Setting boundaries for my gay child

This forum space is to help parents process what type of boundaries to set for their gay child – in regards to dating, friends, sleep overs, hang outs, etc.


87 responses to “Setting boundaries for my gay child

  1. I feel like I can not let my child do something I know isn’t right for them. So, how do you help your child without them hating you?

  2. My daughter is living with her girlfriend. My struggle is how to deal with the girlfriend for social functions. My son and mother will not go to any outing that includes the girlfriend. Also, my son will not include the girlfriend for his daughters birthday party. My husband and I are having a cookout soon for all of our children, in which we included everyones significant others ( all are living with and not married to their significant other ). My son will not be coming with his girlfriend and daughter. We are going to see my daughter’s new place tomorrow. I’m confused what to do. I want her and her gay friends to see that we as Christians are not judgmental and sin is sin. And the only way for them to repent and change their ways is to show God’s love. My son and mother believe that by loving her but not including her partner, that she will change. Help!!!!

    • Hi Marcy,

      I would be happy to email your son about his questions. Your situation is pretty common but also tricky. Some people think that by keeping gay partners away will “magically” fix everything and their gay loved one will come “to their senses.” Unfortunately, all this does is keep everyone separated, with tensions high, feelings hurt, and a Christian witness unseen.

      While your son and mother have a right to their opinion, their understanding about the situation is flawed. Your daughter wants to be accepted by her family, and she wants her family to accept her girlfriend. As hard as it might be, your son and mother need to acknowledge this, and more importantly, the girlfriend. They do not have to change their beliefs, but they do need to change their thinking and attitudes. Loving your daughter and partner means loving them as Christ loves them. Shutting both of them out, as your son and mother seem to be doing, is not showing the love of Christ, much less a positive Christian witness.

      One a side note, your son (and other children) really has no right to point a finger at your daughter’s sin. Them living with their significant others, in unmarried situations, is just as much a sin as your daughter being in a gay relationship. In reference to Matthew 7, we are first to repent of our own sin, before calling others to repent of theirs.

      • my husband and I just found out this week end that our daughter has fallen in love with a woman. My daughter is a pastor and has to step down from the church. We want to love her unconditionally and let her know that nothing will change that. We are playing different scenerios is our heads about if she wants to come to functions, holidays with partner. I told my husband that I wanted us both to be on the same page with never wanting to alienate our daughter, and I would die a thousand deaths if she wasn’t in our lives. Yet, all of our hopes and dreams of that special wedding, grandchildren, and telling our church of 20+ years and their reaction is possibly going to kill me internally. I will fight for her honor to the end.We need wisdom and help from those who have gone through this.

  3. My daughter is gay and living with her girlfriend. She is 21. I have 3 younger children 15, 13 and 9. I havent told my 13 or 9 year olds. They know she is making some bbad choices. Im thinking that i should tell them. Im not sure how. Could you give me some suggestions? And i dont think that she should bring her girlfriend around. I talk to her when i see her and even sent a Christmas present home with my daughter for her girlfriend but i dont want her to come and hang out with us. My daughter wants me to be happy for her and im not. I love her and often reassure her of my unconditional love. It seems like if we all just hang out together that im affirming its ok….please help.

    • Julie, I don’t know if you’ll be back here, but I am in the same boat! Daughter is 24, just emailed us with the information. I have a 13 year old son that has special needs and other issues who is very confused as to why she has been very distant for months. I’d love to share/pray with you. Feel free to contact me at

  4. I am so excited to have found your site. I have been struggling for the past few years since our 19 year old daughter told us she is gay. I have felt so alone. This is such a difficult cross to bear and one that leaves you feeling like you are caught in the middle between showing your child unconditional love while remaining true to God and his commands. My husband and I have no idea what we are doing as we try to navigate through these uncharted waters. We need support, prayer and guidance.
    I really appreciate your transparency Shawn and all the resources on your site. Hearing your story gives me hope in the midst of confusion, uncertainty and feelings of helplessness. Right now what I need the most is to be in touch with other Christian parents who are going through this. It’s not something you feel you can bring up at church on a Sunday morning over coffee in the atrium. I struggle so much with similar feelings and worries as the other people who have posted on here. I tried to click on your email link but it will not open for me. Can you please email me? Thank you and God Bless your ministry.

    • Julie,
      This is such a hard thing to deal with as a parent. I flip back and forth between feeling so bad for my daughter who is 23 and thinks she is gay and being angry at times that she would allow herself to be fed this lie. It is a helpless feeling for sure. How do you fight but I was born this way?? At least with other sins people mostly know they are wrong or the its a sin but “God made me this way and I was born this way” is a way to avoid saying something is wrong. I am going to a support group at my church that is helping…it is for Friends and Family of Gay and Lesbians….they are teaching love and grace and lots of patience!! I am learning in this process!! I fear for my daughter who calls herself a Christian because tonight when our pastor preached on walking in the Spirit or the Flesh ….one being saved, the other one not, its so clear my daughter is walking in the flesh…how can she listen to this from the Bible and choose to keep walking in the flesh, how can she ignore what Jesus did on the cross for her? I guess I am not helping much but if you are like me your feelings on this bottle up and not many people you can talk to about it. I pray for you and your husband and daughter. If you have any particular questions feel free to ask me or if you just need to talk. Kay

    • Hi julie. I’m in a similar boat.just don’t know what to do. My daughter “came out” a yr ago and she is only 14. She said she has been struggling since grade grade 5. .. WHAT????
      I raised her Christian since birth. I hate what she is doing but love her to bits . I want to provide provide a safe place for her to talk feel accepted ect but I’m not coping with all she dumps on me . (I told her to talk freely ) I try to ban her from relationships till she older But I can’t stop what happens at school. Do I let her have her girlfriend / best friend sleep over (maybe in another room) or stop that ?? If I be too strict she will move out when bit older but if I allow her to make her choices is that wrong??? HELP signed mother loosing what little mind I have left. 😨😨😨😨

  5. I need to know how do I set boundaries regarding sleep overs, hang outs. My daughter has not came out yet. I would not allow a boyfriend to stay over. Please help

      • I’m new to this site and I have the same question. How do I sent boundaries regarding sleep overs, hang outs. My son is gay.

    • Im also having a hard time with boundries…I fell apart when I found out my daughter was gay. I kicked her out because a pastor told me to….it was devistating to our relationship and I have not been back to church for two years…I started self destructing with alcohol and dating a married man…sick I know. Its as if I was in rebellion against her and God …I also couldnt bare hearing the truth about homosexuality from the pulpit and trying to maintain a relationship with my daughter. I have since stopped my bad behavior and reaching out to God again and trying to get my own life in order. She tells me other people love her more than I do and treat her with more love and respect than I do. Im afraid if I let this girlfriend into my life that my daughter will continue to push the boundries with me like wanted her to stay over. I already told her they could not sleep here but she asked if she and her gf coould take me to the mountains for my birthday…I feel like I have to constantly fight the current with this…its sad and exhausting…I wish I did not ever have to go thru this nor do I wish it on any Christian parent…I have allowed this to break my own convictions and self destruct…please pray for us as I will pray for you too

  6. My 19 yo daughter came home from college in the wee hours of the morning to tell me she is gay. I felt I did the right things then but later I did all the wrong things. Accusing a girl I think she was in a relationship with to stay away, threatening to call her parents which I would never have done, but my daughter thought I would so she called which had a roller coaster effect. I have always thought I could accept anything but when it was thrown at me I couldn’t do it. My husband actually did better than I did in taking time to think first. I didn’t…I reacted overly much! Now I feel as she has withdrawn from me even though i said I am sorry and I tell her I love her all the time. But she is away at school and she has yet to talk to me in any method except text. What else can I do? I am ashamed of the way I acted. But I can’t undo it now. I am just so confused. I was a tomboy and she was too, or so I thought. I know love the sinner but not the sin…but it is hard to separate the two. I just don’t want to lose her. She is my only child and we were best friends too. I don’t understand why she couldn’t talk to me before about all this and then jerk the rug out from under my feet.

    • Sometimes, it takes time to heal wounds of the past. While you may be sincere, it might take time for your daughter to “get over” things. Beating yourself up isn’t healthy, either, Beatrice. Forgive yourself and allow God to move and restore your relationship. Reach out in other ways to your daughter besides calling. If she is with a partner, reach out to both of them. Your daughter might be looking for visible proof that you’re sorry – not just words. Praying for healing between her and you.

  7. Hi Shawn, Thank you for your transparency and willingness to share the intimate details of your life. May God continue to richly bless you, your amazing wife, and children. I have co-workers, friends and family that are gay — all that are “out” are living the lifestyle. Most are professing Christians. I struggle with the application of Biblical passages like 1 Corinthians 5:9-12 where God, through the Apostle Paul, instructs Christians “not to associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral…” I don’t think it’s a sin to be gay; I do think however it is a sin to have same sex-sex. But if someone is actively engaged in same sex-sex (my understanding of the technical, biblical definition of a “homosexual”), it seems to me that I don’t have God-given permission to attend a same-sex wedding, or “even eat” with a Christian friend and his boyfriend or husband. To be clear, there’s currently a great deal of space between me and my gay friends and family who say they are Christians because I’m borderline Pharisaical (ie evangelical conservative). But I haven’t found a good resource that parses the complex issues related to engaging “God just wants me to be happy and he’s OK with everything I’m doing” gay Christians. Your thoughts?

    • If you don’t mind, I would like to use this question as a post on my blog. The short answer I’ll give here, if God is asking you to develop friendships with gays and lesbians, then by all means please do so. The story you refer to in 1 Corinthians is about the church not dealing with the sin before themselves. In 2 Corinthians, Paul calls the church to restore the person he previously wrote about, because the church kicked out the person and left him be. Just as Jesus didn’t condone sinful behavior, He did see the person for who they were and ministered to them out of love and mercy. We need to see the person, not just their sin, and be ministers of reconciliation to them. It’s a tricky balance sometimes, but one I believe God calls us into.

  8. Hi, our previously very straight daughter “came out” to us 4 yrs ago saying she may be gay because she had been secretly having a same sex relationship while away at college. . She ended that relationship shortly after that timr but told me she wanted to be sure about this, so she planned to go hang out with a few new gay friends to see what would happen. We took it in stride then, trying to be politically rather than biblically correct, but also because we didn’t want to make it a power struggle she would rebel against. So after this time our daughter met the young woman she’s been living with for 3 yrs. As time went on and she declared herself a gay young woman, the pain and anger we felt and displayed were at times overwheling and very intense. She has said “the honeymoon ended long ago” in reference to their relationship, she has yet to end it nor discuss very probable root cause of why she doesnt trust men or want their touch. i strongly feel she allowed a sexual relationship to developevwith a woman because dhe was betrayed by men (as a child of 11 she was molested repeatedly by her best friends older brother and then deeply hurt during her hs and then college years by the next two guys she gave her heart/love).
    I’m writing tonight to share how we cope now. With boundries, much prayer and Christian counseling we have come to a boundary we can agree with Dana about but one that helps us all function better in this tension of our daughter’s same sex relationship.
    1- treat her partner as we would her best friend, welcome in and around us in the role as her friend, saying we are respecting and valuing them both as best friends, but we will not turn against God’s word, even for her so we can not show respect for their intimate relationship (her girlfriend does not get to come to family get togethers that would sppesr to show we accept her friend in the role of our daughter’s boyfriend/girlfriend) this has worked for us to avoid not talking about the “pink elephant in the room. .

      • Hi Shawn, it’s been awhile since I’ve been on your site, so sorry I haven’t answered.
        The relationship with our daughter was good until the 1st cousin in my husbands family had a destination wedding 2 summers ago. She didn’t ever ask us if she could go with us (we had reserved/paid for the 2 hotel rooms for us and our 3 adult children). BUT then we learned 4 mths later that the engaged cousin did ask her, she had heard (they were not close) a rumor that our daughter was in a long term same sex relationship, so her and her parents/my brother/sister in law arranged to met our daughter for lunch (behind my husband and my backs), and told her they knew of and approved of her same sex relationship. They said regardless of how we felt, they were inviting her to bring her girlfriend. This caused a huge fight with my husband and his brother, with deep resentment between them to this day. We both knew if God allowed them to stay together, one day that we would need Gods Grace to find the way to be all together with them in a couple role. But it was having another person force this upon us in such a disrespecting betrayal of loyalty towards my husband by his brother, that almost destroyed our family. Thankfully over this past year God continues to hear our prayers for the ability to forgive each other and all be together. Our relationship with our daughter is good again and her girlfriend is allowed now at family functions (but she doesn’t chose to always come with our daughter). Each day is another step for us in learning how to be more loving and Christ like, by dying to our anger/hurt/shame loving her in an Agape way to become better at showing His love, not condoning but not condeming. In Christ.

  9. Shawn, I am so thankful I found your website. Our 18 year old son just came out to us a few (four to be exact) weeks ago. We are an evangelical Christian family, and he’s been in church and seen it lived at home his whole life. After this blur of tears and blaming ourselves and crying out to God we are faced with how to set boundaries. This is going to sound harsh, but I don’t want his friends in our home. I am so relieved to find your website. It gives me hope.

    • Thanks for your comment Dawn. I understand it might be weird and uncomfortable for your son’s friends to be in your house, but look at it this way. What if God is asking you to be His presence (image) to your son and his friends? What if through your acceptance of them and love for them, they experience Christ and He begins to transform their lives? Another thing, how would you want other adults to treat your son in their home or out in public? Treat his friends the same way. Thoughts?

      • Does anyone have a story of how showing Christ’s love and accepting the boyfriend or girlfriend ever helped the situation so they turned from being homosexual ??? I don’t see it helping, I see it enabling them to keep doing wrong!!

  10. hello. i am a parent of a 18 year old gay son. he came out after being bullied quite badly his freashmen year. Yes at first i did the whole poor me thing but then focused on him. I tiold him i will always love him there was no doubt about that. But the casual sex is what i have issues withi told him to rrspect himself and his body , but i guess gay boys only think about one thing,,sex. two years ago we went threw the HIV scare, got threw that with minalam damage. so i thought he would try be more careful. he wants a realtionship but at this age not many boys seem tothink his way. i find he is going on gay web sites and meeting them behind my back. this scares me because i feel some non accepting persom can hurt him. so we fight about this all the time. how can i be suporting and keep the only thing i love in this world safe… he has seemed to have shut me out of all that is going on in his life. i just want him to be honest with me.
    thanks for lesting Laurie

    • Hi Laurie – I would be happy to talk with your son, if you both want. While you can’t keep him from having sex, I would keep talking to him about the importance of safe-sex and the need for him to really not have sex – especially with strangers.

      • Shawn and Laurie, I just came across this blog and am in the same situation with my 17 yr old son. He has met a lot of guys on a site and I just found out the other week, that he met up and slept with one of them in one day. It disturbs me to know that he is going so fast. I told him that it’s not safe and it scares me. I have talked with him about AIDs and STD’s, which he learned about in school. I think he is thinking only with his body. Help!

  11. Praise God! Just like my search for a Church home it can take some time to find the spirit of “Truth”. I found my church home 8 years ago. 🙂 He is my shepherd and I know his voice! Shawn I can tell you hang out with Jesus for real! That makes me happy! I need SUPPORT!!! My 17 year old step daughter lives with us most of the time. The rest is spent at her mom’s where the sexual immorality is unfathomable. She has a girlfriend who hangs out over there. I want to love on the girl Jesus has already softened my heart to her. The only way our daughter can spend time with her now is in our supervision. I’m assuming it is ok that I let them know we do not want any displays of affection in our home. Also my daughter who is , unfortunately has picked up on the topic over time. She is very bright. 🙂 I do not want her to get mixed messages from the older girls. She adores her older sister naturally. I am dealing with so much. This sight is a breath of fresh air! Thank you Jesus! I will take all the help I can get!

    • Hi Tara – I’m a bit confused. Is your step-daughter the one with the girlfriend, and are you concerned with your other daughter being around her? Thanks for the clarification.

  12. My 15 year old daughter (step-daughter technically although I never refer to her that way as I’ve raised her since she was 7) is showing signs to me of being either confused or curious and I’m not really sure how to talk about it or if now is even the time. A little background is that her Mom whom she visits with often is in same sex relationships and has on occasion lived with same sex partners. She and my husband had a brief relationship in their early twenties. Our daughter has always been around these types of relationships and exposed to pride parades and what I view as propaganda. I feel deep down that she has been influenced either purposefully or out of love for her other Mom to be gay. I also feel like we live in a society where it’s trendy to be gay. Personally, (being completely honest) I just want to bury my head in the sand and not deal with this at all but I know that is irresponsible. I simply don’t know how to say….”do you like boys or girls”? Or… “are you confused about your sexuality”? I think in this type of situation where one set of parents are heterosexual and one parent is homosexual some confusion is expected. I want to be truly Christian about my response but mainly I need to know how to get through the teen years with boundaries in place while she is figuring it all out. I just mainly don’t know what to do or if I should do anything……

    • Thanks for posting.

      I think a conversation can be started with your daughter about her confusion. Do you (or have you) talked about her thoughts on her mom and same-sex relationships? Maybe you can start there, leading into asking your daughter about her own confusion or struggle with things. I would approach the conversation with much prayer and discernment, and I would listen more than speak.

      What does your husband think about everything?

  13. My 15 yr old daughter considers herself “bi” and a nonbeliever. She has had a mutual interest in another girl (16) at school who seems to be the pursuer in the relationship. I’ve allowed her to hang out with my daughter at the house a few times, usually when other friends were around. At a recent family party they were together in the house with obvious but minor displays of affection. My wife and I are unsure about what boundaries to put in place. We are pretty relaxed parents in many ways but the p.d.a. made us uncomfortable. I’m afraid if we try to keep them from being together it would do more harm than good.

    • Hi Jon … have you spoke with your daughter about your expectations in regards to PDA? Though having the conversation may be rough and uncomfortable, I think it needs to be had. You wouldn’t have to keep your daughter and her friend apart. However, if PDA continues, and it goes beyond the rules you set-up, you can limit the time and places your daughter and her friend can be together. She still needs to obey your rules of the house. My one big caution, however, would be this: if you have other children in relationships, set the same rules for everyone.

      • Hi Shawn,
        I appreciate your advice from last year. Now that my bi-sexual daughter is 16 (the age she was allowed to start dating before we knew her to be interested in other girls), she is now wanting to go out on dates with her girlfriend from school. I would let her date a guy but I am uncomfortable with her dating a girl. Do you think 16 is old enough to let her make her own choices in this area? I’m conflicted; I want to honor God with my parenting yet at some point a child is responsible for their own life. Also, I understand that you’re concerned that the same rules apply to homosexual kids as those of heterosexual kids, but what is it that lead you to that position? (Assuming I’m stating your view correctly).

      • Hi Jonathan. I’ve been thinking on how to respond. You are correct in stating my view, and came to this in talking with other gay teens and others in ministry to gay teens. You are also correct in stating that sometimes we need to allow our kids to make their own choices – even not right ones. Walking this line is hard and needs to be discerned with heavy prayer. In regards to your daughter and her dating, what is God leading you to do? This isn’t me dodging the question 🙂 But I want to really know, what direction do you feel God leading you?

  14. Shawn,
    Our oldest son came out to us 10 years ago (he is currently almost 31), and we have definitely been on a journey we never thought we would tread! It is comforting to know that we have made many choices in loving our son that coincide with your recommendations. It has taken a long time of consistently showing him unconditional love and acceptance of him as a person for him to get it…..that we could love him deeply but not condone his life choices. In this journey, we have questioned many times, how do we do this without compromising our faith? The conclusion we have come to is that we are called to love…to love our son, to love his partner….how else will they see Jesus? (Our son and his partner profess to be atheists)

    Each of them know where we stand with our beliefs. When our son began his relationship with his partner we sat them both down and explained that we would always love him, and that we would not banish his partner from our presence. However we did state our position of faith in Jesus Christ, and that God has made it very clear His view on homosexuality as sin, and that we can accept our son’s choice, but can not condone. I have to say that our son has become very respectful of our position even though he thinks we’re deluded:)…..One of the areas that we’re still struggling with is how to appropriately approach their desire to share a room when they are with us on vacation or want to stay at the house when they are in town.
    The way we have been handling it is to tell them that they are welcome, but they cannot share a room. I explained it to our son this way: I told him that because we believe in God/Jesus, and we believe his word to be true, we cannot actively take part in, or support, sinful behavior, and that’s what we feel we would be doing if we allowed them to share a room. Of course he thinks we’re silly, but he said he would respect our wishes in these situations, and has. We are still struggling with how to discuss or even if we should discuss his insistence on PDA when around us. It’s not over the top, but it’s uncomfortable and painful to see.

    Anyway, I think I would just like to know if we are appropriately showing our son love without compromising our faith? I think we are, but it’s hard to be objective when it’s your child in this situation.

    • Hi Lgrimes61,
      I believe your response to your son and his partner is solid. You have stated your love for them both, and you have welcomed them into your home and family times. I think that’s great. You haven’t compromised your faith, in my opinion, in doing these things; rather you’ve told your son in words and actions your love for him and his friend. As for them staying at your house and with you on trips, you have the right to set the boundaries. I would only caution, if you have other children in relationships, you should apply the same ground rules to them, too.

      • My gay son keeps bringing up questions like would we come to his wedding if he were to get married. I honestly don’t know what I would do. I feel like if I did it would be compromising my beliefs, but I feel if I didn’t that I will lose my son. How should a Christian parent handle a situation like this.

  15. Thank you everyone here for all you have shared in your personal struggles. I struggle with my eldest song recently coming out. We are a strongly christian family and my son has been a cathedral chorister since a young age, and is still involved in Cathedral choir duties. I have been grieving over the past few weeks as we struggle as many others here have done to do and say the right thing. It is such a sensitive subject at the moment and my heart breaks as I look at all the old photos of my sons life with us from the moment he was given as gods gift to us and through the years. I My overwhelming response to him is to reassure him of our continued love for him. There is much we will need to learn and it will be a difficult journey but God is in this with us, I turn to God more and to pray for gods wisdom. My son is bringing his gay son to visit soon for the first time and stay overnight …we want to meet him,,but at the same time to give boundaries from the start. While here in our family home they will be expected to have separate bedrooms. ( AS also would be expected in future when his three younger siblings start having boyfriends/girlfriends to stay)
    We are so grateful to hear from other christian parents here who are coping with all these issues to talk too about their sruggles You have much wisdom. to share. We have felt so alone and it has been a great shock to all my sons extended family too. Thank you for all you have shared so openly.

  16. We found out over the summer that our 17 yo son has SSA. He had not acted on it until recently. We found out he has a “secret bf” at school – our son is a junior and the bf is a senior. They have been publicly kissing at school and who knows what else when alone. We have been loving with our son. From the beginning we told him that we love him unconditionally but that we believe God’s ideal is one man and one woman. We are so lost as to what to do about this secret boyfriend. Ignoring it or pretending he doesn’t exist isn’t what we think God would have us do. Needing some good advice!!

  17. My 27 year old son told me that he was gay for the first time about 6 years ago while he was in college. He struggled with it for awhile and even dated several women including a very nice young lady for two years. I was hoping that he would continue to date women and eventually get married. But, after he returned home from college I began to notice he didn’t seem to have any interest in dating. He also became very moody and rejected any form of affection from me, his mother. He soon began staying out all night and even days at a time . He told me that he was with his straight friends club hopping, But it turns out he was with a gay lover. Although I told him that I still love him and will support him no matter what, I also told him that as a Christian I do not agree with his gay lifestyle. We have told no one else, not even his father, and he seems to prefer it this way. I am deeply hurt and i am struggling with to accept it, especially him staying out all night with his lover. He leaves for work on Friday and returns late Sunday night. We used to go to church together on Sundays, but now he doesn’t come home until Sunday night. When he is home he mostly stays in his bedroom. This is even more hurtful because he is my only child and we have always been very close. We are both seeing Christian therapist and he is now spending a lot of time reconnecting with his dad. We were never married but did our best to co-parent in spite of our differences.
    I have never met his lover but I am still feeling hurt, depressed, and I can’t sleep when he is away. I have gained tones of weight. I don’t go out with friends and family because I don’t want to deal with the questions, but I need support in dealing with this. Should I address the issue of him staying out all night with his lover every weekend? I am so confused. How do I maintain my position in Christ while supporting him through his pain and lifestyle choices?

  18. My 16 yr old daughter is a Christian and was caught kissing her best friend. She admitted that they have been dating for 6 months secretly. I’m struggling with what rules to have in place. So far the rules are that they can’t be alone together and no more sleepovers. But they want to go on dates like going to the movies and bowling. Also I don’t feel comfortable letting my daughter spend the night with her other friends now but I’m not sure if that is fair to her. This is all very new and very hard for me. I am her adopted mom and have only had her in my home for 9 months. I continue to tell her I love her and that can’t change. And I tell her that I can’t tell her who she can and can’t like but that I do believe the bible and I will have rules. She looks at me with such hate sometimes. Please help.

  19. I have a 17 year-old son (a 14-year-old daughter and 10-year-old son as well) who just informed me that he is gay about a month ago. I will ask the question I have first in case you don’t want to read through the whole background story. My son thinks that now that he’s told me, all should be fine and dandy and I should just “accept this is how he is” and all the rules can change now. He’s relentlessly trying to get me to agree to let him stay over at his best friend’s house, who is a girl. I told him that I didn’t think that that was appropriate, and at this point I’m not even sure about having sleepovers with either gender. I told him this is something that is way down on my priority list right now as we need time to process this and pray about it before I start making parental decisions that may affect my walk with the Lord or the rest of the family. This really confuses me on how to be fair to all children yet not sacrifice my personal convictions regarding my God-given duty and right as a parent to raise my children. As I will state later it is a FACT that males’ hormones don’t even level out until they’re around the age of 25, and it is not all that rare for them to go back and forth with how they feel sexually, especially if they have other extenuating circumstances that have happened in their young life So even if he’s 100% sure today that he is not attracted to women does not mean he won’t be later.

    I believe that this is not how God designed us and any sex that is not between a man and woman in marriage is sin. I’ve been reluctant to comment on forums because I see all of the name calling and anger being thrown around. I’m quite frankly tired of reading comments where Christians are practically screamed at and called haters, intolerant, and ignorant just because he/she points out that homosexuality is a sin. Just because we disagree in our beliefs and views and stand up for them, does not make us any of those things. Granted, I’m sure there are many that are, but the tone and manner in which someone speaks their opinion and Biblical truth does not automatically make them what they are accused of. Why is it that it’s okay for us to be bashed like that, yet we’re the ones that have to tiptoe around the subject, be careful to be “politically correct,” placate, and apologize when we didn’t even say or do anything other than simply state a biblical viewpoint? That’s not why I’m here but felt that I needed to get that off my chest.

    In doing exhaustive research on both credible Christian and secular websites, research as well as biological fact has found that males will experience hormonal surges and changes until around the age of 25 and that an overwhelming amount of men who were convinced they were gay in their teens find that they are very much straight by their 20s (by they way, I found that information more on secular psychiatric and mental health sites than any Christian sites). Also in those same studies it listed a number of factors that shape a boy’s homosexual feelings: weak/strained relationship with father, sexual experience perpetrated by older boy(s) on them, not being the typical sports oriented or tough boy and called gay and other harmful names in middle school or earlier, etc. All of these things and other situations fit my son which have been very painful to him and me as his mother. Given all of this, I think it is very harmful for him or any teen to self-identify any sexual orientation until these background issues have been thoroughly dealt with.

    My son apparently has spent the last year or so reading as much as he can on the Internet to validate and encourage these feelings. The Internet is a great place but also a very harmful place if you’re not careful what you’re reading and from whom and how much time you’re spending on it. He is an extremely smart boy, like rocket scientist smart, no joke. Whenever he has an idea or feeling about anything he’s like a dog on a bone. He will argue to the point of bullying a person until they agree with what he thinks or feels. This topic is certainly no exception. As a mother, I am deeply grieved that he has been struggling with trying to figure this all out on his own for so long.

    As I said, he just told me a month ago. He has agreed to see a counselor with me so we both can work through all of this together. I have assured him that I love him unconditionally and just because I disagree with him on this does not in any way, shape, or form change my love or support for him or desire for him to be at peace and successful in life. My main concern right now is that we work through the background garbage he has apparently not dealt with. (He had been seeing a counselor for the last year and apparently never mentioned that he was going through these feelings too on top of not really opening up about the other things that were bothering him as he revealed to me the other day. So we are going to go to another one together as he has requested.) I have also told him that even if he continues to feel this way the rest of his life, I will forever be his mother and love and support him. I will never agree that this is right, but that is between him and God. I’m not going to brow beat him, shun him, or treat him any differently than I have since he was born. I’m just here to love him through life.

    So I need solid Christian parenting advice on how to satisfactorily answer his current demand immediately to at least contain that particular fire while we work on all the other things. I’m not necessarily looking for a yes or no to allow him to stay at his girl friend’s house on occasion, but an answer that will help us both in not making that decision one way or the other right now. I am not kidding or exaggerating when I tell you this kid is relentless when he wants something…..anything! I have teachers, youth pastor, friends, etc., that can vouch for me in their own experiences with him. He is currently at a Christian youth camp this whole week with his sister that he has gone to every year since he was in 6th grade. He’s texting me several times a day telling me how miserable he is, how ignorant everyone there is, how his spiritual growth is the last thing on his list, and how I need to do research and see his way on this whole sleepover thing. So an answer/helpful advice to keep this issue from escalating would be greatly appreciated.

  20. I just came across your website. I have a daughter that’s 20 and she said she is gay. She has been raised in church and has also been in ministry and has always liked guys until a little over a year ago when she met her friend in college. As a christian I want to do what God wants me to do and I have prayed and cried so much I feel hopeless at times. My husband and I have 4 children ranging in ages of 28, 24, 20 and 17 and only has my relationship with my daughter gotten better because I have allowed her friend in our home. I’m trying to show unconditional love towards my daughter but it has caused major strife with my oldest son and now he will not come around or his wife and my grandson even if she is not at my house. I lost my mother whom I was very close to, but this is by far the hardest thing our family has had to face. Is like I am having to give up one of my children to have a relationship with the other. I don’t really know what to do my heart hurts and I am praying for restoration. Any advice

    • Michelle, My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. I have an 18 year old son that says he is bisexual. He was with a man one night, that I was not aware of, and came back saying that he just might turn gay.
      That was a fearful night for me.
      With news about teen and adult suicides, I just try to love the sinner but hate the sin approach. I have told him that I will always love him and be there for him, no matter what. I have prayed and had others pray for him and through this, I have given it to God. Sometimes we, as parents, try to take on our children’s sin as our own, and that is where we are in the wrong. Your daughter and my son have to be accountable for their own sin. We can’t do anything for them, it’s their life and in God’s hands. I can tell you that I do have a peace about things now. I don’t really understand why it’s happening to my son but I feel like with God’s help, everything will turn out ok. He is in control and I thank HIm for that.
      Michelle, I will keep your daughter in my prayers and your family. It hurts and it is scary but put it in God’s hands. He will take care of you and your daughter. As for your son and daughter in-law, I will pray for them to have understanding of what family means and that all of you are hurting.
      God Bless you!

  21. My 15 year old daughter just came out to me as being bisexual, although she has only dated boys and currently has a boyfriend. She is very involved with the youth group at church, attends Bible studies outside of the regular youth programming, and recently joined our church’s student leadership group, all of her own will. She says she does not believe homosexuality is a sin. She is asking permission to join the Gender Sexuality Alliance club at school, which is a support group for GLTB students. I feel like she is still searching for her identity and I fear that if she joins the club, she stamps herself with a permanent label. She says the kids in that club are funny, caring, and happy, and a very close family. Could she just be looking for acceptance? Should I allow her to join that club? I’m afraid it will cement something in her mind that isn’t really firmly established yet.

  22. I found pictures of my son kissing another guy. Videos of them calling each boyfriend and telling each other they love each other. My son is away at college. He is taking exams so I have tried to act like everything is normal. I feel like I want to die. I am angry, disgusted. I am hurt. I want to scream and run away and hide. I cannot even talk to my husband. He know also. I feel like I am walking around in a fog or dream.

    • Cindy, I know how you feel. It’s so hard seeing your son, that you thought you knew, change into a completely different person. Someone that you don’t even recognize. I too have had to go through almost the same thing, except our son is still living with us and going to community college. I don’t have an answer for you but wanted to respond and remind you that he is still your son and that you probably need to confront him after all this and let him tell you how he feels. I have just come to the realization that I want my son to be happy. We are trying to keep him grounded and ask that he continue going to Church with us and I pray for him everyday. God knows our hurts and our hearts. Unfortunately, your son is the only one who has to make the decision to change, we can’t do it for them. With so many young people taking their lives because they aren’t accepted in their family or society, it breaks my heart and if you can’t support them, then love on them. Try to find out why he feels the way he does and don’t ostracise him. He needs you more now then ever! It’s so hard but stay strong!!!!

  23. I commented on this forum a year or so ago when my own son came out, Initially I really struggled with this but over time I learnt to love and accept the relationship and came to truly love my sons boyfriend, I still do.
    My son died just before Christmas 2014, killed while cycling by a careless driver who cut the corner and drove straight into him. He died instantly and the pain and loss has been beyond words, he was only 22 yrs. Love your children, don’t judge, none of us know for how long we have our loved ones with us. Love can not fail. God’s love does not fail. I am very close still with my sons boyfriend who is now a dearly loved friend and I hope he will always be, he is always welcome in our family. We have been able to support each other through the grief and loss, through the tears and pain. He is one of the most thoughtful, kind and loving people I have ever known. He made my sons last days really happy and for that I shall be forever thankful xx

    • Sue, wow! You have a story and I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I agree with you, we don’t know what tomorrow holds. Love your children no matter what. I’m sure you just wanted your son to be happy even if you didn’t agree with his life style. You know we all want to be accepted and loved. I think you have a great story and am so glad that you have kept your friendship with your son’s friend. God Bless you and your family! You are awesome! Thanks for sharing.

  24. Hello, I am new to this site and well actually to the whole gay thing. Our 18 year old son just told us he is gay. I am so confused,hurt, sad I can’t even think straight. He is a born again Christian although not in the scriptures, which is where I’m feeling the guilt. We are Christians have really not been consistent in taking our kids to church growing up ect so I feel it’s my fault he has chose this path. He told us that God “created” him this way therefore God loves him. I have told him that yes God loves him but he did not create him this way since it is against what God has put in the Bible.
    I love my son unconditionally and we have told him this repeatedly but also that we don’t agree and accept his decision to be gay. My confusion is if we are to accept his “boyfriend” if and when he has one and wants to bring him to the home we are to accept them here and love them, how is that different than if someone is addicted to drugs, we obviously love them but wouldn’t want the drugs in the home because they are both sins. I’m just so confused right now, I we our son needs so much prayer right now. We have no one to talk to I’m so scared right now. The thought that my son may be living in sin (we do not know if he’s acted on this meaning been with another boy) and not living eternal life with Jesus is so hard. Any advise would be greatly helpful. thank you

  25. My husband and I are in desperately need of help. I wrote something on here a few days ago and no one has responded. Please we don’t know where to start and how to respond to stuff he’s asking of us and telling us.

  26. Hi Michelle,
    I am praying for you. I was in your same spot a year and a half ago. It is very hard and feels very confusing. But it does get easier. Your biggest job right now is to love your son. Love. Love. Love. And pray about what boundaries to set. Email me if you would like to have a friend to walk with through this journey. My email is

  27. Hi Michele,
    I have been in the same boat as you with a gay son. Actually he claims to be bisexual but he hasn’t had any luck dating girls 😦 I am in constant prayer for him and I know that God has his own time table. “The squeaky wheel gets the oil” i like to say. Don’t feel guilty that you didn’t bring your children up in church, I did and he still has decided to go that way. Our world just seems to be under satan’s thumb right now. God is in control and He will conquer evil. Just love your son. Love the sinner and hate the sin. I’ll keep your family in my prayers. Peace be with you and your husband.

  28. Thank you Sharon and Lexi, We are so confused. I don’t know what to do with boundries when the time comes. I’m scared, we feel embarrassed and ashamed. We feel although he keeps telling us it’s not a sin, God made him this way therefore he loves him and accepts his homosexuality, in my heart I feel he still feels it is. He told me I was just making him feel guilty, and I told him I wasn’t I was just telling him where in the Bible it says it is, but if he knew he was so right about it he wouldn’t feel guilt. Then I has asked him to please not put anything on facebook until dad and I could absorb all of this and he said he wasn’t going to tell anyone (except his close friends), which again leads me to believe he’s embarrassed or ashamed.We feel he made this decision because during the course of his “confusion” when he was 15/16 yrs old he met a gay boy at school whom he talked to about it and then a girl he works with is lesbian so he talked to her about it, and with her influence because her dad is a pastor (not sure where) he agrees that it’s not a sin. So I feel like he knows deep down that it is.
    We are just so confused and scared, I know I need to love him like Christ loves us but I”m finding it hard, I feel like if I show him I love him,in his mind he thinks we’re agreeing to it.
    He asked me to put the Bible down so I can learn to accept and agree and I told him I would never agree with it because I believe what the Bible says. He keeps telling us that it’s not one of the 10 commandments and we need to read the book of Romans and we’ve tried explaining to him but he’s blinded right now.
    Thank you for the prayers and responding.

  29. Michele, I know it’s hard…..I am dealing with issues myself and until we can find the answers, I am just relying on God’s guidance. Is there someone he can talk to, like your pastor or another pastor in the area, a close friend or confidant? My son doesn’t like to listen to our views, but he will if it’s someone he respects. The world is just pouring evil into our children. Making them believe “they were born this way.”
    You don’t want to turn your son away from you. He needs you more now than ever. Yes, he is insecure about his decision. That’s why he has to talk to someone about it. We need to love like Christ loves. We need to be the Christian witness. Love unconditionally. What if something happend to him today, would you feel guilty for not showing and telling him how much he is loved?
    You know, we all sin…. People are living together without being married. People are doing drugs, drinking etc. We cannot judge, it is up to God to do that. Matthew 7:1-5. I pray for peace for you and your family in this matter and openmindness for your son. God Bless,

    • I see that these comments were posted two years ago, but am hoping to find someone that is available to share their experiences about adult children that decide to “come out”. Our daughter is 32 years old, a pastor and is stepping down from her job at a non-affirming church and looking to work at an affirming church, where in her mind she can practice her faith and be real about her bi-sexual attraction. As parents, her father and I are struggling…we want to continue our relationship with our daughter no matter what. What we are struggling with is how to show love, be a part of our daughter’s life, maintain the relationship while not compromising our beliefs, etc. My husband feels that we are endorsing the lifestyle, if we include our daughter’s partner in family activities/holidays get-togethers, etc. I feel that our daughter is an adult that has to answer to God for her own decisions and by us requiring her to chose between her partner or her family, we are only building a chasm that I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to repair. I want her to know that she is loved always…not just when she lives up to certain requirements/expectations. Our daughter knows where our family stands on the same-sex issue, but does not believe that it is a sin for her to live in a gay relationship. We are all in agreement on one point, and that is that a relationship is to be a commitment to one person and one person only. Any thoughts, experiences that anyone that has walked this road can share is very much appreciated.

  30. Thank you Sharon, I know I have really been working hard in showing him and telling him how much I love him. We do know we have to do this.
    I’m not sure he is insecure about his decision, some times with things he says I feel like he deep down knows it’s a sin and is maybe unsure about it but then other times he is so confident.
    I’m not sure how to ask or bring up him talking with someone,he is so adamant that he can not change or that if he can’t change why would he want to be “alone” the rest of his life ect. He is still willing to go to church with us thankfully. He is just so into all the garbage he is reading and what people are telling him.
    I had no idea at all until yesterday when I looked up just “teen gay” and the amount of stuff that came up, the stuff they read and gets instilled into their heads. Not to mention most of them said for ages 12 and up, I was so sickened, and felt so terrible as a mom that I had no idea this was such a huge thing going around schools. Our son is so intelligent and it just all doesn’t make sense.
    How can I ask him to maybe speak with someone without sounding critical, or pushy?
    Thank you

  31. Michelle,
    I would suggest getting in touch with Dr. James Dobson’s office. I’m not sure if you are aware of his ministry; He is Christian psychologist, Author and founder of Focus on the Family. He would be more capable of giving you some answers on how to help. God Bless you and I will continue to pray for your family.

  32. Thank you Sharon, I am aware of Dr James Dobson. I have been on Focus on the Family for years. My only problem with reading his conclusion of how homosexuality happens does not relate to our family. No our family was not perfect BUT my husband (his dad) was always a great father, attentive, caring, affectionate, our son and he had a great relationship although I was probably closer to our son but both of our kids came to me for some things and dad for others. He doesn’t really say there is any other way unless the dad was not affectionate, or there in the boys life ect.. So I’m confused. I have been to Portland Fellowship website and doing the studies on there, under the resource tab then hope tab. It has been very helpful. It is a man Drew Barryessa, who is a former gay who is now in the ministry and helps families. It has been extremely comforting. This is all so hard. I am really trusting the Lord with this and working on my relationship with HIm too.

  33. Hi Michelle,
    I hope you were able to get some advice from Dr. James Dobson’s office. I have been thinking about you and your family. I just want to let you know, this helped me as I heard a sermon on homosexuality the other day. The preacher said “It’s not an unpardonable sin” Which I knew in the back of my mind but have also been scared that I was wrong. It’s a sin like all others….sleeping around, divorce, lying etc. He said that we are all going to have to be accountable for our sin and will have to face judgement but that “They are all sin”. So just keep praying for God to help in our children’s situation. To give us peace in our hearts and to not beat our selves up. I also heard a preacher say one time that we, as parents, seem to think that we have to take care of our children’s sins. They are now in control of their own life and there is nothing we can do to help that. God’s Richest Blessings

  34. Wonderful Michelle! Thanks for the info. I will look that up too. So glad you are experiencing comfort. Keep all of us in prayer as we are going through this trial. God’s Richest blessings.

  35. Thank you Sharon, If anyone can help us with setting boundries,My husband and I really need help with this. We have no idea what is and what isn’t appropriate as far what is and what isn’t. He is still living at home, then he’ll go to college (come one a lot of weekends) then live back at home after his first year until he’s done with school. Is it appropriate to tell him that while living at home he can not actively be pursuing the gay lifestyle such as “dating” if so he would need to move out? If he is actively living do we tell him we wont help pay for college? I am really confused. We know what boundries for the most if and when he isnt living here and he brings a partner here, we just don’t know what to do with right now?
    Please any one help!

  36. First of all, I am so glad that I came across this comment thread and to know that I am not alone. I recently found out about my 15 year old daughter’s relationship with one of her teammates. I discovered the relationship through monitoring her cell phone. Needless to say, I was shocked and devastated. My husband and I are really struggling with this because she has always had an interest in boys. As a teen who is just discovering relationships, she falls very easily for anyone who likes her. She has fallen for boys who aren’t good for her and now this girl who isn’t mentally stable, comes from a broken home,.has said she wanted to kill herself, and just doesn’t seem like she’s all there. We have told our daughter that we don’t like that she’s in this relationship, as Christians we don’t condone it, and don’t like it. We wan’t her to break it off but she says she really likes this girl. She won’t see this girl anymore because geographically they live too far apart. But they continue to engage via text and I’m very afraid that this will lead to other same sex relationships. I am also concerned about her playing basketball and the ongoing exposure she will have to that lifestyle. She’s a highly talenter athlete and will likely get a full ride scholarship as numerous universities have expressed an interest in her. I don’t want to take that away from her, but concerned about team travel and potential relationships or intimacy with other girls. While I hate to admit it, I am ashamed, embarrassed, and never expected this of her because we have clearly expressed our opinion of this lifestyle long before this recent incident. What do we do? How do we handle this situation?

    • I am in the same boat. Our 19 yr old daughter just told us she is in a same sex relationship. I feel like i am in mourning. Not sure how to handle this. Also have a younger daughter, 13, and she knows about her sister, and has told her she doesnt want to be around her. My daughter’s girlfriend i know, and strongly disapprove of. She is very controlling and is trying to convince her to move out and move in with her and her parents. The girlfriends parents are condoning this relationship and making her think if she moves out things will be better. I know i can handle her choice of lifestyle, but not the girlfriend. Just very hard when you have no one to talk to. Thinking about talking to a Christian counselor, to help me process things. I cant sleep or eat or function for that matter. I pray for you and hope you find some heeling as well as i do.

  37. Sorry Jodi you are going through this too. It is one of the most difficult things I’ve dealt with (dealing with). We just found out that our son is also in a relationship. He didn’t want us to know yet because he didn’t think we were ready. I am not, we haven’t even processed him telling us he is gay. We keep going over and over in our heads how and why, we never had a clue. He told us today he didn’t care if people knew now,he understands however that we are not ready yet. One thing I am struggling with is when I feel it’s time to tell my parents (they are born again Christians) whether he should tell them or us, part of me thinks he should (not sure he would or not) and part of me thinks we should just because if he tells them, I wont be able to hold back the crying and needing to hear my parents support for us, plus I’m not sure what their reaction would be and I don’t know if they would start throwing versus at him ect. Also, my husband although is very loving towards our son still, he just doesnt’ want to talk or think about it, he said he doesn’t even want to be there if and when our son tells them. My husband is a Christian but not in the word of God for awhile. I feel there is so much I don’t know how to get through, no one to talk to. I’d like to see a counselor but have no idea who. I’ve called our church and they referred me to a counselor but didn’t feel comfortable with her when I spoke to her on the phone.
    Someone on here gave me good advise the other day that we don’t have to figure it all our now. Praying for you!

    • Thank you. Not ready to deal with this situation either. We start counseling nxt week. My other daughter who is 13 is having a hard time with this and keeps lashing out at her. I am having a hard time even looking at my daughter, when I do, I see the other girl she is in a relationship with. I read an article about parents being in mourning, and boy did it hit alot! If you can read up on how other parents are dealing with it, may or may not help. Depends on the day I am having, some helps and some doesn’t. There are days where I dont want to leave the house, afraid I will be confronted with my daughter’s sexuality. Not ready for that yet. I cannot start therapy fast enough. I will be praying for you and your family, as we all need that extra prayer right now. If you would like to talk we can exchange emails? I don’t really have anyone either besides my husband and my mom. Just trying to keep this quiet for as long as I can.

  38. Hi all, to start another topic on here, we seem to be all Christian parents…isn’t that strange? I was wondering what your child was like growing up? My son, who is now 19, had friends growing up, although he was a bit awkward with his relationships. For example, he always seemed to do his own thing if a group of boys would go off and play games, he never went along. As what many parents do, when we got him involved in Upward basketball with the Church or Youth Soccer, we found other parents who had the same aged child and would have play dates so he would have friends. Everything was fine up until he hit 6th grade and then they all disappeared. I remember when he was a little boy, he played dress up with my clothes. He would always find my high heels and put them on until we thought he was way too old to do this, then we stopped him. He was probably 9? Also, he used to tell me that he felt like a girl. In the past year, I did a lot of research on line, like I know all of you are doing now, that’s how we all found this blog. In my search, I found a website that featured x-gay confession videos. There was this one boy named, Caleb, who reminded me so much of my son. I asked my son to look at the video and he saw a lot of who he was….This boy, said that he never felt like part of the guys. He liked different things but never thought he was good enough to play football, baseball etc. When I asked my son about this, he said that he felt the very same way. In some ways, he is attracted to men because he never felt that bond that other boys have. It isn’t anything to do with his dad, but his relationships outside of the house. His dad and I have talked to him about friends. In which he says that the gay guys are so much easier to talk to. He doesn’t feel intimidated when he is with them. He also is telling us now that he is a bisexual. I think he wants to like girls and also knows that that is what we want and he wants to please us. He is on Tender, which is a website to find dates. He finds both guys and girls. He will make plans to meet a girl and where he thinks the date went great, she never makes time to see him again and it just crushes him. He then retaliates and finds a guy to take her place. He just feels like he can’t win! I pray daily for my son and for him to find the one, Christian, girl that will make him forget all that he has ever known. I know that Shane, who started this blog, said that it wasn’t until the Holy Spirit got into him that he was a changed person. My son does go to Church with us and he knows what is right and what is wrong. He wants to be loved and he wants to be accepted. My heart breaks but I know MY GOD is there for us and I know he hears all of our prayers and knows of all of our heart aches, and will one day, make himself known to our children. It’s in His time. We just need to keep praying for our children. Romans 12:2 “Help (your child’s name here) to not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of their mind, that by testing they may discern what is the Will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”
    My prayer is that each of you, in this time of feeling betrayed, hurt, sorrow, and confusion, that you will one day see the Glory of God pouring out in our children’s lives as a living testimony to His truth and love.
    Please share with us, your story.

    • Hello, just had Mike church for 1.5 days..go to u tube and watch him.think his on I arty is called..SET FREE….also, “pure passion” on u tube has really educated me on gay feelings.pure passion is a few different young people explaining what and how CHRIST set them free. VERY VERY GOOD.BLESSINGS

  39. gay son brings his friends over when I’m at work in the evening. .i would not mind but he lies about EVERYTHING. I don’t trust him
    much less his his friends are sex partners only
    .As they don’t hang out outside of that..He claims he has no friends.and becomes very very depressed over it..
    he doesn’t stick to counseling
    or anything else for that matter. From the Bible please..what’s a single mother of a 21 yr old to do? P.s. he’s in college

  40. Hello, my 14 year old daughter recently became friends with a 17-year old bisexual at her school. My daughter just started HS, and this girl is a senior. The senior publicly asked my daughter to go to Homecoming with her, and my daughter said yes, assuring me that they were just friends. This older girl texts my daughter night and day, and I see my daughter wanting to “help” her with her emotional problems, one of which was that the girl and her girlfriend had broken up. I was uncomfortable with the friendship, and talked often to my daughter about boundaries, and the feeling that this girl is too old. I set a rule for no sleepovers, and no in the bedroom with the door closed. (same rules for my son and his girlfriends through HS). Recently, the older girl started leaving gifts and love notes for my daughter. We talked, and my daughter has finally told me that there is attraction on both parts beyond friendship.

    I feel I handled the talk pretty well. I of course told her that I love her NO MATTER WHAT. I hugged her and told her not to be scared to tell me anything. I asked her feelings on her relationship and her Christianity, and listened as she talked about it. I did address my concerns about the age of this girl, the fact that I think she may be taking advantage of my daughter, and the rules that will be applied to the relationship. (same as her brother’s heterosexual relationship). She said she has no desire to become physically involved, that she doesn’t even know how that all works. I expressed that I understand, but that emotions can take over when put in the wrong situation, and that it is my job to help keep her out of those situations.

    In recent years, my daughter has become vocal in social media about supporting LBGT people. She is also a born-again Christian, who chose to be baptised 2 years ago. She plans to go into Worhip ministry as an adult. She has accepted all of the main-stream media ideas that the Bible is out of date when it talks about Homosexuality. She is following the “love is love” argument that is so prevelant.

    This is taking everything out of me. I have 4 children, and my husband (her step-father) can only support me, as she will not talk to him, and pushes him away in most aspects of her life right now. I just need some advice and support. I want to lock her in an ivory tower and keep her safe. I want to forbid this relationship. But I truly feel that would just push her away from me. Any advice? She’s just so young and impressionable.

  41. Need aadvice on possible dating rules for teen dating.
    My daughter let’s my wife and our family know she likes girls and is dating her friend. Her friend has slept over our house before we knew they were dating. My daughter’s girlfriend is 17 and my daughter is 14, ever since announcement they seem to be have sleep overs every Weekend. I have confronted my daughter saying I don’t now that you should be having sleep overs anymore, I wouldn’t allow a boy sleepover or you sleepover his house if dating boy why any different for girlfriend. She responded with we aren’t going to have sex besides I can’t get pregnant.
    I’m just looking to get input on what is best way to handle the situation. Any suggestions on ground rules for teen same-sex dating or do you follow same as opposite sex relationships.


  42. I had very similar situation as you. I found out my teen daughter was dating her best friend who she had many sleepovers with. Once her secret was out I ended all sleepovers. Same rules apply that would apply for dating a boy in my house. Getting pregnant is not the only negative consequence from sex.

  43. Should I allow my 16 year old gay daughter over her girlfriends house, without knowing the family, by the way I don’t accept this,.

  44. My husband and I recently found out our 14 yr old son believes he is bisexual. He had been caught lying over other issues and had his phone taken from him. This was discovered by text messages from his best friend that were very sexually based, and involved his bf using submissive type themes and even called my son,”daddy.” Which my son replied to him, “you are making me uncomfortable.”
    My husband and I have always known his friend as someone that changes his beliefs quickly. For awhile he is into being Wiccan, then he is Atheist, and then Agnostic. We have invited him to church but he hasn’t come with us. My point is is that I feel he is a lost soul and is searching for God. I feel like a fool for allowing my son to hang out with him. Is it possible that someone can influence you to where you believe you have homosexual feelings or I am just reaching?
    We have told our son that he is not to date boys while he is living at home. We have expressed that we love him unconditionally and do not think this is what God wants for his life. He doesn’t see the big deal. He says he can date guys now, but he will definitely marry a woman because he wants to have a family. What boundaries do you believe we should set for him dating wise?
    I know my son likes girls because of comments he has made at a very young age, and he was recently caught with porn on his phone with women only.
    Any suggestions at all to help him would be greatly appreciated. My husband and I would do anything for him. We have told him that we will always love him no matter what he decides. My concern is that he may be influenced by his set of friends. He is also doing horrible in his classes Just barely passing. One thought was maybe transfer him to a smaller private school and get him involved in some extracurricular activities. I worry about isolating him too though. I don’t know what is best.

  45. My 14 year old daughter recently told us she is gay.
    I’m struggling with how early this seems. I wonder if she might, after four years of high school, experience new things and meet new people and determine that she is in fact heterosexual. Either way, her dad and I love and support her.
    A bigger issue right now is that she wants to be friends with a 17 year-old gay female, and claims this is the one friend she has left with whom she can relate and truly share. My husband is dead set against the friendship and does not want our daughter going places with the girl; instead, she can come over and they can talk here. Our daughter is upset and it’s all breaking my heart. I cannot determine if my husband is overreacting or if he’s right and justified in his thinking and decision. I’m worried about our daughter pulling away from us and feeling alone without being able to see her friend. This is all so new and it hurts me to see her upset and saying she feels alone.

  46. My 16 yr old daughter approached me when she was 14 yrs old in tears. I am a mother who thinks outside of the box. With a son that has Asperger’s and is blind, you have to roll with the punches or you will be knocked out in the first punch. She told me plain and simple “I like girls”. I held out my arms and told her nothing will ever dampen the bond between a mother and her child. We talked for a while and she told me she was so scared to tell me because she thought I would shut her out of our family. After assuring her a mother’s love goes beyond mistakes, not so good choices, lying, bad grades, way past all that. I told her a mother’s heart is an ocean of love and mercy for for her kids. Having said that, I reminded her of God’s word and how I will not start from teaching His word , living his word, and doing His work. (Mission trips and the like). Here we are at 16 yrs old and she has gotten VERY comfy in this confusion she calls her choice to be gay. She has a younger sister which I guard closely because they share a room. I recently found a picture of my 16 yr old kissing another female on the mouth. This spooked me, it shook me to my core because I have let her go sleep over at this girl’s house. She claimed they were just friends. But now I see I am being lied to and this is where I draw the line. I’m praying to God to help me speak to her about this but nothing has come into my heart but anger over the lies. She’s an honor student and is well liked at her school. I don’t want to come down hard out of fear she will close off all communication. She does see a therapist because she was assaulted at a young age. The therapy helps but I’m lost as to what to tell her and not lose her.

  47. My 14 year old daughter told me she was a lesbian 6 months ago but before I knew she had a girl ” friend” that I though was her best friend spend almost every day together and many nights a month. She admitted she didn’t want to tell me she gay because I wouldn’t let this continue. This girl was extremely manipulative and needy and now I won’t let my daughter spend time with her anymore. She admitted to doing sexual things and I feel like this relationship is unhealthy for both of them. They crossed a line. I would have never let her have a boy spend the night . I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing. I feel like if I wasn’t deceived I would have been more open to this relationship.

  48. Hey I was scared to do this at first.but here daughter left home about a year ago..came home and her truck her dad helped get worked so hard was home got inside her things was fine.felt like my heart was ripped out.we had no clue.she only needs three credits to graduate but that’s done now.anyway.we text her and sometimes she texts us or her dad calls her.she want talk around the people she with .the girl that found her on Facebook is the lesbian and she has shocked my daughter a couple of times.she is the real slim and don’t take up for her self.we have took the girl with us before to eat .but she is just strange maybe wrong word..They left a couple a places and finally went to the girls mama who she hasn’t seen in 19 years.there are the mama step dad six kids the girl and my daughter.she didn’t come home for passed Thanksgiving she has to watch the kids.and I don’t think she coming for Christmas.this us si hard and I know not the only one .I just want her home and her heart back to Jesus.the girl does nothing for her and I talk her like nice things she gives me that look like she can’t stand her and the girls mama can’t stand my daughter .all I do is cry and pray.sorry do ling.meed help!!!!

  49. Ahhhhh! My daughter is 17 and has decided to walk in the flesh due to emotional issues and is now in a same sex relationship and recently moved in with her girlfriend. I am reading everyone’s comments and realizing that I need to be supportive of my daughter, not her sin. I am learning that there is a balance and that I am free to love her and accept her girlfriend as well, even though I do not accept or believe in what they are displaying. Thank you all so much. I will work on learning how to better reconcile with my daughter in order to continue to be a godly example and show her God’s uconditional love. 🙂

  50. My son is gay and “married”. He also has 4 children. He only came out a couple of years ago. He, his friend and the grandchildren want to come visit but we don’t want him and his friend spending the night in our home. How do I tell him I will get them a hotel room? What is gay etiquette going to straight people’s home? Surely he already knows, right?

  51. This is a wonderful forum and one that I hope can help my husband and I walk through some tough issues that we are facing with our adult daughter. Our thirty-two year old daughter is an ordained minister. She has a heart for children’s ministry and has served those both the christian and non-christian community in many ways throughout her life. It was evident that she had a calling to work with what our society would consider the outcasts and downtrodden from an early age. Our daughter – unbeknownst to us until a year ago – says that she has struggled with same sex attraction from an early age. At age 32, she has come out and is stepping down from her position at the church she serves in and is looking to serve in an “all-inclusive” church atmosphere. For the past year we have struggled in the area of how to maintain a good relationship with our daughter. We love her dearly and want to be a part of her life. The problem is that we don’t know how to navigate the setting of boundaries in regards to opening our home to her partner – and potentially adopted children in the future. My husband and I differ very much in how we feel this should be addressed. I feel that the relationship is the most important thing – our daughter has studied the scriptures extensively and believes that homosexuality is not a sin – and that shunning her and her partner will only close any future dialogue that might occur. My husband doesn’t feel comfortable with hosting our daughter and her partner in our home. My question is: how do you navigate the waters, so to speak, of being a part of your grown child’s life while maintaining what you feel God is calling you to uphold in the area of boundaries. Also: how can a husband and wife come to an agreement when we feel called to do different things. I feel that I am called to love, speak what I feel is truth – when asked, but ultimately realize that our grown child has to work out her faith and that she, and she alone answers to God in regards to her decisions. Any advice is welcome.

Share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s