I’m trying to understand why my child is gay

This forum space is to help parents and others navigate through questions and thoughts about why their child is gay.

 

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150 responses to “I’m trying to understand why my child is gay

  1. i dont know why my child is gay i dont like it i am afraid of how i feel about them i dont want to see them. i have to get some professional help or i will die

    • Dear Sue,
      I happen to know exactly what I think you are feeling. I am in the same boat. I feel guilty for not wanting to deal with my daughter and yet I know that I do still love her. I don’t know how to deal with the conflicting feelings because my daughter and I were super close and now I hate to see her coming. I am praying that she will change but she seems so sure of this decision that I’m not sure that I shouldn’t be praying that God change me instead or we may never have any type of relationship and she is my only child.

      • Dear Deanie and Shawn
        You must have seen me, I just boarded the same boat as you ( :/ weak smile). My only child, a daughter, 19, has admitted that she is gay. We knew something was going on, but she refused to talk to us about it. During a long heart to heart last month, I had to draw it out of her.
        Her hair and makeup are feminine, but from the neck down she dresses like a man. Right down to the under ware and shoes. On a couple of occasions, when beholding my beautiful daughter dressed like this, has made my heart physically ache. Like it is clenching- it hurts.
        Like you I love my daughter and I don’t want to destroy relationship and fellowship.
        Im hurting terribly. Im in constant review of the last 19 years of parenting. Im full of regret and feel like a complete failure as a parent.
        I just wanted to say hi.

        ~RC

  2. My son has same sex attractions and I know he has acted on them. He is back home living with us and he is not open about it. I have confronted him and asked him, but he denies it. I saw a gay friend walking out of his hotel room and have seen emails and texts that tell me what he is doing. He is 23 years old. He has other issues, but I think he is working on those. I have come to the realization that there is nothing I can say that will change his thoughts. I realize through love and prayer on my part, along with willingness on his part to listen to the voice of God, that will be the only way any change, will occur. Yet there is that pink elephant in the room. I want to talk about it. He denies everything when I bring it up (and no it is not hysterical or accusatory, I just ask him to be open with me). What do I do….it is eating me up inside. My heart is broken. I know God is bigger than this, but I am so devastated and feel so broken, and yes I feel I did something wrong. Can you offer any advice? I am in tears as I write this.

    • Hi Maria – thanks for posting. Usually your situation is reversed: the child wants to talk but the parent doesn’t. Without knowing everything, I’m not sure why your son is refusing to talk about his homosexuality, except for maybe he is scared or confused about the entire issue. I wonder, though, why you feel like you did something wrong? Carrying unhealthy guilt upon your shoulders isn’t good and is definitely causing this situation to “eat you up.”

      Would love to talk further via email if you would like.

      • Hi, my son is 17 and finally he told me with tears that he is gay.. I sad omg I thought you are going to tell me something bad and he said.. Mom this is bad!! I told him…is not, I love you no matter what.
        I don’t know if he is confuse about he’s fellings..
        How can I know?

    • You are not to blame for your son’s homosexual attractions. Homosexuality (just like being black or white) is genetic, and decided at birth. It isn’t a result of parenting, it is just the way it is. Because of this, it is extremely unlikely that your child (without repressing his emotions and causing himself a lot of emotional trauma) will turn to G-D (I like the Jewish tradition of not spelling His name) (but don’t stop praying). This is for the same reason that you will be hard-pressed to make me feel gay when I am clearly not. I am therefore skeptical of institutions which are supposed to change this. (Again, try to think it as if (G-D forbid) society encouraged everyone to be gay, but you were straight, and then think of the position you are putting your son in), they would be attempting to change something so fundamental about him, and would cause more harm than good.
      The best way to ensure he maintains his connection to G-D is to do your best to show Christianity as being (not welcoming) but not rejecting him and his kind. As long as he feels that he can always have the opportunity to receive G-D’s grace, and not that he is unwelcome, he may one day, return to G-D.

      I cannot help with the parenting side of this as I am still waiting for G-D to bless our house with a child of our own. But please do not make your child feel guilty for being Gay, more than this is something that is barring him from G-D (and that you do not want that), and (at whatever pace is right for him) he must return to G-D. BUT ON HIS OWN, YOU CANNOT CHANGE THIS.

      So to wrap up:
      Homosexuality is genetic, you are not at fault.
      Trying to change this forcibly will result in more harm than good
      Try to impress upon him a sense that the christian community is a loving community, and that it will always encourage him to return to G-D, (BUT NOT REJECT HIS KIND AS HE WILL SEE G-D AS BEING UNFAIR AND CRUEL.) By being accepting (I am cautiously saying this) and maintaining a loving encouragement to steer himself on the right path, he may return to G-D.

      (Obviously the easiest way to protect your relationship would be to change your values, but I know doing so is only encouraging sin).

  3. Shawn,

    I have been following your site for some time now and appreciate your ministry. I posted at one time as our son told us he was gay. The last six months has been quite trying of course for us all and my husband and I feel like we are at a dead end. We were wondering if we shouldn’t seek counseling and I would prefer a former homosexual . We live in Southwest Missouri/Northwest Arkansas area and were wondering if you knew of someone. We have read books, studied the scriptures and have tried to keep communication open with him. But the communication between us needs help. Appreciate any assistance!

    • Hi Nancy – thanks for commenting again.

      I’m not aware of any Christian counselors in your area. I did a quick Google search and found this practice: Fresh Roots Family Counseling. You might try them or ask to refer you to a place that is better suited.

      When you say, “communication between us needs help,” are you referring to you and your husband, or both of you and your son?

      • Shawn, sorry it took so long to respond. I was referring to our communication with our son. We have tried to set up severals times to meet with him as he complains that we are not treating him like family anymore but then he always cancels on us or like this last Saturday doesn’t even show up. Do we just let go and wait for him to make arrangements for a visit? His siblings and my husband have been able to move on and say all they will do is pray for him. I have a hard time with that but want to do the right thing. Is this a game they play to get our sympathy and then to get us to accept their lifestyle? I just have questions. It has been 7 months since we found and its still really hard for me to accept. That is why I was looking for a counselor who knows what our son is going through.

      • Thanks for clearing that, Nancy. Have you tried the place I suggested? Any luck? It does sound like your son is playing games, then again he could be just as scared as you about the questions being asked. Maybe leave the meeting arrangements up to him, all the while making sure he knows your door is open. If he would be up for communicating with me, I would be happy to start a conversation with him. Here’s my email.

  4. I feel my heart is breaking and I don’t understand. My 17 year old son told me last week that he is homosexual. Since the age of 12 he has studied hard, helped in the community and joined charitable groups but has never socialised with other young people. He tells me that this was because he was confused by what he was feeling. He doesn’t want to be gay but he feels deep inside him that he has been born this way. He is devastated and his suffering his manifested itself over they years in alopecia and other nervous disorders. I know in my heart that if he could see any way to change himself he would do so.
    I am so frightened for him. My belief has always been that this is the most abhorrent thing before God’s eyes and I dont want it for my child. But equally as a parent I want him to be happy. He tells me that all he wants is to find someone to love and who will love him and this is what everyone wants from life. He has never had a relationship and I have tried to say that I think he shouldnt hurry into one. I’ve also told him that I think sexuality has more shades than black and white and that he should try to keep an open mind. I’ve urged him to try to mix equally with males and females and to make some friends of both sexes. I’ve also said that I don’t think there is any need to broadcast his feelings, I think until the day that he has a relationship with someone there is no need to “label” himself either way. You can probably read through this that my deepest desire is that he will discover that he is not homosexual and that shyness of the opposite sex was the problem, but actually he has assured me that this isnt so. He says that he has fought his feelings for a very long time and now has to resign and accept who he is. I have told him that I love him. He is my only son and no matter what happens I will always be the one person in this World who will love him unconditionally. I have prayed and I have cried but at the end of everything I think my main problem is that I just can’t understand. Can you please help me?

    • Karen – I feel very similar to how you described here. I am so torn. I love my child and accept her completely but quietly hope in my heart she is not gay. Why? Because she already has been through so much. She already is “different”. She has cerebral palsy and already deals with being bullied, looked at, made fun of, etc. Now something else is being added that increases her “differentness”.
      She is 14 now and told me when she was 13. We had been through so much already. Her father is bi-polar, I finally left him when she was 11 and her sister was 9. We moved to a different state and 6 months after being here, my daughter confessed her “grandfather” (my mothers fiancée of 16 years) had been molesting her since we arrived. Very long story condensed…he shot and killed himself when he found out charges were being brought against him. We were in intense counseling for about 1 1/2 years. We are doing very well with very difficult issues. I struggled with thinking the molestation made her turn from men and she then decided to be gay. So, there has been a lot going on.

      I’ve explained, like you Karen, that there is no reason to label herself right now. My daughter told a friend at school that she is a lesbian because she thought she was being dishonest to the friend by not telling her. The friend said she “didn’t want to associate with those kind of people” and hasn’t spoken to her since. My daughter was heartbroken. I told my daughter there was no reason to broadcast her sexuality. Broadcasting her sexuality opens her up to harassment and bullying and, bottom line, there is no need to broadcast. It’s definitely not an issue of shame, but one of protection.

      I love my daughter dearly. When she was first diagnosed with cerebral palsy, I read a book titled “You Will Dream New Dreams”. I’ve been dreaming different dreams a long time now. I think my biggest issues are letting go of the thoughts of weddings, grandchildren, etc. yet in the next thought, I realize all that can still happen. So, my biggest concern is one of protection. Keeping my child safe and happy. Any thoughts on how to help your teen navigate high school and dealing with being bullied/harassed? And any suggestions on how to deal with unsupportive relatives? My mother thinks its a choice to be gay and believes my daughter can just change her mind about being gay. Good grief.

    • Karen I feel the same way I just hope and pray for my 20 year old he has always been quiets good boy may say but I think the same way shyness to opposite sex. I pray everyday that God gives him the guiding light to the right path.

      • Hi yvette my daughter has just told us she is gay she is 27 our world has changed and not the same we are struggeling and praying too trying to find the right way to keep her in our lives but unless we accept it we will lose her she was always so shy growing up never had a boyfriend like you praying God leads her on the right path

    • Hello Karen, after reading your post, it sounds so very similar to my story….it has been a VERY painful 8 months for us and each morning I wake I awake wishing I’ve been in a bad dream but realize I’m wishing my life away. Each day is still a challenge for me and put one foot in front the other to try to move to the acceptance block. I have feelings of being a hypocrite because I have friends who I accept as being gay but REALLY struggle now that my son has come out. I feel as though when he came out, I moved in the closet and have had very little communication with friends and family. I am an extremely outgoing person but my life has take a 360 degree change…. I am almost certain my close friends and family for that matter know what’s going on and have their own suspicions about my son’s sexuality combined with my change in communication. Thanks to social media it’s an avenue to free themselves.
      Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, please give me some sort of advise on how to move to the acceptance block and/or how did you get through this VERY tough period. ANY help would be greatly appreciated.

  5. I am making so many mistakes now that my daughter has told me that she is bisexual. I am truly confused and don’t understand why she has chosen this for herself. She was dating a young man who hurt her and I sometimes think that her choice is in retaliation of that event. She tells me that this is temporary and because she says that, I want it to end now! I really don’t know what to think and feel right now. I am active in my church and she was raised in the church. I have just asked her for the keys to my house and although I still love her, I can’t seem to answer the question that my mother asked me, “under what conditions may she return”. I don’t want the lifestyle around me, I AM disappointed and every time that she leaves to be with her “friend” I go off imagining what she is doing. She is now 22 and can make her own choices, but I don’t want to deal with it at all.

    • I feel your pain. I too struggle with my gay daughter. If you are interested I am looking to try to start some kind of support group for parents in our situation. You can contact me on here first if you’d like and I can give you my information if you are interested in banding together in prayer and support for us, our children and this whole generation.

  6. I too have a gay child. My heart drops each time I look at her. She is unhappy and angery all tphe time. This frustratpes me and keeps me afraid for her. She is totally comfused about this life style, what it is, what it means for her future, and most of all how to seperate the life style from her life needs and wants. She puts her gayness out frount of her beautiful personality, smile and intelligents. My fears are not limited to the facts that I am getting older, and sicker each day. My concerns are becomming more real each day. I need her to know that there are responsibilities and obligations that are not excluded from gay people. Please respond

  7. Hello, this is my first time to visit this forum. Our son is 33 and is gay. We are of a Christian faith that believes and teaches that this is a sin. I found out about my son’s homosexuality by accidentally discovering an email by his younger brother. It is a shocking experience to walk up to YOUR computer one evening and see an email left up that your younger son is writing to someone saying that his brother is gay. The next day, while at work, my youngest son came up to have lunch with me. I asked him about the email and he confirmed that his brother was gay. I was devastated. Yes, I read it, but hearing it said made it even more real. I fell apart. It was as if someone had told me my son had died. That is how I felt. Add to this fact that my gay son was married with a child, my only granddaughter. I was so confused; but, I pushed the reality away. My gay son had not felt like he could confide in me and his brother begged me not to say anything to him. Time went on. Then, my son’s wife packed her bags and left my son because he had committed adultery with another man. My life fell apart once again. Those were nightmarish months. I prayed and prayed and then, to me a miracle happened, my son and his wife went back together. They started going to church. They had another baby girl. It seemed as if God had answered prayer and my gay son’s thoughts and actions were changed. They weren’t. Not too long after the birth of my second granddaughter, my son told me he was gay and that he and his wife would divorce. The nightmare returned. I finally broke down and talked to my pastor, something I was afraid to do. I was afraid I would be told that I had to turn my back on my son, something I knew I could not do. Thankfully, my pastor told me that I should not turn my back on my son, but I should continue to love him and pray for him and to know as long as there is life there is hope. That was almost 6 years ago and my son is still openly gay. He has a partner that he has been with now for a year. I still struggle with this reality everyday, and it is only by God’s help that I am able to make it through.

  8. Shawn, I thank God for your ministry. I struggle each day with the issue of my son’s confession that he is gay and living in that life style. I have cried many tears; but, nothing is more comforting than to hear it is okay to still love your child, pray for them and show them Christ. I pray that by God’s mercy and grace that my son will one day see Christ and who He really is just as He was revealed to you. My prayer is also that my son sees Christ’s love through me. Thank you, again for serving Christ our Lord and Savior through this ministry!

  9. This is a question from a parent that was left on another page of ours. The comment belongs here, and I hope others reach out to her – Cecilia:

    Can I have some guidance and help with my situation. My daughter coming out at age 16 saying she is gay & dressing like a guy. She is nasty to me all the time & there isnt no communication with each other.I live in orlando, Florida, I deal with depression /general anxiety & trying to cope with her now has really affected me, PLEASE HElLP

    • I just saw this. Hopefully Cecilia has been following our dialogue this past week. We are here for you Cecilia, this is a hard road to walk but we can do it by daily giving it over to our Lord. As tough as it is to watch your child change from the person you though she was into something you don’t understand, she needs your unconditional love. She is struggling with these feelings she is experiencing and my guess is that if she is like my daughter she is suffering with some depression and anxiety as well. I believe they know deep down that this is not who they really are and it’s a conflict in their souls. If you can start opening the communication by letting her know that you love her no matter what but that you need time to process this maybe she would be less nasty towards you. Above all I needed to reassure my daughter that God loves her no matter what and to never stop seeking Him.

  10. I am truly struggling. My son told us he was gay last year. It rocked our world and our faith. My husband just cried like a baby. What had we done wrong? How old this happen in a loving Christian home. I have tried to love him as Christ loves me but my heart feels broken. Ad then just two months ago my daughter said she was in a relationship with a woman. I nearly broke. I am still in shock. I have not told anyone about my daughter because I am too ashamed. My husband has yet to speak with her. We just don’t feel like we know these children at all. My heart is heavy at the loss of these two children. I don’ t know what to do. Every day I feel like I can’t breathe. Some days I just brake down and cry out to God. . . Why? Please help me understand.
    Thanks Jane

    • To Jane and all….Boy, what I was told over this weekend….that BOTH my son and daughter are gay. Total, total shock, most especially with my daughter. Very, very “girlie girl” and my intuition is very on key with people, which is one of my better traits. They are only 16. Keep thinking they are just at a confused and vulnerable time of their lives, because especially my daughter who has been having a lot of depression and anxiety for 2 years. She has dated a boys, only talked with lust about boys, then….Wham!!!!! She meets a friend at school that busy her everything, and my niece daughter all of a sudden comes out with this?? Then my son???? I feel both my children have died! I don’t know them anymore. Keep thinking my daughter will “change”!!! If not, all our lives will be different. I walk around with no life in my any more. All we did for them, and the great childhood they had was all for NOTHING!!! I feel dead. Just dead. Please someone give me just the littlest ray of hope….PLEASE

      • Hi Michelle. I know your post is older but hopefully my message will get to you somehow. My son is 16 and came out a couple days ago. He told me he likes a boy but they are only friends right now. To be honest, we thought he might be gay at a very young age. He loved to play with dolls and all his idols were female. (Hanna Montana was his favorite!). He was into the arts like dancing, acting and singing. He hated sports and trucks and every kind of toy most boys would love. He also acted and spoke in a feminine way since he was a young kid. He’s even hormonal like a girl. So, I kind of wasn’t shocked but over the years prayed I was wrong. My ex husband was convinced he was gay when my son was younger too. He’s fine with it and has accepted it and has been supportive. I came on here to see if this was somehow my fault even though I’ve ALWAYS believed gay people were born that way. I am heartbroken but I love my son to death and would NEVER, ever turn my back on him! The reason I am heartbroken is because of my fears of society’s treatment of gay people and because of the way the rest of my family will react. I am trying to prepare myself for losing everyone as they are all so homophobic, they bash/make fun of gay people and don’t believe in it and think it’s a choice. Once the whole family knows, my son will lose his aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great grandparents, my ex in-laws and family friends. I will lose them too! I have another son who is 19 and knows. He is fine with it though he was shocked at first, he also had an idea he might be. After everyone knows, I’m going to be alone with my 2 sons as my only family and my ex only because he’s their father. I’m sick over this part of it all. I can’t eat or sleep!

        I am sorry you are going through this as well. We should all make an online support group. I do feel such relief knowing there are others out there who feel the same way. I thought I was a bad or selfish mother because of my concerns and fears. Being single and hoping to meet a man someday is a whole other story! I will need to make sure he is open minded and treats my son well with acceptance. Now I feel like my whole life is on hold. How are things going on your end? Has there been any changes with the kids? How are you feeling?

        One more thing; I wanted to say something about your daughter…you mentioned she has dated boys before and talked lust about them. That must mean she is physically attracted to them. You also mentioned she has been struggling with depression and anxiety for 2 years. Could her turning to this other girl for support be more of an emotional support and comfort thing? Maybe during the time she was struggling this girl was there for her to talk to and a shoulder to cry on. Could it be she thinks she’s gay because of her emotional feelings of attachment to this girl? Not in a physical, sexual way. I hope I’m making sense. If you get this I hope to hear back from you! I’m also VERY sorry this is SO long-! 😦

    • I’m going through the same thing, my daughter just came out the closet at 27 years old, she’s grown, but she has two kids, she says she is a lesbian, I’m totally shocked, I feel depressed and want to die, confused ,I can’t believe it, but she’s says, she sure this is who she is

  11. I’m so sorry to hear about this Jane. I know the hurt,confusion, heartache and disappointment can be so overwhelming. I have a pit in my stomach much of the time when I think about the whys and if only’s. It’s a daily battle that I have to constantly give over to God or it will eat me up inside. Some days I am better at surrendering it than others. God knows our children better than we do and He loves them more than we do. We must show unconditional love towards them as He does.
    I am becoming increasingly more convinced that this generation is being attacked with this. My 20 year old daughter is in CA right now to visit a girl she met in the Internet! It breaks my heart because i believe that Satan is luring so many into homosexuality.
    I’ve read a lot of books and sought out many resources to try to make sense if all of this. I feel very alone and need support of others who are coping with this as well. Feel free to reach out to me if you’d like.

  12. Julie and Jane, you are not alone, as you probably are learning from this wonderful forum created by 6:11 ministries. I felt so alone until I found this on the internet. I felt and still feel somedays as you do, Jane. As with Julie, I have to constantly give my son’s “coming out” to God. I agree with Julie’s comment that “God knows our children better than we do and He loves them more than we do.” Amen! God created them. We have to trust God. One thing Shawn shares in his testimony that really blessed me is that when he, Shawn, came face-to-face with the real person of Christ is when he was able to begin his path to overcome homosexuality. That really resonated with me. We all have sinned and come short of the glory of God; so for me, how can I throw any stones at my son. I am called to love, for as Christ said, they will know you because you have love one for another. There is no hope except that our hope is in our Savior. As long as there is life, there is hope. So, we pray, and daily turn our pain and hurt over to God. For me, it is a daily, if not minute-to-minute struggle to “let go and let God.” I know you are hurting, you are confused. I have been there and find myself there on many days. Be of good cheer, there is comfort and hope in God. Please feel free, either of you, to reach out to me as well. In the meantime, I will be praying for you and all of us that find ourselves in this suffering.

  13. Julie and Katrina thanks so much for your words of love and encouragement. I have been praying to find a forum that could help me navigate through these difficult years. I love my children dearly and always will. I know God has a plan for their lives and I have to trust that He will see it through. Satan as you say Julie most definitely has a stronghold on this generation. He does rule this earth and will do whatever it takes to stear people from the truth. I don’t want to allow satan to bring me down and weaken my faith. I truly believe God directed me to this site for that reason. I need moment by moment strength. It is so nice to talk with people who really understand what I am feeling. I will pray for your children. Thanks so much. My load has been lifted some.

  14. Jane, Julie and Katrina, I will also be praying for you, your children and all those involved. It will be a year this Saturday since our son verbally told us he is gay and he was moving in with a young man. His siblings figured it out before he told us and they preached enough at him that we have not had to say a whole lot as he knows how we believe. If you would have told me a year ago that i could have peace and still love my son like i do, I would have not believed you for sure. He has not come out to our family and friends so we are still dealing with this in private. Prayer, getting into God’s word and six 11 ministries has brought healing and hope. Our son moved away so we only speak by phone but still avoid speaking of his life choices. I agree that this is one of many attacks by Satan to destroy families but we can not let him win. Praying for each other is one way we can defeat him! And God is faithful and has provided opportunities and education about same sex attractions for us that we know He cares and He is still in control! Thank you Six 11!!

  15. Your right Shawn. I have still not told anyone about my daughter it is just too difficult. My son is open with everyone. My daughter moved away and we couldn’t figure out why such a distance from us but now that she has told us it all makes sense. I still can’t believe what I am dealing with. Somedays I just feel crazy. How could I only have two children and God has allowed both to be taken away in this life style. I am trying not to blame myself but its hard. I feel like my husband and I must have done something to our kids. The thing is we have loved our kids and done everything for them. They went to christian school and christian colleges. Just doesn’t make sense. Prayer is all I have. I am seeing my daughter for the first time next week and she will be with her partner so please pray for strength because it will be difficult. I love her so dearly but what she is doing is wrong and she has hurt us beyond measure. I know God wants me to rely on Him and I am trying. Thanks for your post. This has helped me like none other has been able to.

    • Wow I am so amazed that I am not alone with my feelings. My son told me has been gay since he was 16. I think in my heart I always knew he was. My daughter married her boyfriend of seven years and had a difficult marriage from the start. She divorced him after two years of marriage. And about six months ago she told me she too was gay. This second child telling me she too is gay has just about broken me. I pray daily fo help and there is none. I try to accept this and keep my faith, I have such mixed emotions, my daughter was always my best friend, she always called me her biggest fan and now suddenly my daughter just sent me an email telling me she and her girlfriend are going to Italy this summer and having an commitment ceremony…the emotions I am going thru are ranging from sadness to hurt that I was not even invited to happy that I do not have to attend. I do not think anyone can understand the sadness, the worst part is she is in love with a women that is fourteen years older than she is. My daughter is 34 and this woman is 48…I can do nothing but wish her well. And crawl into bed and cry, I ask God what I did wrong, I always believed that God did not give us more than we can bare, , but two gay children feels like so much more than I can bare.

      • Pat
        I understand completely what you are going through. Having one come out is difficult., but only having two children and my daughter telling us she was gay was almost to much to take. She just told us they are having a marriage ceremony in the spring. My husband just sat in unbelief. We are both so broken hearted. We did everything we thought we were to do. Loved them and raised them in a Christian church, school, college and both have completely walked away. But I will not allow this to break me. I will love them with unconditional love. I will be there when they fall and I will pray for them to return to faith in Christ. I read a post by John Piper about the writer of a great hymn ‘It is Well’. An incredible story of a man that lost his 4 daughters at sea and yet wrote “when sorrows like sea billions roll; whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul”. I found great comfort in that truth. Go on desiring god.org and look up “it is well” . I will be praying for you now. Jane

      • Thank you so much jschurr4, your words and kindness helped so much. I too will keep you in my prayers

      • Pat,
        Two children that are gay makes me completely believe this is a choice. God would never make an inferior being. We are made in his image so this is a corrupt evil attacking our children. I believe it’s all the schools teaching gay is ok. My 14 yr old told me she was gay last year. I have been in so much pain I pray for God to take my life and give it to a good mother. I want to due because I believe my daughter is very serious and I love her so much. I quit working the day she was born ad gave never left her with a babysitter, no vacations without her, I would die for her. I have screamed out to God and he has not answered my prayers. She only told me, not her Dad or sister. I have not told anyone to respect her wishes. Even though she thinks it fine to be gay. We are born again Christians and I need serious help. I won’t make it another year. I am 5’8 and weigh97 lbs. I can’t eat anymore. Please help me.

  16. Jane~ Here are some of the books I have read: The Heart of Female Same-Sex Attraction Janelle Hallman. Restoring Sexual Identity Anne Paulk. Out of Egypt Janette Howard. The one that helped me most was the story of a mother and her gay son and the redemption they both found (eventually, after years of prayer and fasting) in Christ. It’s called Out of a Far Country by Christopher and Angela Yuan.

    I recently heard a woman who struggles with SSA speak on a Christian radio program and she wrote a book that I ordered but haven’t received yet called Loves God, Likes Girls. Her name is Sally Gary ministry is Center Peace http://centerpeace.net/

    Barbara Johnson a well known author and speaker in the Christian realms wrote a book years ago about her gay son. She also lost two sons to death. The book is called Where Does a Mother Go to Resign. I have not read this yet but would like to.

    Besides this awesome site Shawn has put together of which I am very grateful for you might find this blog a great help as well.
    http://www.pureintimacy.org/piArticles/A000000477.cfm

    This should keep you busy for awhile. 🙂 Thank you Katrina and nkirvin for your words of faith and encouragement. Let’s all keep in touch.

  17. Shawn, Is there a way we can get each others (specificallly the ladies who have been recently sharing) email addresses so we can reach out to one another without having to use this public forum?

    • You should be able to by clicking on their name. If not, I can get them from my blog dashboard and email everyone. I am on vacation now, and will do so when I get back on Sat.

      • Thanks Shawn, I hope you had a nice vacation and happy 4th to you and your family!
        Nothing comes up when I click on the names. If you could send us an email or something so we can stay in touch personally with one another that would be great!

  18. I just found out that 19-year old son is gay. He has always been “different” from his older brother in the sense that he doesn’t like sports, hangs out with girls more, is more consumed with his appearances, likes tv shows like the Nanny, etc. etc. so I think I knew there was that possibility but my mind would not allow it to believe it could really happen to me. When I finally asked him, he said he is gay. I can’t explain what I went through the next few days of coming to terms with it. He and I are close but I couldn’t be near him because I couldn’t process it. But fortunately I snapped out of that and talked to him about it making sure to tell him that I love him but that it will take me time to come to terms with it. My heart is so broken and I am devastated. My feelings of guilt thinking about how I could have changed things when I started seeing these signs is overwhelming. Should I have steered him away from things that weren’t “normal” for boys to do? Was I too close to him in a way that wasn’t good for him. His relationship with his dad hasn’t been too good as his dad has struggled with bipolar disorder over the past several years. Is that what triggered it? I feel like I will be sad the rest of my life and will never feel happy again.

  19. Seeing my daughter now for the first time since she said she was in love with her best friend. Hard to see. I just feel so sad for the loss of her to this relationship. I have been praying to understand but some days are so difficult. I know God says he won’t give us more than we can handle but two gay children seems like more than I can bare. Will God ever intervene? What do I pray for? I want my kids happy but I don’t want them living this lifestyle. Just needed to talk.

  20. Hi Barbara~ Hopefully you can find some support here. Maybe you have read our conversations and know that you are not alone. I have good days and bad days. Sometimes I feel like the ache will never go away, other times I think about how I still have my daughter. Yes she has veered away from the path I thought she would follow in life and the dreams I and most mom’s would have for their daughter are not a reality anymore. While those dreams have died, I think about how grateful I am that she is alive (after 3 attempts at suicide thank Jesus she is alive) and she is happy and I pray that I can let go of my expectations and let her live her life and love her and be there for her to the best of my abilities.
    A friend shared this with me a few days ago and I wanted to share it here for all those struggling coming to terms with a child being gay. I have been where this mother is, I feel her pain and I never want things to end like they did for her. This really helped me a lot and maybe it will you too.
    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/linda-robertson/just-because-he-breathes-learning-to-truly-love-our-gay-son_b_3478971.html?ncid=webmail16

    • Thank you Julie; what a powerful story this mom has and a beautiful testimony of loving someone unconditionally while honestly detailing the painful yet enlightening journey to get there. So many thoughts are running through my mind right now–I am all over the place with this. I wish I could share it with my husband but with his bipolar disorder and things he is struggling with I am not sure how he would handle it and I don’t want to tell him without my son’s permission. I feel very alone so I am so grateful to have this forum and am so grateful to you for replying to me and sending me that link. The thought did occur to me more than once that I couldn’t bear to lose my son so I need to be thankful that I have him even though so many dreams and expectations will need to be let go of as you so eloquently put it. I will pray for you too and thank God that your daughter is alive. I still don’t quite understand how to view this in light of the bible but I am hanging on to my faith and that God has not forgotten me. He still died for my son and loves him unconditionally Thank you!

  21. Wow, look at all the hatefull pregidous people. As a bisexual young man looking around the internet, imagine my surprise when I found this site! I thought it would be parents shareing about how they have a young homosexual child/adult but most of what I’m seeing is just hateful, about how you want your child to change. Why? If they are homo/bisexual, support them and help them to be happy!
    ~an angry bisexual young man

    • Hi Charles – I’m glad you responded. I don’t think these comments are hate filled … they are from parents who are honestly trying to deal with the news that their kids are gay (have same-sex attractions). Just like you and I needed time to process things, so do these parents. They love their kids.

    • Hi Charles I am so sorry that you feel that we are hateful. Really it is just the opposite. We love our children and want the best life for them. My daughter is gay living with a women who has a child. The child is just beginning to go through puberty and I was so surprised to hear my daughter and her girlfriend admit they hope the little girl is straight … They understand that when you love your child you pray for not only the best but also the easiest life. Parents who love their children pray their child will have a good life and for a life without discrimination, I hope your anger turns to understanding. We love our children very much. If we did not accepting this life style would be so much easier.

  22. I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t sleep. That is how I feel. On Sunday evening, I received some news from my 15 year old son that he is gay. There are no words to express the sadness I feel. I feel as though I have lost a child. I feel as though I have buried the 15 year old son I have loved since birth. I feel I have just learned I will no longer be able to see him. My hopes and dreams are all gone. Hopes and dreams of a life fulfilled. Hopes and dreams of a life unseen. There are no words. I feel like an utter failure. I feel like there must be something wrong with Me. Something I must have done wrong in raising him, Maybe I should have made him play football? Maybe I should have made him socialize? Maybe I should have made him have a girlfriend?
    But here I sit in utter despair, broken and alone. My only hope is in Christ. But I wonder if he knows how I feel? I wonder if he will even hear my prayer in desperation. The pain is too great. The pain is too wide. The pain is too deep. The pain. The pain. The pain.

  23. Ann, Your post took me back the day I found out my Married son, father of my granddaughter, was leaving his wife, because he announced he was gay and always had been gay. He was 23 at that time. There is something you said in your post. “My only hope is in Christ.” This is the very key for surviving this situation.

    I come from a VERY conservative Christian background and the church I attend is VERY conservative. Yet, because I have found that “only hope” is truly in Christ and not just words we hear and say, I survived. My son is still gay and has been openly gay for the last 5 1/2 years. I love my son, I see him, I visit him, I love him with the love of Christ, which is compassion. My son knows I am accepting of him because he is my son, but I am not accepting of the life he has chosen. My peace is knowing that I can’t change the situation, only God can. The day that I finally put it all in God’s hands and quit blaming myself, my son or any circumstance or anything I did or didn’t do, I truly realized the “peace that passes all understanding.” But, Ann, it is a process. Please, please read Shaun’s testimony. I know that God brought me to this Web site. Shaun’s testimony is one of compassion, understanding and hope.

    Also, please know you are not alone. There are many Christian mothers and Christian fathers facing this trial. I am going to be praying for you, Ann. Feel free to reach out to me directly.

    Ann, I have a beautiful relationship with my son. His father, who is as conservative in all areas as you can get also has a relationship with his son. Our son knows we don’t agree with this lifestyle he is choosing, but he knows that we love him unconditionally, as we are loved unconditionally by our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

    • Very beautiful Katrina. Thank you for sharing.

      Anne, Christ knows, and more than that He is standing with you during this time. May you find comfort in His arms, and in the words of those here.

  24. Yes, the pain is too great. My husband and I found out about our only daughter about six months ago, amidst other life crushing events. How overwhelming it was and still is I cannot describe. My husband seems to be handling it somewhat better than I can. I cry just about every day. There is no relief. I too, feel an absolute failure, and that I somehow caused this to happen. Perhaps I was too harsh or critical? There has to be a reason, What did or didn’t I do? The thinking never stops. From the first thing every morning, to the last thing every night, to the restless middle of the night. There is no end. I am so unbelievably SAD. This is a first in our family as far as we know, and I can’t face anyone. There will be blame, shame, and unrelenting pain. My daughter has left us, and life will never be happy again. How can it be? Pleas don’t respond to or show my Email address.

    • I understand your pain, My only daughter is 19yrs old. She told me
      she was gay on Oct 1 and moved out Oct 19. I am dying
      Pray for us and I will pray for you.

  25. Another great resource is to the blog Just Because He Breathes. http://justbecausehebreathes.com/ It has changed my life and my outlook on how to be at peace with my daughter being gay. I encourage you all to hear the Robertson’s story of their gay son. Being gay is NOT a deal breaker for God. Even though it may feel like it right now…It is NOT the WORST thing that could ever happen to you or your child. I have been where you all are and God has brought me through so many difficult feelings and emotions. Once you have read their story if you are interested in joining our private face book group of mom’s who love Jesus and love their gay children get in contact with me. I believe Shaun has my contact information. The group has grown to about 90 mom’s from all over the country/world who are at all different stages of dealing with trying to understand having a gay child. Everyone is so loving and though we do not have all the answers we are walking together hand in hand as we learn to process this. When I found Shaun’s blog it helped me tremendously but I was in need of much more. I even tried to start a support group from this group but it did not take off. I felt defeated but then God led me to the Robertson’s. It was exactly what I needed. I no longer feel alone.

    • Shawn could you forward Julie Robertson’s contact information one her Facebook page for mothers as mentioned in her post. Thanks again for your ministry!

      Nancy Irvin

      Sent from my iPhone

      >

  26. Hi, it’s great to find this website. My 20 yo son just told us he is gay. We are devastated. We home schooled him and he grew up in the church so we are so shocked. But we did see things in him that made us wonder. I have a counseling back ground and know people can find freedom. I don’t accept that God made him this way. I agree that there is definitely a spiritual component. We are committed to loving our son and accepting him and hopefully he will let us into the process and we can help him find freedom. But I guess the results are up to God. I am checking out books from the library and appreciate everyone’s posts here and will look into the books suggested.

    Providentially, I saw the Roberson video before my son came out, so I was better prepared.

    If your child is open to change check out a ministry called Desert Stream/Living Waters. Google it.

    I am interested in the private Facebook group, would be great to talk to others on this journey. Thanks.

    • Thanks for commenting Helen. I would also recommend “Hope for Wholeness” – link is to your right. My book (also to your right) is being reprinted and updated, due out this March. This would be another resource for families and churches.

  27. I just wanted to ask for prayers for us and our daughter. I have followed this website for over a year now and have posted in another forum of the site, but just came across this forum. Our daughter first told us she was bisexual when she was 14 and had started a relationship with a girl and shortly thereafter told us she was gay. We have been walking this journey for 2 years now. She has been in a relationship with a girl for about 8 months now, the longest she’s been in. They recently had a falling out during Christmas and we saw our daughter turn to us, talk with us more and spend time with us during this fall out. She has recently started seeing the girl again and our daughter has instantly gone back to closing us out, not talk with us and shutting herself in her room again. Like another mom on this forum, I find that when she’s in a relationship, our daughter is angry and closed, but she doesn’t see that. Thankfully, she did start counseling shortly before Thanksgiving, so I’m praying the counselor can help her.
    Please pray for us as I found myself falling into despair again when I found out she was back in a relationship with this girl. I will keep all of you in my prayers as all of us walk this path with our children and our God.

  28. Hello.. iam so lost. I jusy found out that my 15 year old son thinks hes gay. My heart is soo broken. Broken because I am soo torn between what I feel what I think and what I need to do!! He is the love of my life, my joy my spirit, my hope and my son!!! I feel as if I am beong punished! ! I am so ashamed of myself for not being stronger! ! But I am so lost!! I just want to run away! !! Evey time I look at him I hurt! !! Hurt for him for me for his dad. We love himand want to support him but dont know how!! I am so ashamed to even be writing this.i feel like I am a bad parent! ! I jusy don’t know how to move forward.

    • Gloria,
      I’m in the same boat as you. My husband is having a very hard time as well.
      This is LIFE changing and we will never be the same but,
      I’m loving my son unconditionaly and praying for God to do the rest. I will NOT shut my son out and don’t want to make him feel bad about himself.
      I see friends he has had since he was in second grade, now turn away from him. I know this life style is a long road, but I have to be there for him even though it is different than I have been brougth up and I’m sure I will see more “so called Christians” and even family members turn us away, but NO ONE knows what they would do until they have been in our shoes.
      Praying for you.

  29. Hello Gloria, I know how you feel. You are not a bad parent and do not be ashamed to be writing how you feel or feeling the feelings you feel. I went through all of those and then some. We too love our daughter, who is 16 now. We found there is nothing we can do, we are powerless and no anger, feelings of hurt, etc. will change anything. We love her and have shown her that we do. We have turned it all over to God and his plan for this path we are walking.
    I have found that I ask God to give me strength and peace to get through each day and he has blessed me with this. Ask Him to guide you in this and He will.
    Show your son your love, the love of Christ that flows through you. It will be through this love that God will do His work for His glory.
    As far as supporting your son, we have allowed our daughter to bring her girlfriend home, but we have set specific boundaries and they have followed them. It has made it less stressful for all of us. I would also suggest all of you speak with a counselor. I know it has helped us as well.
    I will pray for you and your family.
    God bless.

  30. I have a 23 year daughter who is openly gay. We are Christians who believe that this is wrong. I struggle every day with fear, guilt, pain. I feel so alone. People know about my daughter but no one acknowledges her. She is living away from our home. I feel guilty that she spent her teenage years hiding her lifestyle from us. We went to church and made her go and the preacher would speak of the evil of homosexuality. I don’t know of anyone in my church who is going through this. I don’t feel I could even sit down and talk with my pastor or his wife about Amanda. I tried to reach out to my pastor’s wife and she knew what Amanda was doing but she talked about how busy she was and did not have time to spend with her. I know blaming others is just a way to cope with everything. I have another daughter, she knows all too well my unhappiness. I cry every day, night time is the worst time for me. My husband does not talk about it with me. We disagree on several things and so it ends up being best to not discuss anything about our daughter. She has a lot of issues. I don’t know what I am supposed to do. Who to turn to? I struggle every day. How do I get through this life?

  31. Hello Evelyn, I will pray for you and your family. My daughter has been openly gay since she declared at 14 yrs old. She’s 16. She is struggling with a lot of issues as well, issues that we cannot help her with and that I give to God on her behalf.
    I understand how difficult it is finding someone to talk with about what you’re feeling and going through. I would suggest you find a counselor that you can unburden yourself to. I think it will help you tremendously.
    You can also always post to this site. I have found comfort from hearing others support and knowing we’re all praying for each other and our children.
    Put everything into God’s hands. He is there for you and your family.

    • I don’t know where to begin to look for a counselor. I mean do I call and ask if they counsel people who are religiously opposed to homosexuality. I know we did the counselor thing before for Amanda. I found out that the counselor did not believe in God and was a nut herself. I am not trying to make excuses but I live in a small southern town. People still call someone like my daughter a dyke, lesbo to their face. I hate my daughter has chosen to do this. She was raised in church her whole life. I used to dwell on this but now I think that God is punishing me for my past. My preacher says everyone reaps what they sow, and I believe that I am reaping what I have sown from my past. I failed in this life. I would like to close my eyes and never wake up again. If it were just that simple, then I would not have to be here seeing the wickedness and feeling so much sorrow in my life. For some reason I cannot be happy because of my daughter. I am ashamed, and my mind constantly falls back to Amanda. There is so much that I have not shared. I just want to not know!

      • Evelyn – I want to say this with boldness and deep compassion: you did not do anything wrong, and God is not punishing you for things in your past! My heart aches for parents in this position, and who have unnecessary guilt and shame placed upon them by religious leaders. I am so sorry! Would you please email me what area you are from and let me check on possible ministries around you. Thanks!

  32. Evelyn, Email me I’d be happy to walk this road with you. If you read the earlier posts on here I have posted a lot of links and resources here. I have been on this road for almost 3 years now and at first I was so lost and devastated and felt so alone. God has done a great work in my heart and I no longer feel that way. He has shown me how to truly love my gay daughter unconditionally the way He does. I used to cry everyday and blame myself ect. Believe me you have done nothing wrong and God loves you and your daughter so much. I am so so sorry the church/pastor has made you feel so awful and responsible for this. God loves EVERY ONE of his children and that includes gay people. I could just cry reading your story. I wish I could give you a big hug and let you know that you will get through this. It will get better for you in time and with support. Contact me at julie@lifetreasuresphoto.com I would love to connect with you. ~ Julie

  33. Shawn—
    Do you know of any counselors in San Antonio and Austin. I am in San Antonio; I have talked to 2 christian counselors who both told me I might find someone else when I said I have a gay daughter and asked if they had experience with parents of gay children. My daughter is in Austin. Will be glad to send you my e-mail. Thank you for your hard work.

  34. The gay issue has always been hard for me. My brother came out over 30 years ago but we never saw each other much so it never affected my life. In the past few years we have reconnected so the issue is closer. He is not in a relationship so it is easier. I love my brother anyway. We do not discuss gay issues. I generally stay away from the topic because I do not want to lose my brother. A few days ago I finally asked my daughter what I had suspected for some time now. She is also gay. She is only 21 and has not dated. Not that she has shown us anyway. She told me that she has had one relationship with a female. I love my daughter very much and that will NOT change. I cried a lot last night and God lead me to this site. I do not know how to combine my love for my daughter and God’s teachings. Do I openly let her bring partners to our house and treat them like I would if they were an opposite sex couple? How do I accept her and not her life-style? I want her to be happy but I don’t want to lose her.

    • Kim, I am faced with this and have been for a few years now, with my son. He is 34 and is in a committed relationship with another man. My son was married to a woman for nine years and has two daughters from that marriage. His marriage broke up because of his choice. At first, I felt I lost my son, my granddaughters and daughter-in-law. This started happening in 2007 and the marriage ended in 2008. I am a Christian that was raised to believe this is completely and totally wrong. I am in a church that currently believes this is completely and totally wrong. I hear it from the pulpit just about every Sunday. But, I vowed as you that my love for my son would NOT change. It hasn’t. I would love to tell you that the conflict eases, it totally doesn’t.

      The 6:11 Ministries and Shawn’s story has helped me tremendously. It is where I learned it is Biblical and Christlike to love my son. That love does not mean acceptance of their lifestyle. My son knows that. But, just as I want him to see Christ’s love, I want the person he is with to see that too. Just as Shawn has shared, when someone comes face-to-face with the real person of Jesus Christ, they will change. God will change them through the power of the Holy Spirit. Well it is almost 7 years later from the day I got my startling news. My son is still in a same sex relationship. My continuous prayer for him is that he comes face-to-face with the person of Jesus Christ.

      I have stayed in his home with his partner there, because when my son has my granddaughters there for a visit, I want to see them. I am very loving and kind to my son and his partner. I know there are MANY who would throw rocks at me for doing this. I feel very guilty about this, I do, and it is a constant struggle for me to know if I am doing the right thing. Where is the balance? You see, if I said to him, I love you but hate the lifestyle (which he knows), and refused to be around him and his partner, he would see that as rejection. You can say you love them, but you have to show them as well. I don’t have the answer. I just know you have to stay in prayer through this entire process.

      Kim, it is only by God’s mercy and grace, my husband and I are able to still love our Son, in spite of his choices. I believe with all my heart that God will answer my prayers one day. I may not live to see them, but I pray for my son believing God will bring him to serve His word faithfully one day.

      In addition to the heartache of this breaking up my son’s marriage with two daughters, at 15, my son committed his life to serving God in the Church. I have a letter that he wrote to our minister at that time stating his commitment to Christ and the church. That no longer is true right now. And I am certain that *God*, *who began* the *good work* within (my son), will continue his *work* until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:7

      Please stay close to the 6:11 Ministries and their posts. The ministry and the posts have been a continuous comfort to me, knowing that I am not alone.

      Katrina email: katrina195159@gmail.com

  35. Anna, my son won’t talk to me about it either. I just try to love and accept him and make accepting comments about homosexuality and he’s started to say things, like he told me he was going to a Pride parade, so I thought that was a good step. I don’t think it’s a sin to be attracted to the same sex and feel that God set marriage up a certain way and we should stick with that. But I also feel I could be wrong and we all can be decieved but still be believers. So I am leaving it up to God and hope to get closer to my son, in time.

  36. I don’t even know how to start, to put my feelings into words is beyond hard. Finding out about my daughter has been the hardest thing. We are a Christian family who believe in Christ unfailing love. I love my daughter and I have so many questions. I found this site and now have hope. I need to talk to someone…..help

    • Katt, I just found out about my daughter…how was the last year for you, what did you do. where are you now with it. I cry daily. It has been 4 days and I am severely depressed, in denial, etc. My daughter and I have not actually had a conversation yet. Help!

  37. My daughter has recently decided she would be gay . she has been married and has two grown children. I hate this ,it turns my stomach .I am 72 years old and do not understand why my daughter would turn into a pervert at this late date .she is 46. Why do we have to accept their lifestyle ? To me it is like accepting cancer. .I am ashamed of her and do not want to even look at her.

    • 3 weeks ago I found out through social media that my 17 year old son was trying to meet other homosexual men, in their 20’s. My husband and I confronted him and he finally admitted this was true and he feels that he is gay and has had these thought for a while. We are beyond devasted, words cannot describe the level of pain we have been going through for weeks now. I have not gone one day without crying and am spiraling into depression now. I also have a 12y.o. daughter and 13 y.o son who also need a mother who can be happy it is so unfair to them but I cannot turn off these emotions. This came as such a shock to us as there were never any signs. He has been absolutely girl crazy since grade school and girls love him. He played football, he was a state champion wrestler, ran track and cross country. His girlfriend went on vacation with us just this past summer and we actually had to tell him to stop trying to sneak into her room at night. We have a very large family who have very conservative family values and this will not be accepted among Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, and cousins. He is at the age where he thinks he knows more than us so he argues when we tell him, if takes this path there will be much heartache, pain, and rejection in the road ahead. He admitted to me that he does not want to be gay but can’t stop these thoughts going through his mind. The fact that he said this gives me hope and I am keeping the faith. I feel like t.v. And all medias are shoving this in our faces each and every day and making it seem like its so normal as if you and your lover will just adopt a Korean baby and live happily ever after. I knew a gay man one time and he told me it was a very permiscious and depressing life full of empty memories. My son is such a beautiful person with so much to offer, It kills me to know that he will be shunned and laughed at. I don’t want to loose him I love him so much, we were so close, but if goes through with this our relationship will never be the same. I believe we all have strong immoral temptations but it is up to us to choose right or wrong and I am trying to get him to understand that. I have read many positive stories where people have had these strong urges toward the same sex, but did not want to be homosexual. With strong willpower were able to overcome and go on to be happy and have the joy of having their own children to love. I am searching for books, testimonials, anything, that we can read to inspire us get through this. My children are my heart and soul and I realize I can’t stop him if he chooses this but I will never give up praying and fighting for him to overcome this.

  38. I am a 26 year old mother I’ve always brought my children up in the gear of God but I just found out my 13 year old is gay..I’m lost why God

    • I just found out also. 4 days ago. I am so lost, it is beyond scary. I literally feel like I am going to throw up.

  39. My beautiful, talented, kind, sweet, loving daughter has a girlfriend. WHAT? She is 18, pretty much on her own and experimenting. Is it a phase, an experimentation or her life now? She had a boyfriend for a few years, what now? Who am I the mother to now? She will not discuss it with me. Is kind of pushing me away and that hurts more than anything. I think that rarely are the parents feelings thought of. We thought of her for years before she was conceived, nearly a year in the belly, then 18 years of loving and caring. Yes, my Cinderella vision for her was in full swing in my head. I’ll admit that my vision of her life is different. I feel differently towards her, I can’t define it. Like I’ve been pushed to the side because she is trying to protect herself and now I am doing the same. Retreating to my corner to lick my wounds. Yet I feel so raw inside. Different. Like a stranger came in and stole my well ordered life from me and is taunting me with it. It is definitely a mourning period, a grieving period for what was. Yea, I know, it will be a new normal, but I have to get past the OLD NORMAL first. That is going to take me some time. I LOVE HER to the moon and back, and nothing will ever change that. I will accept her for who she is because I know she loves me and will do what it takes to help me to understand her too, eventually. She is the biggest love of my life next to my husband. I will never let go of that love, nor trade it. Her girlfriend, or whomever, will be brought into our home with love, but I hope she realizes I need time too.

    • Jbird, It’s been three months since your post and I’m curious….is it a phase? My daughter is only 15 and believes now, after becoming friends with a girl who happens to be a lesbian, that she too is gay. Is it a phase? I guess I always thought that if you were gay you knew it. You felt it. I never thought that the only way you would know for sure if you were gay is if you experienced it. That is what my sweet and lovely 15 year old daughter is bring told by her friend. My daughters friend is a lesbian and told my daughter…”How do you know your not gay if you never tried it”. I wrote a reply to PLM, and if you see that reply, I would appreciate your input and feelings about your own journey.

    • Hi Aline,
      To state bluntly, no, it is not your fault that you’re child is gay. And no, God will not punish you because your child is gay. God’s love holds you both, and will hold you both through this journey.

  40. My 17 year old daughter recently to me that she is gay. She came home after a basketball game – she is a varsity cheerleader- and asked to talk. I was in a state of shock. Still am. I am accepting of others….I don’t consider myself to be judging of others and I always thought I could handle something g like this. I do not understand why I feel so absolutely devastated. I love my daughter and I want us to remain the close tight knit family that we have always been….I am so confused. My daughter does not seem upset….she says she is happy that it’s out in the open. She is a girly girl. I always imagined her marrying a man and having a beautiful family…..I can’t help being absolutely inconsolable. I don’t want anyone to ever hurt her feelings….I don’t want her to struggle…..I feel like we no longer have anything in common. I have so many emotions. I’m worried about how my extended family will react. My husband has not taken this as hard as I have and he is becoming frustrated with me, I can tell. I would do anything to become okay again….I just don’t know where to start. Anyone who has any advice….I would be thankful. I am probably not making much sense….because it’s hard to put how I feel into words. All that I know is that I’m heartbroken for her….or for myself….I don’t really know right now.

    • its totally normal to be confused and you said that your daughter is happy that’s its out in the open so she may be open to questions too. Its not rude to ask questions for a better understanding of how she feels. When I told my parents I was gay it was pretty much the same my mom was really weird about it but my dad didn’t care much. I know my experience was different from many others because everyone in my family is supportive but i do know that even though everyone is supportive you still have to worry about what people think or what they will say. So be careful what you say, you don’t sound homophobic that’s why i’m responding, i think that you are just confused which is totally fine as long as you are open to new ideas and you are open to understanding your daughters lifestyle.

    • PLM, Your story and feelings hit home for me. It’s been two months since your post, so I’m curious how it’s going. My daughter is only 15 and has always been boy crazy. She had a boyfriend she was crazy about. She was so excited about her first kiss and told me her dreams of being with him forever. That all changed when school started. A girl on my daughters volleyball team became friends with my daughter and decided to tell the team she and my daughter were “together”. My daughter said she was straight and that it was just a joke. That same week her boyfriend broke up with her. She was heartbroken. My daughter spent more than a month in tears. She found comfort in spending time with her new friend from the volleyball team. My daughter told us that her new friend is a lesbian and that she was not going to stop being her friend just because of her sexual orientation. My daughter told me she was straight and that her friend was ok with that. Recently my world, or the way I saw my world unfolding, fell out from under me. My daughter now believes she is gay. I love my daughter and her sexual orientation will not change that. I am confused though. I don’t get what’s going on. My daughter? My daughter is telling everyone she is now “with” this girl and the ripple effect of that is crazy to say the least. My friends approaching me and questioning me, and I haven’t even had a chance to wrap my head around this. My son being teased and tormented at school by classmates. It’s just a matter of time before the news reaches family. My daughters friend has not come out to her parents. However, she has no problem “outting” my daughter. She’s holding her hand and kissing her in the hallways at school. My daughter is reciprocating, but my daughter so desperately wants to be accepted. This girl even ask my daughter how she would know she wasn’t gay if she never tried it. I’m furious with this girl. Especially when she and a friend of hers thought it would be funny to post on social media about how she “eats my daughter”. Can you imagine? That is how my husband and I found out that my daughters friendship with this new friend is on a whole different level. Now what? My daughter still spends time with this girl while they are at school, but we put a stop to them getting together outside of school. No more sleepovers was the first thing we stopped! This girl keeps pushing my daughter, including telling her to lie to us about where she going, so they can meet up. I want to go to this girls parents, but I’m not sure of the backlash that will cause. I know if we don’t allow them to be together that could backfire. I’m babbling on…it may be because this has me feeling like I’m stuck in a tornado and I don’t see the calm at the of this storm.

    • I’m in the same boat with you my sweet 22 came to me a said she thinks she’s gay my whole world fell apart I was like your not gay you just don’t wake up and decided your gay I was mad hurt all at the same time she upset and DONT understand why I won’t let them sleep together I’n my house she seems to think it’s not fare she gave her life to the lord 2years ago so I knw she KNWS wht she doing is wrong I get angry with her at times now she moved away we talk just ab everyday bit the hurt is still There and she so bold ab this I really believe she is so confused she don’t knw it all started out with her when she started worked at a hotel she was dating a man but when he broke her heart Eric gay friends told her that being gay eat not wrong and it was OK so from then on she decided that she might be gay she met a girl and now she thinks this is wht God blessed her by sending her this girl I’m sure God put this girl in her life for a reason but you will never make me believe he put her in her life to sleep with Bc it’s an abomination and that’s wht I worrie ab Bc God doesn’t look upon that and I’m afraid I’ll never see my baby in heaven I pray to God he spares her life so she can get her life back right I’m sorry if I might have offended anyone I’m just trying to understand

  41. My son is 27 , never had a girlfriend .very shy. Loves video games. We had to move after my divorce of 30 yrs. Me my 2 son’s and my daughter. My 27 yr old son put a house in his name so we would be together.A good son rt? Now 2 yrs in after a long divdivorce battle we are in more hell. My 27 yr son is seeing a guy that acts and thinks hes a girl. My son is not the same. Thisguy keeps playing him back and forth and he lives with a guy and draw s my son in to allhis droma of how he as to stay with him but wants my son on the side . Its sick. Im afraid hell do something dump or lose his very good job. Me and my younger kids have noware ealse to go. We we’re so happy and now all I do is worry .I have disability s so I can’t work much. Please pray for us.

  42. I had a few gay friends when I was working at a resort hotel, so I don’t feel like I am a homophobe. However, when my teenage son decided that he was gay and was born this way because of a series of events that took place in his life, this was a completely different thing. Like most everyone, I have had some very difficult and painful struggles in my life but this news was far more painful than anything I have ever felt. My husband and I went through all of the stages of guilt, anger, regret, depression, sadness, you name it we went there. My husband was unable to focus at work for weeks and felt like it was a nightmare that you never wake up from. I was to the point where I had made a doctor appointment to get on some medication to numb my pain because I was consumed with sadness and I could not get thorough one day without crying. I somehow was able to pull myself together, cancel my doctor appointment and begin searching for help and answers for healing weather it be spiritual or non spiritual. I researched day and night why this was happening to my son. I read many of the pro gay articles stating “we were born this way” as well as the stories, research and testimonies of people who were able to break free from homosexuality. I also admit that I invaded my sons privacy, but I am his parent and have this right, and searched through some of the histroy on his social media. What I found was quite shocking. For a while he had been saturating his mind with gay you tube videos, articles about gay rich happy celebrities, pictures of very handsome men in bed together and so on. I also had noticed that he had become more and more angry and distant over the past several months. Anymore, you cannot watch one movie or sitcom without there being the gay couple or the feminine guy, its everywhere. I am age 40 and when I was a kid you never saw these kinds of things and I don’t remember ever there being gays in my schools, even through college it was not in your face. Moral corruption now is everywhere. I feel our children are being taught at an early age that being gay is completely normal and just go with it, its cool, you need love and acceptance now matter what the gender, right? I love my son too much to just sit back and accept watching him throw his life away with out trying to help him. We have always been very close and after I got over being angry and hateful my heart began to fill up with so much love for him all over again. I felt so bad about the way I reacted and I told him how sorry I was. I have spent hours talking to my son and educating him about this lifestyle he is thinking about and it is not the glamour that he sees on the internet. It is a life of shame, promiscuous, depression, drugs, dysfunction, childless…. He turned his back on me for weeks, did not want to hear it and I did not judge or shake my finger at him only showed him love. I am not a “religious” person but I am a spiritual person and I do believe in God and that that homosexuality is wrong. We began going to an amazing church, and family therapy even though he tried to resist all of it. Therapy has revealed events that have happened during childhood to add to his sexual confusion. My son has met some kids who don’t just want to go party every weekend, but good influences in his life and this has made a difference. We are doing more family things like boating, cycling, eating dinner together rather everyone going their separate ways. My son’s attitude has improved so much toward his parents and siblings. I put no pressure on him to date girls but he has now gone on a few dates with a girl and is very happy about it. We are told at every corner that we must get over it and accept it and we feel beaten down at times. You cannot hate or turn you back your child if this happens to them, at the same time, if you don’t feel that it is not right you can lovingly let them know. You must love them and show them even more love and support than you did before. Although we still have more healing to do. My son is living proof that with support and willpower a person can begin to turn their life around and these same sex thoughts can eventually leave their mind. This is our journey and I am writing it in hopes that it can be an inspiration to someone.

  43. I’m just crushed my 19 year old son told me he was gay. Said he’s known since he was 13 and prayed every morning and every night for God to help him. He’s a christian and told me he’s so so sorry he doesn’t want to be gay. Love my son with all my heart nicest kid in the world. Please pray for my big guy that God will free him of the deceit that he feels.

  44. I am a divorced mother of 3 kids ages 15,17 & 20. We were in a mentally abusive life with my ex who especially targeted our oldest son because though he is a big kid, wasn’t athletic as his father wanted him to be. Instead, he’s a “gentle giant” & loving. My ex labeled him “sissy momma’s boy” & has nothing to do with him. My son is a Jr in college now & never dated or had sex with anyone. He’s been very troubled lately & told me he feels he may be gay. I assured him my unconditional love, but inside I’m shocked & devasted. He’s told no one else & I’m worried of the impact on his younger siblings if this is made known by him, not to mention how this will shatter his grandparent’s who love them all so much. Please help me!

  45. I just can’t understand stand how one day my daughter just decided she was gay I can’t seem to get over this and now she don’t understand stand why I will not let them sleep together under my roof so does this make me a bad mom

  46. Can someone plz tell me how to understand why my daughter up and dense wanted to be gay at age 22 and I’m so upset and she don’t understand why they can’t togather in my home plz help me understand

  47. Wow, I had no idea there were so many parents like me out there. I, too, struggled when I found out my daughter was probably gay (she still has never actually said “I’m gay”). She is incredibly successful in her job, well respected and loved by many. I remember feeling like some of you have stated that when I found out she was gay, it was like a death
    …gone was her walking down the aisle in a beautiful wedding dress with her proud dad in the same church we were married in. Say goodbye to grandchildren and all that traditional crap….and yes I know that we live in a world were gay people can get married and have kids, etc. But for those of you in this situation, you understand…you just kinda have to re-program your brain. So just as I think I’m ok….along comes another wrinkle. Turns out there is someone in her life….and it’s a girl….and….she’s married…to a man. REALLY!? (Insert four letter words uttered in total despair). I found out about the affair and kept it to myself for awhile. I’ve cautioned my daughter about this person and my daughter neither denies nor confirms. However, I know it to be true. So what the heck?! I just wanna throttle them and tell them that adultery is adultery plain and simple. It is literally affecting my health. A part of me feels the need to completely disengage. Tell my daughter I love you but I can no longer support or applaud your choices. I do not think I would ever ‘welcome’ this woman into my life. I would feel the same way if she was straight and fooling around with a married man! Sometimes I think the LGBT community gives one another a pass on these issues because perhaps since this woman is really gay, she’s not really cheating…at least not with another man. But I just don’t agree. I don’t think you can have it both ways!
    Thank you for allowing me to vent. I appreciate your advice and your prayers!

  48. My name is karen. I have twin grandsons and my daughter who is their mother told me she is gay. She had already moved away with the twins after i supported her, etc. Many people already knew and played me like im a joke like asking where is your daughter this weekend when they already knew. I believe she is bipolar. She just started coming home to visit and disappears with old boyfriends but has a live in girlfriend where she resides with my grandchildren. Everyone tells me i just have to accept her. Obviously they dont have grandchildren involved and see their child destroying their life. She is also a stripper. I feel so alone and even society has rejected me. I started drinking and just dont want to wake up. I tried counceling but just came out feeling more alone.

  49. My son is gay I feel like its my fault I cry everyday I wish I was dead then I wouldn’t have to cope I hate his father and all the men in my family especially my oldest brother cause he molested my son his father was never there my son never had a chance and I was young and stupid I hate my self the men I was with never tault my child how to be a man I hate my self and will for ever blame my self for my mistake

  50. Since my son came out a week ago about being gay, we have been really trying to understand why. I keep reading about the root cause and none of it applies to us. My son has always been closer to me that his father but his dad has always been here and has loved him like our daughter. My husband is much quieter and never had like intense talks with either of our kids and most of the time they came to me for stuff than dad, not everything but most, but yet he was always here and was always affectionate with them ect. Our son has always been much more argumentitive and stubborn and my husband is not like that, he would get more frustrated with him, they seemed to just butt heads alot when he was older where I understood him better so we just never did. They always seemed to figure it out and talk though. It was like that in my home, I was much closer to my mother than my father
    One of my concerns about going forward is we both obviously are going to continue love him and show him our love like Christ loves us. I know that I need to trust the Lord and give this over to Him but my husband is not a strong Christian, he actually has really lost faith for alot of reasons over the last 10 years in his life. I’m afraid that our son wont see God’s love through just myself, I don’t think I can get my husband to support groups or church with us. Is this going to be more damaging to our son? My husband would not shut him out and I know he will still show him he loves him. I just keep waiting for our son to come and tell us he wants help or to change. He is adament that he can’t change this and that he was born this way. He says it wasn’t anything we did. He says that God still loves him and approves of it since he was “created” this way. He says it isn’t a sin. He has been shooting back stuff that I can’t explain, stuff I know he is getting from his gay friend at his work, like in the Bible it says we aren’t suppose to eat pork, and we aren’t suppose to wear certain fabrics. He just says we sin every day. I’ve explained that when we sin we’re suppose to ask for forgiveness and work on not doing the sin again. He just keeps saying its not wrong. It is breaking my heart.

  51. Michelle, Same story here. My son told us about 18 months ago. We love our son very much and my husband has pulled away from the church for several reasons over the past 10 years too. My husband is now beliving that my son was born gay since we have seen the signs since he was 2 years old. My husband does not want me to preach to our son and knows that our son can go into depression if he does not have our Love.
    My son says that he is God’s child and the bible is interpreted diferent ways. I have read some other views of interputation of the scripture and trying to have an open mind and pray for God’s guidance. I think about it everyday and cry a lot in wondering if I”m doing what God would want me to do, but do not want my son to want to move far away from us because I disagree with him being gay. Im starting to believe that he would not choose this.
    I have told my son that I don’t understand all of this but DO know that I will always love him and I will be there for him when he needs me.
    I feel that I can accept him and his gay friends without condoning everything.
    I’m loving like I feel that Jesus would want me to love.
    This will probalby split up my side of the family in the near future, but I will stick by my son and try and point him to Jesus and the cross.
    It is so good to hear others that are in the same boat as I am.
    I’m taking 1 day at a time.

  52. I just just found out by accident that my 18th years old son is bisexuals which is gay to me. I cry and cry for 2 day, I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I kept telling myself that he is not dead just gay. I can’t over come this at all! I can’t seem to wrap my head over this. I’m 39 year old, and I am very open minded to anything but not this. I have been a very positive person, always trying to keep my head up but now I can’t even look at anyone face. I strongly believe that no one was born this way. I was born and I never recall having feelings or love for anyone until I got much older. My son was a perfect child, I work so hard for him, I feel like I gave all my heart and he took a knife and carve out my heart and flush it down the toilet. I try and try but I can’t even look at him, I don’t want to push him away but it hurts too much to even look at him. He got a full ride at University of Irvine so I was already sad about him moving so far, then he told me he is bisexuals, met some guy online.. I can’t help but to blame myself. I felt that it so selfish of him to freely do whatever that make him happy. .. what about me? What about my feelings, my hard work to raise him? Doesn’t that count for anything? Why can’t he wait until I dead and do whatever he want.. I want to thank everyone on this post, I read all the comments and cry again because I feel your deep pain. I am not a shame of my son, I am a shame of how do I over come this, I just can’t accept. I feel like by accepting this I have to give up my belief, faith and moral. But if I don’t then I lose my son. I have two younger children that I really need to attend to but can’t seem to think straight. Please help me god! Give me the strength and the will power to come this obstacle.

  53. I also have a son, who came out in 2013. I am still going back and forth. My husband sees this matter differently. I am trying to keep both of them, but feel like I am fighting a losing battle.

  54. My daughter 22 yrs old, came to the house to drive us to lunch for my 50th birthday girls day out. I had just surgery on my leg. She tells me that she is dating someone and that I’m not going to like it. I said why and that’s when she said its a girl! I said ” Where is your new tatoo?” She was like why did you say that? Cause you always tell me something dumb before you tell me about a new tatoo. But she was serious. I was mad and in disbelief. But I keep my self in check. I love her so much so I didn’t want to push her away. She asked me if I wanted to know anything about her and I said yea. All she told me is that she was a cop. I told her you know how I feel about all this. I’m old fashion or old school. We had our girls day
    With lunch and petties. So much was going through my head. I was so dumbfounded. I still am. I blame one if her friends for introducing it to her. This other girl has been crazy obsessed with my daughter. Her friends said things to my daughter and my friends and my husband and I. She confessed to a friend of mine after talking to me. Telling her she was bi. My daughter was in a couple serious relationships. She was planning on getting married. Unfortunately that ended. When she finally talked to my husband (after posting gay rights stuff on social media ) she said she liked girls and had Decided to just date girls. So many things that has taken place in the past makes it so hard to believe that she is gay. We told her we love her but can not deal with her bringing a girl here. My question is how do I live with this? I cry everyday for the daughter I thought I had and the future she said she wanted. We were so close, best friends. It’s new not even 2 months. I have no one to talk to. I’m sad mad embarrassed and angry. How do I just accept something I know is not right? That it’s a choice she has made! I’m sorry.. This is the first venting I have done.

    • Kristine,

      Reading your post is like reading my own reality. My daughter is 20, she first started hanging out with her bi sexual friend and now she is dating a girl. She has had a couple of serious boyfriends, that she was very hurt when the relationship ended. I’m a mess I can’t sleep, I am gaining weight, I cry multiple times a day, I beg God for some help, days I can’t talk to God, I’m so confused, hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, scared, disappointed, I just can’t find any respite from this.
      She and I aren’t talking at all which hurts me more as we have always been close. Social media is how I found out. She has never really talked to me about it. I feel extremely guilty for my own feelings and not wanting to talk to her. I do want to have a relationship with her but I am so lost.

      • Melanie, I’m so sorry. It’s now been 3 1/2 months. I still cry and can not believe this is my reality. We still talk and she comes over. When we are together, there is a big elephant in the room. I don’t feel we have anything in common. Nothing is spoken of her lifestyle (choice). I know things will change if she continues with this lifestyle, and she has someone serious. I’m sure we will loose her for sure. I just can not accept this, but I love her more than life itself.

  55. My little brother, more like my son, just came out to me that he is gay. He’s 14 and told me via text. At first I was heart broken. I told him I loved him no matter what but I do feel as if it’s my fault because I raised him? I asked him and he said he was never around guys just me (his big sister) and my friends. So idk how to feel about that. I asked him to bring over his BF this weekend and I would cook and we could watch movies..is that the right thing to do? I am the only family member who knows…I’m more of a mother to him than our mom ever was.

  56. Our daughter has cerebral palsy and is in a wheel chair. She is an excellent student and graduated from high school with honors. She was raised in a loving Christian home. However, because of her condition, she had trouble making friends since there were few people in her high school with special needs. She had emotional issues when she was younger trying to fit in and eventually became friends with a girl from the special needs camp she would visit every year in the summer. We felt she needed to relate to other children with special needs to try and help her adjust better. They continued their friendship on-line. Her friend went to college in another State and when it came time for my daughter to pick a college she picked the same one as her friend. We dropped her off at college this past August and she proceeded to go online to meet a girl to, “hang out” with from another college. The next few months she stopped communicating with us and eventually we found out she was a lesbian and dating this online friend. Needless to say, after everything she has been through already with her physical condition, my wife and I are having a hard time accepting that she is gay. She has lied to us, to cover for this relationship, on a regular basis and we simply can’t believe what she is saying each time she talks to us. We are 9 hours away. This is right after our oldest son died in a car accident at 21 years of age in June of this same year. We feel that everything we have stood for and raised in our children has been altered forever. Any suggestions for two struggling parents that have been married for 24 years and thought we were doing the right thing by living a Christian life? We feel like first we lost our son to death and now we have lost our daughter in a different way. We wish that 2015 would end so maybe we can move on to 2016 with more hope than this year brought us as parents.

    Mark and Sue

  57. I am very distraught. I am in a surreal reality, going through the same thing. It is a nightmare that I wish I was not in. I lie down in my bed and can’t fandom the reality that I find myself in. My 15 year old daughter is at an all girls school. She has always felt insecure about her looks and I feel that maybe I caused this insecurity by not letting her know that she was beautiful enough, smart enough. She has been manifesting anger & aggression for about a year now. I suspected something was wrong but couldn’t figure it out. I suspected depression but couldn’t pin point the source. Well she thinks she might be gay. She has not said this directly to me but I know this is how she feels. I am being selfish I just can’t comprehend why????? Why God why? She hates me, called me a bitch. I don’t know what to do. I am so hurt & feel so lonely. My husband says there is nothing to be done. Just wait for her to leave the house when she is old enough and let her live her life. I can’t live that way. To be honest I rather something happen to me than this. Is it my fault? I did not seek God in my Life enough. Did not show them God too often. I feel so guilty & helpless. I am a shell of myself. I can’t sleep & am crying all the time. My daughter hates me for showing weakness & emotion. I am emotionally drained. She shows no emotion other than anger & aggression. I feel like I have lost her forever at 15. How could others have more influence over me?? Please help me I feel so lonely and scared for the future. What will I tell my mother & siblings??? My family is falling apart. I feel this is all my fault, the guilt is consuming me. Please GOD have mercy, please!!!

  58. I understand your pain, sadness and hurt. One thing I am sure of is being gay is not a choice. Anymore than being straight is a matter of choice. I have seen my children struggle with life. Trying to live a Christian life and live as though they could pretend to be straight. When they did not have those feelings. Having gay children brings so many sad feelings. For myself as well as for them. But I believe God has a plan for each of us. And as a parent I love my children. I cry at night and ask God to help me cope. But more than anything I pray he keep my children safe and let them live a happy life.
    I sometimes wonder if because of the need for population control could governments somehow have something to do with hormones in our drinking water cause the amount of people who are gay today. Thirty years ago I may have known or heard of one gay person in the neighborhood.but today it seems everyone has someone who is gay in their family.
    As I read your letters I feel the pain in your words. Just remember your children are hurting too. They need your love now more than ever.

  59. I just found out a few days ago that my son is gay and has had a boyfriend for 1 1/2 years. I’m having such a hard time with this. He told only me, and wants me to tell other family members. i can’t bring myself to do it. He thinks it is no big deal. i’m getting more depressed as each day goes by. I’m a nervous wreck. I need someone to talk to. Is there any telephone counseling available? My son is grown and lives in another city. I always look forward to his visits, but now dread the though of him visiting again. I don’t want him to know how I feel. Can’t imagine how much it would hurt and how rejected he would feel. I did reassure him that I love him. I wish he had not told me. Please help!

    • I understand how you feel. The only thing I can tell you is that time will help. I do not think it is fair of him to ask you to tell others. As much as this is no big deal to him. He also needs to understand this is a difficult thing for you. It took him a year and a half to be able to tell you. So he knows how difficult telling you was. I would call him and tell him you love him. And always will. But also let him know that this is. Not your responsibility. If he wants others to know about his life style than it is his responsibility to tell them.

      Be firm, he has the right to live his life. But you also have rights in this relationship too.

      If you need time before you see him. Let him know this too. Your son is what he is and it is not his fault or yours. It just is… And as much as I am sure it took him a long time to accept himself. You are also entitled to have time to deal with this too.

      I hope this helps you. Allow yourself time to cry, time to grieve. This is a big loss for you. Not that you are loosing your son. But that you are loosing who you believed him to be.

      • Thank you Pat for your reply. I am so sad over this. My husband does not know. I wish I didn’t know it. I know I need to talk to him and tell him, but I hate to see the pain it will bring.
        I went to a Christian counselor today. Not sure it helped much, but she encouraged me to tell my husband. It will be a week tomorrow since my son told me (through email) …I’m wondering if I will always be this sad over it. I cry when I’m in the car. I have lots of friends, but can’t seem to confide in any of them.
        I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me.

  60. I found out December 26, 2015 that my 14 year old daughter is gay. It came out of left field and I’m still in shock. After finding out I sent her to live with her dad. She begged me to come live with me again and I let her but I’m about to send her back to live with her dad for good and I’m disowning her. This is something I just cannot accept. She’s my only child and I don’t even want to look at her or think about it. It’s really messing me up mentally because I had no idea.

    • Oh Diana,
      I know it is hard, but please don’t dis own her. She needs you more than ever now. Show her love and pray that God does the rest.
      My son came out 2 years ago and about broke my heart because of the way I have been brought up. I pray everyday that God will draw him close and show him how much he needs God in his life. I pray that I can show Love to him and whoever he brings around. You maybe the only way they can see God’s love.
      Too many kids kill themselves because of being pushed away and not loved.
      Thinking of you.
      Reba

    • Diana, I cannot agree more with Reba’s reply. We are Christ to our family, to our children. Please do not disown your daughter. You can let your child know that you disagree with them and do not understand and still show them the love of our Lord Jesus Christ. I have been walking this walk now for almost 9 years. My son not only told us he was gay, he also told his wife, with whom he has two daughters. My son was going to be a minister in a conservative Christian community and he left that plan, his family and is now married to another man. Hard? Yes. A trial? Yes. Surviving? Yes by the mercy and grace of God. Please take time to read Shawn’s testimony and read through all the resources here. This web site was a God send at a time I really needed it. I still love my son and I always tell him so. He knows my beliefs, he grew up in those beliefs. I know that I am called to love him with the love of God and to pray for him and to continually place my son and the situation in the hands of God.

      Rejecting your child will close doors that you may not be able to open. Doors that will allow your child to see God’s love through your eyes. I do not know your faith or belief, I just share mine with you to show you that through God’s love there most assuredly can be peace in this situation.

      Every time I get an email about a post and it is a parent hearing for the first time their child says they are gay, my heart hurts remembering the first time I heard. I knew my life was over, my son’s life was over. Guess what? We are surviving. Will I ever see my son walk away from his homosexual lifestyle? I don’t know. I pray for God to deliver him from evil and to bring him back to His light. I pray for aGod to continue to keep me strong in faith and not grow weary.

      I pray God’s love, mercy and peace be upon you and your daughter.

      Kathleen

  61. Hello, my name name is Cris. I came out to my mother as Genderfluid and lesbian just last year. My mother, being a Christian was questioning and hurt by it just like you.
    Please understand that we are not trying to hurt you. At the same time we ask that you do try to understand we had a really hard time coming to terms with this too. I grew up a baptist so the first time I thought about a girl like I was supposed to think about boys, I thought I was possessed. You do not have to accept your child but please try to accept that this is only one part of who they are. They are much more than just the label of “gay”. They still think and act like a human being. It is completely up to them if they continue to act upon the attraction they feel, but do keep in mind they will probably be a lot less happy…
    I hope you keep your faith strong and just try to love your child as much as you can bring yourself to.
    Thank you.

    • Very well said. I found out a year ago that my daughter is gay, & I will admit, I was devestated! I think for the 1st 6 months I cried. I wondered what I did wrong, what people would think of me, why would she do this to me? You are right, out kids aren’t trying to hurt us, my child kept it from me for almost a year, because she didn’t want to disappoint me. Once I realized that she is still the same, and I stopped obsessing over it, my life has become more peaceful, and our relationship got back on track;). No parent “wants” this for their child, but once we accept that we can’t change things, life is better. Maybe it’s a phase, maybe it’s forever. I just know that I love my daughter, and want her in my life no matter what!

  62. Cris,
    I respect you and thank you for your comments.
    My son came out 2 years when he was 16.
    This has been a hard road for me to accept because of my up bringing, but I am accepting him and I’m loving him even if I never understand it.
    We MUST love like Jesus and be there for all who needs us. I have had to find another church to go to so if my son comes with me that he feels loved and not judged. (For me as well)
    I pray you find loving Christians who will love you. Know that God is there for you as well.
    My prayer is that my son sees how much he needs God in his life no matter who else he has in his life as a partner.
    I love you In Christ, Cris and will pray for you and your family.

  63. Thank you Cris for posting. I’m still unhappy from finding out that my son is gay. We communicate some, but it is not the same. I don’t think I can embrace his life style. I have no desire to meet his partner. I tell him I love him every chance I get, but things are different. He does not know how I feel. I’m sad over this, and mad at myself for being embarrassed of it. I would rather not have to tell anyone about it.

    I’m trying hard to understand, but it is just not something I can embrace.
    He wants us (his family) to be ‘happy’ for him. I truly want him to be happy, but I keep hoping he will ‘wake’ up and realize this is not the way to be happy.

    I’m glad I have this forum to post on. I went to a counselor, and she was zero help. I don’t dwell on it in my thoughts as much as I did at first. I still haven’t told a soul, not even my husband. I guess I’m still in denial.

    He wanted my to tell my husband, but I just can’t. It made me so sad, I hate to put my husband through this.

    My son has really changed so much since he found a partner.

    • I too feel the same about my daughter. I struggle daily. I cry most days. I do not understand this at all. I read to try and find answers to help me deal with her. I love her and she knows it. But when we are together it is now awkward. I no longer look at her social media. No one knew about this before, but what I hear she has on there,there is no way its a secret anymore. She has a girlfriend. They travel back and forth to see each other. The girl is in a different state. Since she has told us, it is never talked about. I cant even get my husband to talk to me. I think he is in denial. Everything I read to help me deal just says to love her. To accept this. But no one tells me How to do this. Reading others post on here makes me feel like I’m not alone. It would be nice to have someone to talk to.

      • reading others post sounds just like me but How do I accept it? I’m trying I really am but today I feel dead . I wish I was . I used to be so close with my daughter, but I know now I am not alone

  64. Sheila, I just want you to know reading your post was like I was talking. I feel the same way. However therapy has helped me a little. I still have days when I cry and I feel upset and confused. My husband does know but we are the only family that does. Hang In There you aren’t alone. I just pray for peace in my heart and mind. Each passing week it seems I do feel a little better just because time has made me realize that it is our daughters life to lives as she pleases and there is nothing we can say to change that.

    • Thank you for taking the time to reply. Maybe it will get better with time. I hate that I am so disappointed in him. He would be hurt if he knew how I felt. I wish I didn’t know. It was easier that way.

  65. Shelia, Your feelings are a carbon copy of our house. Our daughter really changed now that she has a partner. We are not interested in meeting her partner either. My wife is in denial. The only difference is we both know. You should tell your husband as he will need time to come to grips with this and it is a long process. Our daughter wants us to be happy for her too but we are simply not happy. Our relationship is much more distant than before. We both tell her we love her too but, unfortunately, their is not much we can do to change her mind. Please know that we understand how you feel and wish we could help you. This change has not been for the better for our family either. It is a day to day struggle.

    Mark and Sue

    • Thank you for taking the time to reply. Hope it will get easier as time goes on. I feel helpless. I know there is nothing I can do to change the situation. I just pray everyday that God will speak to him in some way and draw him closer. I don’t like feeling this way toward my own child. I know it must take lots of courage to come out, but it still is so hard to accept. Wishing you peace!

  66. Sheila,
    Our son passed away in June at the age of 21 yrs old. He was a promising person that was the light of our life. Our daughter has now told us this news so it comes as a double shock to us. We have been reading scripture and books that help us understand a little better what God’s plan has for all of us. We do not understand this but our savior’s infinite wisdom will get us through these times. Try your best to reach out to her and keep her in your life. It is better than not being able to hug them like my son. Just know that we are thinking of you and wishing you and your family nothing but the best. Remember, God will give you what you need if you ask for it in prayer. However, you must ask. Wishing you the best.

    Mark and Sue

  67. Oh, Sue, I’m so sorry about the loss of your son. I could not imagine how hard that must be. My son is gay and 18. This has been the hardest 18 months of my life since he came out to us. My son is the light of our life and I’m not sure why this has happen and I’ll never know the answers, but will always love him and point him to Christ.
    My son is reminded most everyday at college/social media by someone who wants to treat him different or say unkind things. The sad thing is that Christians are sometimes the worse ones.
    Our children need us more than ever to love them unconditionally.
    I agree with you that at least you can hug your daughter.
    Thinking and praying for you and your family.

  68. Mark and Sue,
    I am so sad to hear of your son’s death. I can’t imagine how hard it has been for you!
    I know I have so much to be thankful for. I’m trying hard to accept this and love my son. He does not know how sad I am. I do love him and try to let him know every chance I get.

    I have been praying, but sometimes not sure my prayers are heard.

    Thank you for reaching out. Prayers for you and your family!

  69. Hi Sheila,
    With time it will get easier. Try not to wait too long to tell your husband because in his grief he may also be angry that you knew and did not tell him. As far as your friends are concerned. If you are not comfortable telling them. Than don’t. Very few of my friends know about my children either. I think it is up to each person. I explained to my children that just because you want to come out and tell the world, does not mean that I do. I promised to respect them, their lives, their partners and their choices. But also told them that I expect them to respect my choices too.
    So far so good. But there are times when I go someplace with my girlfriends and they are buying gifts for their grandchildren. I still go home and cry myself to sleep. I pray that your life gets easier with time.
    Keep loving your child and also allow yourself to be loved too.

  70. My beautiful 16 year old thinks she is gay. She has never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend. How can she possibly know this! She is still developing. She has never confirmed it but I have read things that she has written. She has never said out loud but I know she is confused. I am devastated. I never, in a million years suspected that she felt this way. It is destroying our relationship, my marriage and causing behavioral issues with my youngest daughter. It causes us to fight and argue because she is dishonest. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I love my daughter, no matter what but this is not what I wish for her.

  71. Please help..my son is 15 and says he is pansexual..which of course I had to google. But he is currently in his first gay relationship with a boy a year older than he is. He is wanting to spend time with this boy and I just can’t find any peace in allowing that. I know I love my son..some days I don’t like him very much but what parent of a teenager does. I want to help him find God’s path for his life but he’s bucking me every step of the way. He knows my beliefs and is seeing a therapist who has Christian beliefs as well weekly and has connected well with her. Please help. I don’t know if allowing him to spend time with this boy encourages his behavior or will push him further away. I am scared..I pray A LOT and have reached out to our church but just wanted some feedback from parents who’s child was about this age and what helped and what didn’t.

  72. Wow it seems like yesterday and a lifetime ago that I found out my son and than my daughter were both gay. When my son told me he was gay, I was sure it was a faze and he would out grow it. He was fifteen than. He is 42 now and I still pray every day for an answer. My daughter was a beautiful young women, who met a neighborhood boy. They dated for five years and than decided to marry. I truly liked my son in law and was so happy to see my daughter, so in love and so happy. Fast forward a few years later, my tearful daughter came to me telling me she was getting divorced and needed time to figure things out. Never did I expect that twice in a lifetime I would hear that she too was gay. I wish I had better news, but after seeing two children come to terms with their sexuality I can say that my son had it much easier than my daughter. My daughter suffered so much with her feelings. I am sure my beliefs had a lot to do with why she tried for so many years to live as a straight women. They are both happy living their lives as gay people today. And I still cry and feel badly inside both that they are gay and that I still struggle to accept it. I often Wonder what I could have done or not done. I cry out to God who promised we would not have to face more than we can handle. And often this feels like so much more than I can bare. But I hear no answers. When I see my children happy I thank God for this and pray for all of us. My family and The children and the parents of all gay children need prayer. I do not understand why this happened to my family. Nor can I explain to you why it happened to yours. But after more than twenty years I do know that their is nothing that can or should be done to change these children. There feelings are real and must be respected. No matter how hard it is for you. To try to make someone live a lie is wrong. As hard as this may be for you to accept. You cannot do anything more than love them and pray for them Every day. I cannot tell you the pain in your heart will ever heal. But the most important thing you can do is love your child and make him feel safe in your home. He has a difficult road ahead of him.

    • I know how you feel, with me first my son told me, and than my beautiful daughter dated and married her boyfriend and than divorced and two years later told me she too was gay. As much pain as you are in please try to accept your children the way they are. Understand how difficult this is for them too. They do not want to be gay, the depression you speak of is because they struggle so hard with their feelings. I see my little girl who is now all grown up watch all her friends live and have families and children and it breaks my heart to see the pain it causes her. I see my son struggle too. I cannot promise you it will get easier because it does not. But I can promise you, your children love you, they love God and that God loves them. This is not something they can change . Your children are gay, this is not something they will outgrow, they are still the same people you raised, they have the same values, and love you very much.

  73. We’ve just learned our 18 yr old daughter is bisexual. Since she left for college we’ve had to deal with her self-harming, shaving her head, piercing her septum, and swapping rooms to live with her new girlfriend on campus. She didnt even have the respect to tell us first. She just let us walk into her new room to see both beds pushed together to form one bed. Then she reveiled her new sexual identiry. She’s also failing all her classes and believes that we’ve been brainwashed by our religion. We are depressed and feel as if the sweet child we knew has died. Most days I can barely get put of bed.

  74. To all,

    We have been researching this subject by Dr. Paul R. McHugh that is the distinguished Service Professor of Psychology at Johns Hopkins University. He has 25 peer reviewed papers on the subject of LGBTQ and our society. He has some interesting views. His view is clinical and not political. His conclusions upset the LGBTQ community and he convinced the hospital to end gender reassignment surgery. He began his studies in the 1960’s, well ahead of today’s current studies. It is worth reading to help all of you understand better and better cope with your children regardless of what they identify as in your family. The long and short of this is that he concludes that the mind is a powerful thing. In addition, he concludes that there is no “gay” gene and that whether they are lesbian, gay or transgender it is the influence of their mind that promotes this behavior. It is a good place to start. Our discussions with our daughter have really picked up and she is listening to us because we can talk to her in her terms. She is still denying any issues but we are talking better. Just thought we could help here.

    Mark and Sue

  75. “April, I love your story but feel bad for you as well that you think your family will not be there for you. My story is a lot like yours. My son told me he was gay 3 years ago when he was 16. Even tho I had seen some of his behavior since he was a 3 years old, I had always hoped I would not hear the words the night he told me he was gay. It changed my world forever. I first wanted to die or stay in my house and never come out. I grew up in a very religious home and was Very confused and alone. I was afraid of what my family and church friends would think when they found out about my son. I have 1 of 3 brothers who says I am wrong for not telling my son he is in sin and will go to hell. My mother whom had been my best friend my whole life does not embrace my son for who he is. This has put a wedge between my mother and myself and I miss her very much. I\’m telling her that we need to \”agree to disagree\” and not talk about my son. I had to find another church to go to after 18 years where my son grew up. I always believed that being \”gay\” was a choice, but now I believe that my son was born this way. My son cried and prayed for 6th, 7th and 8th grade for God to change him and it didn\’t happen. He knows some friends who have wanted to kill them-self because of not being accepted. I told my son that I love him unconditionally and will pray that God does the rest whatever that may be. I may be the only \”Jesus\” that my son and his gay friends see, and I want to be apart of his life. I agree that we need a support group just as much as our children do. We have started a \”safe haven\” group at our church. It is mainly for LGBT but I go anyway for any support I can get. I would love to stay in touch with other parents of gay children, so we can lift each other up. Hang in there and pray for God\’ help and guidance.

  76. My son is 14 . He is a wonderful kid, and I’ve tried to be in denial,my oldest daughter just laughed at me and said “dad of course he’s gay! Who cares?”
    I care. He’s my only son, and the only not in the family. My brothers all have girls, I have 2 girls. I know the politically correct response is to say it’s wonderful. But it’s not. I am truly suicidal. I still think he’s great, I don’t believe God gives a crap what people do. I don’t believe it’s my fault. But I am completely and utterly broken.

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