do feel that once she moves out she will never speak to me and my wife (her step-mom) agrees. That is what I am scared of. I do not feel I have done anything, she is just to militant about her sexuality that she will accept nothing than arm in arm celebration and revelry in homosexuality or she feels I do not accept her.

    I look forward to people’s thoughts and comments.

  38. I first off want to admit I probably have not handled things right with my 18 year old daughter. The day before my daughter’s graduation party she announced she was gay and had a girlfriend. We got through graduation and told her that if she continued living with us, she could not have an active relationship with another female. She got angry and took her stuff and went to live with the 16 year old girlfriend and her parents. Almost a year goes by and she still blames my husband and I for “kicking her out” and “blaming her for leaving”. What makes it worse the girlfriend’s mother loves to bad mouth us and not being good parents referring us to “shunning ” our daughter. We have met the girlfriend and met the girlfriend’s parents. We keep to ourselves and just try to minimize the drama but my daughter keeps stirring up the pot and comparing our noncompliance to the relationship and the acceptance of the other parents. How do I fix this?

  39. Our 18 year old son told us he was gay July 4th 2015. We have not told any family as we are still struggling with this. Our son has been respectful of this as he didn’t want family to know. Then today I noticed he updated his profile pic on facebook of him and his “bf”. Nothing was said about him being gay but most of his friends know this so as comments pour in it will be obvious. I wasn’t ready to tell family yet but now I feel like we should since I don’t think this is the way it should come out. I talked with our son about this and he said he would delete the comments if I wanted and he also said he block his grandparents from being able to view it I suppose meaning it wont come up on their feed but if other family suspects they can go onto his profile I assume and see it.
    My husband and I are differing on who should tell my parents, I think I should but my husband thinks our son should. I know for a fact our son wont do that. My parents are christians but they have strong views against homosexuality and I’m assuming it’s how I didn’t understand it until finding our about our son. I just feel that I need to. I just don’t know how my parents will react if he tells them. I am pretty sure they will relay the bible to him and be disgusted. I have prayed a lot about this and have felt very strong that I should tell them. Does anyone have advise on this?

    • Michelle, I went through something similar back around Thanksgiving. My daughter is 18. I let her know that I was not able to have open conversations with my parents because she had not told them. This was unfair to me and more importantly it could damage trust with my parents if I continued to keep this from them and she had told nearly everyone else. I gave her the choice to tell them herself or I would then share on my own. She told me to go ahead and tell them. They were disappointed but reacted much better than I thought. At 18 your son is an adult and need to accept that responsibility. I would have much preferred my daughter explain directly, but she chose not to. I was not going to have mine and my wife’s relationship be damaged because I kept this from her any longer as we have known for about three years now.

  40. Thank you! I’m just not sure if I’m quite ready for them or any family to know yet. It’s still so fresh. I know for sure that our son will not tell them which lead to me telling them, which I am fine with, I like how Shawn explains about when his dad called family and told them. I just recently was speaking to a very close friend about this and she advised that I could tell them very little that he is struggling with SSA but we are trusting the Lord and hope they will still love him but if they have further in depth questions then they should be referred to our son. I’ve been praying a lot and waiting for the Lord to lead me to if, when and what to say. Thank you so much again.

  41. I’m having a hard time, although my husband is loving our gay son, he isn’t trying to really connect with him as a father. I know it’s not something he can just change over night but he doesn’t even seem to be trying. He stays on the computer all evening and our son will be out talking he rarely joins in on the conversation then later my husband will say where did A go? I he never gives him his one on one attention, rarely asks him how school or other things are. It breaks my heart. I know it’s all in Gods hands but it’s so sad to watch. Anyone else deal with this, anything helpful?

  42. My daughter has told me she is gay,she is 18 now and the girl she is seeing is 16. I don’t agree with this lifestyle, I have told her i love her and I’m there for her,but I will not financially support this lifestyle, is this wrong

    Any advice

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